2.4 - BYPASS

Original airdate: October 14, 1978

Hey now reader, don't bypass this episode. Battles are battled, you see, and I wouldn't want you to miss a moment of Bobby vs J.R., Pam vs Sue Ellen, Pam vs boredom, or Jock vs Jock's heart. Yes indeed, episode 2.4 is full of things that happen!

We begin with a good look at the disparate lives led by Southfork men and Southfork women. The men are active and they get dirty and have rugged ranch fun:

The ladies, however, are relegated to lunching and sitting in on committee meetings.

kill me now

The highlight of this meeting comes courtesy of Sue Ellen, who delivers one of the most subversive lines in Dallas history, written by someone taking a sly potshot at these rich asshole Ewings.

We have to think of a theme for our dance that will show our concern for the underprivileged...but, uh, something not too depressing.

Bravo, writer. Bra. Vo.

The meeting of The Awful Women Club is adjourned until the following day, and Pam decides to call Bobby to see if he's free for lunch. Sue Ellen tries to dissuade her, though, reminding her that men don't like it when their women call them at the office and ahhhhh geeeeeez I start to cry thinking about how different things might be for all of these people if someone left a copy of Ms. Magazine on a Southfork coffee table.

Turns out that Bobby doesn't mind when Pam calls, but he's unavailable for lunch because he's got a big meeting with Ewing Oil homies Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr.

"Jeb Ames" and "Willie Joe Garr."

Bravo, writer. Bra. Vo.

However, J.R. puts the kibosh on Bobby sitting in on the meeting and on Bobby's plans to develop some of the Ewing land holdings, and boy is Bobby mad! Look at that mad face!

The next morning, tensions run high around the ranch. Pam has decided to skip the second committee meeting before she dies from boredom, and Sue Ellen is glad of it. I mean, she tries to help Pam, but Pam just doesn't fit in. All this tells us is that although she's a Ewing now, Pam is still a rational human being.

Oh, and just to put your mind at ease, let me tell you that The Awful Women Club decided on "Pioneers" as the theme for their dance. And they've formed several committees to handle dance matters, including a punch committee. A committee for punch. I hope whomever's in charge of that ends up making some Jonestown punch and puts them all out of their miserable, pointless existences.

Whoa, this episode's got me all fired up! The gendered bullshit doesn't get any better when Pam tells Bobby of her lunch plans. She's eating with Liz, her ex-boss from "the store." Apparently they've had lunch together a lot recently, and Bobby's worried that Pam might want to work there again...and if that's what she wants, "we'll have to think about that." Better she should sit around all day, I guess, bored to death with a bunch of a-holes than do something she actually enjoys. Pam's face says it for me:

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

Bobby talks to Jock about the sitch at Ewing Oil, that J.R. basically cockblocks him at every turn and so he wants to explore opportunities for all that unused land, you know, maybe start a separate company for development and construction. As you might guess, Jock is not at all thrilled when a family member shows any signs of independence. Bobby needs to be a part of Ewing Oil, end of. Bobby's all "not end of!" though, and heads to Houston for a meeting anyway.

Jock immediately goes to have it out with J.R., who is nursing a wicked hangover after carousing with Jeb and Willie Joe until the wee hours.

trust me, you do not want to know what he put in that drink

Jock goes on and on about "the family bidness" as J.R. dodges and weaves, putting the blame for everything squarely on Bobby. And then...AND THEN...

hurk!

ack!

gak!

Jock has a heart attack! J.R. quickly calls an ambulance and off they go, Jock's fate hanging in the air like a Black Ice automobile freshener. That doesn't really make sense, but I've always wondered what Black Ice smells like.

Lucy sees the ambulance speed away and is terribly upset. She seeks solace in the arms of Ray...and lest you think she's actually worried about her grandfather, she cries "I don't wanna grow old!" and I'm reminded that this is the best show ever.

I LOVE IT

Apparently Jock ended up at some podunk hospital and needs to be transferred to a hospital that has more equipment than, like, leeches or something. Precious time has been lost! Will Jock survive?

I'd say it's worry and stress that drives everyone to start blaming each other for Jock's condition, but we all know that they would turn on each other in a hot second at the best of times. These assholes simply hate one another, and this time of strife only brings it out in spades. Bobby says that J.R. is at fault for taking Jock to the podunk hospital. J.R. says that Bobby is at fault for getting Jock all riled up. He also says that Pam is at fault for getting Bobby all riled up and urging him to quit Ewing Oil. Bobby says that J.R. is at fault because Jock with with him when he had the heart attack. I say they're all at fault for being terrible people!

"You're a jerk!"

"No, you are!"

Meanwhile, Jock "feels like a damn TV station" because of all the wires and contraptions hooked up to him, and it's such a weird thing to say that I almost end up liking him. Almost.

Pam worries that Bobby really does blame himself for the heart attack: he's been ranching more than usual (always a cause for alarm!) and he's stopped visiting his father in the hospital. They talk about it, they cry about it, everything is fine about it.

Everything is fine except that watch, WTF Bobby

Bobby finally goes to visit Jock again, and they talk a little bidness. Basically, it comes down to Jock wants Bobby at Ewing Oil, end of again, and I'm glad that I stopped myself from liking Jock earlier because he's a control freak weirdo jerk.

Then...this scene happens and I can't even describe how wonderful it is, you just need to watch it.




Where does one begin with that? I mean, the music! The saxophone! Sue Ellen's evil, conniving booze face in the wind! Pam's shitty fashion drawings! The snark! The "You have a disgusting mouth!"! THE EVERYTHING! And Miss Ellie just laughs it off. Southfork is full of sociopaths. I love it so much.

There's a scene in the barn where a mare gives birth (off-camera, bless) and it's supposed to be some kind of reminder about the circle of life and all that but who cares because Lucy's pants.

they have every button

Guys, Jock needs open heart surgery and it's a tough time for everyone. His potentially-dying wish to Miss Ellie is that she "keeps the family together," and so Dallas continues to morph into The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There is reminiscing and crying and hugging and OH GOD WHAT'S WITH THE CHILD AND THE CREEPY DAD STATUE IN THE BACKGROUND?

But really, surgery on a fella Jock's age is no joke. There's so much tension, is he going to be okay? If he pulls through the operation, what about the long recovery time and the rehab and the--oh never mind, Jock's fine, the end.

No, really. It all wraps up quite tidily! There are some plot threads a-danglin': Bobby hasn't decided whether or not he's staying at Ewing Oil, J.R.'s shady dealings may still come home to roost, Pam continues to wrestle with the ennui that imbues a lifestyle of the rich and famous, Lucy has yet to come to terms with her mortality, etc. But those are problems for another day, for the Ewing patriarch is Southfork bound.

Most WTF line of the episode is uttered by Miss Ellie (as usual) : "Jock gets peeved if I'm not around when he wakes up in the morning." I'm imagining her sitting by his side of the bed, unable to start her day lest Jock open his eyes and she's living her life somewhere not in the immediate vicinity. These people, I swear.

They're the best!

2.3 - OLD ACQUAINTANCE

Original airdate: October 7, 1978

Wow, y'all, Dallas heads into full-on soap opera territory this week with "Old Acquaintance." Lovers from the past, yelling, tears, marital strife, and the fuckery we've all come to expect are in ample supply!

The episode begins with Morgan goddamn Fairchild about to get her hump on with an older dude. Older Dude's wife barges in (the nerve) to let him know that he's been appointed the Something Something of the Department of Energy...so he needs to choose between Morgan Fairchild or Wife + Something Something. What the heck, Older Dude chooses the latter!

Now look, Older Dude--played by Peter Mark Richman--and I have crossed paths many times over the years thanks to his roles on Dynasty and Santa Barbara, not to mention that shitshow Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. Though he was as familiar to me as the bottom of my foot, I feel that the opening of "Old Acquaintance" left me in the vicinity of his too-tan, vaguely sweaty, hairy Older Dude chest for too long and I didn't like it. I am just saying.

now that I think about it, just how familiar am I with the bottom of my foot? could I really pick it out of a lineup?

The scandal we've just seen is already the talk of the town and comes up amongst the Ewings at breakfast. They know Older Dude, of course, and Morgan goddamn Fairchild Jenna Wade as well, and her name stirs a bit of a hubbub. Sue Ellen practically calls her a whore! Pam wants to know more about this mystery woman, but everyone clams up and runs off without spilling any more beans.

Older Dude calls J.R. and asks him to fix this Jenna situation, because apparently breaking things off with her isn't good enough for Mrs. Older Dude. J.R.'s usual M.O. might be to run Jenna out of town (did you know he did that to Lucy's mom Valene? Did you? DID YOU?), but not this time, for he sees an opportunity to get rid of two birds with one scheme. He calls Jenna and tells her that Bobby would just love to see her. The wheels, they are in motion!

Meanwhile, Pam asks Miss Ellie and Jock for the lowdown on Jenna. It seems that the Ewings and the Wades are old family friends, and everyone thought for sure that Bobby and Jenna would end up married...but that Jenna, she was just too wild.

Wild, indeed! Jenna meets Bobby downtown in her gold, t-top Firebird and everything in the world is perfect, just perfect.

Jenna and Bobby take a stroll and talk about times both old and new. During their time together, Jenna really got used to the high life, so she had to be...you know, "wild" to maintain that lifestyle once they broke up. Since she and her daughter Charlie now have nothing, Bobby promises to help her find an apartment and a job so that she can become more independent. Jenna goes in for a kiss--and not some quick oh thank you for helping me peck!--and Bobby doesn't pull away. I tells ya, them old acquaintances ain't nothin' but trouble.

Later, Pam arrives at Ewing Oil for a lunch date with Bobby just as his cab pulls away, taking him to sign a lease for Jenna's new pad. As his plan begins in earnest, J.R. delights in telling Pam all about Bobby and Jenna spending time together. Pam doesn't get too riled by J.R.'s obvious attempts at shit-stirring, and her sassy attitude pleases me greatly. The real highlight of this scene, however, is how proud J.R. is of this plant he's been growing since it was just an inch high. He really loves it, and I love that he loves it. So much.

a jerk and his plant: a love story

It's now dinnertime and there's still no sign of Bobby. Naturally, J.R. loves it and plays up the "Well, gosh, where could he be?" feigned innocent questions. Naturally, Pam is having none of it and gives a bitch face that is so good I want to 3D print a mask of it and wear it all the time, even if that's vaguely Ed Gein-ish of me.

I mean, come on now

While everyone sits awkwardly waiting for Bobby to show up, the phone rings. Lucy answers it and can barely hide her glee in announcing that it's Bobby calling. In fact, everyone is pretty bad at hiding how much they're shocked and/or fucking loving this shit.

Sue Ellen bitchily smirking into a glass of booze is one of my very favorite things

After a brief conversation, Pam hangs up and tells the family that they'd might as well eat dinner, for Bobby's been "delayed."

Delayed. Boy, I'll say! It turns out that he didn't get in until after midnight, when Pam was asleep. Pam has spent the morning swimming away her anger, and Bobby's attempts to defuse the situation seem to be working...until Jenna calls. Pam and her bosoms then try to stare away the anger.

It seems that Jenna once again needs Bobby's help, and Bobby does the right thing by suggesting that Pam come along to put her jealous mind at ease.

They meet Jenna at Charlie's school, where Jenna is supervising playtime for some reason. She really had no point in calling Bobby except to say "Older Dude's wife is still being a bitch," to which Bobby basically replies "Don't worry about it, I'll help if I can." To my mind, the real point of this scene is Pam giving Jenna a once-over that is probably supposed to convey "sizing up the competition" but totally reads more like "I'd hit that." For real, y'all, how much better would things be today if this moment led to a Dallas spinoff starring Pam and Jenna after they've run away together? There probably would be world peace by now if Lez Landing or whatever became a thing back in '82. Again, I am just saying.

Alas, alack, it is all relegated to the realm of fanfiction, which I am writing hope one of you is writing right now!

I mean, come on now

Older Dude and J.R. have lunch, and the former voices concerns about the latter's situation-handling methods. Older Dude is jealous because now Jenna's running around with that "young, good-looking stud" Bobby, and--HOLD THE PHONE, THE WAITRESSES AT THIS RESTAURANT DRESS LIKE FRENCH MAIDS.

WHAT.

Jock shows up to provide this week's "oh yeah, I really hate Jock" moment, wherein he wonders why Older Dude is so afraid of his own wife: "In my day, we handled our women a little bit different." I can't with this guy, I just can't. It pains me that such great hair is attached to such an absolute a-hole.

J.R. heads over to Jenna's to speed up things with Bobby, but Jenna sees right through it and knows J.R.'s just using her for his own means. But! J.R. reminds her that she holds all the cards, and all those cards are Charlie. Or something. GASP is Charlie Bobby's child?

It doesn't matter. What matters is that at some point, Jenna bought a large wooden egg.

Bobby, Jenna, and Charlie go on a picnic and Bobby wonders the same thing we do: is Charlie his? Jenna doesn't give him a straight answer.

This a-wonderin' has Bobby all perplexed. Should he stay with Pam? Should he go back to Jenna? These questions trouble him so much that he can't sleep. These questions trouble him so that he's driven to having two late-night beers!

Pam has the outlandish thought that she and Bobby should, you know, talk about this situation. She's super awesome and supportive about it, telling him that if Charlie is his kid, they'll do the right thing and be a part of her life. Then she goes in for a kiss and, unlike his kiss with Jenna earlier, he doesn't kiss back! Rude! He tells Pam "we'll work it out" and she goes back to bed. Bobby hangs out with Charlie's doll, and it's supposed to be all poignant but actually it comes off as some "show me on the doll where the man touched you" shit.

In amongst all of this, we get another shot of Pam-n-Bobby's hideous bedroom and for fuck's sake, how many lamps do they need?

The next day, Pam has lunch with her brother Cliff. Bobby was supposed to show--she'd really like her husband and her brother to get along, you see--but he's nowhere to be found. His secretary said she hadn't seen him all day, in fact. Cliff tells Pam that he's decided to run for State Senate and even though the Ewings will do everything to oppose him, he'd like her support. She heartily agrees, and Cliff leaves. But who does he run into? You'll never guess!

Cliff throws massive shade and tells Bobby that he's becoming more and more like J.R. every day. It's delightful.

Back at Southfork, Pam is horseback riding her anger away when Bobby drives up. They have some words, to put it mildly! Pam thinks it's, you know, not cool that all week he's spent every waking moment with his ex, and he's stood her up several times and hasn't called to let her know where he is. Bobby thinks she's all "twisted up with jealousy" and when Pam gives an "it's her or me" ultimatum, Bobby says "Fine!" and peels out of there. Pam is left all alone to be sad with her horse, and while I do not want to make light of her trauma, this was all I could think of.

You're probably thinking, "Say, isn't it time for Miss Ellie to butt her nose in?" and you're totally right, it is! Pam tells her that she's worried about losing Bobby because she can't compete with Charlie the Trump Card, and Miss Ellie tells her this heartwarming tale:

I knew a woman once...her man couldn't decide whether or not to do right by her, so she took a horse whip to him. Helped him make up his mind fast.

If that's not absolutely psychotic enough for you, she reveals that she's talking about herself and Jock. She wanted Jock so much that she horse-whipped him into submission.

WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK.

Dallas is a goddamn horror movie, you guys

Pam laughs away the images of horrendous violence and gets all fired up by this "fight for your man" speech. She decides to, you know, go fight for her man.

At Jenna's, Bobby still can't get a straight answer regarding Charlie. All I care about is that the large wooden egg--or is it a second large wooden egg?--photobombs the conversation.

Pam shows up and she and Jenna hash it out: unfortunately, they both want Bobby and not each other.

NOW KISS

When pressed, Jenna finally reveals that Bobby is not the father, whereupon Bobby gets sad and leaves. It's all terribly sedate and not Maury Povich-like whatsoever. Oh well. Jenna tells Pam that this is totally goodbye; Bobby has left her the lease to the apartment and a check for a year's worth of rent.

Outside, Bobby and Pam make up, by which I mean Pam takes all the blame that Bobby lays down on her and she apologizes for it: she acted crazy, and Bobby did absolutely nothing wrong. They kiss and I guess everything is fine? I hoped Pam would have a "wait, what?" moment, leave the Ewing bullshit behind forever, and march back into Jenna's apartment for a new romance and a spin-off, but instead the credits on this episode rolled. Lez Landing, we hardly knew ye!

2.2 - REUNION part two

Original airdate: September 30, 1978

After the explosive (read: not at all explosive) events of last week's "Reunion: Part One," it's only natural to expect even more action-packed action in "Part Two." It's a sad fact of life, though, that expectations are made to be broken! I'll tell you right up front so you can begin the grieving process: there's no Hot Biscuit in this episode. In fact, there's very little here in the way of excitement unless you think side-eyes and pensive looks are exciting...which I totally do.

The episode begins in some sort of weird Hospital for Drunks. Pam has arrived to see how Digger's doing, but her Aunt Maggie tries to dissuade her: "Digger's not a pretty sight." That ain't gonna stop Pam! She heads in anyway and discovers that Maggie done spoke the truth; Digger's all sweaty and shaky. Not a pretty sight at all.

Enough of one poor man's health and addiction problems! Let's head over to Southfork, where Gary and Lucy have dragged poor Valene. She's still nervous about getting involved with the Ewings again after all these years. She's still sure that the peaceful beauty of the ranch hides a nest of snakes living inside. She's still unconvinced that J.R. and Jock have truly changed. She's still a lot of things, apparently.

The Saga of Val and Gary is rehashed yet again. Okay, we get it, Dallas, we know what happened. For fuck's sake, tell another story already!

did you guys know that Gary ran off and then Val tried to take baby Lucy away but J.R. tracked her down and some good ol' boys took baby Lucy and told Val never to come back to Texas? no? well wait thirty seconds, they'll tell the story AGAIN

Dramatic music plays as the three pull up to the house, and I found myself honestly surprised (and terribly disappointed) that it wasn't a dramatic reinterpretation of the show's theme. Oh well, I'm sure that jaunty theme will be repurposed yet again soon.

Everyone stands around awkwardly, saying hello and the such. J.R. says he wants to bury the hatchet. At this, Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie give the first of this episode's many side-eyes. My heart has already grown three sizes!

Back at the Hospital for Drunks, Pam says she wants to take her father home, but Aunt Maggie tries to dissuade her from that, too, telling her that Digger doesn't want her around. Pam insists, and finally Aunt Maggie has had enough of her selfish shit: "You gotta stop thinkin' of you, girl, and think of him." Pam relents, but not before a single Pam Sadness Tear® gently falls.

The action (oh lawd, how loosely I use that word) moves back to Southfork, where Ray passive-aggressively lets Gary know that he has no intention of giving up rancho honcho duties. He and Jock run things just fine, you see, and there's not really much work...but if Gary wants to be another set of hands, that's a-okay. As Ray pulls away, Val and Lucy walk up. Gary tells them what transpired, and Lucy promptly suggests that he fire Ray and take over the ranch. Damn, don't mess with a tiny sex goblin scorned!

Gary ain't that kind of Ewing, though, and it doesn't matter anyway because J.R. then pulls up and offers his brother a job running a "jewel" of a business. But last episode, we learned that it's really a "loser" of a business. Gary's gonna be duped by ol' J.R., but only Valene suspects it.

side-eye, Joan Van Ark style!

J.R. and Lucy drive back to the house and Val pleads with Gary to split now, to head to California, to head anywhere so long as it's away from Southfork. Once they're settled somewhere else, they can come back for Lucy...the important thing is that they flee from this snake nest pronto.

You guys, Pam is struggling. Should she try to see her father against his wishes? Of course she should! She heads right over to Aunt Maggie's and simply will not take FUCKING NO for an answer. Digger's Drunk Vision® clears up...

...and when he sees it's his dewy-eyed daughter, he promptly tells her FUCKING NO, get out. She refuses and pushes the matter further: she loves her husband! What is she supposed to do here? Digger's reasonable response is that Pam saw the way Jock humiliated him at the Ewing Barbecue, yet she still lives there. His less reasonable response is "You're dead to me, get out." Finally, Pam gets out.

Back at Southfork (yes, all we do in this episode is flip-flop locations!), J.R. has Gary buried under a ton of paperwork. Valene remains concerned about this, and stupidly tries to suggest to Miss Ellie that Gary should leave. Like Miss Ellie would ever go for that! I swear, if that woman truly had her way, she'd probably cram each and every one of her sons back into her baby cave and have her legs sewn together so they could never, ever escape her ghoulish uterine clutches.

When Miss Ellie says that Gary should stay because surely history won't repeat itself, Val replies "I guess if you say so, that makes it true," and I wanted to make out with my TV I was so happy that someone finally sassed that old bat.

the face of a woman burnt

Jock offers help to Pam regarding The Digger Situation and she totally sasses him ("You've helped enough already!"). Jock sasses her right back ("If it helps you to keep this up, keep it up!") and you guessed it: I wanted to make out with all the TVs.

sass

sass squared

YOU GUYS AND THEN THIS HAPPENS:

A muscle car comes tearin' into Southfork and plows into little pedestal-things and I watched it like ten times.

It's Digger, drunk again, come to return all the convalescin' gifts that Pam brought him...and to get Jock to pay up. For the oil wells he "stole" and the such? No no...for the one thing Digger had left to lose: he wants a payoff for Pam! Everyone is rightly mortified.

"You're unbearable, Barnes," Jock says. "How much do you want?" When Digger says he wants ten grand for his daughter, Jock just laughs and throws a hundred dollar bill at him. Digger scoops it up, says "Sold!"...and Dallas has entered a whole new realm of fuckery!

It gets worse (for my eyes, anyway) when Pam and Bobby retreat to their monstrosity of a bedroom:

It's so so soooooooo ugly, but I can't lie--I now have a burning rash desire to write some Dallas/Yellow Wallpaper crossover fanfiction!

Later that night, Gary is still going over the paperwork that J.R. gave him because I guess he's a slow reader. Pam and Lucy come in to talk, and Miss Ellie arrives with some milk and cookies like her son's a ten-year-old and...aw, who am I kidding? I'm just jealous. Man, I could eat the fuck out of, like, a hundred and fifty cookies right now.

Anyway, like a total clod Gary knocks over the milk. The women start clucking and scurrying and wiping until Gary flips ("It's only a glass of milk, dammit, leave me alone!") and runs out of the room. The ever-wise Miss Ellie chalks it up to simple embarrassment and stops Lucy from going after her quite obviously unhinged father.

But...is Gary so unhinged that a milk spill and an ensuing brouhaha will drive him to drink?

No! But it will drive him to...dun dun dunnn...leave Southfork without a word to anyone. History, it seems, totally does repeat itself. In your face, Miss Ellie!

He can't get away before Valene catches him, though, and pleads with him not to leave like this. What about Lucy? What about the embers of their hearts, which threaten to reignite into a raging bonfire of rediscovered love? Sorry, babe, Gary's splitsville...but not before locking lips with Val in a kiss that's so painful and nonsensical-looking, it's like an M.C. Escher drawing come to life.

what is even happening here

Gary walks off into the, uh, day and Valene goes to break the news to Lucy. But guess who saw everything that just went down? Devil with a blue bathrobe on!

that light is preposterously huge

J.R. gives Valene two options: get an escort out of town and $5000, or just an escort out of town. Val tells him to shove his "Ewing money," that she'll be leaving of her own accord...and so she makes for the spinoff called Knots Landing, where a new life and yes, a new Gary await. And Karen Allen! And a new theme song bop!


While I applaud her decision--I so so so loved Knots Landing, you guys (duh)- I have to give some side-eye of my own at Val not telling Lucy she's leaving. Everyone thinks Gary and Val are a couple of turds, which on the one hand is true. Don't wordlessly run away from your problems, geez. But they think Gary and Val are turds for all the wrong reasons, which is bad! They were basically driven out by King Turd J.R., after all. Valene, was, at least. Gary...well, I don't know what's going on with that guy.

They could both learn a thing or two from Pam, who does not at all wordlessly run away from her problems! Despite everything that's happened, she goes to see Digger and give him one last piece of her mind and tell him that he smells bad (no really, she tells him that he smells bad). She tells him that next to Jock Ewing, he's "the most unwholesome man" she knows...but she loves him anyway and she's not going to let him shut her out of his life. Digger still has the hundred bucks Jock threw at him, and offers it to Pam, but she tells him to keep it--after all, "the old louse" owes him a lot more than that, right? Aw, they made up! It's so touching I could puke. In a good way for once.

stern Pam is not the one

It's After Dinner Cocktail Time and everyone is still rehashing the Gary business. Bobby lays down some truths: that Gary couldn't hack it in the family simply because he's not a ruthless, backstabbing jerk like the rest of them. Don't worry: no one will take this to heart and mend their ruthless, backstabbing ways. Things only get worse from here on out...and I do mean right this moment, when J.R. shows Lucy a check stub (forged, of course) showing that he paid Valene that five grand before she left because she asked for it. Then a wonderful thing happens:

I could watch that all day! Lucy slapping him and storming out would be good enough alone, but that's not all! Everyone gives J.R. some episode ending side-eye because although no one will admit it, they all know he's the real reason Gary and Val left. They all know he's made out of snakes!

It was pretty tense, you guys, like suddenly this was some Agatha Christie shit and they all realized that the murderer was right there in that very room.

Hey, that gives me an idea...time for some Dallas/And Then There Were None crossover fanfiction!