2.16 - JULIE'S RETURN

Original airdate: January 26, 1979

Let me just say right up front that in these uncertain times, I appreciate an episode title that leaves me feeling quite certain that I know what I'm gonna get. Some lady named Julie is gonna return!

In case you can't remember who exactly this so-called "Julie" is (how dare you forget her??), she is the ex-lover and ex-secretary of one mister J.R. Ewing. We last saw her all the way back in episode 1.3 ("Spy in the House"), wherein she got fed up with J.R., then slept with Cliff Barnes and gave him some incriminating paperwork, for which Pam got blamed. Julie's returning, you see, to Dallas, to Dallas, and to our hearts. Will she return to Cliff's bed? To J.R.'s bed? Or has she set her sights higher?

Thanks to her last appearance, we know that she is a wiz at coordinating her eyeshadow with her bedsheets. Upon her return, we learn that she is also a wiz at coordinating her sweaters with her telephone. Is there anything this woman can't do?

She's on the phone with the maître d' at the Cattlemen's Club, asking that he call her should Jock Ewing ever show up there. It seems to me that the maître d' probably has enough going on and shouldn't have to add this to his list of tasks? But what do I know, add it he does.

Before Bobby and Pam leave for their tennis date, Jock asks his son about...horse stuff...or cow stuff? I don't know...as Bobby insists it's all been done already or will be done tomorrow without Jock's help. The truly important thing here is that Pam looks great, even against a brown car interior.

Inside Southfork, the Daughters of the Alamo are having a wee meeting. We learn that one of the Daughters is rebelling against the idea that they are only a political body when they're supporting their husbands' positions (puke). "What about our positions? Our opinions?" she says. Who is this feminist hero? Why, it's none other than the Alpha Queen in Purple that we met in the last episode!

As you can see, she's wearing purple again and she means business. Sue Ellen, perhaps still smarting from the shit-talk of the Bitches Who Lunch but too polite to say anything, shoots eye daggers at her. Or perhaps Sue Ellen despises/envies a Dallas society woman who refuses to accept gender inequality. Whatever it is, my mind has embiggened this rivalry and I want it to last and last, although I am 100% sure that this is probably the last we will see of it.

Jock wanders in for a drink and right there in front of all these women Miss Ellie tells him he's only allowed to have soda and suggests he go take a nap like a big, old baby. He wanders outside, where Lucy is having a pool party (she has friends? sure). He tries to pick up a li'l barbecue grill but Lucy stops him, because it will be too much effort for his old man body. A virile teen male moves it instead, and I am here for Jock getting infantilized at every turn. I hope you know that this is solely because I think Jock is a jerk.

Case in point: that night at dinner, Jock goes on about how he can't wait for his grandson to bust out of Sue Ellen's womb place. "What if it's another granddaughter?" Lucy says.

Sue Ellen shuts down this slight hint of women's libbery with a snippy "Hush up, Lucy." Lucy and I both seethe.

Miss Ellie keeps harping on Jock. No salt! No meetings! No this! No that! And finally Jock has had it. "Day I start taking orders from anybody is the day they bury me!" he yells and storms out. I wonder how he would feel about the need for face masks in the Time of Corona. Pam would wear a mask, and she'd eventually convince Bobby to wear one. Lucy might, but only if it was sparkly or some shit. The rest of them? At the risk of sounding like Meryl Streep at the end of Doubt, I have doubts.

Anyway, the truly important thing about this dinner scene is that Pam looks great.

Jock defies his wife and goes to a meeting at Ewing HQ, wherein the oil guys tell him that his ways are the ways of the past, man. Now it's all about fracking. I felt my blood turn to ice at the mention of that word! (Meanwhile, RuPaul was dialing up Ewing Oil to do some bidness.) After the meeting, Jock's pal Punk is not available for lunch so Jock heads to the Cattleman's Club on his own. You know what this means: Commissioner Maître D' lights up that Julie signal!

She saunters in and just happens to see the elder Ewing, then just happens to stop by his table to apologize for that whole giving away company secrets thing. Jock chalks it up to politics--why, surely they've done damage to Cliff Barnes in the past (ya think??) so it was fair play. "Welcome home, Julie," he says, and for some reason Julie suddenly gets the soft focus treatment. I can't tell if it's meant to be alluring, like a love-vision or something, or it's a mistake, or maybe it's an indicator that Jock is developing cataracts? Choose your own adventure, reader!

She reminds Jock of his younger, manlier days when he fought a fire for three days straight with no food or sleep, and he is so taken that he not only decides to accompany her while she shops, they decide to meet for lunch again the following day. In a Three's Company-esque moment of shock (or something...you know, milder than that), Pam and Bobby arrive to dine at the very same restaurant!

Bobby shows concern over the return of this spy in the house, but Pam is decidedly less concerned, but she looks great. Unlike Sue Ellen, she doesn't seem to hold a grudge. She should! At the least it might get her out of Southfork somehow.

Jock was supposed to meet Bobby at the Ewing offices later that day, but he doesn't show. He's still with Julie, and he doesn't care! "You're the first woman that ever made me miss an appointment," he tells her, which I guess is a compliment. When he finally shows up at Southfork hours later, J.R. and Bobby try to talk to him about his behavior, but he blows them off, only intimating that he had a "real good day."

J.R. cannot let this stand, of course. He heads straight to Julie's and waits as someone delivers flowers to her. Flowers he ordered. Did he truly mean to welcome her back? Or was it simply a ruse to get his foot literally in her door when she opened it? He is forever an enigma, our J.R. So is 70s decor. Witness: the enormous butterfly wall sculpture in Julie's kitchen. And yes, we are still in brown town. And yes yes, Julie is once again coordinated with her phone. She is living the life!

Anyway, J.R. kinda puts the moves on her but also kinda wants to know what she's doing with his daddy but also kinda really wants to know what she's gonna do about the Red File. You might think this is another accessory to match her telephone and outfits but no--the Red File, if you'll remember from episode 2.12 ("Fallen Idol") (how dare you forget??) has to do with the fake will J.R. made in Jock's name that will allow him to drill on Southfork land once Jock croaks. Julie teases as to whether or not she'll rat J.R. out about the Red File, which doesn't seem like a good idea to me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it seems like a very bad idea. If J.R. thinks you're a threat, at the least he'll destroy you professionally! And Julie should be particularly mindful of this: as she's been spending all of her time since returning to Dallas with Jock, she hasn't even found a job yet.

As for all that time she spending with Jock, Julie says that "his wife treats him like a child. His children treat him like an invalid. I treat him like a man." Again, I felt my blood turn to ice!

J.R. puts the moves on again and Julie stops him. While she used to be happy with whatever time he afforded her, she also felt used and it's over. Things are gonna be different now, see? Different! J.R. leaves, but not before dumping his drink in the flowers he bought for her and reminding her that he always gets what he wants. Look, we're halfway through Season 2 and so far, he's not wrong. I think Pam's continued presence is his only failure, but this just proves that her power is unworldly.

The next morning, Jock returns from a jog--ah, Julie has filled him with such youthful vigor!--and J.R. confronts him about Julie, warning that she's "dirt" and only wants "money...and more money."

Jock no care! Me Jock, me see Julie "today, tomorrow, the next day, whenever [me] damn please!" He also threatened to kick J.R.'s as and while I am not one to condone violence, I admit I would absolutely devour a scene of Jock and J.R. fist-fighting. A whole episode, even. A whole season!

J.R. sees no recourse but to narc on his daddy to his mama. Miss Ellie asks Jock what he's been doing in all of his time away from Southfork and the family. As he ties the littlest necktie, he tells her what he apparently told her when they married: I account to no woman for my time." He leaves, and here I am feeling strange. I loathe both of the elder Ewings and I should love to see strife between them! But I get all hear me roar whenever Jock's sexist attitude flares up, and in this episode that means by default I'm siding Miss Ellie, which is something I never want to do. There is a dissonance, reader, and it's very jarring. Couldn't they just murder each other for my sake?

Instead, Miss Ellie calls Julie and summons her to Southfork. Julie is dressed to kill (those boots!) but lets Miss Ellie know that she and Jock are just friends. Everyone around them is too busy to see their pain and loneliness (I feel like this probably only applies to her?) and they hang out and respect each other. That's all! It's not what you think! Miss Ellie responds that it's "far more serious." If only Julie were a common floozy or tramp!

Also...I don't know if it's quarantine brain talking or what, but in these last couple of episodes I've found the environments so suffocating. I know I've mentioned the dreaded brown, but it's more than that. Every room is stuffed to the rafters with..stuff...that doesn't match and there's no rhyme or reason and there's patterns and florals and gewgaws and telephones everywhere and it's making me crazy!

Anyway. Jock heads to the Ewing offices for a meeting and in one shot the "scenic view" out the window is so very obviously a paper backdrop that it soothed my jangled nerves and filled me with glee and something I haven't felt in months: hope for our future.

Bobby, too, questions Jock about his relationship with Julie, and Jock...well, he says this:

"Even if I was cheating on your mama--which I'm not!--you should be able to understand."

Does he mean that he, like, has eminent domain over women and so he can cheat on/sleep with whomever he pleases whenever he pleases? Or does he mean that Miss Ellie is so awful that Bobby should understand if Jock is driven into the arms of another woman? I am not one to condone cheating, of course, but if he's saying the latter, well, he certainly has a point.

Speaking of Miss Ellie, she shows up at the office looking for her husband. She tells him she saw Julie and while she explained their "friendship," she knows it won't stop there (my blood...she is ice again). She tells him in an ultimatum-y way (ie there was dramatic music playing) that dinner at Southfork is at six. Jock splits--he's got other plans! Miss Ellie is so emotional and so shocked by this betrayal, she slightly opens her mouth.

The clock strikes six and in the Southfork dining room, no one speaks. All around the Jock-less table, there is only the sound of the scraping of fancy utensils on fancy plates. At length, Lucy excuses herself. Finally J.R. has had enough of the furtive glances, the meaningful looks. He's gonna say what they're all thinking! Miss Ellie can't handle it and bolts from the room. Bobby can't handle it and immediately tries to fight J.R. Pam can't handle it, but more importantly she does look great. She screams at her husband--her ever-violent husband with the hair trigger temper--and then goes to see Miss Ellie.

She reminds Miss Ellie--and me, unfortunately--of the, uh, heartwarming story Mater Ewing told her back in episode 2.3 ("Old Acquaintance") (how dare you forget??) about how she horse-whipped Jock into submission once upon a time. "What happened to that woman?" Pam wants to know. That woman should be in jail! But instead, that woman is inspired and heads to Julie's to reclaim her man...violently, if she must!

This show, I swear. I love it!

At Julie's, she and Jock are also eating in silence. It seems that this May-December Friendship is at an end. Before he leaves, Jock gives her a necklace. Whether or not it was originally intended as a goodbye gift, that's what it is now. Julie cuddles Jock's hand and then cuddles the necklace after he leaves. It's weird both times.

She's not alone for long, however. J.R. has been waiting in the shadows, and now it's time to strike! He forces his way inside her apartment! He grabs her! She insists she doesn't want him anymore, but she totally does! The episode ends on a freeze-frame of them...kissing? I guess...and I wonder why he can't have a physical interaction with her that isn't painful looking. Oh well. There goes my blood again...pure ice!

2.14 - HOME AGAIN

Original airdate: January 7, 1979

The episode begins with a glimpse into the exciting lives of the women of Southfork as Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen discuss potential color schemes for the nursery. "Oh yeah," I think to myself. "Sue Ellen is pregnant."

Okay, so me saying "exciting lives" was disparaging and sarcastic, but I suppose that is unfair. Some people do get excited about things like babies and nurseries, and furthermore I don't have much room to talk when a glimpse into my exciting life would show me, you know, making toast or more likely just thinking about making toast. Besides, it doesn't matter if Sue Ellen is talking about nurseries or toast or whatever, because her outfit is so on point in this scene that it far supersedes the ultimate hollowness of her life.

J.R. doesn't have time to discuss color possibilities because he actually, truly does live an exciting life. He's giving a speech to the Chamber of Commerce: "They want to hear my success story," he says. and I can't decide whether or not it's a lie. Who cares? I love it and it's 100% priceless ego perfection either way.

Side note 1: Sue Ellen calls Cliff Barnes on the down low to ask for his nursery color suggestions and he's like "Please stop calling" and she's like "But I just want to share" and it's kind of sad that they can't just be together. It's much less sad, however, when you remember that they can't be together because Sue Ellen is too greedy to give up that Ewing lifestyle! Well, also because who knows what J.R. would do if she left him for his nemesis–I mean, he's all sorts of abusive and threatening to everyone, particularly his wife. She's as trapped as she is selfish!

Side note 2: I know I've mentioned this before, but holy fuck is it weird that everyone lives at Southfork forever. I love that if you're poor and forced to live with your parents for whatever reason–hey, maybe it's circumstances or maybe it's just what you want to do–it's a source of shame and people insult you if it's brought up. But if you're a Ewing, it's simply how things are even though they're all rich enough to have a million places of their own. "You live in your mom's basement!" is a scathing indictment, but it's okay to live in your mom's hideously decorated spare bedroom? Whatever, man, whatever.

I realize I may be coming off as a bit defensive here and you're wondering if that's because I live in my mom's basement, so let me assure you that I do not. This is but one of the many colors in my rainbow of Dallas feelings, one of the many squares in the quilt of my Dallas thoughts.

Anyway, some guy takes the wrapper off a painting he commissioned and he hates it. It's awful, it's a cartoon, why didn't he have one of the most famous artists in Europe do it instead? What a hothead, geez. On the other hand...the painting really isn't so great.

He hand delivers it to Southfork, intending to give it to Miss Ellie, but she's not home. Later that evening, she opens it and gets all weird–that little cartoon ranch house is Southfork back in the day, can you believe it? If you think that's completely totally insane, get this: the some guy who dropped it off isn't just any old some guy–he's Miss Ellie's brother Garrison! She hasn't seen him in 40 years! She thought he was dead! C'EST UN SCANDALE!

The reaction to Garrison's coming...wait for it...home again...is decidedly mixed. Miss Ellie is beside herself, or at least she gets tears in her eyes. Jock is less than thrilled, as Garrison and he have never liked each other and besides, Garrison was best pals with that no-good Digger Barnes. Pam is pleasant and happy enough because Garrison was best pals with that no-good Digger Barnes. Lucy is ecstatic because, bless her heart, the name Garrison reminds her of the name Gary, which is, of course, her father's name. J.R. is immediately suspicious: Garrison must be sniffing around for some sweet, sweet Ewing money. Sue Ellen then worries the same and seethes a bit. Or maybe she's just seething because she's once again wearing that awful grape jumpsuit we saw a few episodes ago.

Oh, and Bobby...eh, who cares about Bobby.

It turns out that Daddy Southworth actually left Southfork entirely to Garrison when he died. As Garrison had split town long before that, however, Miss Ellie eventually filed paperwork declaring her brother legally dead, which made Southfork hers. This was done at Jock's behest, and it was his money from the oil industry that transformed the place from what you see in that terrible painting to its current tacky splendor.

Now that her brother has returned and he's obviously not a zombie–meaning he never actually died–Miss Ellie's conscience kicks in and she thinks she wants to give Southfork back to him because "it's right." As you may suspect, her sons and husband aren't having it at all. Things get heated to the point where Jock busts out with a...he busts out with a...(sorry, it's hard for me to type when I'm shaking with fury)...he eventually yells "You're overstepping your place, Miss Ellie!" HER PLACE! Because he's "head of the household" and all decisions are ultimately his and...her rage at this sexist bullshit is second only to my own. I swear, during this scene my bra flew off my body, and it joined all my other bras and they suddenly combusted, burning themselves. At the same time, I am sure Gloria Steinem got her Obi-Wan on (her alive Obi-Wan, I mean) and felt a serious disturbance in The Force. All around the world, my fellow Seven Sisters alumnae opened their checkbooks and made pledges even though they already gave this year, or maybe they only thought about giving because you know, just because they went to a Seven Sisters college that doesn't necessarily mean they're a rocket scienceologist or a super-rich CEO of Whatever, Inc...maybe they are just a humble writer-type who kind of mostly "gets" "by" and eats toast and enjoys writing recaps of 40-year-old nighttime soaps and never compares herself to her classmates who are saving the world or whatever and no I'm not talking about me at all why are you looking at me like that there's nothing wrong with any of my life choices.

The point is, this scene reiterates that Jock is a sexist a-hole and Miss Ellie might get a little mad about it but she's of a generation where ultimately she just accepts it...and if that were not depressing enough, the scene is also so very, very brown.

With the possibility of losing Southfork to his mother's whims lurking, J.R. goes into full paranoia mode. He's convinced that Kathy, Garrison's traveling companion and Presumed Interesting Lady Friend (PILF), is a gold digger who's goaded the old man into returning and snatching all that land up. Hmm, in that scenario, I guess Garrison would also be a gold digger, wouldn't he, if he were cozying up to Miss Ellie just for the money? Or would he only be the poor, manipulated put-upon because only women can be "gold diggers"? Ugh this show is pushing all my feminist buttons today.

I will say this for J.R.: he is awful, but he doesn't hide it. He doesn't merely think and wonder these things about Kathy, he takes her for a tour of the ranch and accuses her of gold diggery right to her face! It's rude, yes, but if I am to believe what I see on social media, "Telling It Like It Is" is apparently something to be admired, so.

On the show, however, this brash behavior only serves to make everyone angry. Kathy is insulted; Garrison decides that fuck it, he does want Southfork and he's gonna fight for it; Miss Ellie yells at J.R.; Bobby...eh, who cares about Bobby.

Okay, fine: Bobby and Pam go to Garrison's to try to smooth things over a bit, and it's here they learn The Terrible Secret. Kathy isn't Garrison's gold-digging hoochie mama, she's his nurse! Garrison is dying and he came home to see his sister and make amends and...you know. To Die. Pam and Bobby act surprised at the news, but I am dubious about their ignorance because they showed up apparently already dressed for Garrison's funeral.

Also, just so you know, I paused this moment in the scene and stared at it for a long, long time:

I couldn't take my eyes off of Garrison's hair. I had that faint itching at the back of my brain: what does his hair remind me of? Where have I seen it before? Images and names passed through my mind, always hazy and beyond reach. I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. What was it? Was it going to drive me insane? Would it come to me in the middle of the night? Did it actually remind me of anything at all? Was this a past-life experience? Finally...finally after like ten minutes and some furious pacing around my apartment where I tried to think about it really hard without thinking about it at all, it came to me.

Right?

Anyway. Now that that's out of the way...Bobby tells Miss Ellie about The Terrible Secret, and she rushes to Garrison's side and manipulates him into telling her on his own terms. She convinces him to spend his remaining days at Southfork (OF COURSE), and when she tells the rest of her family the news, well, J.R. looks mildly chagrined but Jock apologizes for his behavior. Miss Ellie says she's not angry: "At least I found out you love this ranch as much as I do."

Are you fucking kidding me? That's the lesson she learned?? That's her takeaway from this? Not "At least I found out my husband is a terrible sexist, my son is an all-around disgusting greedy person, and my life is reprehensible!"? Really, Miss Ellie? REALLY?

Hmm, actually...it's more likely that she already knew those things and she didn't need to learn them here necessarily. I mean, we knew all that already, I didn't need EPISODE 2.14 HOME AGAIN to tell me. I'll assume that's what Miss Ellie meant, because the alternative is just too much for me to handle right now, what, with all the fury I've been feeling and all the thinking I've been doing.

Well, nice knowing you, Garrison. Your storyline and The Battle for Southfork should have been at least a 2-part arc! Sure, you're alive at the episode's end...but come on. You'll die in the hazy interim before the next episode, yes? It is The Way of Things on Dallas. Trauma: out of sight, out of mind!

2.1 - REUNION part one

Original airdate: September 23, 1978

Hey y'all, welcome to a whole new season of Dallas. To kick things off, everyone must partake in the Season 2 opening credits. Oh, such changes...such a breath of fresh air. There's a new title font, wow! Even more importantly, Linda goddamn Gray has been added as a full-fledged cast member worthy of her own credit sequence triptych. It's about time, I say! Ray got a triptych, too, but who cares about Ray?


It's been a couple of weeks since the booze, beef, and brouhaha-filled Barbecue and the Ewings are spending some quality family time together relaxing by the pool and just generally being rich. Jock and Miss Ellie play backgammon, Sue Ellen partakes in a crossword puzzle, Pam floats in the pool in a way that accentuates her bosoms so much that even J.R. takes notice...which makes Sue Ellen take disapproving notice.

this can't be the first time they've noticed Pam's bosoms...also, "bosoms" is my favorite word to use when talking about bosoms

Everyone seems to be getting along, isn't that nice? Well, mostly everyone. I admit, this is my favorite moment in this scene:


I seriously watched that like five times in a row.

Apparently there's a big cattle auction coming up so Miss Ellie has to yammer on about how great the Southworth cattle were and how great the Ewing cattle are and how Bobby and J.R. have never shown much interest in all of it, it was always Gary who was her little cowboy and...

Gary! That's a name we haven't heard in a while. Why bring him up now, in an episode called "Reunion"? HMM I WONDER.

But let's not get all cart-before-the-horse, okay? We're still in the opening scene and there is a shit ton to celebrate. From Lucy's silent sass to Jock's lush hair...

...to J.R.'s glasses...

...all the way to Sue Ellen's strut...

...this scene has it all!

But alas, it cannot go on forever. Sue Ellen soon gets her Lady Macbeth on and tells J.R. that he's falling from his position of power--everyone's being nice to Pam, Bobby's making headway at Ewing Oil--and she won't stand for it. If he won't do something about it, she will! J.R., however, won't stand for being told what to do and shuts her down: "You wanna keep sleeping between those satin sheets, don't you ever try to tell me how to run my business."

YOU GUYS THEY SLEEP ON SATIN SHEETS.

Is this a nagging wife which I see before me?

It's so weird, it's as if the producers just discovered that Victoria Principal has great bosoms and that they might be a selling point for the show (rather than the teenaged Lucy) and therefore said bosoms should be front-n-center ' as often as possible.

Bobby and Pam head off to Las Vegas for a comic convention oil industry gathering. They walk around a lobby for a while, smiling and nodding and shaking hands while the theme from Dallas plays (that is not a joke). Who oh WHO I wonder is this concerned creepster staring at them?

For some reason, the gathering moves to Bobby's suite and all I really care about is this woman in the exquisite flowy red jumpsuit thing. Man, she really made the most out of her non-speaking background role, let me tell you...she was whooping it up and feeding the guy in the blue suit and walking around and interacting wordlessly with Bobby and more. She was great and I hope Woman in Exquisite Flowy Red Jumpsuit Thing becomes a recurring character.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice cattle auction, Lucy decides she wants to split and head for "that western store." Jock sends her off with Ray and a couple of hundred bucks, but once outside the stockyards she reveals to Ray that she's not going to "that western store" as a car pulls up and she hops in. It was all a ruse! Ray lets us know that the car is driven by Jimmy, Pam's cousin we met at the Ewing barbecue, because the part is now being played by a different actor and we would've had no idea who this guy is. Where are they going? Lucy assures Ray: "It's not what you think!" and she's totally right. They end up at a greasy spoon called The Hot Biscuit and that's not at all what I was thinking...but from now on it's definitely all I'm thinking forever. The Hot Biscuit. It's all I care about now!

if you didn't get that Hall of Justice joke, this link is for you

So what the heck is Lucy up to here at The Hot Biscuit? How many times can I work "The Hot Biscuit" into this recap? So many questions!

It turns out that this Hot Biscuit waitress...

...is Valene! Lucy's mom! Joan motherfucking Van Ark! Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!

Over yonder in Las Vegas, there's another reunion afoot. A service worker practically forces his way past Bobby into the suite and...why, it's not a service worker. It's the concerned creepster! The concerned creepster is Gary, the long-lost alcoholic Ewing brother! Exclamation mark!

Also, holy shit, "creepster" is right. Even when we know who this dude is, the dead-behind-the-eyes creepiness just won't go away, amirite?

"Say, are you about a size 14?"

For those who didn't watch the show's first season, Valene helpfully recounts her history with Gary for Lucy: they were young and she was pregnant and they got married and Gary succumbed to The Pressures of Being a Ewing and ran off and Lucy was born and then after Lucy busted out da womb J.R. snatched her away and told Val to skedaddle. Through gritted teeth Lucy says "I used to think I hated J.R. Ewing more than anybody. But I didn't. Not until now." I'm not entirely sure that makes sense (Whom did she hate more than J.R. up until this moment? "I didn't think I could hate J.R. any more..." might be more à propos, no?), but her sentiment is admirable.

and I really do mean "through gritted teeth"

Gary tells Pam and Bobby all about his last few years: 2-week blackout this, rock bottom that. He blames J.R. for exacerbating his problems, and Pam commiserates. This episode is a key juncture in the series; while we saw some glimpses of J.R.'s a-hole-ishness in Season 1, it's here where the writers really begin to build him up as a villain. Pretty much everyone in the episode mentions how awful he is and how miserable he makes their lives. Boy, if he's not careful, he's liable to end up getting shot! Right? Get it? J.R. getting shot? Wink wink!

At any rate, Bobby successfully needles Gary into going home to Southfork, where this news generates different amounts of excitement. J.R. and Sue Ellen are nonplussed. Jock is cautiously optimistic. Miss Ellie is about to have a stroke.

Sue Ellen worries that J.R. will slip even further down the totem pole of power if he has yet another brother to contend with, but J.R. isn't worried. Gary's always been a loser and he'll screw things up for himself without any help from J.R.

Out in the barn, Lucy tries to get Ray up into The Hayloft of Sin, but Gary shows up at Southfork and distracts her before Ray succumbs to her goblin charms. I couldn't be happier about this because I just...I can't take any more Ray/Sex Goblin canoodling. I JUST CAN'T.

NO

Out in the driveway, the first two minutes of the reunion are going splendidly, with hugs and handshakes and smiles all around. Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!

During after-dinner cocktails, however, things get a little tense. Jock has had enough small talk and thinks it's time everyone clears the air. "If anyone wants to punch me in the mouth," he says, "just stand up and do it right now." I stood up, but thankfully I stopped myself from punching my TV because I can't afford a new one. The air does get cleared, however, as Gary essentially says "Eh, it's fine" when J.R. starts to bring up old business.

must...resist...urge to punch...

As Gary and Bobby enjoy some late-night milk, Miss Ellie noses her way into the conversation. She hugs all up on Gary, and when he says "Glad I came home for a visit, mama," she replies...

...she replies...

"Not a visit, son. You're home for good."

HOW INSIDIOUS IS THAT? Not only because, you know, Gary has his own life now and maybe he doesn't want to move back to fucking Southfork, geez, but also because that "...for good" is so damn ominous-sounding. Miss Ellie's (and, to be fair, Jock's) pathological need to keep everyone under the same roof forever and ever is but a hair's breadth away from making this all a horror movie. It's so great!

Gary's face relays regret over his decision to come home and/or, perhaps, that he's about to murder Miss Ellie. Either way, I totally get it.

The next morning, Lucy convinces her dad to take a drive with her to Fort Worth. Where are they going? To The Hot Biscuit of course! Lucy's got some Parent Trap-style scheme to get Gary and Val back together, you see, and her eyebrows let us know that she's super pleased with herself about it. I love the over-the-top faces she makes so much.

While Gary and Lucy try to convince Valene to take a ride out to Southfork with them (Everyone's changed, even J.R.! Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!), Pam receives a phone call. Digger, who's been on a bender since that barbecue, was found "half-dead in the street" and is in the hospital. That's sad and all, but I admit to being distracted by the new bedside phone. A new phone, a new Jimmy, a new credit sequence...such a renaissance in Season 2!

Gary calls the ranch to say that hey, you know, just to throw things into further disarray, Valene is coming home with me. Surprisingly, everyone is on board...except, not surprisingly, J.R., who told that tramp never to set foot in Texas again.

When it becomes obvious that he's alone in his opposition, however, he acquiesces...publicly, at least. Then he scoots inside and makes a phone call. He tells some guy in a suit that he doesn't want to liquidate some loser company the Ewings own because he's found just the loser to run it. I didn't care about any of that, though, because I was too focused on the giant dogcyclopedia behind him. What the hell is with that?

Sue Ellen comes in at the end of the call, yet again concerned about J.R.'s potential fall from grace. He tells her not to worry, that he's going to be exactly what his family wants him to be: his brother's keeper. But...no one has mentioned anything of the sort. In fact, everyone has told J.R. to shut up and leave Gary alone. But, no matter! The episode ends with a freeze frame on J.R.'s soulless/evil laugh, which is just fine by moi. Can't wait for next week!

This episode didn't feature enough Pam for my liking, but it was still a real delight. Joan Van Ark! J.R. taking his first steps into true villainy! Sue Ellen taking her first true steps into conniving-y! And best of all...The Hot Biscuit. Hey, I worked that in seven times!