Wherein every episode of DALLAS is recapped and reviewed in chronological order. Updates Fridays.

Friday, May 9, 2014


Now, now,  don't go getting all excited by that episode title. Ain't no weddings taking place today, never mind two of 'em. In fact, "Double Wedding" is about three minutes' worth of plot dragged out over 48 minutes, so I'm gonna do things a bit differently this week. This is like a Dallas speed round because to go beat by beat through this episode would drown us in boredom...trust me. I mean, look at this shit, this episode should be called "People Looking at Pieces of Paper":

Okay, so you actually might want to know what happens in this episode, right? "What are all those papers!" you cry, unable to bear the suspense. Well here you go:

This guy shows up in Dallas one day and claims to be Pam's husband. She's all WHAT, NO and he's all WHAT, YES. They got married when Pam was in Mexico on a cheerleading trip (hot!) when she was like 16 or 17, but Digger had it annulled like five seconds after he and Pam got back to Dallas. The guy didn't know because he was in 'Nam (!), in a P.O.W. camp for years (!!) and then spent years in the hospital for "nerves and strain" (!!!) upon his return. Now he's back after a communication-less ten years and he wants Pam. Seems reasonable!

There are a lot of "where are those dang annulment papers?" scenes which, as you can imagine, cause much stress for everyone. Well, stress for Pam and Bobby anyway. J.R. learns of everything (OF COURSE) and sees it as an opportunity to get rid of that Barnes woman for good. Pam's first husband- I'll call him "Ed Haines" because that's the character's name- finds out about the J.R./Bobby tension and decides to use the potential scandal to get some blackmail money. Bobby's first project as a constructioneer (new word) is jeopardized because it's for a church group and this particular church is not into bigamy.

Oh! Then in a scene eerily reminiscent of the final sequence in Lucio Fulci's classic Italian horror film Zombie (aka Zombi 2 (don't ask),1979), a roving pack of the undead ambles towards the city. This, of course, is how the Dallas spinoff Zoms Landing came about.

Anyway, yeah, the annulment paper search takes pretty much the entire episode (Ed Haines stole copies and paid off town clerks, you see), and then it all wraps up in two seconds after Pam decides to call Haines's bluff. He splits town, the end.

For all its meh-ness, "Double Wedding" manages to haul out more than a few of my Dallas favorites, both recurring and brand new. For example: "Some slob is trying to run a scam!" - Bobby

Gawd, I wish someone would use the word "slob" in every single episode.

Then there's this nosy eavesdroppin' woman in the bar:

She doesn't say a word, opting instead to pretty much just stare at the camera. She is my past, my present, and my future.

Bobby threatens violence...several times!

Sue Ellen lovingly cradles booze in several scenes and throws shade nearly as often. Just look at the perfection of this boozed up sass face!

Bobby's "had enough" counter face is the best

Pam is at the height of her white hotness in this episode, looking super gorgeous and serving up perfect hair. I know it won't last much longer (the early 80s were so unkind to hairstyles), so we need to give her props while we still can.

Pam can still get it

Cliff shows up at Southfork to see Pam and Bobby, and he and Sue Ellen make eyes at each other and flirt so hard my pants caught on fire.

And that's pretty much it. I know. It's not much. And while it wasn't completely boring to watch, necessarily, it's pretty boring in the telling. But next week...next week's episode ("Runaway") is delicious. See you then, slobs!

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