2.13 - KIDNAPPED

Original airdate: December 17, 1978

Well, well! The creators of Dallas must have jumped in a time machine, travelled from 1978 to last week, read my review of the previous episode, travelled back to 1978, discussed the fact that I wanted an episode with some action and not just lechy manbaby whining, and then they produced this episode. I mean, how else to explain it all? Look at that title: Kidnapped! What does it scream if not excitement? Hold on to your bolo ties everyone, for I am sure we will find out.

It's breakfast time at Southfork for everyone except Pam, who peels out of the ranch in her black Vette and heads to The Store. This prompts some passive aggressive "concern" from Miss Ellie–Pam leaves earlier and earlier (GEE I WONDER WHY)–but Bobby flexes his manbaby muscles and says it's not a problem unless she starts working nights. Lucy's body dysmorphia is coming along nicely and she's decided to skip breakfast because she's gaining weight. Miss Ellie suggests she skip the candy machine at school instead, but Lucy counters that it's womanservant Teresa's mashed potatoes causing her to balloon, not candy. Sue Ellen has received a letter from her mother, who sends her regards to the family and promises to visit soon. Jock then disparages her mother's town, and J.R. makes it clear that she is not welcome to stay at Southfork.

And then a huge sinkhole opens up on the property and Southfork plummets into the very depths of Hell and all of these awful people are gone for good except for Teresa.

Just kidding, that doesn't happen until the finale of Season 27. Look for my recap in January 2189!

Anyway, Bobby and J.R. finally go to work and it seems like just another ordinary day, right? Well guess again, chump! At that very moment, a trio of bad guys enjoys a detailed slide show detailing lots of details about the Ewing clan: This is Jock, this is Bobby's car, this is Ray Krebbs, this is the Ewing Oil building...and on and on and on and ON. Just as you open your mouth to yell/brag that you already know all this stuff, it all becomes Crystal Light clear: they're planning a kidnapping, just as the episode title promised! They're gonna snatch J.R. right off the street and demand all of the Ewing monies. Or at least some of them. Now, you might think that this guy is the worst of the bad guy trio because of his ornery scowl and "no fucks given" hairdo:

But here's the spoileriffic truth of it: it's this mom-looking bitch who's the real sociopath of the bunch. She won't hesitate to get her murder on if things go badly and she's all about the Tubmans, honey, dolla dolla bills y'all.

Over yonder at the Ewing Oil building, Bobby has some business to do, a meeting to attend or whatever, but lo, alas, alack, his car has a flat tire so he takes J.R.'s car instead. For his part, J.R. is at a hotel all kinds of topless, lounging, and engaging in a little Afternoon Delight with an unnamed floozy. And yes, I engaged in a little Afternoon Dry Heaves.

Hey, I know we're not supposed to actively root for the bad guys, but when they drive around looking like this, what am I to do but hope against hope that they will get away with every crime forever?

As you undoubtedly expected, this all leads to a Three's Company-style mixup: the kidnappers stop J.R.'s car, but they find Bobby behind the wheel. Any Ewing will bring the cash, though, so they snatch Bobby and bring him to a rundown house that apparently once belonged to the notorious gangster/slob Pancho Lee.

Other graffiti in the house includes "REAR DOOR," "YOUR," and "PUNK RULE." A++ job there, set designer!

The kidnappers call Cliff Barnes and tell him that for some reason he will be the go-between in this mess. Cliff heads to Southfork to tell everyone that Bobby's been kidnapped and he has explicit instructions to follow if they hope to get Bobby back alive. At this news, Pam is obviously incredibly distraught and on the verge of collapse. No...really.

J.R. and Jock don't want Cliff Barnes nosing in on any family matters and they decide to do things their way: they're fixin' to call in the FBI despite the kidnappers being all "Guys, don't call the FBI, okay? Just give us 1.5 million dollars." Boy, that Jock Ewing sure is an a-hole...but as much as it pains me to say it, I must admit he is also a flawlessly styled a-hole.

The kidnappers become wise to the FBI's involvement and they get angry, so J.R. and Jock relent and have Cliff follow the instructions he's been given. Cliff grabs the suitcase full of money and goes on the world's most boring scavenger hunt; he looks for notes all over town that lead to the exchange location, but the kidnappers don't show up because they think the FBI might still be involved.

When a Bobby-less Cliff returns to Southfork, everyone blames him for the failure and they decide to try it the Ewing way again. When Pam balks out of, you know, fear for her husband's life, everyone gangs up on her and her brother. "You don't understand this family yet!" Jock tells her. Pam may not understand this family, but I sure do. THEY'RE THE WORST.

Finally she manages to convince them that it's best if Cliff tries again...but it's obvious that J.R. still intends to try things his own way. And then...and then...Pam slowly curls her fist as if to silently threaten a good punchin' and reader, it is the most sublime, perfect thing I've ever seen in my life. I want it engraved on my headstone and on my heart, and I want to rearrange all of the stars in the sky into this image.

EVERYTHING

Meanwhile, at the hench-house, the sociopathic mom-looking bad guy is alone with Bobby. He tries to appeal to her better nature–or, to be more precise, her money-loving nature–and promises big bucks for her and her alone if she'll ditch her cohorts, unchain him, and let him go. Joke's on Bobby, though, she doesn't have a better nature! She begins to talk about the desperation of being truly poor, but before you can feel some empathy, she is overcome by Bobby's manliness and she begins sexually assaulting him. Yes, Bobby is about to be raped, but the other kidnappers return to the hench-house in time. Man, this show can get fucking dark! For a moment, Bobby bears the look of a man who has officially Been Through Some Shit, but as this is Dallas, the moment passes and I'm sure the trauma of sexual assault will have no lasting effect on him.

Cliff finally makes an arrangement for the Bobby-cash exchange, but will J.R. and Jock let it play out and not get involved? Of course they will not! They organize a posse to lie in wait so they can ensure Cliff will not screw things up, and also to ensure that the kidnappers are killed instead of, you know, sent to jail. And that's what happens! The exchange goes off without a hitch, but then J.R. and Ray and a bunch of Southfork goobers pop up and shoot the kidnappers dead. Well, they shoot the male kidnappers. I guess not shooting the woman is chivalrous? The important thing here is that even though Bobby's life was at stake, even though he had to lie in wait amongst the dry Texas shrubland for hours, even though there was high tension and they'd be facing off again a criminal element and the outcome was uncertain...J.R. put on a fucking ascot for this. I'm not gonna lie: my eyes became cartoon hearts and then popped out of my head.

Bobby has been rescued and is back home at Southfork. Cliff is angry because he wasn't quite in the clear when the shooting began. Pam and Bobby and Sue Ellen are all "You could have killed Cliff!" and J.R. is all "Who, me?" and he smiles. It's a really weird place for the episode to end, but I suppose the Barnes-Ewing feud can't, you know, be settled in Season Two. We've only just begun!

2.6 - DOUBLE WEDDING

Original airdate: October 22, 1978

Now, now,  don't go getting all excited by that episode title. Ain't no weddings taking place today, never mind two of 'em. In fact, "Double Wedding" is about three minutes' worth of plot dragged out over 48 minutes, so I'm gonna do things a bit differently this week. This is like a Dallas speed round because to go beat by beat through this episode would drown us in boredom...trust me. I mean, look at this shit, this episode should be called "People Looking at Pieces of Paper":

Okay, so you actually might want to know what happens in this episode, right? "What are all those papers!" you cry, unable to bear the suspense. Well here you go:

This guy shows up in Dallas one day and claims to be Pam's husband. She's all WHAT, NO and he's all WHAT, YES. They got married when Pam was in Mexico on a cheerleading trip (hot!) when she was like 16 or 17, but Digger had it annulled like five seconds after he and Pam got back to Dallas. The guy didn't know because he was in 'Nam (!), in a P.O.W. camp for years (!!) and then spent years in the hospital for "nerves and strain" (!!!) upon his return. Now he's back after a communication-less ten years and he wants Pam. Seems reasonable!

There are a lot of "where are those dang annulment papers?" scenes which, as you can imagine, cause much stress for everyone. Well, stress for Pam and Bobby anyway. J.R. learns of everything (OF COURSE) and sees it as an opportunity to get rid of that Barnes woman for good. Pam's first husband--I'll call him "Ed Haines" because that's the character's name--finds out about the J.R./Bobby tension and decides to use the potential scandal to get some blackmail money. Bobby's first project as a constructioneer (new word) is jeopardized because it's for a church group and this particular church is not into bigamy.

Oh! Then in a scene eerily reminiscent of the final sequence in Lucio Fulci's classic Italian horror film Zombie (aka Zombi 2 (don't ask),1979), a roving pack of the undead ambles towards the city. This, of course, is how the Dallas spinoff Zoms Landing came about.

Anyway, yeah, the annulment paper search takes pretty much the entire episode (Ed Haines stole copies and paid off town clerks, you see), and then it all wraps up in two seconds after Pam decides to call Haines's bluff. He splits town, the end.

For all its meh-ness, "Double Wedding" manages to haul out more than a few of my Dallas favorites, both recurring and brand new. For example: "Some slob is trying to run a scam!" - Bobby

Gawd, I wish someone would use the word "slob" in every single episode.

Then there's this nosy eavesdroppin' woman in the bar:

She doesn't say a word, opting instead to pretty much just stare at the camera. She is my past, my present, and my future.

Bobby threatens violence...several times!

Sue Ellen lovingly cradles booze in several scenes and throws shade nearly as often. Just look at the perfection of this boozed up sass face!

Bobby's "had enough" counter face is the best

Pam is at the height of her white hotness in this episode, looking super gorgeous and serving up perfect hair. I know it won't last much longer (the early 80s were so unkind to hairstyles), so we need to give her props while we still can.

Pam can still get it

Cliff shows up at Southfork to see Pam and Bobby, and he and Sue Ellen make eyes at each other and flirt so hard my pants caught on fire.

And that's pretty much it. I know. It's not much. And while it wasn't completely boring to watch, necessarily, it's pretty boring in the telling. But next week...next week's episode ("Runaway") is delicious. See you then, slobs!

1.4 - WINDS OF VENGEANCE

Original airdate: April 23, 1978

Okay, let me lay down some truth on you: this episode should be called "Winds of WHAT THE FUCK" because I cannot believe the amounts of sheer fuckery that pile up during its 48 minutes. For real, I'm gonna need to take a Silkwood shower or three to get the stink of this one off me. This stink, it is not a good one!

The stink begins in the faraway land called "Waco, Texas", where J.R. and Ray leave the floozies and the cheap motel they humped 'em in to head home. Before the cads have hit the highway, a truck pulls in...a truck driven by Brian Dennehy! He and a fellow I shall call Not Brian Dennehy storm into the motel room J.R. just left--one of the nude floozies, you see, is Wanda, Brian Dennehy's wife. He belts her before she can explain, but J.R.'s business card lying on the floor is all the explanation he needs.

Meanwhile, in the car, Ray and J.R. ruminate a bit on their evening. "I wonder how them broads get that way sometimes," says Ray, and I want to throat punch the world. The radio squawks about a hurricane that's about to hit the Dallas area, so we can only hope the winds are strong enough to send these assholes up, up, and away like the beautiful-est of balloons.

Back at Southfork, Miss Ellie is laid up in bed, saying "no thanks" to some lunch brought up by Sue Ellen. I get excited at the prospect that the old bat might be dying, but no such luck...it's just a migraine. Still, it brings me great joy to see her suffer when the phone rings. This vendetta of mine will never go away! Not even her suggestion that it's time they all try to be nicer to Pam can un-harden my heart.

gonna blow this up poster-size and hang it on my wall

At Ewing Oil HQ, Jock and Bobby make plans to go to lunch with Punk Anderson. Punk. Punk. Punk. PUNK. P-U-N-K. Following up a scene of a massively headachy Miss Ellie with a name like that? Okay, it seems this episode is really working to get back in my good graces!

Oh wait, never mind. Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy are en route to Southfork, talking about how they're gonna do to J.R.'s woman what J.R. did to his. A hurricane and revenge? Dear me, how much adversity must the Ewings bear today?

J.R. and Ray arrive home and head out to round up cattle and batten down hatches, but not before Sue Ellen totally starts nagging her husband about where he was last night and why didn't he call last night this and why didn't he call this morning that. He answers not a single question, not a one...and boy, won't he be sorry and more appreciative of his wife after she gets raped by the scumbags. I swear, violence against women is always the best tool a writer can use to give a male character growth!

There's a knock at the door, and...dun dun dunnnnnn...it's Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy, claiming their truck broke down and can they please use the phone? Sue Ellen of course invites them in and turns her manners up to 11, while Lucy starts making those googly eyes she's so fond of...

...but the camera zooms in on Pam's "not the one" face. This lets us know that she is not, in fact, the one, and also that she does not trust these fellows one bit.

exhibit a: not the one

Bobby calls the house, but J.R. tells him everything is under control and that he should stay in Dallas. But listen, if J.R. is talking about the cattle, well, they are not under control at all. And so, J.R., Ray, Lucy, Brian Dennehy, and Not Brian Dennehy head out in trucks and on horses to wrangle stuff and it is the height of excitement! not really that exciting. Why are the bad guys helping? To lull the Ewings into a false sense of security or something maybe? I dunno, it seems strange to me to put in this much effort...I mean, will they still have enough energy to assault everyone if they spend all this time a-wranglin'? Geez.

Oh yeah, Ray falls off a horse and hurts his leg. That's So Ray, amirite?

i spent way too long on this shitty joke, you have no idea

Undoubtedly, the best part of all the RANCH ACTION is when you see that Lucy is dressed as The Littlest Cowgirl.

Once back inside, the bad guys make their move, whipping out their guns and telling everyone to sit down. J.R. immediately offers them money, but Brian Dennehy and Not Brian Dennehy ain't no criminals, you see. They don't want money, they want justice...for what, you ask? Well, back at that seedy motel, Wanda cooked up a story about being kidnapped and raped so, like, her husband wouldn't beat her to death. "Justice" apparently means raping and kidnapping in kind. I would like to eject this DVD and hurl it directly into the sun.

The phone rings and Brian Dennehy hauls Pam over to answer it and, you know, get whomever's calling off the phone without giving anything away. Pam straight up rolls her eyes at this, and folks, if you didn't know it already, then surely you know it now: Pam is the best. The best out of a bunch of terrible people, sure, but the best nonetheless.

this made my LIFE

It's Bobby calling, and Pam still manages to tip him off that everything is not okay by telling him that everything is totally okay. She mentions that she intends to spend the afternoon playing backgammon with J.R., but everyone knows that Pam and J.R. hate each other! And Pam doesn't even know how to play backgammon! A tricksy one, our Pam.

Despite Jock telling him he's "acting like an old lady," Bobby is worried and decides to head home. Lunch with Punk will just have to wait.

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen suffers the first of many rounds of humiliation when Not Brian Dennehy grabs and kisses her. This spurs Ray and J.R. into action, by which I mean they stand up. After a few quick karate chops from Brian Dennehy, though, they're back down again. All this noise has brought Miss Ellie downstairs, and she's positively aghast at what's going on. I bet all this yelling and chopping and sexual assault is not at all helping her migraine!

good!

Bobby and Jock are held up by a traffic accident, but WHO CARES, the important thing is that the bad guys found a picture of Sue Ellen from that time she won Miss Texas.

another picture to blow up poster-size, obviously

Brian Dennehy decides to take Sue Ellen upstairs so she can find that sash to wear while he assaults her. Not Brian Dennehy sets about choosing who he's gonna take since he's not here for justice, he's just here for a "good time." He homes in on Lucy--after all, she was making those googly eyes at him, and why would she do that if she didn't him? In her fear and desperation, Lucy sells out Pam, basically saying "She used to go out with Ray, so assault her, not me!" But no one wants a lady with blue collar roots, oh my, no. They want a fancy lady for "justice" and a "good time"...a real Ewing.

Sigh. Don't worry. Somehow this episode gets worse!

Sue Ellen and Brian Dennehy return, and then...well, and then this happens:


It's just like Funny Girl, but sprinkled with tears of fear and humiliation, hooray! Ugh, this scene. UGH THIS EPISODE. It's horribly gross and made all the grosser by the fact that the oddness and absolute ridiculousness of it make me laugh. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Pam, ever our heroette, defuses the situation by telling Brian Dennehy that Not Brian Dennehy said that Wanda made everything up. Well, she did sleep with J.R. but there was no kidnapping and she wasn't forced. If that's true, then sure--Brian Dennehy can't assault Sue Ellen in good conscience, it, uh, simply wouldn't be right. "Maybe your justice should come from your wife, not J.R.'s!" chimes in Miss Ellie, and...what exactly is she suggesting here? Can she not be the worst for just one minute?

Not Brian Dennehy reminds everyone again that he's not here for justice and starts to haul Lucy off to her fate when Jock and Bobby storm in, fists a-flyin', day a-savin'. They get a hold of the guns and Jock tells someone to call the sheriff "before I blast these two slobs" and that might just be my favorite thing that anyone has ever said.

Before anyone picks up the phone, however, stupid jerk Miss Ellie says that the bad guys must be let go, that the law cannot be involved. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Like the Ewings couldn't afford the best lawyers in Texas to represent them in a case against these kidnapping would-be rapist slobs? The bad guys walk out the door scot-free, but not before Brian Dennehy suggests that Wanda is really gonna get it when he gets home.

I HATE THIS EPISODE.

After this event-filled afternoon, Jock and Miss Ellie shuffle Lucy off to bed, Bobby and Pam go to their room to talk and hug it out, and Sue Ellen gives J.R. dirty looks while he stares at her. Then she gives Ray some dirty looks and walks out as an instrumental version of "People" plays and I just feel...I feel...

For serious, fuck this episode. I realize that it's very much a product of its time and no one actually got assaulted--wait, yes they did. They weren't raped, but that doesn't matter. Nearly all the women were manhandled and groped and terrorized and kissed against their will. This is one episode of Dallas that ought to be tossed right out with the trash.

Well, except for Miss Ellie's migraine suffering, that was great. And Pam's eyeroll. And the Miss Texas picture. And Jock talking about blastin' slobs. But the rest of the episode gets a nice, big go fuck yourself!