2.21 - ROYAL WEDDING

Original airdate: March 9, 1979

Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, "How can this week's episode possibly top the dizzying highs of last week's sexless sexnanigans?" A valid question, but let me tell you--"Royal Wedding" tops it in so many ways, I don't have enough fingers to count them! From the opening seconds it's obvious we're in for something special. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the opening seconds of this episode yourself:


A full minute dedicated to a disco scene with yes, Lucy Ewing and Kit Mainwaring amongst the satin-clad bootyshakers. Is it not glorious? It's been awhile since we've had a proper scene of the young folk shaking their groove things...if I recall correctly, the last was all the way back in episode 2, when a new disco opened in Braddock and Pam and Bobby got the fuck down. I know we're not going to get many more disco scenes--if any--as the show continues, and that's such a shame. What a time it was! Cocaine and hair flying, people of all stripes smiling and dancing, not a lick of irony or cynicism in sight. The Ronald Reagan era (aka the beginning of the end) was still a few years away and "greed" wasn't the total way of life for American society yet. Did the uber-wealthy families of Dallas help usher in that "money and mine above all" sentiment? It is certainly possible! But those are thoughts for another time. This episode in particular deserves respect. I'm serious, it does! You'll see, I swear.

Anyway yes, Lucy and the "gorgeous" Kit Mainwaring, whom we met last episode, are an item. A make-y-out-y item,  as we see when the duo returns to Kit's place for some "backgammon." I don't know why I put that in quotes, it's not a euphemism. They really play backgammon. And they make out. Did I mention they make out? Because they do.

See? Told you

Lucy mentions that there's a college in New England she wants to attend after she graduates high school, but she's sure her grandparents will make her stay in Dallas, which is gross. Kit's family is a wealthy oil family like the Ewings, but his parents aren't as gross and don't force him to live with them. He's got his very own, very brown apartment like a big boy, but they did hire a butler (named Jesús) to keep an eye on him...so, okay, they're partially as gross as the Ewings are.  What is with these rich people?

Lucy is ready to go all the way, if you know what I mean (SEX), but Kit demurs. He cares too much about her and doesn't want to treat her like she's "cheap," after all. She starts casually throwing around the word "marriage," but he demurs about that, too. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

Kit takes Lucy home and they run into J.R., who is all smiles and sunshine when he sees the young Mr. Mainwaring. Lucy and I have the same thought: That is not at all like J.R. What is he up to? Our paths then diverge: Lucy makes out with Kit again while I...well, I guess I watch them make out. That sounds pervy, but may I remind you this is a television show, it is meant to be watched.

J.R.'s smile immediately fades the moment he enters his bedroom, and the reason why is immediately apparent. The boozophone starts playing. What's the boozophone? This is the boozophone:



And what does the boozophone herald? The boozophone heralds this:

Reader, I know there is nothing funny about a heavily pregnant woman who is passed out dead drunk, glass in hand. But oh, that music and this image had me going for a good long while I tells ya.

The next morning, the requisite "breakfast at Southfork" scene is a pastiche of clueless dysfunction. Pam tells Bobby she might have to work late, and he reminds her yet again that she "can always quit" the job she obviously really loves. Sue Ellen is still a bit drunk, and Lucy is "just gonna have a little eggs" because she's still on a diet. She ends up skipping the eggs altogether when J.R.--clearly still up to something--suggests that she and Kit have dinner with him and Sue Ellen. The notion makes her too sick to eat her breakfast, you see, but she reluctantly agrees to the dinner.

At said dinner, J.R. says that when we was but a wee bonny lad, he would follow Jock to the Ewing Oil offices and working in the family business is all he's ever wanted to do. Kit, on the other hand, is only at Mainwaring Oil to please his parents and get a touch of "real life" which will he claims help inform his true career aspirations as a writer. "He's even been published!" Lucy exclaims, all googly-eyed. J.R. then intercepts Sue Ellen's booze order, calls her and himself "old folks," and earns himself another one of her patented sideways glares that I love so so much:

As he stands to leave, J.R. gives Kit and Lucy some money to treat themselves to another night at Jimmy's Disco (!!!) and again Lucy wonders what his ulterior motives are.

The next day we get a taste of Kit's "real life" experiences at Mainwaring Oil. His father is pleased to see him being responsible and doing...I don't know, business paperwork, especially considering that Kit was apparently wild for a while after he left home, drinking and gambling and who-knows-what-else-ing. If Kit is serious about Lucy, his family will overlook their bad feelings about the Ewings and support his settling down with her. To prove they're serious, they're going to a party--excuse me, to a gala celebration the Ewings are throwing for some reason.

This party gala celebration, dammit is so good, you guys, every minute of it. First of all, if you think that the Ewings don't know how to par-tay, you'd better think again! I mean, just check out the band they hired!

Is this The Coffins, playing at one of Lucy's parties at last? "Why not," says I. "Certainly not!" says Sue Ellen. The final decision, reader, is yours.

Speaking of Sue Ellen, SURPRISE she's drunk! She's drunk and flirting heavily with a gentleman, and before she can make a complete fool of herself, Pam and Miss Ellie try to whisk her off to a Southfork interior far away from the festivities. Sue Ellen, however will not be whisked easily! She puts up a brief, angry-drunk fight, but eventually relents. It is important to note that like the booze, the gowns are flowing.

Ray and Lucy share a nice moment where Ray tells her how happy for her he is, and she tells him how happy for herself she is, and she's in love, and couldn't you just awwwwww.

Meanwhile, Kit and Bobby are having a chat and like the booze and the gowns, the velvet and the chest hair are flowing.

AND THEN.

Kit's parents show up but who cares about them? I care about the appearance of another party guest: my beloved Alpha Queen in Purple is there! IN PURPLE!

Listen, we will get to her in a bit, oh yes we will. But first! Pam and Bobby share a tender moment...under the chicken piñata??

Reader, I gasped. Although I suppose I should have expected its appearance; after all, nothing says "gala celebration" like a single, random chicken piñata.

I began to suspect that all the way back in 1979, the Dallas producers and set designers and directors could see me in the future, eyes scouring every corner of the screen as I soak up every detail to regale you with later in my recaps, and so they filled every background of every shot of this party gala celebration with wonders just for me (and subsequently you). How else to explain that chicken? How else to explain not only that first appearance of the Alpha Queen in Purple, but also that she fucking blatantly and oh so boldly photobombs Lucy and Kit as they tell everyone that they've just gotten engaged?

Yeah yeah, Lucy and Kit got engaged, sure, whatever.

Aw, I shouldn't downplay it so much. According to the society pages in the newspaper the next morning, this is big news!

Lucy says that she and Kit want a small wedding with just the two families, but J.R. reminds her of her "social responsibilities." Sue Ellen suggests there'll be around 300 guests, but at least everyone is, you know, considerate enough to allow Lucy to invite her parents Val and Gary to the wedding.

J.R. then tells Lucy that he wants to buy her a car as a graduation gift, and finally she's like "Okay yes I want the car but why are you being so nice lately?" He doesn't go into specifics with her, but he does tell her that as a Ewing, she should know when there's a deal to be made.

And a deal to be made there is! With Mainwaring Oil! Cliff Barnes and the Office of Land Management have already approved Mainwaring's plans for an oil refinery in the gulf. J.R. is going to use the pending merger of Kit and Lucy (sounds hot) as a way to glom on to that refinery deal. The refinery will make them rich(er), and J.R. can give the metaphorical middle finger (also sounds hot) to Barnes and the oildudes who gave Ewing Oil the brushoff in the previous episode.

That night, Lucy, Kit, Bobby, and Pam head to the disco once more. Again, I may not get many of these scenes in the future but boy is this episode treating me right! There are shiny fabrics and shiny faces as far as the eye can see. Kit and Lucy take a break and a particularly shiny young man comes over to say hello to Kit. Lucy is pleased to be talking to this person, while Kit is...decidedly less pleased. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

The shiny young fellow leaves and Kit explains that he is Sam, and Sam was Kit's college roommate. AGAIN I SAY HMM I SAY.

And yes, this means that Kit is out of college, hasn't lived at home in years, works a job after time carousing...and is dating a high school student. But don't worry! They make a point of telling us that she's "almost 19." (She wasn't when she was canoodling with Ray in The Hayloft of Sin, but we don't talk about that anymore, okay? Okay??)

After this shiny encounter, Kit and Lucy head to Kit's apartment again but backgammon is not on the menu tonight, oh no. Kit wants Lucy. Kit needs Lucy. It is time to DO IT. And once more I say oh, Dallas producers and set designers and directors, are you calling out to me from the past? Is that why Kit has a chicken print on his wall? To amuse me? Or is that in fact a male chicken, if you know what I mean, and deliberately there to cheekily hint at what we, uh, might already suspect about Kit?

In the post-coital times, Lucy is positively moony. She's never felt this way about anyone, and no one has ever treated her the way that Kit does. He gives her love and attention! He respects her! She's no longer the spoiled rich brat we've seen in every previous episode. She's a woman now, and she's in lurve. Kit assures her that he loves her also but he seems...mmm...not as excited as she is about all of this, let's say.

The next day he goes to see Bobby at Ewing Oil HQ in order to ask some advice. It's been a few weeks now since the engagement announcement, and Kit needs to call off the wedding. What should he do? Shockingly, Bobby doesn't accept "I just can't go through with it" as a good enough excuse to break Lucy's heart, so he presses Kit for a reason. Finally Kit says it! "I'm a homosexual, Bobby." To say the least, Bobby is stunned.

See? Told you

Kit goes on to explain that he originally went out with Lucy for appearances. He grew to truly love her as a person and admire her, but that doesn't change who he is, and neither did sleeping with her the night before. He doesn't want to hurt her any further, so he needs to call off the wedding. Bobby is...pretty cool about all of this, actually. He doesn't like that it's going to hurt his niece and he can't help in that regard, but he says Kit's personal life is his own business. Reader, I gasped!

And I gasped again, even louder, in the next scene when guess who I see pawing over Lucy's wedding gifts whilst waiting for Sue Ellen?

There she is again! IN PURPLE! Ahem, excuse me, she will always be the Alpha Queen in Purple, but here we finally learn that her name is Marilee. I googled to make sure I was spelling her name right and you guys, hold onto your butts: she is listed as being in 73 episodes of this show. She is Marilee Stone and while I got only the barest hint of what is come for her (I didn't want to spoil myself or you), let me just say that I am so psyched and I am hereby proclaiming myself to be the #1 (and #only, to be sure) Marilee Stone stan. So say we all.

Sue Ellen finally shows up and almost passes out. But she's fine! She's just a little dizzy because pregnancy doesn't agree with her, that's all. Honest! Do Marilee Stone and Not Marilee Stone believe this excuse? What does this screencap tell you?

Miss Ellie obviously doesn't believe Sue Ellen, and neither does Lucy. In fact, when all the Daughters of the Alamo finally head out to lunch, Lucy doesn't believe it for so long that she ends up staring directly into the camera for several seconds, as if willing the director to cut.

I tell you, the gifts this episode gives me are endless.

At Ewing Oil HQ, J.R. has forged that refinery deal with Kit's father, but Bobby tells him not to get too excited about it because Kit's about to call off the wedding. J.R. refuses to accept this, but Bobby assures him it's in Lucy's best interest. "What's she got to do with this?" he asks, and goes on to reveal that he knows all about Kit's secret. And that secret is no excuse, according to J.R. "Women marry homosexuals all the time!" he says. "Seems to suit a lot of 'em."

Bobby is shocked that J.R. would sink so low as to investigate Kit Mainwaring and I say really, Bobby? This shocks you? Of course J.R. knows, he knows everything about everybody! He knows so much that he's practically the Shadow Broker from Mass Effect! That's a video game reference that probably none of you will get but I'm going to make it anyway because trust me, it's pretty spot on. Anyway, as Bobby learns all of this, he makes nearly the same face he makes when he learned that Kit is gay. I guess this is Bobby's "learning something" face.

J.R. threatens to make a big stinky scandal if Kit calls off the wedding, because Kit is no threat to him. "Kit Mainwaring is more of a man, J.R., than you'll ever be," Bobby says, and I high-fived my television.

Unsurprisingly, J.R. goes to Kit's apartment to talk him out of calling off the wedding. Kit needs a beard after all, doesn't he? And if he's a part of J.R.'s family, no one ever has to know the truth. Lucy will be happy, J.R. will be happy, and Kit...well, I guess Kit doesn't matter.

But I'll tell you what does matter: Kit has a piece of art on his coffee table that is...a severed foot?? THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE.

That night, Kit tells Lucy the truth. Sam wasn't just his roommate, they were lovers. He got with her to try to be "socially normal" and "accepted" and make his parents happy, but he just can't go through with it. Lucy insists that she can, that everything will be fine and she'll live with the arrangement. No, Kit insists. "I've got to learn to like myself the way I am," he says, and reader, I gasped.

Incidentally, this is Lucy's "learning something" face

Lucy is crushed, of course, but she promises to handle J.R. and promises that there will be no scandal for anyone.

It is remarkable to me that this show would frankly address homosexuality in a way that is so informed and respectful. I can't really stress enough how groundbreaking this was. The period between the 1969 Stonewall riots (which marked the beginning of gay liberation) and the AIDS epidemic that would begin in the very early 80s was one of great progress and change for the LGBT community. Throughout the 1970s gay folks began...well, being acknowledged. News programs treated homosexuality as a bit of a curiosity, something that needed explaining for the average viewer. Gay characters appeared occasionally in movies, but oftentimes they either killed or were killed. It wasn't until 1977's Soap that a gay character regularly appeared on a TV sitcom. In TV dramas there was...no one that I know of.

For Dallas--which was a smash success and would soon be on top of the ratings for several years--to feature a character like Kit Mainwaring is truly daring. He is treated with respect by the other characters on the show (even J.R. just wants to use it as blackmail fodder, as you'd expect). Even more importantly, Kit has respect for himself. There is no "love of a good woman" that can change him, no matter how good that woman is. He wants to live his life on his own terms. That he is afforded this is truly pioneering for 1979. Heck, we're only just starting to see gay characters that don't have to die at the end of a narrative or don't end up alone or they aren't the villains. Dallas was way ahead of its time here, and I don't think I've ever loved it more.

ESPECIALLY considering that we get more Marilee Stone! The Daughters of the Alamo have returned from their all-day lunch, and Marilee shadily brings up Sue Ellen's "dizzy spells" and I was in Heaven. Then Lucy shows up and promptly tells everyone that the wedding is off. She makes up a story about how Kit would get really jealous and possessive whenever she talked to her friends so she doesn't want to marry him. J.R. tries to object, but everyone hushes him up. Meanwhile, Marilee and Not Marilee are psyched as shit about this gossip and practically leave a trail of fire behind them as they promptly leave.

I'm her #1 fan, you know

Lucy has gone into another room to (understandably) bawl her eyes out, and Bobby earns maximum Cool Uncle points for talking her through it. He tells her that if Kit didn't really love her, he would have gone ahead and married her under false pretenses, and that it took a lot of guts for Kit to tell her the truth about himself. Reader, you guessed it. I gasped! This show!

Surely this is one of the best episodes in Dallas's entire run, no? Sure, it's not as salacious or crazy as the really fun stuff, but it's honestly a piece of television history that deserves recognition and respect. It's a wonderful showcase for Charlene Tilton, who runs the gamut from comedic mugging to googly-eyed love to shaking her satin-clad booty to full-on sobbing heartbreak. She's really terrific here and as a viewer you can tell she's really got a grip on who Lucy Ewing is. You love to see it.

And let's not forget about that chicken piñata! Why this episode didn't win all the Emmys I'll never understand.

2.7 - RUNAWAY

Original airdate: October 29, 1978

Yes! "Runaway"! Finally someone gets a clue and runs away from the GD insane Ewing clan. But who is it? But why is it? Now don't you worry--all will be revealed, I swear.

It's a lovely morning at Southfork and everyone is planning Lucy's birthday party except Lucy: Miss Ellie is hard at work on the guest list, while Sue Ellen tries to decide on a band. When Lucy suggests they maybe hire a band that she enjoys, like The Coffins (!), Sue Ellen shuts it down with a quick "Lucy, no one can stand that music." Pam has even picked out some dresses for the birthday girl from The Store, but at least she cops to Lucy being able to pick out a new one if she doesn't like any of Pam's selections. J.R. intends to use the party as an opportunity to engage in business and political shenanigans.

This party is the bullshit that broke the camel's back, and Lucy has had enough! "I hate this family!" she cries, but no one seems to care. "She'll get over it," Miss Ellie says, ever oblivious to her own awfulness.

Pam goes to talk to Lucy, who has a full-blown hissy fit. I was going to upload video of it, but somehow the stills of her "this place sucks" mental breakdown are much more satisfying.

After this conversation, Bobby and Pam, ever the cool aunt and uncle, speak up, suggesting that hey, maybe Lucy should have some say in her own friggin' birthday party. Miss Ellie agrees and decides that she'll actually invite some of Lucy's friends (gasp), and maybe Lucy can even pick out the band. Still, Sue Ellen is having none of that: "Certainly not The Coffins!"

Meanwhile, Lucy reads a letter that arrived addressed to her. It's from her mom, Valene, who finally tells her daughter that she didn't really demand money from J.R.- he ran her out of town yet again. Someone on the writing staff must have said "Hey, what about that Ray guy?" because he shows up after being M.I.A. for a while: Lucy tells him she wants to invite Valene to her birthday party. Ray says it's not a good idea, then disappears for the rest of the episode.

At dinner, Lucy decides to ask Jock anyway, saying it's the only thing she wants for her birthday. J.R. immediately votes a big HELL NO, whilst Bobby votes a big WHY NOT. Jock sides with J.R., saying that after the way she left last time, Valene is no longer welcome at Southfork. When Lucy says that J.R. lied about all that, Jock sends her to her room. When asked if he really did lie, J.R. says no and blames Lucy's outburst on her "female emotions," which is so great I can barely handle it. Thank goodness she's not on her period, who knows what she would have done.

All of this plays out accompanied by a series of REACTION SHOTS, which are totally my favorite thing on this show. Well, some of my favorite things, anyway. I have a lot of favorite things on Dallas.

Pam, as always, is not the one

If you haven't figured it out by now, yes, it's Lucy who quits this asshole family. Later that night she sneaks out with only her shoulder bag and her guitar (uh, she plays guitar now? I guess?) and steals J.R.'s car. Yeah, the Mercedes with the "EWING 3" license plate. No one will ever spot it, and this will surely end well!

J.R. figures it all out first thing the next morning, that Lucy has gone to see her "tramp mother," and he calls the cops.

Lucy ends up at a diner and while she...uh, dines...a van pulls up, and here's what you need to know about it. It's driven by Greg Evigan of television's B.J. and the Bear, the sides are painted with what looks like a sunburst and fish scales, the walls and ceiling are covered in shag carpet, there's a gun hidden in the glove compartment, and the dashboard is covered in Wampa fur.

In other words, it's so amazing.

Lucy and Greg Evigan make eyes at each other, but only for a second; she spots the cops outside, sniffing around J.R.'s car so she splits out the backdoor, her guitar and J.R.'s gas card now her only possessions. She hitchhikes, Greg Evigan picks her up, and MY GOD I wish this is how B.J. and the Bear began and that Charlene Tilton was The Bear.

Back at Southfork, they get word that cops have found the car and Lucy's bag. There were no signs of foul play, which is a relief. Everyone is still worried because Lucy might indeed escape the Ewings' clutches this time and--horror of horrors--end up with her mother, so Bobby decides to go after her.

Lucy has asked Greg Evigan to take her to San Antonio, Valene's last known whereabouts. They find Valene's apartment, but unfortunately she's moved. They go to the restaurant where she waitressed, only to find she's quit. Hmm, it's like she's off living her life somewhere or something.

While Lucy chats with the restaurant owner, Greg Evigan decides to bust open the register and steal all the monies. Lucy and the restaurant owner are both totally shocked.

Outside, Lucy is all "Okay, I wasn't aware that you're a crazy criminal, I should go!" but Greg Evigan is all "SHUT YOUR FACE!" and makes her go along with him.

That night, as Greg Evigan catches some zzzs, Lucy tries to sneak away to no avail. You see, Lucy told him that her last name is "Clements" and that she stole J.R.'s car and gas card. While that last part may not technically be a lie, the telling has given Greg Evigan the wrong idea, which is that they're a real Bonnie and Clyde kinda duo. Oops.

The Littlest Bonnie

The next day, everyone at Southfork decides "Fuck it!" and has Lucy's birthday party even though she's not there.

certainly not The Coffins

Jock has a feeling and tells Miss Ellie that he feels responsible for Lucy running away, that he may have been wrong to say that Valene couldn't come to the party. Instead of nudging her husband towards continued change, Miss Ellie tells him that he "said what he had to say" and none of it matters because Bobby will have Lucy back any minute.

still life: sociopath and asshole

Lucy's in trouble, sure, but not to worry- Encyclopedia Bobby is on the case! He tracked her to the restaurant, tracked her to a gas station, and found out that she's on her way to Austin, which is for sure Valene's real last known whereabouts. He calls a Ewing contact at the Austin PD which is a good idea considering that Lucy's basically been kidnapped by a wackadoo who's already committed armed robbery a few times this weekend.

Crime's hottest new couple have already made it to Austin, and this sign causes a big metaphorical lightbulb to go off over Greg Evigan's head:

DON'T GET EXCITED: despite the fact that everything about that sign from "The Overcomer Club" to "Amateur Day" undoubtedly has you thinking "strip club," it's just a bar. And by "talent" they mean, like, talent show talent, so Greg Evigan has decided that Lucy will haul her guitar up on stage and win them a hundred bucks.

"I can't sing," she protests, to which he simply responds, "Yes you can." Well, alright then.

He tells her not to be nervous, since he's "gonna be right up front, watching every step you make," which you'd think would make her, you know, even more nervous. They head inside, and we see that Greg Evigan foolishly parked in a no parking zone. A cop starts writing him a parking ticket and wow, this is so Son of Sam, you guys!

(Meanwhile, back at Southfork, the party winds down and Pam spends a tender moment with Lucy's birthday cake.)

The moment we've been waiting for all our lives is here: Lucy sings. You may notice that she doesn't play guitar, that Greg Evigan does not sit right up front, that the clapping is off rhythm, the lip-synching is off track, and everything is so perfect. And whoever's actually singing, sounding like ground-up glass washed down with whiskey...I swear it's like Charlene Tilton of the future went back in time and sang this for Charlene Tilton of the past. Or something. It's Lucyception!


Lucy doesn't have time to bask in that standing ovation, however, because Greg Evigan grabs her and they skedaddle out the back door...where the cops and Bobby are waiting. There are like twenty guns pointed at him, but when told to freeze Greg Evigan is so badass that he yells "You freeze, turkeys!" and then there's a totally intense standoff.

Bobby offers up himself and all the money in his wallet in exchange for Lucy's freedom. Greg Evigan decides it's a good deal, and Bobby slowly walks forward until all hell breaks loose: Pam grabs Greg Evigan's ear, and Bobby punches him out. The cops slap the cuffs on him because crime doesn't pay and a reunited uncle and niece share a hug.

and then they saved 15% on a nice ficus at the plant sale

Back at Southfork, everyone is relieved that Lucy is okay and Jock says he'll have his birthday dance with her tomorrow, when she's back home. Puke.

As with pretty much every episode of Dallas, the great thing is that everything learned will be forgotten by next week. Miss Ellie and Jock will continue to smother everyone. Lucy will stop trying to see her mother while no one will take J.R. to task for running said mother out of town. There will be no criminal trial for Greg Evigan, and Lucy will not receive any decent emotional support for everything she went through. If we're lucky, though, maybe someday she'll sing for us again!