Wherein every episode of DALLAS is recapped and reviewed in chronological order. Updates Fridays.

Friday, March 21, 2014


Okay, let me lay down some truth on you: this episode should be called "Winds of WHAT THE FUCK" because I cannot believe the amounts of sheer fuckery that pile up during its 48 minutes. For real, I'm gonna need to take a Silkwood shower or three to get the stink of this one off me. This stink, it is not a good one!

The stink begins in the faraway land called "Waco, Texas", where J.R. and Ray leave the floozies and the cheap motel they humped 'em in to head home. Before the cads have hit the highway, a truck pulls in...a truck driven by Brian Dennehy! He and a fellow I shall call Not Brian Dennehy storm into the motel room J.R. just left- one of the nude floozies, you see, is Wanda, Brian Dennehy's wife. He belts her before she can explain, but J.R.'s business card lying on the floor is all the explanation he needs.

Meanwhile, in the car, Ray and J.R. ruminate a bit on their evening. "I wonder how them broads get that way sometimes," says Ray, and I want to throat punch the world. The radio squawks about a hurricane that's about to hit the Dallas area, so we can only hope the winds are strong enough to send these assholes up, up, and away like the beautiful-est of balloons.

Back at Southfork, Miss Ellie is laid up in bed, saying "no thanks" to some lunch brought up by Sue Ellen. I get excited at the prospect that the old bat might be dying, but no such luck...it's just a migraine. Still, it brings me great joy to see her suffer when the phone rings. This vendetta of mine will never go away! Not even her suggestion that it's time they all try to be nicer to Pam can un-harden my heart.

gonna blow this up poster-size and hang it on my wall

At Ewing Oil HQ, Jock and Bobby make plans to go to lunch with Punk Anderson. Punk. Punk. Punk. PUNK. P-U-N-K. Following up a scene of a massively headachy Miss Ellie with a name like that? Okay, it seems this episode is really working to get back in my good graces!

Oh wait, never mind. Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy are en route to Southfork, talking about how they're gonna do to J.R.'s woman what J.R. did to his. A hurricane and rape? Dear me, how much adversity must the Ewings bear today?

J.R. and Ray arrive home and head out to round up cattle and batten down hatches, but not before Sue Ellen totally starts nagging her husband about where he was last night and why didn't he call last night this and why didn't he call this morning that. He answers not a single question, not a one...and boy, won't he be sorry and more appreciative of his wife after she gets raped. I swear, violence against women is always the best tool a writer can use to give a male character growth!

There's a knock at the door, and...dun dun dunnnnnn...it's Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy, claiming their truck broke down and can they please use the phone? Sue Ellen of course invites them in and turns her manners up to 11, while Lucy starts making those googly eyes she's so fond of...

...but the camera zooms in on Pam's "not the one" face. This lets us know that she is not, in fact, the one, and also that she does not trust these fellows one bit.

exhibit a: not the one

Bobby calls the house, but J.R. tells him everything is under control and that he should stay in Dallas. But listen, if J.R. is talking about the cattle, well, they are not under control at all. And so, J.R., Ray, Lucy, Brian Dennehy, and Not Brian Dennehy head out in trucks and on horses to wrangle stuff and it is the height of excitement! not really that exciting. Why are the bad guys helping? To lull the Ewings into a false sense of security or something maybe? I dunno, it seems strange to me to put in this much effort...I mean, will they still have enough energy to rape everyone if they spend all this time a-wranglin'? Geez.

Oh yeah, Ray falls off a horse and hurts his leg. That's So Ray, amirite?

i spent way too long on this shitty joke, you have no idea

Undoubtedly, the best part of all the RANCH ACTION is when you see that Lucy is dressed as The Littlest Cowgirl.

Once back inside, the bad guys make their move, whipping out their guns and telling everyone to sit down. J.R. immediately offers them money, but Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy ain't no criminals, you see. They don't want money, they want justice...for what, you ask? Well, back at that seedy motel, Wanda cooked up a story about being kidnapped and raped so, like, her husband wouldn't beat her to death. "Justice" apparently means raping and kidnapping in kind! If only the bad guys would remember Ghandi's words: a rape for a rape leaves the whole world wanting to eject this DVD and hurl it directly into the sun.

The phone rings and Brian Dennehy hauls Pam over to answer it and, you know, get whomever's calling off the phone without giving anything away. Pam straight up rolls her eyes at this, and folks, if you didn't know it already, then surely you know it now: Pam is the best. The best out of a bunch of terrible people, sure, but the best nonetheless.

this made my LIFE

It's Bobby calling, and Pam still manages to tip him off that everything is not okay even though she says that everything is totally okay by mentioning that she intends to spend the afternoon playing backgammon with J.R. Why, everyone knows that Pam and J.R. hate each other! Everyone also knows that Pam doesn't even know how to play backgammon! A tricksy one, our Pam.

Despite Jock telling him he's "acting like an old lady", Bobby is worried and decides to head home. Lunch with Punk will just have to wait.

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen suffers the first of many rounds of humiliation when Not Brian Dennehy grabs and kisses her. This spurs Ray and J.R. into action, by which I mean they stand up. After a few quick karate chops from Brian Dennehy, though, they're back down again. All this noise has brought Miss Ellie downstairs, and she's positively aghast at what's going on. I bet all this yelling and chopping and sexual assault is not at all helping her migraine!


Bobby and Jock are held up by a traffic accident, but WHO CARES, the important thing is that the bad guys found a picture of Sue Ellen from that time she won Miss Texas.

another picture to blow up poster-size, obviously

Brian Dennehy decides to take Sue Ellen upstairs so she can find that sash to wear during The Rape-ening. Not Brian Dennehy sets about choosing who he's gonna rape since he's not here for justice, he's here for a "good time". He homes in on Lucy- after all, she was making those googly eyes at him, and why would she do that if she didn't want to be raped? In her fear and desperation, Lucy sells out Pam, basically saying "She used to go out with Ray, so rape her, not me!" But no one wants to assault a lady with blue collar roots, oh my, no. They want a fancy lady for justice and a good time...a real Ewing.

Sigh. Don't worry, it gets worse!

Sue Ellen and Brian Dennehy return, and then...well, and then this happens:

It's just like Funny Girl, but sprinkled with tears of fear and humiliation, hooray! Ugh, this scene. UGH THIS EPISODE. It's horribly gross and made all the grosser by the fact that the oddness and ridiculousness of it make me laugh. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Pam, ever our heroette, defuses the situation by telling Brian Dennehy that Not Brian Dennehy said that Wanda made everything up. Well, she did sleep with J.R. but there was no kidnappery nor rapery. If that's true, then sure- Brian Dennehy can't rape Sue Ellen in good conscience, it simply wouldn't be right. "Maybe your justice should come from your wife, not J.R.'s!" chimes in Miss Ellie, and...what is she suggesting here, exactly? Can she not be the worst for just one minute?

Not Brian Dennehy reminds everyone that he's not here for justice and starts to haul Lucy off to her fate when Jock and Bobby storm in, fists a-flyin', day a-savin'. They get a hold of the guns and Jock tells someone to call the sheriff "before I blast these two slobs" and that might just be my favorite thing that anyone has ever said. Ever. Evvvaaarrrrrrr.

Before anyone picks up the phone, however, stupid jerk Miss Ellie says that the bad guys must be let go, that the law cannot be involved. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Like the Ewings couldn't afford the best lawyers in Texas to represent them in a case against these kidnapping would-be rapist slobs? The bad guys walk out the door, but not before Brian Dennehy suggests that Wanda is really gonna get it when he gets home.


After this event-filled afternoon, Jock and Miss Ellie shuffle Lucy off to bed, Bobby and Pam go to their room to talk and hug it out, and Sue Ellen gives J.R. dirty looks while he stares at her. Then she gives Ray some dirty looks and walks out as an instrumental version of "People" plays and I just feel...I feel...

For serious, fuck this episode. I realize that it's very much a product of its time and no one actually got assaulted- wait, yes they did...nearly all the women were manhandled and groped and kissed against their will. No one was raped, but who the hell cares? This is one episode of Dallas that ought to be tossed right out with the trash.

Well, except for Miss Ellie's migraine suffering, that was great. And Pam's eyeroll. And the Miss Texas picture. And Jock talking about blastin' slobs. But the rest of the episode gets a nice, big go fuck yourself!

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