2.20 - CALL GIRL

Original airdate: February 23, 1979

Pam still hasn't returned to Southfork, but that's not good enough for J.R. In "Call Girl" we see just how far he'll go to get her out of his eyebrows for good. This episode bears all the hallmarks of what I love so much about this show and some hallmarks I didn't know I wanted. In a word, it's salacious! In two words, it's very salacious! In three? It's very mildly salacious!

The episode begins with a rather lengthy sequence of SPORTS ACTION as Bobby and J.R. face off on the racquetball courts. They are both sweaty, but Bobby makes it look sex-ay, all glistening in his tank top and shorty shorts.

Lest you think to yourself "J.R. and Bobby play racquetball? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This racquet club location--conveniently called The Racquet Club, natch--is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.

But that is to come! To now,  Pam is overseeing some kind of fashion shoot for The Store, which is great. I love the sort of nebulous career Pam has with this department store. She's a buyer! She's a fashion designer! She attends fashion shows and oversees fashion shoots! She works the floor! She creates displays! Sheeeeee's every woman (that is, if every woman works for The Store) and it's all in her. And it's no mystery as to why. The creativity on display here, with the woman lethargically posing in front of a plain background, is breathtaking.

One of those lethargic posers is Leanne, played by Veronica Hamel, who would go on to star in television's Hill Street Blues a couple of years later. Leanne and Pam are best friends...and lest you think to yourself "Pam and this character I've never seen or heard of before are best friends? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This best friendship is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.

All de-sweat-ed and cleaned up and back at Ewing Oil headquarters, J.R. is not having the best of times. It seems thanks to his position with the Office of Land Management, Cliff Barnes wields massive power and is making life difficult for his nemesis. (I told you, reader, leather padfolios and pen holders speak to said power!) J.R.'s cronies Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr failed to beat the manslaughter rap for Julie's death, and Ewing Oil and Villain in Chief no longer hold much clout with the rest of the oilmen. So long as Barnes is a risk, ain't no one joining forces with J.R. As you can plainly see, he is troubled by this development.

But as we know by now, J.R. and his eyebrows will not be held down for long. He's cooking up a scheme to get to the man who got Cliff the job in the first place, Ben Maxwell. Now, sure, I intimated--well, I outright stated--that Ben Maxwell is evil-seeming and creepy. He wants Cliff to displace folks in low-income neighborhoods and tear down their homes to make way for business developments, and he's got an unsettling manner that gives me the willies. But! "Call Girl" reveals his heretofore hidden depths of purity and goodness. He is not truly an evil overlord, he is simply beholden to some. (What's the difference, says I, but you catch Ben's drift.) He is dedicated to his wife and has no vices, not the sexy kind nor the boozy kind. He does play racquetball, however, and so he ends up on the court with J.R.

After a rousing match they head to The Racquet Club lounge where Maxwell proves maddeningly incorruptible. He will not do anything about the Cliff Barnes situation, nor will he drink any alcohol. Club soda and loving his wife are all he needs, thank you!

Best friends Pam and Leanne are also having lunch at The Racquet Club because Pam was hoping Bobby would be there, but alas. His absence and their marital problems have given Pam a real case of the sads, so Leanne suggests that Pam move into her spare bedroom. They are best friends, after all. Didn't you know? They run into J.R. and Ben Maxwell on their way out, and the encounter is delightful for two reasons: one, you can practically see a lightbulb go off above J.R.'s head when he gets and eyeload of Leanne. Two, when he asks "Can I buy you girls a drink?" Pam simply says NO and walks away.

But again, J.R. cannot be held down, and surprise, he's waiting at Leanne's apartment when she returns home.

Excuse me...he's waiting at Leanne's hideous eyesore of an apartment. I know I've talked before about the sensory overload the Dallas sets can induce, but Leanne's place is another level. Another garish level. It's like someone handed the set designer a blank check and just said "Go nuts. And when I say 'nuts,' I mean NUTS."

Anyway. It turns out that J.R. and Leanne already knew each other...although when they were in business cahoots and she was "running a string of girls," she was going by the name Amber. But she's turned her life around! She has a daughter now, who is staying with Leanne's mother. She's got a regular old job (you know, as a model) and she's left that call girl life in the past. Of course, no one is able to get a fresh start or leave their old life behind them when J.R. has a use for said old life, and so it is here. J.R. offers Leanne a wad of cash to seduce ol' pure boy Ben Maxwell, but she basically tells him to get stuffed. J.R. reminds her that the Texas child welfare system probably wouldn't look too kindly on a single mother with a call girl past, so mayhaps she will want to reconsider.

Later that evening, Pam calls Bobby to let him know that she's moved in with Leanne. He responds with "What's that? I'm sorry honey, I can't hear you over the hideously loud wallpaper behind you."

good lord

J.R. has telephoned one of his pals that works in the Vice Squad, and that slimeball offers to give Leanne "the B treatment," which means he tells her she's being arrested for solicitation, convinces her there's nothing she can do about it because no one will believe "a hooker," drives her around for an hour, then lets her go with a warning that he could do it again unless she "thanks" her "powerful friends." Here Dallas teaches us a vital lesson that resonates loudly even today: ACAB.

When Leanne returns home after her lesson, J.R. is waiting again. He not only wants her to seduce Ben Maxwell, he also wants her to rope Pam into it somehow. This will eliminate two of his birds with one scandal, and he'll give Leanne enough money to ensure that she truly can get that fresh start with her daughter. It is tempting, but setting up her best friend in the process? As you can plainly see, she is troubled by this development.

The dulcet tones of what I think is the Dallas sexophone play out, but it's actually the dulcet tones of the boozophone, which can only mean one thing: Sue Ellen is sloshed!

Seriously, let's all give Linda Gray all the standing ovations for finding ways to pose with a glass and/or bottle of booze every single week. I never get tired of it, but surely she did.

Apparently she skipped dinner, which we all know is a capital crime around Southfork. J.R. kindly reminds her that she's a "lush" and a "tramp" and the "only thing standing between her and the gutter" is the baby she's carrying so she'd better show up at the dinner table every night. It's positively shocking that she drinks, I tells ya!

Meanwhile, Bobby and Ray have been investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. It seems some good ol' boys cut a hole in the fence around Southfork and made off with some cattle. Bobby and Ray end up at a saloon where it turns out that Kit Mainwaring, son of another venerable Dallas oil family, is also investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. Before you can say "TESTOSTERONE," fists and sawdust are flying in a bonafide barroom brawl. I am not exaggerating when I say that I counted the sounds of 29 punches. And oops, somehow Bobby's shirt flew open in the scuffle!

At breakfast the next morning, Bobby explains his scratched up face and Jock is jealous: "Nothin' I like better than a little fight now and then!" and his glee over this is...somehow...it's somehow...hold on, this painful for me to say.

It's somehow...endearing. I don't understand it, but there it is. This is the first episode in which I found myself liking Jock for more than just his incredible hair, and it's because I am enjoying his ridiculous childish machismo! 2020 continues to be a wild ride, I guess.

Kit Mainwaring shows up (at Bobby's invitation) so they can discuss The Case of the Cattle Rustlers and uh oh, Lucy's tiny sex goblin senses start tingling. He's "gorgeous," she proclaims, all googly-eyed and giggly, and methinks this may not be the last we see of young Mr. Mainwaring.

Leanne has decided to go through with J.R.'s scheme, and as such she "just happens" to run into Ben Maxwell at The Racquet Club. J.R. spies on them for a bit to make sure that Operation: Seduce Ben Maxwell has launched, and reader, let me tell you...I desperately want to get this moment tattooed somewhere on my person:

The image of J.R. nefariously snooping next to a potted plant filled me with the same glee Jock feels for fistfights and violence! I feel refreshed, revived, and reinvigorated. It is as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Oil of Olay's age-defying--excuse me, as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Principal Secret's age-defying salves, lotions, unguents, ointments, and balms.

Satisfied, J.R. enlists the services of a photographer who is also trying to leave his sordid past behind him--he doesn't take these types of incriminating photos anymore! But J.R. and his money talk some sweet talk and so even more morals are compromised in this episode.

Leanne wields her feminine wiles and gets Ben Maxwell good and liquored up. Having convinced him that she's super horny for him, she brings him to Chez Hideous for a "nightcap" (sex). She tricks him into going into Pam's bedroom, and I am reminded of the inciting incident in the 1980 Canadian slasher flick Terror Train where as a prank, a bunch of jerks trick poor Kenny into hopping into bed with a corpse they stole from a medical college. There, Kenny's mind snaps and he goes on a murderous revenge spree. Here, it's not a corpse, it's a sleeping Pam. And Ben Maxwell's mind doesn't snap, he gets mad; nor does he go on a murderous revenge spree. He just leaves! So I guess it's not really like Terror Train much at all, but like I said that's where my mind went and I just thought you should know.

Pam wakes up during all this and is as confused as you likely are about all that Terror Train business.

"Wha-huh? Phew, thought I was a corpse for a second there"

This Three's Company-style mix-up was caught on film by the morally compromised photographer and the next morning the scandal is front page news, complete with a headline in, like, 500pt font.

It is so stupid and I love it endlessly.

The paper is passed around the Southfork breakfast table and reactions are mixed. Miss Ellie doesn't believe Pam would be caught in a love nest. Lucy proclaims it "awful," while Sue Ellen is all in. "It looks like she didn't learn anything during her time here," she says. I do adore it when Sue Ellen gets all rich lady snooty!

Bobby doesn't believe it either, and goes so far as to accuse J.R. of having something to do with it. J.R. denies it--Pam is just a simple tramp, that's all, which causes Bobby's eyes of madness to activate.

You know what that means: scuffle! Jock pries his sons apart and barks at J.R.: "If I find out you had anything to do with it, I'll kick your tail over into the next county!"

WHY DO I LOVE THIS? Is this a Covid symptom?

Her job done, Leanne packs her bags and is ready to split. Pam hasn't seen the newspaper yet and still has no idea that any of this was a purposeful setup and not a simple (and sexy!) late-night mistake. Leanne, ever the best friend, is like "leave me alone, the apartment doesn't matter, don't ask me any questions, sorry, bye."

J.R. meets with his fellow oilmen, all ready to celebrate Ben Maxwell's downfall. But the oildudes still aren't ready to join forces with Ewing Oil again. Cliff Barnes is still making trouble at the pleasure of Maxwell's boss. Womp womp, J.R., your scheme was for naught!

The other half of his scheme, wherein he sought to break up Bobby and Pam for good, also fails. It doesn't drive them apart; rather, it unites them like they've never been united before. Pam takes a lot of convincing--she was all packed and ready to skip town to avoid the scandal and surely no one at Southfork wants her there because of the scandal and oh she'll never recover from the scandal. "It's time to come home, Pam," Bobby says, reminding her that if she leaves, J.R. finally gets what he wants. She doesn't want J.R. to win, does she? To beat J.R. she must live with J.R.! FOREVER.

And so, at long last, Pam returns to Southfork. As with the scandal, reactions are mixed. Lucy and Miss Ellie are elated. Jock is...fine with it.

Sue Ellen, booze in hand, is less enthused. She's surprised Pam would show her (perfect) face around the ranch after she's brought such disgrace to the family. With the scandal, duh. Call me crazy, but it kind of seems like Sue Ellen is projecting.

They draw out the Pam/J.R. reunion for a few comedic moments, with the latter unaware that his morning is about to be ruined by the reappearance of his nemesis-in-law, who is lurking behind him.

This reminded me of the 1978 slasher flick Halloween...you know, this scene where Annie is out in the little laundry house, washing the pants she spilled butter all over and talking on the phone with Paul, and Michael Myers lurks in the shadows, watching her.

Yeah, that scene! Anyway, all of J.R.'s plans got foiled so hard in this episode, the ending may as well have included the Price is Right loser horn jingle. Again I say: womp womp, J.R. Womp womp indeed!

2.17 - THE RED FILE part one

Original airdate: February 2, 1979

If you ask me, this episode should be called Now That's What I Call Juicy because let me tell you, juicy is what I call it! It truly has it all, as you'll come to read. But right off the bat we know we're in for something special as our eyes are treated to the sight of J.R. and Julie strolling together down a boardwalk on the gulf.

The ascot! The fancy glasses and bubbly! The fur-knit combo featuring Julie's perfectly feathered hair perfectly feathering around her toque! This scene should be narrated by Robin Leach because truly it is some champagne wishes and caviar dreams shit.

Despite the fact that they are in the midst of a perfectly blissful three-day getaway, these two illicit lovebirds can't help but let their insecurities shine through. Julie asks J.R. what he's thinking and feeling about her, for she can never be fully sure where she stands. J.R., meanwhile, asks her to rate Cliff Barnes's nookie game on a scale of 1-10. It's not weird at all!

Speaking of Cliff Barnes and champagne, Cliff Barnes is enjoying some champagne to celebrate his new job as the Chief of the Office of Land Management. Yes, he done sold his soul in order to "bury J.R. Ewing." And I might mean "sold his soul" literally, because the businessman who got Cliff the gig has a real creepy way of talking and staring and gives off some serious Tom Noonan in The House of the Devil vibes.

The next morning, Sue Ellen and her baby bump answer the telephone because, you see, it was ringing. It's Cliff! But he's calling for his sister Pam. I guess Cliff and Sue "just the marbles" Ellen are truly over.

More importantly (although truly, is anything more important than Sue Ellen Ewing? no) this scene establishes that there is a mysterious man in a van listening to Cliff's phone calls. Now that's what I call foreshadowing!

ATTENTION PLEASE: we have reached the beefcake portion of the show! Bobby has daringly unbuttoned his shirt rather low, right there in the Ewing Oil offices.

He and Ray are discussing plans for building Ray's house--remember that l'il chunk o' land Jock bestowed upon the ranch hand to trap him at Southfork forever thank him for years of service? Ray is unsure he wants to stay at Southfork though, as he's still stinging over his sweetie Garnet McGee canoodling with J.R. Who can blame him? She's an electrifying performer and a powerful singer! Also she is Kate Mulgrew.


Really, though, I appreciate the show's repeated use of callbacks. Sure, plotlines are generally resolved quickly and characters often up and disappear completely, but a reference to someone or something from a previous episode enriches the world of the show and really gives it a soap opera feel. This is especially true in "The Red File" not only because of the Garnet reference, but also because of, you know, the red file. The one that's got J.R.'s secret paperwork in it. And, of course, there's Julie herself, who has, uh, returned and who knows just where that paperwork is.

Although he doesn't know about the red file, Ray knows that something's up at Southfork. Roughnecks--particularly one Charlie Waters--have been spotted out at a remote corner of the property poking around. We know that those oil crews have been hired by J.R., who wants to tap that land after Jock dies. Now that's what I call dramatic irony! Bobby agrees to quietly help Ray with his investigatin'.

Cliff holds a meeting in his new office and we are given visual proof of the massive amounts of power he now wields: behold, y'all, the padfolios and pen holders! And the positively enormous ashtrays! And *squints* by gorsh...are those women? In a business-flavored meeting? Dallas continues to inch its way toward a Ms. Magazine sponsorship and I love it.

One of the women even speaks!

Ray heads to a bar in search of roughneck Charlie Waters (listen, they say "roughneck" about fifty times in this episode so I, too, will say it every time it's applicable) and he finds him...or more like roughneck Charlie Waters's fist finds Ray's face! The roughnecks beat Ray up but good for stickin' his nose in their bidness. He's got shiny shiners everywhere.

Bobby tells him he shouldn't be "playing Barnaby Jones" all by himself, a statement from which I suppose we can surmise that Bobby watches Barnaby Jones. Finally Bobby does something I approve of! But it's here, dear reader, that I must confess my shame; whenever I mention my beloved geriatric detectives (and mention them often, I sure do), I automatically go to Columbo and Jessica Fletcher. Occasionally I will add Matlock for a little pizazz, although I admit, I think the theme song is the best part of that show. Doesn't it just make you want to don a seersucker suit and dance under a full Georgia moon? Then there's that surprise slide whistle ending (not a euphemism) and it never fails to startle. Anyway, my point is that I have greatly neglected Barnaby Jones over the years whilst pontificating on geriatric detectives. Is Barnaby himself not the very model of a geriatric detective? Indeed he is. I can make one vow today: I will neglect him no more! (I just felt a disturbance in the force, which is all of my friends shuddering at the thought of having to hear about Buddy Ebsen and/or Barnaby Jones in the future.)

J.R. and Julie have returned home from their getaway only to catch some respective winds: J.R. learns of Ray's investigatin' and sends roughneck Charlie Waters off to Mexico. Julie learns that another J.R. henchman--or someone, at any rate--snooped through her apartment while she was away. But oh ho ho, she is unconcerned! "You'll never find it," she says, "'cause you don't know where to look." Now that's what I call solid reasoning! The "it" is the key to a locker that presumably contains the red file, and she's got it taped to the underside of a jewelry box. So clever, Julie, but this isn't just marbles. This is a dangerous game you play!

At lunch, Julie happens to run into Cliff Barnes. It's no surprise--after all, we should know by now how much Cliff loves lunch. They're friendly and a bit flirty. She's got a job interview, which Cliff finds surprising. She's not working for Ewing Oil? Why, she's gorgeous enough to be their vice president! And being gorgeous is really the only qualification one needs for the job. Our current vice president is proof enough of that. Cliff reminds Julie that he's always open to buying whatever Ewing secrets she's selling, but she says he can't afford it...to which Cliff replies that she simply hasn't been hurt by J.R. enough yet. Across the way, a man very, very, very, no really so very casually watches them.

unnoticeable

That fellow is an oil crony of J.R.'s, and he warns J.R. that he needs to be wary of Julie. What if she's giving away all their secrets to Cliff? J.R. doesn't seem very worried, and when he mentions it to Julie that night it's more of a flirt than it is a confrontation. And she flirts right back with a "well you had someone snoop through my apartment while I was gone" and J.R.'s is all "who, me?" and no this relationship isn't toxic at all, why do you ask?

Then J.R. leans in and asks Julie what Cliff is like. You know. What is he like sexually. Julie laughs it off and J.R. insists she tell him. Between this and the "rate Cliff 1-10" he brought up earlier...look, in case he's reading this, I have to say: J.R., if you want to kiss Cliff Barnes so badly then just tell him! Y'all could stop the fussin' and the feudin' and get to huggin'! Sheesh. Those two, I swear.

"Okay, I'll be me and you be Cliff. JUST FOR PRETEND. I hate him so much I want to know what it'd be like to sleep with him, that's all hahaha. What?"

Later, as he's getting ready to leave, J.R. casually tells Julie that she should sleep with Cliff again to get some secrets out of him during pillow talk. Lest Julie think this is a slimy offer, J.R. insists that he will pay her well for her services. Julie, nude and enjoying some post-fornication bed cheese (as you do) says it all without saying a word.

"Da--and I cannot stress this enough--fuq?"

Of course, she does then say a word, and that word is "no."

A few minutes later she says some more words to Cliff's answering machine: it seems that J.R.'s attempt at pimping her out is the last straw (like we haven't heard that before, Julie) and she's ready to sell dem secrets. She also sticks that locker key in an envelope, addresses it to someone, and drops it in the mailbox. You might think all of this is important, but the truly important thing about this scene is that Julie has yet another robe that is color coordinated with her telephone. She might be playing dangerous games, but she knows how to live, baby!

At Southfork, Bobby learns that Jock fired roughneck Charlie Waters years earlier after he stole some tools. He shouldn't be on their property at all! He confronts J.R. about it and J.R. pleads ignorance. Bobby gets heated and when J.R. saucily said "Are you gonna punch me out?" I felt so good that someone was finally acknowledging Bobby's insane temper and the way he always Hulks out and immediately wants to deck people.

HEY remember the man in the can we saw earlier? The one who tapped Cliff's phone line? Well natch he heard Julie's message about selling secrets...but he doesn't tell J.R. He tells J.R.'s oil cronies! They show up at Julie's apartment and tell her to pack a bag and split right now...and this shit turns into a horror movie for a minute.

Julie escapes out of her apartment's back door (an apartment in a high rise apartment building has a back door? sure, I guess)! But there's another oil crony waiting at the bottom of the stairwell! He starts to chase her!

She ends up on the roof, amongst the shadows and under a full moon!

There's nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide! Cliff has arrived and finds Julie's apartment empty. He doesn't know she's right there up above running for her life!

The oil cronies catch her, and they've got black gloves and everything. We're in cowboy giallo country!

There's a tussle, a fall, and...a splat. Julie, you've only just returned but already you're leaving us for Heaven. I assume.

The next morning, Julie's death is front page news. As it should be.

Everyone is shocked, no one more than J.R., who excuses himself for some privacy and some booze. Dare I say--is that almost a tear in his eye? Is J.R. actually having...feelings?

He and Julie did almost marry once, and she knew all his weird sexual proclivities. It's probably the closest J.R. has ever come to--or will ever come to--actually loving someone, which is sad if you think about it. But he's a monster, so who cares.

The van man finally reports to J.R. about Julie's phone call to Cliff. Yes, even the van man is a dirty double dealer! I'm surprised that it's The X-Files that's known for "trust no one" and not Dallas. Here's the thing about that message Julie left on the answering machine: we know she was talking about J.R., but she never mentions him by name so it sounds like she's blackmailing Cliff, not agreeing to work with him. J.R. is convinced that Cliff has killed Julie. Or at least that's what he's going with.

Detectives had called Cliff in for some questions, because he was seen at Julie's apartment the night before. But then J.R. tips them off about that answering machine message and apparently that's enough evidence to arrest Cliff for murder. His disheveled hair and tie (not to mention that five o'clock shadow) signify that he is not having a good time!

Pam visits him in the clink and Cliff explains how J.R. tapped his phone and set him up, and that Julie was ready to reveal all the dirty Ewing secrets. Pam gets back to Southfork that evening and takes a moment in the driveway to compose herself. Look at this dramatic lighting, with her face half in shadoe! It's, you know, like a visual representation of Pam's two inner halves at odds with each other. Can she be a Barnes and a Ewing? Will she ever find peace in this family?

BOY OH BOY do we get an answer to that. Pam is in a rage like we've never seen her in before: it's a calm fury, if you know what I mean. It's not her patented righteous anger tears, oh no. She doesn't cry. She doesn't blink. She. Is. Furious.

She lays into J.R.: he framed her brother because he knew Cliff would show that "the Ewing empire is built on deceit and downright theft."

Jock immediately butts in with "That's enough of that, Pam!" but she keeps going.

"You'd rather have Cliff dead than have the world find out how rotten the Ewings really are!" she says and storms out and it's possible that I squealed with delight.

She goes to her room and packs a damn bag, and when Bobby tries to stop her because this shouldn't come between them, she turns that calm fury on her husband. "I don't know if I can be married to a Ewing!" she says, and she keeps on packin'.

She heads out the door, gets in her Corvette, and for a moment I thought she was going to stop herself from leaving. But she doesn't stop herself! In fact, she fucking peels out and is gone. It's the best thing that's happened on this show so far!

J.R. and Sue Ellen watch her go. "That's no loss," he says, and the look Sue Ellen gives him is absolute perfection.

"What kinda man are you, anyway?" she says, and I should have turned off the DVD right there. I should have ended this entire series right there, because how could it get better? Sue Ellen is openly disgusted with and sneering at J.R. Pam has peeled out of the Ewing family at long, long last. It's a perfect ending!

But I didn't stop the DVD. J.R. and Sue Ellen went back inside Southfork for dinner. Pam, like Julie, will return and once again become entangled with these truly awful people. And as the voiceover fatefully said during the episode-ending freeze-frame, we'll be back next week for the conclusion of this storyline.

I can't wait!

2.15 - FOR LOVE OR MONEY

Original airdate: January 14, 1978

Ha! Episode title, please. Are we expected to believe that anyone on this show would be torn when choosing between love and money? At best, the Ewings might conflate the two--is Ellie putting Southfork above all else an act of love? Or is it more she's accustomed to the moneyed lifestyle and is actually putting that above all else? And Pam, who grew up poor, might choose love...but is it really love if her husband or brother ultimately chooses money? I wonder if any college philosophy curriculums include this episode. Maybe I should start my own college to be sure.

It's just another leisurely morning at Southfork. As always the outfits are on point and orange juice is poured liberally. Sue Ellen's mother phones ("Mother?!" you exclaim. "She has a mother? And here I thought she was born from the skull of Jack Daniels!") and we're told that not only is La Mère back in Dallas, she and Sue Ellen met up the night before. It's all pleasant until La Mère begins angling for an invite to Southfork for herself and Sue Ellen's little sister Kristin in the hopes that Kristin will also meet "the right man." We can tell by the way Sue Ellen blankly stares into the distance and hems and haws that she's not into the idea. We can also tell because she plainly says she's not into the idea, that the time is not right. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin...oh, her time will come! It won't be long before she is, in fact, motorin', if you know what I mean. I think you do! (Sex.)

I love a photo cube! 

I love a mustard phone!

Cliff is at The Store getting fitted for a new suit. According to him, the underdog look is no longer a fashion trend--this season is all about the winner look, baby. Pam, flawless as usual, reminds him that the election is still two years away, which reminds me that now, (math) years later, America miserably exists in the throes of a perpetual election cycle. I wonder if any college political science curriculums include this episode. I really need to start that college!

It's now round 'bout noontime and Sue Ellen is hanging with The Bitches Who Lunch at a fancy hotel restaurant. They're all complimenting her on her incredible stamina, what with driving all the way to Fort Worth whilst pregnant. Sue Ellen eats up the compliments as she joyfully twirls the oversized novelty olives in her martini. If these ladies thought her driving a whole half an hour to meet them was amazing, just wait until she does it again--pregnant and buzzed--for her return trip to Dallas. Our Sue Ellen is truly a profile in courage!

Sue Ellen is also boasting (aka lying) about how great her life is. J.R. is excited about the baby! They've never been more in love! He loves his job and he's in Austin right now doing his job! It's all perfect! As expected, this all blows up in Sue Ellen's face minutes later when the gaggle is leaving the hotel just as J.R. is checking in with some young lass. "Didn't Sue Ellen say J.R. was in Austin? I swear that was him," one of them says while the Alpha Queen in Purple smirks and floofs her hair. Floofs her hair! These bitches are ruthless! I love it.

Meanwhile, round 'bout noontime elsewhere, Cliff is meeting with some very powerful businessmen. You can tell they're powerful because they are doing business near a conference table that is stocked with padfolios and pens...but not just any padfolios and pens. The padfolios are leather--leather, reader--and the pens are housed in pen holders.

powerful business accessories

I am not a businesswoman, powerful or otherwise, but every time I see a padfolio I so wish I were. I dream of owning a padfolio, but of course I dream humbly. A leatherette padfolio seems more my speed. Maybe one with a calculator inside for the easy calculating of business figures. I suppose I could get myself one even for my life as a not-businesswoman, but is it worth it if I am not attending meetings wherein I can show it off? If a padfolio is brandished at a conference table in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even exist? Hmm, perhaps this is a question best left for the philosophy students at my college.

Anyway, the businessmen are willing to guarantee Cliff a position as the head of the Bureau of Land Management, provided he declares eminent domain to rid South Dallas of "low cost, low class" houses in order to make way for Business Interests. Cliff tells 'em to shove it. He ain't gonna sell out, not for a lofty position, not for no money no how!

That night, Sue Ellen is working on a glass of booze when J.R. finally shows up at home. Words are had! Words like "tramp," which J.R. objects to--the woman Sue Ellen spotted him with wasn't a tramp at all; rather, she was a nice young lady. Sue Ellen tries to give him an ultimatum: if he doesn't stop with the philanderin', she's gonna leave and take the baby that might be his with her! J.R. immediately capitulates, promising to love and honor and cherish Sue Elle--HAHA psych! J.R. doesn't take kindly to ultimatums, of course, and he knows he holds all the cards even if Sue Ellen holds all the babies (in her uterus). She sure enjoys the money and the lifestyle being his wife affords her, and he knows she ain't goin' nowhere. In the long run, at least.

In the short run, she's heading to Cliff's.

Over a glass of yes even more booze (that poor baby), she and Cliff discuss their relationship, or lack thereof. Cliff says it's over, Sue Ellen says but what about this maybe-baby? (I mean that maybe the baby is Cliff's, not that it's maybe a baby or maybe not a baby. I'm pretty sure that it's really a baby in there.) Then she turns off the lights and tells him that while she might not need him tomorrow, she needs him tonight. She really needs him. FOR SEX.

The next morning, we're treated to yet another Southfork breakfast scene, but this one is sans Sue Ellen. It's remarked upon ("She must have got up early and left!") but J.R. doesn't seem to mind, telling everyone he doesn't pay much attention to whatever she's got going on. Miss Ellie comments that Sue Ellen should bring her mother and her sister to Southfork, Jock volunteers Lucy to be Kristin's friend, and then Jock and Miss Ellie are off to a doctor's appointment. So exciting! It must have been Sweeps Week when this originally aired.

J.R. stops by to see Sue Ellen's mother, and for a minute I don't hear any dialogue because I am completely overtaken by the sight of a huge barometer on the wall.

My gramma also had a huge barometer on the wall next to her front door--well, a barometer-thermometer combo, to be exact, all wood and brass and glass (aka all plastic). I don't think anyone knew how to read the barometer part, or how it worked or what it was meant to signify. Whenever my gramma walked us to the door as we left, she would peep at it and flick the glass (plastic) a few times for some arcane purpose. Hmm, maybe she knew how to read it and how it worked and what it was meant to signify but never shared its secrets. I will never know.

But enough about gramma aesthetics (even though I can never get enough gramma aesthetics, honestly)! Kristin descends the stairs in a powder blue terrycloth shorts-n-tank top combo and you can practically hear the boi-oi-oinnng of J.R.'s boner through the screen. She begins to eat a pear in a flirty fashion, and she, her mother, and J.R. all agree that she won't have any problems landing a husband as good as Sue Ellen's. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin won't have any problems landing Sue Ellen's actual husband. And yes, Colleen Camp was the original Kristin Shepherd!

Still Life: Colleen Camp + Pear

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen has packed her bags and is ready to split when she's stopped by Bobby, who wants to know what's up. "You really care?" Sue Ellen asks, since Bobby has never showed her much interest in the seven years they've lived under the same roof and good lord I know we've talked about it--in the last post, even--but these adults all live together and have lived together for years and I don't understand how they're not all murderously insane! I don't even want to live with myself, never mind my entire family.

When J.R. returns, Bobby tells him that Sue Ellen has left him. J.R. puts in a call to a private investigator and orders a tail on her. Who is she seeing? Who is she talking to?

The answer, it turns out, is her mother and sister. Sue Ellen is worried that her mother is grooming Kristin the way she herself was groomed: that marrying a wealthy man is the most important thing they can do as women. It's all very House of Hilton! But mama never taught Sue Ellen "how to live without a man in her bed, or what to do when her man is off with a floozy somewhere." Both mama and Kristin counter that Sue Ellen's priorities are wrong and "exclusive rights" aren't essential if that man has money.

Jock storms into the Ewing Oil Headquarters like he owns the place (oh wait, he does) and starts yelling at J.R. about The Whole Sue Ellen Thing. They've had seven years to have problems, but they chose to have problems now? Now, when Jock's grandchild is on the way? When Miss Ellie is excited over this same grandchild? Won't someone think of JOCK AND MISS ELLIE? "We want her back at Southfork," Jock says with finality, and I can't decide what I hate more: Jock himself, or the fact that he continues to have such great hair.

jerk

Sue Ellen has returned to Cliff's apartment, but this time the lights stay on. She tells him she's leaving her husband, to which Cliff responds "Okay." This is not the fireworks reception Sue Ellen was expecting! But Cliff is being a pragmatist--will J.R. really let Sue Ellen go? Can she accept a Cliff-flavored life that doesn't have all the Ewing trappings she's used to? Sue Ellen says she will try, and we immediately know they are both doomed. Doomed and clad in brown. Not Earth tones--just brown. There is so much brown everywhere! It's in the decor, it's in the clothes...of all the colors in the spectrum, I can't believe brown was such a huge trend for so long. It's the one misstep of the 1970s. THE ONLY ONE. Although before long we'll be in the pastel 80s, and I'll probably pine for the 70s brown. OR WILL I? I guess we'll all find out. How thrilling!

This was a "tender" moment in action but this still makes it look like a murder moment

J.R.'s private eye reports in: Sue Ellen has been coming and going (and coming...wink wink) from Cliff Barnes's place. J.R. is actually surprised that his wife would be so devious as to canoodle with his greatest enemy. The camera dramatically zooms in on J.R.s face. "I suppose it's time we do somethin' about old Cliff Barnes," he says as the sinister music swells.

I know, you've been biting your nails since paragraph three, wondering about Cliff's made-to-order suit. Well, bite your nails no longer, reader (unless you're into biting your nails, in which case I would still suggest you no longer do that, but ultimately the choice is yours), for a Pam is here, suit in hand, resplendent even in brown pants.  She spots-n-sniffs a scarf and knows immediately that Sue Ellen has been there. If Pam ever gets tired of working at The Store, mayhaps she should consider a career as a private eye. Oh my goodness, imagine a spin-off where Pam solves mysteries and crimes and looks fabulous while doing it...wait, she could team up with Sue Ellen in Ewing Mysteries! I could be blogging about that show right now! But I'm not. And in this lesser (but still great) reality where I only have Dallas, Pam is unleashing some righteous fury (the only fury she can unleash, natch) on her brother. If J.R. finds out about this affair he will ruin Cliff--and Pam won't blame him one bit. Cliff kicks her out, and Sue Ellen emerges from another room, having overheard the whole argument. They look at one another, their gazes inscrutable.

Our Pam, always not the one

Back at Southfork, Pam indulges in some booze, which prompts Bobby to remind her yet again that she can always quit her job. What a jerk! Does he want her to quit The Store so she can realize her destiny and become a private eye? No! He wants her to quit and be a stay-at-home Ewing Lady. The worst. Pam is cryptically lamenting that it's not only the Ewings who will sink to any depth to get what they want. "Barnes? Ewing? What's the difference?" she asks.

"Outside of a couple million dollars, not a whole lot. Except there are more of us. Including you," Bobby replies. The worster.

Pam thinks he's great, though, and the two head off into the city for a date night.

Those padfolio businessmen have sent Cliff a bunch of styrofoam cubes and cylinders, which are meant to represent their vision for a new South Dallas. Cliff is unimpressed and still holding strong to his values. But then J.R. waltzes into Cliff's office and calls him a "cheap little man" having a "cheap little romance" with his wife while harboring "little dreams." They fight over the baby, each telling the other to back off. But J.R. delivers the coup de grâce: Ewing power and money will wash away any embarrassment if the baby isn't his, whereas Cliff will never amount to anything and the scandal would ruin him. And isn't that what he wants? Power? Cliff angrily swats those styrofoam cubes and cylinders right off the table, and I fear that his values will not hold, captain!

J.R. then catches up with his wayward wife at her mother's house and wins back her heart with sweet talk and a promise--HAHA psych! He warns her that if she doesn't come back to Southfork, he'll get a couple of boys to bring her to a hospital where she'll be forced to have an abortion, and then he'll reward her with a messy divorce that will leave her friendless and penniless. He delivers the poop cherry on this shit sundae (sorry) by telling her that Cliff won't take her, anyway.

Sue Ellen meets with her paramour and sadly he confirms it: "You can't fight City Hall," Cliff says, ever the poet. He loves Sue Ellen "in his own way" (whatever that means) but he can't have her and the things he wants in life. What a weasel! What a...a...small man! Sue Ellen likens it all to a game--"Is that what I am? Just the marbles?"--and it's a terrible metaphor (Have children played with marbles since the 30s or whenever? Then again, has Sue Ellen ever actually played a game? Does she know what a game is?), but she's upset so let's forgive her.

Just the marbles

J.R. is waiting for her in the parking lot with Sue Ellen's bags packed and in his backseat. Defeated but silently fuming, she climbs in. They'll make it back to Southfork in time for a nice family dinner, but afterwards J.R. has business to attend to. By "business" he means "sex business" and Sue Ellen needn't wait up. He is relentlessly cruel and stone cold! I've never loved to hate anyone more.

Back in his office, Cliff picks up the styrofoam cubes and cylinders from the floor. He makes a call...he takes a job. The "low cost, low class" houses will soon be gone to make way for Padfolio Business Park. Cliff's willing to give the businessmen whatever they want, so long as they help him accrue massive amounts of power. "How's that for playing the game?" Cliff says to no one.

But he should know that in the game of marbles, nobody wins.

I guess? I have no idea how the game of marbles actually works. I'm not that old, geez.