Wherein every episode of DALLAS is recapped and reviewed in chronological order. Updates Fridays.

Friday, May 16, 2014


Yes! "Runaway"! Finally someone gets a clue and runs away from the GD insane Ewing clan. But who is it? But why is it? Hey, relax- all will be revealed, I swear.

It's a lovely morning at Southfork and everyone is planning Lucy's birthday party except Lucy: Miss Ellie is hard at work on the guest list, while Sue Ellen tries to decide on a band. When Lucy suggests they maybe hire a band that she enjoys- like The Coffins!- Sue Ellen shuts it down with a quick "Lucy, no one can stand that music." Pam has even picked out some dresses for the birthday girl from The Store, but at least she cops to Lucy being able to pick out a new one if she doesn't like any of Pam's selections. J.R. intends to use the party as an opportunity to engage in business and political shenanigans.

This party is the bullshit that broke the camel's back, and Lucy has had enough! "I hate this family!" she cries, but no one seems to care. "She'll get over it," Miss Ellie says, ever oblivious to her own awfulness.

Pam goes to talk to Lucy, who has a full-blown hissy fit. I was going to upload video of it, but somehow the stills of her "this place sucks" mental breakdown are much more satisfying.

After this conversation, Bobby and Pam- ever the cool aunt and uncle- speak up, suggesting that hey, maybe Lucy should have some say in her own friggin' birthday party. Miss Ellie agrees and decides that she'll actually invite some of Lucy's friends, and maybe Lucy can even pick out the band. Still, Sue Ellen is having none of that: "Certainly not The Coffins!"

Meanwhile, Lucy reads a letter that arrived addressed to her. It's from her mom, Valene, who finally tells her daughter that she didn't really demand money from J.R.- he ran her out of town yet again. Someone on staff must have said "Hey, what about that Ray guy?" because he shows up after being M.I.A. for a while: Lucy tells him she wants to invite Valene to her birthday party. Ray says it's not a good idea, then disappears for the rest of the episode.

At dinner, Lucy decides to ask Jock anyway, saying it's the only thing she wants for her birthday. J.R. immediately votes a big HELL NO, whilst Bobby votes a big WHY NOT. Jock sides with J.R., saying that after the way she left last time, Valene is no longer welcome at Southfork. When Lucy says that J.R. lied about all that, Jock sends her to her room. When asked if he really did lie, J.R. says no and blames Lucy's outburst on her "female emotions", which is so great I can barely handle it. Thank goodness she's not on her period, who knows what she would have done.

All of this plays out accompanied by a series of REACTION SHOTS, which are totally my favorite thing on this show. Well, some of my favorite things, anyway. I have a lot of favorite things on Dallas.

Pam, as always, is not the one

If you haven't figured it out by now, yes, it's Lucy who quits this asshole family. Later that night she sneaks out with only her shoulder bag and her guitar (uh, she plays guitar now? I guess?) and steals J.R.'s car. Yeah, the Mercedes with the "EWING 3" license plate. This can only end well!

J.R. figures it all out first thing the next morning, that Lucy has gone to see her "tramp mother", and he calls the cops.

Lucy ends up at a diner and while she...uh, dines...a van pulls up, and here's what you need to know about it. It's driven by Greg Evigan, the sides are painted with what looks like a sunburst and fish scales, the walls and ceiling are covered in shag carpet, there's a gun hidden in the glove compartment, and the dashboard is covered in Wampa fur.

In other words, it's so amazing.

Lucy and Greg Evigan make eyes at each other, but only for a second; she spots the cops outside, sniffing around J.R.'s car so she splits out the backdoor, her guitar and J.R.'s gas card now her only possessions. She hitchhikes, Greg Evigan picks her up, and MY GOD I wish this is how BJ and the Bear began and that Charlene Tilton was The Bear.

Back at Southfork, they get word that cops have found the car and Lucy's bag. There were no signs of foul play, which is a relief. Everyone is still worried because Lucy might indeed escape the Ewings' clutches this time and- horror of horrors- end up with her mother, so Bobby decides to go after her.

Lucy has asked Greg Evigan to take her to San Antonio, Valene's last known whereabouts. They check her apartment, only to find she's moved. They go to the restaurant where she waitressed, only to find she's quit. Hmm, it's like she's off living her life somewhere or something.

While Lucy chats with the restaurant owner, Greg Evigan decides to bust open the register and steal all the monies. Lucy and the restaurant owner are both totally shocked.

Outside, Lucy is all "Okay, I wasn't aware that you're a crazy criminal, I should go!" but Greg Evigan is all "SHUT YOUR FACE!" and makes her go along with him.

That night, as Greg Evigan catches some zzzs, Lucy tries to sneak away to no avail. You see, Lucy told him that her last name is "Clements" and that she stole J.R.'s car and gas card. While that last part may not technically be a lie, the telling has given Greg Evigan the wrong idea, which is that they're a real Bonnie and Clyde kinda duo. Oops.

The Littlest Bonnie

The next day, everyone at Southfork decides "Fuck it!" and has Lucy's birthday party even though she's not there.

certainly not The Coffins

Jock has a feeling and tells Miss Ellie that he feels responsible for Lucy running away, that he may have been wrong to say that Valene couldn't come to the party. Instead of nudging her husband towards continued change, Miss Ellie tells him that he "said what he had to say" and none of it matters because Bobby will have Lucy back any minute.

still life: sociopath and asshole

Lucy's in trouble, sure, but not to worry- Encyclopedia Bobby is on the case! He tracked her to the restaurant, tracked her to a gas station, and found out that she's on her way to Austin, which is for sure Valene's real last known whereabouts. He calls a Ewing contact at the Austin PD which is a good idea considering that Lucy's basically been kidnapped by a wackadoo who's already committed armed robbery a few times this weekend.

Crime's hottest new couple have already made it to Austin, and this sign causes a big metaphorical lightbulb to go off over Greg Evigan's head:

DON'T GET EXCITED: despite the fact that everything about that sign- from "The Overcomer Club" to "Amateur Day"- undoubtedly has you thinking "strip club", it's just a bar. And by "talent" they mean, like, talent show talent, so Greg Evigan has decided that Lucy will haul her guitar up on stage and win them a hundred bucks.

"I can't sing," she protests, to which he simply responds, "Yes you can." Well, alright then.

He tells her not to be nervous, since he's "gonna be right up front, watching every step you make," which you'd think would make her, you know, even more nervous. They head inside, and we see that Greg Evigan foolishly parked in a no parking zone. A cop starts writing him a parking ticket and wow, this is so Son of Sam, you guys!

(Meanwhile, back at Southfork, the party winds down and Pam spends a tender moment with Lucy's birthday cake.)

The moment we've been waiting for all our lives is here: Lucy sings. You may notice that she doesn't play guitar, that Greg Evigan does not sit right up front, that the clapping is off rhythm, the lip-synching is off track, and everything is so perfect. And whoever's actually singing, sounding like ground up glass washed down with whiskey...I swear it's like Charlene Tilton of the future went back in time and sang this for Charlene Tilton of the past. Or something. It's Lucyception!

Lucy doesn't have time to bask in that standing ovation, however, because Greg Evigan grabs her and they skedaddle out the back door...where the cops and Bobby are waiting. There are like twenty guns pointed at him, but when told to freeze Greg Evigan is so badass that he yells "You freeze, turkeys!" and then there's a totally intense standoff.

Bobby offers up himself and all the money in his wallet in exchange for Lucy's freedom. Greg Evigan decides it's a good deal, and Bobby slowly walks forward until all hell breaks loose: Pam grabs Greg Evigan's ear, and Bobby punches him out. The cops slap the cuffs on him- crime doesn't pay!- and a reunited uncle and niece share a hug.

and then they saved 15% on a nice ficus

Back at Southfork, everyone is relieved that Lucy is okay and Jock says he'll have his birthday dance with her tomorrow, when she's back home. Puke.

As with pretty much every episode of Dallas, the great thing is that everything learned will be forgotten by next week. Miss Ellie and Jock will continue to smother everyone. Lucy will stop trying to see her mother, while no one will take J.R. to task for running said mother out of town. There will be no criminal trial for Greg Evigan, and Lucy will not receive any decent emotional support for everything she went through. If we're lucky, though, maybe someday she'll sing for us again!

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