2.21 - ROYAL WEDDING

Original airdate: March 9, 1979

Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, "How can this week's episode possibly top the dizzying highs of last week's sexless sexnanigans?" A valid question, but let me tell you--"Royal Wedding" tops it in so many ways, I don't have enough fingers to count them! From the opening seconds it's obvious we're in for something special. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the opening seconds of this episode yourself:


A full minute dedicated to a disco scene with yes, Lucy Ewing and Kit Mainwaring amongst the satin-clad bootyshakers. Is it not glorious? It's been awhile since we've had a proper scene of the young folk shaking their groove things...if I recall correctly, the last was all the way back in episode 2, when a new disco opened in Braddock and Pam and Bobby got the fuck down. I know we're not going to get many more disco scenes--if any--as the show continues, and that's such a shame. What a time it was! Cocaine and hair flying, people of all stripes smiling and dancing, not a lick of irony or cynicism in sight. The Ronald Reagan era (aka the beginning of the end) was still a few years away and "greed" wasn't the total way of life for American society yet. Did the uber-wealthy families of Dallas help usher in that "money and mine above all" sentiment? It is certainly possible! But those are thoughts for another time. This episode in particular deserves respect. I'm serious, it does! You'll see, I swear.

Anyway yes, Lucy and the "gorgeous" Kit Mainwaring, whom we met last episode, are an item. A make-y-out-y item,  as we see when the duo returns to Kit's place for some "backgammon." I don't know why I put that in quotes, it's not a euphemism. They really play backgammon. And they make out. Did I mention they make out? Because they do.

See? Told you

Lucy mentions that there's a college in New England she wants to attend after she graduates high school, but she's sure her grandparents will make her stay in Dallas, which is gross. Kit's family is a wealthy oil family like the Ewings, but his parents aren't as gross and don't force him to live with them. He's got his very own, very brown apartment like a big boy, but they did hire a butler (named Jesús) to keep an eye on him...so, okay, they're partially as gross as the Ewings are.  What is with these rich people?

Lucy is ready to go all the way, if you know what I mean (SEX), but Kit demurs. He cares too much about her and doesn't want to treat her like she's "cheap," after all. She starts casually throwing around the word "marriage," but he demurs about that, too. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

Kit takes Lucy home and they run into J.R., who is all smiles and sunshine when he sees the young Mr. Mainwaring. Lucy and I have the same thought: That is not at all like J.R. What is he up to? Our paths then diverge: Lucy makes out with Kit again while I...well, I guess I watch them make out. That sounds pervy, but may I remind you this is a television show, it is meant to be watched.

J.R.'s smile immediately fades the moment he enters his bedroom, and the reason why is immediately apparent. The boozophone starts playing. What's the boozophone? This is the boozophone:



And what does the boozophone herald? The boozophone heralds this:

Reader, I know there is nothing funny about a heavily pregnant woman who is passed out dead drunk, glass in hand. But oh, that music and this image had me going for a good long while I tells ya.

The next morning, the requisite "breakfast at Southfork" scene is a pastiche of clueless dysfunction. Pam tells Bobby she might have to work late, and he reminds her yet again that she "can always quit" the job she obviously really loves. Sue Ellen is still a bit drunk, and Lucy is "just gonna have a little eggs" because she's still on a diet. She ends up skipping the eggs altogether when J.R.--clearly still up to something--suggests that she and Kit have dinner with him and Sue Ellen. The notion makes her too sick to eat her breakfast, you see, but she reluctantly agrees to the dinner.

At said dinner, J.R. says that when we was but a wee bonny lad, he would follow Jock to the Ewing Oil offices and working in the family business is all he's ever wanted to do. Kit, on the other hand, is only at Mainwaring Oil to please his parents and get a touch of "real life" which will he claims help inform his true career aspirations as a writer. "He's even been published!" Lucy exclaims, all googly-eyed. J.R. then intercepts Sue Ellen's booze order, calls her and himself "old folks," and earns himself another one of her patented sideways glares that I love so so much:

As he stands to leave, J.R. gives Kit and Lucy some money to treat themselves to another night at Jimmy's Disco (!!!) and again Lucy wonders what his ulterior motives are.

The next day we get a taste of Kit's "real life" experiences at Mainwaring Oil. His father is pleased to see him being responsible and doing...I don't know, business paperwork, especially considering that Kit was apparently wild for a while after he left home, drinking and gambling and who-knows-what-else-ing. If Kit is serious about Lucy, his family will overlook their bad feelings about the Ewings and support his settling down with her. To prove they're serious, they're going to a party--excuse me, to a gala celebration the Ewings are throwing for some reason.

This party gala celebration, dammit is so good, you guys, every minute of it. First of all, if you think that the Ewings don't know how to par-tay, you'd better think again! I mean, just check out the band they hired!

Is this The Coffins, playing at one of Lucy's parties at last? "Why not," says I. "Certainly not!" says Sue Ellen. The final decision, reader, is yours.

Speaking of Sue Ellen, SURPRISE she's drunk! She's drunk and flirting heavily with a gentleman, and before she can make a complete fool of herself, Pam and Miss Ellie try to whisk her off to a Southfork interior far away from the festivities. Sue Ellen, however will not be whisked easily! She puts up a brief, angry-drunk fight, but eventually relents. It is important to note that like the booze, the gowns are flowing.

Ray and Lucy share a nice moment where Ray tells her how happy for her he is, and she tells him how happy for herself she is, and she's in love, and couldn't you just awwwwww.

Meanwhile, Kit and Bobby are having a chat and like the booze and the gowns, the velvet and the chest hair are flowing.

AND THEN.

Kit's parents show up but who cares about them? I care about the appearance of another party guest: my beloved Alpha Queen in Purple is there! IN PURPLE!

Listen, we will get to her in a bit, oh yes we will. But first! Pam and Bobby share a tender moment...under the chicken piñata??

Reader, I gasped. Although I suppose I should have expected its appearance; after all, nothing says "gala celebration" like a single, random chicken piñata.

I began to suspect that all the way back in 1979, the Dallas producers and set designers and directors could see me in the future, eyes scouring every corner of the screen as I soak up every detail to regale you with later in my recaps, and so they filled every background of every shot of this party gala celebration with wonders just for me (and subsequently you). How else to explain that chicken? How else to explain not only that first appearance of the Alpha Queen in Purple, but also that she fucking blatantly and oh so boldly photobombs Lucy and Kit as they tell everyone that they've just gotten engaged?

Yeah yeah, Lucy and Kit got engaged, sure, whatever.

Aw, I shouldn't downplay it so much. According to the society pages in the newspaper the next morning, this is big news!

Lucy says that she and Kit want a small wedding with just the two families, but J.R. reminds her of her "social responsibilities." Sue Ellen suggests there'll be around 300 guests, but at least everyone is, you know, considerate enough to allow Lucy to invite her parents Val and Gary to the wedding.

J.R. then tells Lucy that he wants to buy her a car as a graduation gift, and finally she's like "Okay yes I want the car but why are you being so nice lately?" He doesn't go into specifics with her, but he does tell her that as a Ewing, she should know when there's a deal to be made.

And a deal to be made there is! With Mainwaring Oil! Cliff Barnes and the Office of Land Management have already approved Mainwaring's plans for an oil refinery in the gulf. J.R. is going to use the pending merger of Kit and Lucy (sounds hot) as a way to glom on to that refinery deal. The refinery will make them rich(er), and J.R. can give the metaphorical middle finger (also sounds hot) to Barnes and the oildudes who gave Ewing Oil the brushoff in the previous episode.

That night, Lucy, Kit, Bobby, and Pam head to the disco once more. Again, I may not get many of these scenes in the future but boy is this episode treating me right! There are shiny fabrics and shiny faces as far as the eye can see. Kit and Lucy take a break and a particularly shiny young man comes over to say hello to Kit. Lucy is pleased to be talking to this person, while Kit is...decidedly less pleased. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

The shiny young fellow leaves and Kit explains that he is Sam, and Sam was Kit's college roommate. AGAIN I SAY HMM I SAY.

And yes, this means that Kit is out of college, hasn't lived at home in years, works a job after time carousing...and is dating a high school student. But don't worry! They make a point of telling us that she's "almost 19." (She wasn't when she was canoodling with Ray in The Hayloft of Sin, but we don't talk about that anymore, okay? Okay??)

After this shiny encounter, Kit and Lucy head to Kit's apartment again but backgammon is not on the menu tonight, oh no. Kit wants Lucy. Kit needs Lucy. It is time to DO IT. And once more I say oh, Dallas producers and set designers and directors, are you calling out to me from the past? Is that why Kit has a chicken print on his wall? To amuse me? Or is that in fact a male chicken, if you know what I mean, and deliberately there to cheekily hint at what we, uh, might already suspect about Kit?

In the post-coital times, Lucy is positively moony. She's never felt this way about anyone, and no one has ever treated her the way that Kit does. He gives her love and attention! He respects her! She's no longer the spoiled rich brat we've seen in every previous episode. She's a woman now, and she's in lurve. Kit assures her that he loves her also but he seems...mmm...not as excited as she is about all of this, let's say.

The next day he goes to see Bobby at Ewing Oil HQ in order to ask some advice. It's been a few weeks now since the engagement announcement, and Kit needs to call off the wedding. What should he do? Shockingly, Bobby doesn't accept "I just can't go through with it" as a good enough excuse to break Lucy's heart, so he presses Kit for a reason. Finally Kit says it! "I'm a homosexual, Bobby." To say the least, Bobby is stunned.

See? Told you

Kit goes on to explain that he originally went out with Lucy for appearances. He grew to truly love her as a person and admire her, but that doesn't change who he is, and neither did sleeping with her the night before. He doesn't want to hurt her any further, so he needs to call off the wedding. Bobby is...pretty cool about all of this, actually. He doesn't like that it's going to hurt his niece and he can't help in that regard, but he says Kit's personal life is his own business. Reader, I gasped!

And I gasped again, even louder, in the next scene when guess who I see pawing over Lucy's wedding gifts whilst waiting for Sue Ellen?

There she is again! IN PURPLE! Ahem, excuse me, she will always be the Alpha Queen in Purple, but here we finally learn that her name is Marilee. I googled to make sure I was spelling her name right and you guys, hold onto your butts: she is listed as being in 73 episodes of this show. She is Marilee Stone and while I got only the barest hint of what is come for her (I didn't want to spoil myself or you), let me just say that I am so psyched and I am hereby proclaiming myself to be the #1 (and #only, to be sure) Marilee Stone stan. So say we all.

Sue Ellen finally shows up and almost passes out. But she's fine! She's just a little dizzy because pregnancy doesn't agree with her, that's all. Honest! Do Marilee Stone and Not Marilee Stone believe this excuse? What does this screencap tell you?

Miss Ellie obviously doesn't believe Sue Ellen, and neither does Lucy. In fact, when all the Daughters of the Alamo finally head out to lunch, Lucy doesn't believe it for so long that she ends up staring directly into the camera for several seconds, as if willing the director to cut.

I tell you, the gifts this episode gives me are endless.

At Ewing Oil HQ, J.R. has forged that refinery deal with Kit's father, but Bobby tells him not to get too excited about it because Kit's about to call off the wedding. J.R. refuses to accept this, but Bobby assures him it's in Lucy's best interest. "What's she got to do with this?" he asks, and goes on to reveal that he knows all about Kit's secret. And that secret is no excuse, according to J.R. "Women marry homosexuals all the time!" he says. "Seems to suit a lot of 'em."

Bobby is shocked that J.R. would sink so low as to investigate Kit Mainwaring and I say really, Bobby? This shocks you? Of course J.R. knows, he knows everything about everybody! He knows so much that he's practically the Shadow Broker from Mass Effect! That's a video game reference that probably none of you will get but I'm going to make it anyway because trust me, it's pretty spot on. Anyway, as Bobby learns all of this, he makes nearly the same face he makes when he learned that Kit is gay. I guess this is Bobby's "learning something" face.

J.R. threatens to make a big stinky scandal if Kit calls off the wedding, because Kit is no threat to him. "Kit Mainwaring is more of a man, J.R., than you'll ever be," Bobby says, and I high-fived my television.

Unsurprisingly, J.R. goes to Kit's apartment to talk him out of calling off the wedding. Kit needs a beard after all, doesn't he? And if he's a part of J.R.'s family, no one ever has to know the truth. Lucy will be happy, J.R. will be happy, and Kit...well, I guess Kit doesn't matter.

But I'll tell you what does matter: Kit has a piece of art on his coffee table that is...a severed foot?? THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE.

That night, Kit tells Lucy the truth. Sam wasn't just his roommate, they were lovers. He got with her to try to be "socially normal" and "accepted" and make his parents happy, but he just can't go through with it. Lucy insists that she can, that everything will be fine and she'll live with the arrangement. No, Kit insists. "I've got to learn to like myself the way I am," he says, and reader, I gasped.

Incidentally, this is Lucy's "learning something" face

Lucy is crushed, of course, but she promises to handle J.R. and promises that there will be no scandal for anyone.

It is remarkable to me that this show would frankly address homosexuality in a way that is so informed and respectful. I can't really stress enough how groundbreaking this was. The period between the 1969 Stonewall riots (which marked the beginning of gay liberation) and the AIDS epidemic that would begin in the very early 80s was one of great progress and change for the LGBT community. Throughout the 1970s gay folks began...well, being acknowledged. News programs treated homosexuality as a bit of a curiosity, something that needed explaining for the average viewer. Gay characters appeared occasionally in movies, but oftentimes they either killed or were killed. It wasn't until 1977's Soap that a gay character regularly appeared on a TV sitcom. In TV dramas there was...no one that I know of.

For Dallas--which was a smash success and would soon be on top of the ratings for several years--to feature a character like Kit Mainwaring is truly daring. He is treated with respect by the other characters on the show (even J.R. just wants to use it as blackmail fodder, as you'd expect). Even more importantly, Kit has respect for himself. There is no "love of a good woman" that can change him, no matter how good that woman is. He wants to live his life on his own terms. That he is afforded this is truly pioneering for 1979. Heck, we're only just starting to see gay characters that don't have to die at the end of a narrative or don't end up alone or they aren't the villains. Dallas was way ahead of its time here, and I don't think I've ever loved it more.

ESPECIALLY considering that we get more Marilee Stone! The Daughters of the Alamo have returned from their all-day lunch, and Marilee shadily brings up Sue Ellen's "dizzy spells" and I was in Heaven. Then Lucy shows up and promptly tells everyone that the wedding is off. She makes up a story about how Kit would get really jealous and possessive whenever she talked to her friends so she doesn't want to marry him. J.R. tries to object, but everyone hushes him up. Meanwhile, Marilee and Not Marilee are psyched as shit about this gossip and practically leave a trail of fire behind them as they promptly leave.

I'm her #1 fan, you know

Lucy has gone into another room to (understandably) bawl her eyes out, and Bobby earns maximum Cool Uncle points for talking her through it. He tells her that if Kit didn't really love her, he would have gone ahead and married her under false pretenses, and that it took a lot of guts for Kit to tell her the truth about himself. Reader, you guessed it. I gasped! This show!

Surely this is one of the best episodes in Dallas's entire run, no? Sure, it's not as salacious or crazy as the really fun stuff, but it's honestly a piece of television history that deserves recognition and respect. It's a wonderful showcase for Charlene Tilton, who runs the gamut from comedic mugging to googly-eyed love to shaking her satin-clad booty to full-on sobbing heartbreak. She's really terrific here and as a viewer you can tell she's really got a grip on who Lucy Ewing is. You love to see it.

And let's not forget about that chicken piñata! Why this episode didn't win all the Emmys I'll never understand.

2.5 - BLACK MARKET BABY

Original airdate: October 15, 1978

Yes, friends. "Black Market Baby." Can we all just soak in the deliciousness of that title like it's a big bowl of Palmolive? Black market babies: horrible thing in real life, but exactly the kind of thing I want on Dallas.

(Aside: "Black Market White Baby Dealer" is a delightfully irreverent Liz Phair song from her Girly-Sound demo tapes)

(Aside: oh man I love Liz Phair)

(Aside: well, up to and including Whitechocolatespaceegg anyway)

Enough asides, let's get into the main course. It's full of baby!

The episode begins with a "celebration" for Jock and Miss Ellie on their wedding anniversary. I use those quotes because it is not some raucous Kool and the Gang-style affair; rather, everyone sits around quietly in a dimly-lit room as the Ewing elders open some gifts. They receive an ugly Italian sculpture from Sue Ellen and J.R., and a scrapbook filled with old family photos from Bobby and Pam. No contest, Pam and Bobby win this round...especially when you take into account how lovingly the scrapbook was assembled.

it must have taken forever to haphazardly throw those photos in there

Looking at pictures of babies reminds everyone about babies and how there haven't been any babies around Southfork in a while and wouldn't it be nice if there were some babies? Pam recently got baby clearance from her doctor (after the events in "Barbecue"), so maybe she and Bobby will pop one out some day. Sue Ellen mentions that she and J.R. have been trying for seven years to pop one out, but it's sure to happen any day now. The stress of being babyless and the realization that she picked out a shitty gift have her running back into the loving arms of her old friend, booze. This episode is off to a great start!

After the "festivities" everyone retires to their bedrooms. Bobby wonders why Pam seems hesitant about having a you-know-what (baby). She argues that their marriage is still young and they're still getting to know one another--that she's still getting to know herself, even. But she knows she ain't no Sue Ellen, defined solely by her husband and motherhood. In fact, she wants to take Liz Craig up on her offer and take a job at The Store (yes, it is actually called The Store...I love this show). Bobby says he understands but he's not sure if he agrees, but it doesn't matter anyway because Pam has gotten her hear me roar on.

super lady

Down the hall, Sue Ellen slips into something more comfortable, perfumes her bosoms, and continues to slam back the alcohol, all in preparation for the arduous task of seducing J.R.

close your eyes and think of Maker's Mark, dear

Her husband, however, is more interested in reading the newspaper than he is in saddling up for the baby-making race. Before long, Sue Ellen questions if John Ross Jr's Junior John Ross Jr (if you know what I mean) (I mean J.R.'s magic baby wand) is firing blanks. They both drink, they both yell, and they both run outside for some driveway drama. Sue Ellen shrieks about wanting a baby. J.R. tells her he'll buy her a puppy (spoiler: he does not, unfortunately) and takes off for parts unknown.

Before she can wallow for too long, one Mr. Ray Krebbs pulls up. He tells her she'll catch cold dressed like that outside in day-for-night, and she slurs through a clumsy come-on, wondering if Ray can think of any way to warm her up. They kiss! A sultry sexophone plays! The picture fades, a sure indicator that they are about to "do" "it," by which I mean they're going to drink more, and also they are going to do it.

NO

I say to myself, "Wow, is there any female at Southfork that Ray hasn't sexed all over?" and I realize that it is unknown whether or not Ray and Miss Ellie have sexed, or whether they might at some time in the future. I immediately stop myself from thinking about this any further.

The next morning, Ray is all

and Sue Ellen is all

and she claims ignorance about anything that may have happened the night before, as well as demanding that he call her "Mrs. Ewing." Stone cold! Thank goodness. Sue Ellen is too good for The Hayloft of Sin!

Miss Ellie notices that Sue Ellen seems to be feeling a bit down, perhaps about her marriage or life in general, and she offers a solution: HAVE A BABY, they are like a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser for all of your problems. Sue Ellen is, like, "Bitch, we've been trying to have a baby for seven years and also what is a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, they have not been invented yet?"

Mater Ewing replies that if she can't have a baby for whatever reason, she can always adopt, and Jock and J.R. would totally be fine with it, and I am all, like, "Bitch, have you met Jock and J.R.?"

Sue Ellen seems to think this is good advice, though, and heads to the adoption agency...at least, that's what I gathered when this shot went on for about ten seconds:

The adoption agent...mmm, let's call her 1970s Kristen Bell...is very excited that a Ewing wants to adopt, but she is also very not excited because Sue Ellen wants a newborn. The wait for those is very long, you see, because of selfish single mothers keeping their babies, The Pill, and abortion. Deflated, Sue Ellen leaves. 1970s Kristen Bell gets on the phone and calls...dun dun dunnnn...a black market white baby dealer!

"yes hello, black market white baby dealer? this is 1970s Kristen Bell."

Meanwhile, back at Southfork, Pam tells Bobby that she's totally, really for sure going downtown to talk to Liz Craig about that job. This shocks Bobby, for he thought they settled the matter the night before. Pam stands up for herself, saying that nothing was settled, Bobby just gave his opinion on things. Bobby's all NO and Pam is all YES and I am all I LOVE PAM.

still life: drama

Back downtown, Cliff Barnes (remember him?) talks with a fellow lawyer about lawyer stuff and politics stuff, but what matters is that the lawyer is, in fact, the black market white baby dealer! And he's meeting Sue Ellen! And before he departs, Cliff meets Sue Ellen! She comments that he's much more attractive than his reputation would indicate. He comments that she's much too pretty to be a Ewing. They make moony eyes for a moment, and reader...do sparks fly?

SPOILER ALERT YES THEY DO.

Over lunch, the black market white baby dealer explains that he's got a 17-year-old girl who's seven months pregnant and wants to skirt the adoption agency rigamarole; for $15,000, Sue Ellen can have that baby. Sue Ellen decides that she wants to meet the girl, and I decide that whoever picked out the centerpieces for this restaurant was trolling hard.

"oh let me just reach for the sweet-n-low--OW YOU MOTHERFUCKER"

Sue Ellen has made good on her promise to visit the mother-to-be, who lives in an efficiency on what is clearly the wrong side of the tracks. You can tell because there are scrubby-looking kids standing listlessly, boards strewn everywhere, a random tire, and a Black fellow hanging out.

Unsurprisingly, the girl is surly and bitter, and she tells Sue Ellen to stuff it. Sue Ellen won't give up, though, and promises to rent a better apartment for her and buy her everything she needs.

The next morning, Pam has gone to talk to Liz Craig yet again. This puts a newly-enlightened Bobby in the uncomfortable position of having to explain to his horribly sexist father that if Pam wants a job, it's fine by him. Jock replies, "A job? What's she need a job for? Ewing women don't work!" as Miss Ellie looks on with a herp derp face and I'm reminded how much I hate them both.

"rarr me am chauvinist!"

"ha ha oh jock you sure am!"

At the newly-rented deluxe apartment, Sue Ellen and her baby mama bond over their shared beauty pageant past, and how they both had to deal with losses therein. It is very touching, by which I mean not at all touching. I do like that this is only the tenth episode of the series and we've already gotten two over-the-shoulder, gazing-at-a-pageant photo shots (the other being in this horrible episode).

Sue Ellen and Baby Mama decide to go shopping for some baby clothes and that's awfully nice except for one thing...they go to The Store! The Store where Pam was just talking with Liz Craig! Of course they run into each other, and as Baby Mama talks there's a beautiful moment where you can see Sue Ellen's life pass before her panicked eyes.

Sue Ellen scrambles and creates a story about the girl being part of a Big Sister charity, and Sue Ellen is just helping out. Pam accepts this and splits, but Baby Mama overheard and finds it insulting that Sue Ellen is embarrassed by her. Sue Ellen explains that she's not embarrassed, it's only that this whole adoption thing is a secret at the moment. By the time everyone finds out, it'll be too late and everything will be fine! After hearing this super great plan in which nothing could possibly go wrong, Baby Mama gives us the quote of the episode:

"You're buying a baby and you haven't told your husband?"

Buying a baby is fine, you see, but not telling everyone is morally suspect!

Back at Southfork, Lucy delights at stirring up shit: she tells J.R. that she's taken phone calls for Sue Ellen from some guy named Buzz, and also from the apartment realtor. What oh what could that mean? Oh Lucy, I do love it when you're devious.

J.R. immediately gets on the phone and calls one of his good ol' boy types to investigate.

Later, Pam is swimming (as usual) and takes a phone call for "Mrs. Ewing". It's Baby Mama, wondering what hospital she should go to when it's Baby Time. When Pam is all "Uh, you have the wrong Mrs. Ewing," Baby Mama hangs up, leaving Pam alone with her curious thoughts and her bosoms.

"did I leave the iron on?"

Pam goes to talk to Sue Ellen about all this, telling her this baby contest is ridiculous. Sue Ellen throws "shop girl" at her as an insult and tells Pam that it's none of her beeswax.

She leaves to bring some items to Baby Mama's apartment, but guess who's there instead?

Of course he found out everything, and he informs Sue Ellen that Baby Mama is on a bus to California. I'm sure everything will work out just fine for her!

They head back to Southfork and have it out. J.R. tells Sue Ellen that he wants a baby, sure, but he wants it to be theirs. She reminds him that having a baby requires sex, which in turn requires touching, and J.R. hasn't touched her in months. Then shit gets really weird and gross: she slaps him and he gets turned on...she's all GET OFF ME and he's even more turned on...she starts saying "I don't want you" but in a way that means she does and then they do it, finally, geez. I've already ruminated on what I imagine to be J.R.'s secret kinks and I don't want to do it anymore, thank you very much "Black Market Baby."

Or do I?

No! Well, maybe.

eww

As the episode winds down, Sue Ellen and J.R. wander outside just in time to see that Bobby has bought Pam a shiny new black t-topped Corvette so she won't have to drive his car to her new job.

hot

I'd like to take this moment to remind you that this is what Sue Ellen drives:

J.R. tries to snuggle up on her and she acts rather disgusted, leaving us to wonder if it's residual feelings of ick or whether he did basically, you know, rape his wife. Thanks, Dallas, always a good time!

Poor Sue Ellen, loveless and trapped by the trappings she loves. Or something. Eh, booze will make it all better!

2.1 - REUNION part one

Original airdate: September 23, 1978

Hey y'all, welcome to a whole new season of Dallas. To kick things off, everyone must partake in the Season 2 opening credits. Oh, such changes...such a breath of fresh air. There's a new title font, wow! Even more importantly, Linda goddamn Gray has been added as a full-fledged cast member worthy of her own credit sequence triptych. It's about time, I say! Ray got a triptych, too, but who cares about Ray?


It's been a couple of weeks since the booze, beef, and brouhaha-filled Barbecue and the Ewings are spending some quality family time together relaxing by the pool and just generally being rich. Jock and Miss Ellie play backgammon, Sue Ellen partakes in a crossword puzzle, Pam floats in the pool in a way that accentuates her bosoms so much that even J.R. takes notice...which makes Sue Ellen take disapproving notice.

this can't be the first time they've noticed Pam's bosoms...also, "bosoms" is my favorite word to use when talking about bosoms

Everyone seems to be getting along, isn't that nice? Well, mostly everyone. I admit, this is my favorite moment in this scene:


I seriously watched that like five times in a row.

Apparently there's a big cattle auction coming up so Miss Ellie has to yammer on about how great the Southworth cattle were and how great the Ewing cattle are and how Bobby and J.R. have never shown much interest in all of it, it was always Gary who was her little cowboy and...

Gary! That's a name we haven't heard in a while. Why bring him up now, in an episode called "Reunion"? HMM I WONDER.

But let's not get all cart-before-the-horse, okay? We're still in the opening scene and there is a shit ton to celebrate. From Lucy's silent sass to Jock's lush hair...

...to J.R.'s glasses...

...all the way to Sue Ellen's strut...

...this scene has it all!

But alas, it cannot go on forever. Sue Ellen soon gets her Lady Macbeth on and tells J.R. that he's falling from his position of power--everyone's being nice to Pam, Bobby's making headway at Ewing Oil--and she won't stand for it. If he won't do something about it, she will! J.R., however, won't stand for being told what to do and shuts her down: "You wanna keep sleeping between those satin sheets, don't you ever try to tell me how to run my business."

YOU GUYS THEY SLEEP ON SATIN SHEETS.

Is this a nagging wife which I see before me?

It's so weird, it's as if the producers just discovered that Victoria Principal has great bosoms and that they might be a selling point for the show (rather than the teenaged Lucy) and therefore said bosoms should be front-n-center ' as often as possible.

Bobby and Pam head off to Las Vegas for a comic convention oil industry gathering. They walk around a lobby for a while, smiling and nodding and shaking hands while the theme from Dallas plays (that is not a joke). Who oh WHO I wonder is this concerned creepster staring at them?

For some reason, the gathering moves to Bobby's suite and all I really care about is this woman in the exquisite flowy red jumpsuit thing. Man, she really made the most out of her non-speaking background role, let me tell you...she was whooping it up and feeding the guy in the blue suit and walking around and interacting wordlessly with Bobby and more. She was great and I hope Woman in Exquisite Flowy Red Jumpsuit Thing becomes a recurring character.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice cattle auction, Lucy decides she wants to split and head for "that western store." Jock sends her off with Ray and a couple of hundred bucks, but once outside the stockyards she reveals to Ray that she's not going to "that western store" as a car pulls up and she hops in. It was all a ruse! Ray lets us know that the car is driven by Jimmy, Pam's cousin we met at the Ewing barbecue, because the part is now being played by a different actor and we would've had no idea who this guy is. Where are they going? Lucy assures Ray: "It's not what you think!" and she's totally right. They end up at a greasy spoon called The Hot Biscuit and that's not at all what I was thinking...but from now on it's definitely all I'm thinking forever. The Hot Biscuit. It's all I care about now!

if you didn't get that Hall of Justice joke, this link is for you

So what the heck is Lucy up to here at The Hot Biscuit? How many times can I work "The Hot Biscuit" into this recap? So many questions!

It turns out that this Hot Biscuit waitress...

...is Valene! Lucy's mom! Joan motherfucking Van Ark! Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!

Over yonder in Las Vegas, there's another reunion afoot. A service worker practically forces his way past Bobby into the suite and...why, it's not a service worker. It's the concerned creepster! The concerned creepster is Gary, the long-lost alcoholic Ewing brother! Exclamation mark!

Also, holy shit, "creepster" is right. Even when we know who this dude is, the dead-behind-the-eyes creepiness just won't go away, amirite?

"Say, are you about a size 14?"

For those who didn't watch the show's first season, Valene helpfully recounts her history with Gary for Lucy: they were young and she was pregnant and they got married and Gary succumbed to The Pressures of Being a Ewing and ran off and Lucy was born and then after Lucy busted out da womb J.R. snatched her away and told Val to skedaddle. Through gritted teeth Lucy says "I used to think I hated J.R. Ewing more than anybody. But I didn't. Not until now." I'm not entirely sure that makes sense (Whom did she hate more than J.R. up until this moment? "I didn't think I could hate J.R. any more..." might be more à propos, no?), but her sentiment is admirable.

and I really do mean "through gritted teeth"

Gary tells Pam and Bobby all about his last few years: 2-week blackout this, rock bottom that. He blames J.R. for exacerbating his problems, and Pam commiserates. This episode is a key juncture in the series; while we saw some glimpses of J.R.'s a-hole-ishness in Season 1, it's here where the writers really begin to build him up as a villain. Pretty much everyone in the episode mentions how awful he is and how miserable he makes their lives. Boy, if he's not careful, he's liable to end up getting shot! Right? Get it? J.R. getting shot? Wink wink!

At any rate, Bobby successfully needles Gary into going home to Southfork, where this news generates different amounts of excitement. J.R. and Sue Ellen are nonplussed. Jock is cautiously optimistic. Miss Ellie is about to have a stroke.

Sue Ellen worries that J.R. will slip even further down the totem pole of power if he has yet another brother to contend with, but J.R. isn't worried. Gary's always been a loser and he'll screw things up for himself without any help from J.R.

Out in the barn, Lucy tries to get Ray up into The Hayloft of Sin, but Gary shows up at Southfork and distracts her before Ray succumbs to her goblin charms. I couldn't be happier about this because I just...I can't take any more Ray/Sex Goblin canoodling. I JUST CAN'T.

NO

Out in the driveway, the first two minutes of the reunion are going splendidly, with hugs and handshakes and smiles all around. Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!

During after-dinner cocktails, however, things get a little tense. Jock has had enough small talk and thinks it's time everyone clears the air. "If anyone wants to punch me in the mouth," he says, "just stand up and do it right now." I stood up, but thankfully I stopped myself from punching my TV because I can't afford a new one. The air does get cleared, however, as Gary essentially says "Eh, it's fine" when J.R. starts to bring up old business.

must...resist...urge to punch...

As Gary and Bobby enjoy some late-night milk, Miss Ellie noses her way into the conversation. She hugs all up on Gary, and when he says "Glad I came home for a visit, mama," she replies...

...she replies...

"Not a visit, son. You're home for good."

HOW INSIDIOUS IS THAT? Not only because, you know, Gary has his own life now and maybe he doesn't want to move back to fucking Southfork, geez, but also because that "...for good" is so damn ominous-sounding. Miss Ellie's (and, to be fair, Jock's) pathological need to keep everyone under the same roof forever and ever is but a hair's breadth away from making this all a horror movie. It's so great!

Gary's face relays regret over his decision to come home and/or, perhaps, that he's about to murder Miss Ellie. Either way, I totally get it.

The next morning, Lucy convinces her dad to take a drive with her to Fort Worth. Where are they going? To The Hot Biscuit of course! Lucy's got some Parent Trap-style scheme to get Gary and Val back together, you see, and her eyebrows let us know that she's super pleased with herself about it. I love the over-the-top faces she makes so much.

While Gary and Lucy try to convince Valene to take a ride out to Southfork with them (Everyone's changed, even J.R.! Everything is wonderful. Reunions, hooray!), Pam receives a phone call. Digger, who's been on a bender since that barbecue, was found "half-dead in the street" and is in the hospital. That's sad and all, but I admit to being distracted by the new bedside phone. A new phone, a new Jimmy, a new credit sequence...such a renaissance in Season 2!

Gary calls the ranch to say that hey, you know, just to throw things into further disarray, Valene is coming home with me. Surprisingly, everyone is on board...except, not surprisingly, J.R., who told that tramp never to set foot in Texas again.

When it becomes obvious that he's alone in his opposition, however, he acquiesces...publicly, at least. Then he scoots inside and makes a phone call. He tells some guy in a suit that he doesn't want to liquidate some loser company the Ewings own because he's found just the loser to run it. I didn't care about any of that, though, because I was too focused on the giant dogcyclopedia behind him. What the hell is with that?

Sue Ellen comes in at the end of the call, yet again concerned about J.R.'s potential fall from grace. He tells her not to worry, that he's going to be exactly what his family wants him to be: his brother's keeper. But...no one has mentioned anything of the sort. In fact, everyone has told J.R. to shut up and leave Gary alone. But, no matter! The episode ends with a freeze frame on J.R.'s soulless/evil laugh, which is just fine by moi. Can't wait for next week!

This episode didn't feature enough Pam for my liking, but it was still a real delight. Joan Van Ark! J.R. taking his first steps into true villainy! Sue Ellen taking her first true steps into conniving-y! And best of all...The Hot Biscuit. Hey, I worked that in seven times!