Ha! Episode title, please. Are we expected to believe that anyone on this show would be torn when choosing between love and money? At best, the Ewings might conflate the two--is Ellie putting Southfork above all else an act of love? Or is it more she's accustomed to the moneyed lifestyle and is actually putting that above all else? And Pam, who grew up poor, might choose love...but is it really love if her husband or brother ultimately chooses money? I wonder if any college philosophy curriculums include this episode. Maybe I should start my own college to be sure.
It's just another leisurely morning at Southfork. As always the outfits are on point and orange juice is poured liberally. Sue Ellen's mother phones ("Mother?!" you exclaim. "She has a mother? And here I thought she was born from the skull of Jack Daniels!") and we're told that not only is La Mère back in Dallas, she and Sue Ellen met up the night before. It's all pleasant until La Mère begins angling for an invite to Southfork for herself and Sue Ellen's little sister Kristin in the hopes that Kristin will also meet "the right man." We can tell by the way Sue Ellen blankly stares into the distance and hems and haws that she's not into the idea. We can also tell because she plainly says she's not into the idea, that the time is not right. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin...oh, her time will come! It won't be long before she is, in fact, motorin', if you know what I mean. I think you do! (Sex.)
I love a photo cube!
I love a mustard phone!
Cliff is at The Store getting fitted for a new suit. According to him, the underdog look is no longer a fashion trend--this season is all about the winner look, baby. Pam, flawless as usual, reminds him that the election is still two years away, which reminds me that now, (math) years later, America miserably exists in the throes of a perpetual election cycle. I wonder if any college political science curriculums include this episode. I really need to start that college!
It's now round 'bout noontime and Sue Ellen is hanging with The Bitches Who Lunch at a fancy hotel restaurant. They're all complimenting her on her incredible stamina, what with driving all the way to Fort Worth whilst pregnant. Sue Ellen eats up the compliments as she joyfully twirls the oversized novelty olives in her martini. If these ladies thought her driving a whole half an hour to meet them was amazing, just wait until she does it again--pregnant and buzzed--for her return trip to Dallas. Our Sue Ellen is truly a profile in courage!
Sue Ellen is also boasting (aka lying) about how great her life is. J.R. is excited about the baby! They've never been more in love! He loves his job and he's in Austin right now doing his job! It's all perfect! As expected, this all blows up in Sue Ellen's face minutes later when the gaggle is leaving the hotel just as J.R. is checking in with some young lass. "Didn't Sue Ellen say J.R. was in Austin? I swear that was him," one of them says while the Alpha Queen in Purple smirks and floofs her hair. Floofs her hair! These bitches are ruthless! I love it.
Meanwhile, round 'bout noontime elsewhere, Cliff is meeting with some very powerful businessmen. You can tell they're powerful because they are doing business near a conference table that is stocked with padfolios and pens...but not just any padfolios and pens. The padfolios are leather--leather, reader--and the pens are housed in pen holders.
powerful business accessories
I am not a businesswoman, powerful or otherwise, but every time I see a padfolio I so wish I were. I dream of owning a padfolio, but of course I dream humbly. A leatherette padfolio seems more my speed. Maybe one with a calculator inside for the easy calculating of business figures. I suppose I could get myself one even for my life as a not-businesswoman, but is it worth it if I am not attending meetings wherein I can show it off? If a padfolio is brandished at a conference table in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even exist? Hmm, perhaps this is a question best left for the philosophy students at my college.
Anyway, the businessmen are willing to guarantee Cliff a position as the head of the Bureau of Land Management, provided he declares eminent domain to rid South Dallas of "low cost, low class" houses in order to make way for Business Interests. Cliff tells 'em to shove it. He ain't gonna sell out, not for a lofty position, not for no money no how!
That night, Sue Ellen is working on a glass of booze when J.R. finally shows up at home. Words are had! Words like "tramp," which J.R. objects to--the woman Sue Ellen spotted him with wasn't a tramp at all; rather, she was a nice young lady. Sue Ellen tries to give him an ultimatum: if he doesn't stop with the philanderin', she's gonna leave and take the baby that might be his with her! J.R. immediately capitulates, promising to love and honor and cherish Sue Elle--HAHA psych! J.R. doesn't take kindly to ultimatums, of course, and he knows he holds all the cards even if Sue Ellen holds all the babies (in her uterus). She sure enjoys the money and the lifestyle being his wife affords her, and he knows she ain't goin' nowhere. In the long run, at least.
In the short run, she's heading to Cliff's.
Over a glass of yes even more booze (that poor baby), she and Cliff discuss their relationship, or lack thereof. Cliff says it's over, Sue Ellen says but what about this maybe-baby? (I mean that maybe the baby is Cliff's, not that it's maybe a baby or maybe not a baby. I'm pretty sure that it's really a baby in there.) Then she turns off the lights and tells him that while she might not need him tomorrow, she needs him tonight. She really needs him. FOR SEX.
The next morning, we're treated to yet another Southfork breakfast scene, but this one is sans Sue Ellen. It's remarked upon ("She must have got up early and left!") but J.R. doesn't seem to mind, telling everyone he doesn't pay much attention to whatever she's got going on. Miss Ellie comments that Sue Ellen should bring her mother and her sister to Southfork, Jock volunteers Lucy to be Kristin's friend, and then Jock and Miss Ellie are off to a doctor's appointment. So exciting! It must have been Sweeps Week when this originally aired.
J.R. stops by to see Sue Ellen's mother, and for a minute I don't hear any dialogue because I am completely overtaken by the sight of a huge barometer on the wall.
My gramma also had a huge barometer on the wall next to her front door--well, a barometer-thermometer combo, to be exact, all wood and brass and glass (aka all plastic). I don't think anyone knew how to read the barometer part, or how it worked or what it was meant to signify. Whenever my gramma walked us to the door as we left, she would peep at it and flick the glass (plastic) a few times for some arcane purpose. Hmm, maybe she knew how to read it and how it worked and what it was meant to signify but never shared its secrets. I will never know.
But enough about gramma aesthetics (even though I can never get enough gramma aesthetics, honestly)! Kristin descends the stairs in a powder blue terrycloth shorts-n-tank top combo and you can practically hear the boi-oi-oinnng of J.R.'s boner through the screen. She begins to eat a pear in a flirty fashion, and she, her mother, and J.R. all agree that she won't have any problems landing a husband as good as Sue Ellen's. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin won't have any problems landing Sue Ellen's actual husband. And yes, Colleen Camp was the original Kristin Shepherd!
Still Life: Colleen Camp + Pear
Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen has packed her bags and is ready to split when she's stopped by Bobby, who wants to know what's up. "You really care?" Sue Ellen asks, since Bobby has never showed her much interest in the seven years they've lived under the same roof and good lord I know we've talked about it--in the last post, even--but these adults all live together and have lived together for years and I don't understand how they're not all murderously insane! I don't even want to live with myself, never mind my entire family.
When J.R. returns, Bobby tells him that Sue Ellen has left him. J.R. puts in a call to a private investigator and orders a tail on her. Who is she seeing? Who is she talking to?
The answer, it turns out, is her mother and sister. Sue Ellen is worried that her mother is grooming Kristin the way she herself was groomed: that marrying a wealthy man is the most important thing they can do as women. It's all very House of Hilton! But mama never taught Sue Ellen "how to live without a man in her bed, or what to do when her man is off with a floozy somewhere." Both mama and Kristin counter that Sue Ellen's priorities are wrong and "exclusive rights" aren't essential if that man has money.
Jock storms into the Ewing Oil Headquarters like he owns the place (oh wait, he does) and starts yelling at J.R. about The Whole Sue Ellen Thing. They've had seven years to have problems, but they chose to have problems now? Now, when Jock's grandchild is on the way? When Miss Ellie is excited over this same grandchild? Won't someone think of JOCK AND MISS ELLIE? "We want her back at Southfork," Jock says with finality, and I can't decide what I hate more: Jock himself, or the fact that he continues to have such great hair.
jerk
Sue Ellen has returned to Cliff's apartment, but this time the lights stay on. She tells him she's leaving her husband, to which Cliff responds "Okay." This is not the fireworks reception Sue Ellen was expecting! But Cliff is being a pragmatist--will J.R. really let Sue Ellen go? Can she accept a Cliff-flavored life that doesn't have all the Ewing trappings she's used to? Sue Ellen says she will try, and we immediately know they are both doomed. Doomed and clad in brown. Not Earth tones--just brown. There is so much brown everywhere! It's in the decor, it's in the clothes...of all the colors in the spectrum, I can't believe brown was such a huge trend for so long. It's the one misstep of the 1970s. THE ONLY ONE. Although before long we'll be in the pastel 80s, and I'll probably pine for the 70s brown. OR WILL I? I guess we'll all find out. How thrilling!
This was a "tender" moment in action but this still makes it look like a murder moment
J.R.'s private eye reports in: Sue Ellen has been coming and going (and coming...wink wink) from Cliff Barnes's place. J.R. is actually surprised that his wife would be so devious as to canoodle with his greatest enemy. The camera dramatically zooms in on J.R.s face. "I suppose it's time we do somethin' about old Cliff Barnes," he says as the sinister music swells.
I know, you've been biting your nails since paragraph three, wondering about Cliff's made-to-order suit. Well, bite your nails no longer, reader (unless you're into biting your nails, in which case I would still suggest you no longer do that, but ultimately the choice is yours), for a Pam is here, suit in hand, resplendent even in brown pants. She spots-n-sniffs a scarf and knows immediately that Sue Ellen has been there. If Pam ever gets tired of working at The Store, mayhaps she should consider a career as a private eye. Oh my goodness, imagine a spin-off where Pam solves mysteries and crimes and looks fabulous while doing it...wait, she could team up with Sue Ellen in Ewing Mysteries! I could be blogging about that show right now! But I'm not. And in this lesser (but still great) reality where I only have Dallas, Pam is unleashing some righteous fury (the only fury she can unleash, natch) on her brother. If J.R. finds out about this affair he will ruin Cliff--and Pam won't blame him one bit. Cliff kicks her out, and Sue Ellen emerges from another room, having overheard the whole argument. They look at one another, their gazes inscrutable.
Our Pam, always not the one
Back at Southfork, Pam indulges in some booze, which prompts Bobby to remind her yet again that she can always quit her job. What a jerk! Does he want her to quit The Store so she can realize her destiny and become a private eye? No! He wants her to quit and be a stay-at-home Ewing Lady. The worst. Pam is cryptically lamenting that it's not only the Ewings who will sink to any depth to get what they want. "Barnes? Ewing? What's the difference?" she asks.
"Outside of a couple million dollars, not a whole lot. Except there are more of us. Including you," Bobby replies. The worster.
Pam thinks he's great, though, and the two head off into the city for a date night.
Those padfolio businessmen have sent Cliff a bunch of styrofoam cubes and cylinders, which are meant to represent their vision for a new South Dallas. Cliff is unimpressed and still holding strong to his values. But then J.R. waltzes into Cliff's office and calls him a "cheap little man" having a "cheap little romance" with his wife while harboring "little dreams." They fight over the baby, each telling the other to back off. But J.R. delivers the coup de grâce: Ewing power and money will wash away any embarrassment if the baby isn't his, whereas Cliff will never amount to anything and the scandal would ruin him. And isn't that what he wants? Power? Cliff angrily swats those styrofoam cubes and cylinders right off the table, and I fear that his values will not hold, captain!
J.R. then catches up with his wayward wife at her mother's house and wins back her heart with sweet talk and a promise--HAHA psych! He warns her that if she doesn't come back to Southfork, he'll get a couple of boys to bring her to a hospital where she'll be forced to have an abortion, and then he'll reward her with a messy divorce that will leave her friendless and penniless. He delivers the poop cherry on this shit sundae (sorry) by telling her that Cliff won't take her, anyway.
Sue Ellen meets with her paramour and sadly he confirms it: "You can't fight City Hall," Cliff says, ever the poet. He loves Sue Ellen "in his own way" (whatever that means) but he can't have her and the things he wants in life. What a weasel! What a...a...small man! Sue Ellen likens it all to a game--"Is that what I am? Just the marbles?"--and it's a terrible metaphor (Have children played with marbles since the 30s or whenever? Then again, has Sue Ellen ever actually played a game? Does she know what a game is?), but she's upset so let's forgive her.
Just the marbles
J.R. is waiting for her in the parking lot with Sue Ellen's bags packed and in his backseat. Defeated but silently fuming, she climbs in. They'll make it back to Southfork in time for a nice family dinner, but afterwards J.R. has business to attend to. By "business" he means "sex business" and Sue Ellen needn't wait up. He is relentlessly cruel and stone cold! I've never loved to hate anyone more.
Back in his office, Cliff picks up the styrofoam cubes and cylinders from the floor. He makes a call...he takes a job. The "low cost, low class" houses will soon be gone to make way for Padfolio Business Park. Cliff's willing to give the businessmen whatever they want, so long as they help him accrue massive amounts of power. "How's that for playing the game?" Cliff says to no one.
But he should know that in the game of marbles, nobody wins.
I guess? I have no idea how the game of marbles actually works. I'm not that old, geez.
No comments:
Post a Comment