2.18 - THE RED FILE part two

Original airdate: February 9, 1979

Last week's episode "The Red File: Part One" was so exhilarating, it reminded me of biting into a York Peppermint Pattie! The uncomfortable-osity of being confronted with J.R.'s kinks, the thrill of watching Pam leave Southfork and the Ewing family, the shock of Julie Grey's death: I felt all of these sensations and many more. It stands to reason, then, that I anticipated this episode like it was...like it was...well, like it was going to be another York Peppermint Pattie, I suppose. With Cliff in jail, framed for Julie's murder, and Pam striking out on her own, I was ready for fireworks! Did I get 'em? I guess you'll have to read on and see, won't you? 

We are 18 episodes into the second season and Dallas is really pushing the "Bobby beefcake cam" at every opportunity! Whether he's getting dressed or undressed or simply "being casual," he's wearing his shirt unbuttoned an awful lot these days. Oh la la, scandale!

He's been real mad at his family since Pam left, to the point where he's (GASP) not joining the others for breakfast. Jock thinks this is what his son deserves for marrying a Barnes girl, but Miss Ellie can't comprehend why Bobby says he would "resign from the Ewing family if he could." Bobby tells her the family will do anything and hurt anyone in their desire for money and power, and yes, apparently it has only just occurred to him that they're like this. Miss Ellie blows off his concerns, particularly when it comes to the Barneses; Digger would have ended up a drunk even if Jock didn't cheat him out of money and oil rights! J.R. probably didn't frame Cliff for Julie's murder, that's just Cliff looking for a scapegoat! "Don't let your problem with Pam turn you against your own family," she tells him, and it seems that Miss Ellie has finally ascended into her "Mafia Don" final form. I wonder how people felt about her back in 1979. You know, regular weekly viewers. Did they actually like this woman and her husband? The very notion boggles my mind. 

Pam is holed up in a hotel. Well, "holed up" makes it sound as if she's done something wrong, and we all know that she's so not wrong, no one's ever been righter. Or something. The point is, Bobby calls to tell her that The Store wants her to take a leave of absence until this whole "Cliff is a murderer" business blows over. Poor Pam! Her brother framed. Temporarily losing her job. And when she tells her husband that she needs time and space, he says he'll see he later that day and he hangs up. I'm pretty sure Pam and I had the same facial expression through all of this. Just swap out the fancy pink satin bathrobe with my shameful Covid-19 ensemble and this could be a photo of me. Honest!

Bobby isn't the only steamed ham person under the Southfork roof, nor is he the only person who skipped the family breakfast. Sue Ellen is mad about J.R.'s treachery toward Cliff, and she is lounging in bed telling him so.

Sue Ellen is sassin' him real good and givin' him what for with all kinds of "oh, you think you're so big" and the such. I mean, just look at her, also in pink satin! (I wonder if she and Pam got a BOGO deal à la Payless Shoes?) She pushes her luck too far, though, when she plays the "UR just jealous" card, as if that's why J.R. is going through all of this trouble to land Cliff in jail. I'm sure that Sue Ellen's affair with Cliff hurt J.R.'s ego in some way, but it's certainly not because he's so in love with Sue Ellen. And he tells her as much: "Don't flatter yourself, sugar," he says, and goes on to compare her to an oil lease. She's just another disposable Ewing asset. Sue Ellen never gets the last word / sick burn when sparring with her husband, but I sure hope she keeps trying because I live for it.

J.R. also gets into it with Bobby, repeating what he said at the end of the previous episode: Pam's leaving Southfork is no big loss. Bobby is immediately overcome with his patented Eyes of Madness, and I'm shocked no punches were thrown. 

Bobby finally meets up with Pam, who tells him that she's not ready to go back to Southfork yet. First of all, she's only been gone for like ten minutes. Second, her brother is sitting in jail, accused of murder because of someone else who lives at Southfork. And then there are all the other shitty people at Southfork, like Jock, who barely tolerates her. It's a den of snakes! Who can blame her for leaving and staying away? Her husband, that's who, who says she's just looking for excuses. He's there, after all. Isn't that enough reason to come back?

I will point this out now...I have pointed this out in the past...I will point this out again in the future and, I'm sure, later in this very recap: they could just move. They could just move out of Southfork! Bobby could visit his family as often as he pleases, Pam could never see them again unless maybe she felt like being nice at the holidays or something, and they would have the actual freedom to, oh, I don't know, eat fucking breakfast or dinner whenever and wherever they wanted without two crotchety old bastards being all "where were you???? We had breakfast and you weren't there! HOW DARE YOU! Make sure you're here for dinner promptly at six o'clock. Well, for cocktails first and then for drinks." I'm sorry, I'll simply never get over this, even though it's one of the foundations of the show. The only reasonable way for Dallas to end, in my opinion, is with a mushroom cloud to appear over Southfork when Pam (or Sue Ellen or Lucy) has finally had enough. I can't wait!

Bobby (this is a very Bobby-centric episode, much to my chagrin) visits Cliff in the clink and asks how he can help because he's really into the idea of having a friendship with Cliff lately, I guess. Cliff refuses a Ewing lawyer and Ewing money; the only help he'll accept from the family that set him up is them finding out who really killed Julie Grey.

And if it's gonna happen, it'd better happen fast, because we're already in the "examining trial" phase of this saga! I had no idea what that was or if it was real, so I looked it up. It's very real, and it seems to be a Texas thing. Bravo, writers! In the examining trial, witnesses and evidence are presented to a judge, who determines if there was probable cause for the arrest, and whether the case should move before a grand jury. 

District Attorney Sloan--played by Charles Siebert, whom you will recognize immediately because he's been in a million TV shows but you won't be able to recall any of them specifically--gets a doctor to reveal on the stand that Julie had bruises on her arms and her face, as if she'd been grabbed and hit before she died.

Everyone in the peanut gallery looks very sad and uncomfortable about this, especially Sue Ellen, who wants to leave. She can't, though, because J.R. is going to testify and he needs her to play the doting wife. "Look on it as a wonderful lesson in civics," he says with a smirk. "You can help Lucy with her government class." And Sue Ellen and Lucy...

Those two shots are my highlight of the episode, honestly. There have been several instances of Sue Ellen looking at J.R. and others like that and I hope that by the end of this series I have a gallery of them that numbers in the thousands.

J.R.'s testimony sure is incriminating. Julie resigned from Ewing Oil after she had an affair with Cliff and gave him confidential documents that she stole--confidential documents that contained incriminating information on Cliff himself! I feel like that last bit is a lie, but what even is the truth anymore? The tapestry of backstabbings and double-crossings and deceptions and fakeries is never-ending. And so beautiful. 

Cliff's best friend Bobby retrieves Cliff's mail from his apartment and oh ho HO, what's this in Cliff's letter pile? Why, it's that envelope that Julie mailed in "The Red File: Part One"! 

I love that the props folks put very little effort into the other envelopes. Look at the next letter in the pile! That is a truly half-assed attempt at an address.

Our poor Julie may have been a fool for love, but she was not a fool for intrigue! Or something. Anyway, she mailed him a pawn shop ticket and a key to an attaché case. Bobby heads out to retrieve whatever it is while Pam prepares to testify.

Also, can we just talk about the fact that Julie was only in her new apartment for what, a month at most? And already she has either ordered and received personalized stationery OR she got a personalized rubber stamp. Either way, she was truly a glamorous angel and we didn't deserve her. Gone too soon but in our hearts forever, or at least until the next episode. 

Bobby has opened up his shirt again (beefcake alert) for his big pawn shop visit. It turns out that the attaché contains--yes, you guessed it--photocopies of the contents of the titular Red File. Bobby gets a load of the fake will J.R. made for their daddy and heads to Ewing HQ to confront his brother. 

J.R. clarifies in J.R. fashion that it's not a forgery, it's a business maneuver! This doesn't make it okay for Bobby, who asks J.R. flat out if he murdered Julie. "I've never killed anybody in my life," J.R. replies. "Not even in the war!" and...whoa. Whoa, right?? J.R. is a war veteran? What in the Private Benjamin hell?? I want my "J.R. shows up to boot camp in an ascot" prequel now, please. I wonder if this is the first and last we'll hear of this. 

Anyway, J.R. finally tells Bobby about the man in the van, who told him about the message on Cliff's answering machine. But it's also apparent that the man in the van told someone else about the message on Cliff's answering machine. Bobby heads to the man in the van's office to find out about the mystery person(s), and if you assumed that Bobby threatened violence two seconds into the conversation, well, then you've been watching Dallas! 

He finds out that the van man was also working for J.R.'s oil cartel cronies, so he heads to their office to punch talk sense into them. Here we meet another one of Dallas's great bit players, whom I shall call Great Value Jessica Lange. She's the secretary for the cronies, and let me tell you, the actress goes all in and makes the most of her one scene. She is practically eating Bobby with her eyes! And after she tells him that the cronies are heading to the airport to catch a plane to Alaska, he gives her a Benjamin and tells her to buy some more of that perfume she's wearing...and she practically eats that money with her mouth!

Meanwhile, Pam is on the stand. She has obviously tried to camouflage herself by matching the brown tones of the wood paneled courtroom in the hopes that the district attorney wouldn't find her, but alas. She  reluctantly testifies about Cliff's affairs and how he didn't help her when she was blamed for stealing the documents that Julie took from Ewing Oil. 

We see you, girl

It's not looking great for Cliff; the wire tap on his phone may have been illegal, but it seems that the answering machine tape will be entered into evidence regardless. But! Super Bobby called a pal of his who is head of airport security and got him to delay the oil cronies. Bobby confronts them with evidence from the Red File: they've been paying off politicians and doing crooked deals. They tell him that Julie's death was an accident, and Bobby tells them they need to turn themselves in. With a simple confession, they'll get manslaughter. With the Red File evidence, it'd be Murder One, baby! And yes, Bobby has conveniently omitted all the evidence that implicates his own brother in any wrongdoing. 

Dumb and Dumber

The cronies confess, Cliff is free to go, and Bobby won't tell him or Pam what he did or what he found at the pawn shop. In fact, he demands J.R.'s copy of the fake will and he burns them both. "For the first time in my life, I know exactly what you're all about," he tells J.R. Say what? This is the first time? Apparently Bobby has not been watching Dallas.

Pam and Bobby meet up, and Bobby still won't tell her about the Red File. It's fine if they have secrets from each other, so long as they love each other. That's enough, right? I mean, I agree with Bobby here. Everybody knows that the #1 relationship advice is "keep secrets from each other." Keep as many secrets as possible, I say! Are you a werewolf? A vampire? A chupacabra? Don't tell your spouse! Let it be your secret. Just love them, and that will be enough.

I thought Pam would end up back at Southfork for sure, but I never should have doubted my queen. Even though Cliff is free, she's not ready to live under the same roof as J.R. She shouldn't be expected to! Again: they could just move. They don't have to live at Southfork for fuck's sake! But Bobby doesn't understand this at all, and any doubts he had about his family at the beginning of the episode have been totally erased, even though J.R. has been proven to be a slimeball criminal. "I was a Ewing when you married me and I'll be a Ewing until I die," he says. Pam can either get on board with that or not! And reader, he turns around and walks away. He walks away! And leaves Pam there to cry. In that coat!

This terrible ending is even terribler after the dizzying high of the ending of last week's episode. Now we have to see her feeling bad when she absolutely should not feel bad, and next week she'll come crawling back I'm sure. This is an indignity. I knew I should have stopped watching after she peeled out of that driveway! 

2.11 - TRIANGLE

Original airdate: November 26, 1978

Yeah, "Triangle"! Do you guys like triangles and other shapes? I sure hope you do, because this week, it's all about geometry! That's right, we're going to laugh, love, and learn right alongside the Ewings in this very special episode.

The action begins during breakfast at Southfork. J.R. goes on and on and on about Euclid's Elements between bites of bacon. He starts in on isosceles triangles and how they relate to the oil business somehow, but Lucy has had enough. "'Pons asinorum'?" she says. "Talk English, J.R., what does that even mean?"

Sue Ellen chimes in: "It means, uh, 'Bridge of Asses', Lucy." Lucy then gives a cheeky (no pun intended) (actually yes, pun intended) grin and waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

PSYCHE! Ha ha haaaaa, sorry to kill your math boner, NERDS, but the titular triangle ain't about shapes. It's about love! Well, it's not about "love" either, really. Maybe it is about shapes? I'm not really sure, to tell you the truth. I guess it doesn't matter. All I know is that there is minimal Pam to be found herein, and even minimal-er Sue Ellen; in fact, this is a Ray Krebbs-centric episode. That sounds like a nightmare recipe for disaster, doesn't it? Under any other circumstances, you'd be right to be worried. But my friends, "Triangle" is 100% country fried awesome, because it features Kate fucking Mulgrew as local singing phenom Garnet McGee! This is some Calamity Janeway shit, and it has made my life.

The episode opens with one of Garnet's scintillating performances. Pam, Bobby, Lucy, and some doofus Lucy brought are in attendance because Garnet McGee is hot hot hot. They're all shocked to see Garnet stroll on over to Ray Krebbs when her set is over, as am I. Garnet and Ray? Really? No one knew, probably because Ray has been almost entirely absent for like the last ten episodes. Bobby, Lucy, and Doofus are excited to meet Garnet, but Pam plays it cool. She already knows Garnet, see, from their days together as a couple of poors. In fact, Pam tells Bobby that Garnet is nothing more than an opportunist. Why, she even lived with a songwriter once...just for the songs. She's gonna chew up poor ol' Ray and spit him out like a piece of gristle.

But not tonight! No, tonight Ray and Garnet engage in The Act of Lovemaking. Afterward, Garnet presses Ray for some info on Southfork, and he confides in her that Southfork means oh so very much to him. He's been there for almost 20 years, saved from a life of petty crimes and skinniness by Jock Ewing. Then he tells Garnet that he loves her, and she responds by asking if he'll always be poor. She ruminates on her own life of poorness and how she desperately desires to be done with it. "The wantin's like a disease," she says as she nuzzles Ray's naugahyde belly despondently. This can only end well!

The next morning, Lucy tells everyone at the breakfast table about her dreams of becoming a singer. She asks J.R. for some help; after all, he's got connections in the Austin and Nashville music scenes, of course. But he promptly shuts that shit down. She gets no support from anyone, and her pleas of "But I want my life to be interesting!" fall on deaf ears. Actually, that's not true. Everyone hears what she has to say. But they all respond with variations of "forget it," "you'll embarrass the family," "that's absurd," "absolutely not," "no," and "fucking NO." Maybe if she'd busted out the "But I got a lot of claps in the bar that time I was forced to sing by the guy who pretty much kidnapped me, remember? Oh no wait, you were all too goddamn busy celebrating my birthday without me!" it might have worked.

Ah, who am I kidding? These terrible people would never allow Lucy to have her own life and identity! But perhaps things will work out for Lucy after all (yeah right); she tells Ray, "It's not over...not until I say it is," and you guys, I think that glower means business.

That night, there's a party at Southfork for some reason and Ray has brought Garnet as his date. The men fawn over her, but Pam is having none of it. When the two women are left alone, Pam lays it on the line: "You'll use Ray until something better comes along!"

Garnet counters with "Didn't you?" and *sniff sniff* what's that smell? Is this another Ewing Barbecue? No, sorry, it's just the char-broiled scent of Pam getting burnt. Sorry Pam, you know I love you (although what in the Victorian era hell is that hair) but Garnet wins this round of the sass-off.

"Well played, McGee...well played."

J.R. finally gets a load--an eyeload, that is--of Garnet and is immediately smitten, or at least he's immediately turned on. He asks her to dance despite the fact that Ray has staked his claim. Ray looks on all peeved-like, but let's be real. Like I said, all the men at the party are fawning over her and no wonder! She's dressed like a giant baseball for fuck's sake.

Oh and for some reason Lucy is mad at Ray for dating Garnet? Poor Lucy. If there's one character on this show I'd expect to end up committing suicide just to escape her miserable life, it's her.

The next morning, Jock summons Ray into his office to ask about his life plans. Ray tells him he's simply waiting for the right moment to ask Garnet to marry him, and of course Jock makes this all about himself. What about Southfork? Will Ray leave because he'll be starting his own family? Ray's unsure about his future, but Jock's got a plan: he hands Ray a deed to some Southfork land, solely to ensure that he'll never want to leave. He actually says that, that he wants Ray to stay at Southfork forever. I don't know about you, but all of this "stay here forever and ever" shit that Jock and Miss Ellie keep spewing makes me think of one thing and one thing only.

I mean, right? Also, I know I am showing some A+ Photoshop skills there, you don't have to tell me about it.

J.R. takes Garnet to lunch and tries to woo her into some post-lunch coitus, but she is unimpressed...or, she's smart enough to know that she should play unimpressed. No one ever makes J.R. give chase for long, so to maximize her winnings when they eventually do the Dew deed (because of course they will), she strings him along a bit and plays up the nonchalance.

That evening, we finally get an extended Garnet McGee performance and...holy shit, she's terrible!


Mind you, I may think she's terrible but clearly J.R. does not. Or maybe he does think she's terrible but not so much that he doesn't still want to get McGee in the McSack. Sadly, I am not privy to J.R.'s inner monologue, so I can only surmise. At any rate, over breakfast he sets a scheme in motion to get Ray out of the picture for a day or two by sending him to Odessa in pursuit of some amazing bull that's purportedly for sale.

Before he leaves town, Ray stops by Garnet's place; now that he's a landowner, he wants to get married right this second and he can't understand why she's not immediately excited to be his wife. She tries to explain that she's got shit to do: dreams to achieve, gigs to perform, her own life to live, etc, and she's giving him all she's capable of giving him right now. This gives Ray the sads, but not me! I love that one of the emerging themes in the series is that some women don't want to define themselves by their husbands or boyfriends. They are people! People with marginal talent maybe, but people nonetheless. Hooray for the late 70s!

J.R. is so super hot for Garnet that he's called her to his office at Ewing Oil to talk about a contract offer he's got for her. He'll use Ewing money to jumpstart her career (he's already booked studio time with a bigshot producer) in exchange for 25% of her earnings from all sources...and "exclusive use of her services" for as long as he wants. He basically wants to make her a country-croonin' hooker! But Garnet McGee is not outraged, nor is she offended. Remember, she's got that wantin' disease, and if sleeping with J.R. is the cure, then she'll do it. "Ten percent," she counters, and they smile deviously at each other. Game recognizes game, y'all!

(Meanwhile, in Odessa, Ray is just discovering that the bull deal was nothing but bull crap. He's been had! And so he heads back to Dallas...dun dun dunnnnnnn....)

Lucy shows up in J.R.'s office while he's "down in the labs" (awesome, I so want to see the Ewing Oil labs). She takes the opportunity to do a bit of snooping and reads the Garnet McGee contract that's just a-layin' there on his desk. We get a good long look at it, just in case we forgot the terms that were laid out 30 seconds prior.

When her uncle returns, Lucy pleads her case once more: won't he help her get a foot in the door of the music business? And once more, J.R. tells her no dice. Then she brings up the contract she just peeped; she doesn't want to blackmail him, but come on man, really won't he help her please? J.R. tells her that there's nothing untoward in that contract, so she can tell whomever she wants all about it...and besides, if she does tell, well then she'll be just like her mother: "a scheming, blackmailing little tramp." I'm pretty sure my face looked just like Lucy's when he busted out that little buttnugget of mean.

Sorry, I don't know what a "buttnugget" is...I certainly don't want to imply that J.R. took a dump at his desk

That evening, J.R. heads to Garnet's to collect his first installment of nookie. Oh, and remember that he's got a pregnant wife? Yeah, she's been in bed all day with a case of the baby barfs. Miss Ellie kind of tries to talk to her and Sue Ellen plays the "patient wife" card and they both obviously know that he's out cheating on her at that very moment and it's pretty depressing.

J.R. and Garnet enjoy some post-coital poker (as you do) and bond a bit over their mutual greed; she's greedy because she grew up with nothing, and he's greedy because he wants to be. Then J.R. tells her she needs to dump Ray, and he latches onto her neck to initiate nookie installment #2, and it's just the grossest thing. Garnet seems to have one of those stark "What the fuck is my life?" moments, but it quickly passes.

Ray has finally returned to Southfork and he's gearing up to head into town when Lucy shows up. Ah geez, you guys, she does the tiny sex goblin thing again. Lucy, no! I thought that was all behind us. Way, way behind us!

To his credit (and my relief), Ray begs off, reiterating that their tryst is over for good, that it was a mistake, blah blah blah. In her angry disappointment, Lucy blurts out the news about the contract and tells him that Garnet and J.R. and out there somewhere having a tryst of their own. An ominous piano plays and Ray storms out! Lucy starts yelling and shrieking about how she didn't mean to say anything and oh no disaster is imminent. Pam comes out to see what all the fuss is about, and Ray says that while Bobby may have taken Pam from him, J.R. ain't gonna take Garnet. It's so dramatic!

Ray speeds off into the night. Pam tells Bobby what's up and he speeds off after Ray.

But Bobby's not fast enough! Ray shows up at Casa de the Most Hideous Fucking Wallpaper Ever and punches J.R. He punches him in the face! He punches him in the face twice! He punches him in the face twice and then starts strangling him! Ray has lost it, you guys.

Bobby arrives before Ray can actually murder J.R., but man, Ray is done. He is sweaty and he's done!

He's fed up and totally tired of the Ewings using their Ewing money to buy whatever and whomever they want. "I'm clearin' out!" he says, and clear out he does. Ray clear out! Ray mad! Ray so mad he...he...

"Rarrrrrr!"

Bobby catches up with him outside and plays the "What about Jock?" card, and again, to Ray's credit (and my relief) he tells Bobby that he don't owe Jock shit. But then J.R. comes out and tells Ray he has to leave Southfork by morning, so Ray is all "Well if you want me to go, then I'm not goin'!" If J.R. wants Ray gone, he can try to get Jock to fire him. And so Southfork maintains its hold on another victim.

The next morning, it's a new day, because that's how time works. But also it's a new day in Ray's brain, you know, like with a fresh outlook or whatever. Holding his deed, he gazes out over his little chunk of land with pride. Lucy rides up and apologizes, and asks if they can be friends because she really doesn't have any. To make this sad moment even sadder, the camera pulls back and we see the land Ray has been looking at, the parcel given to him by Jock as a reward for 20 years of service. It's some dirt and a tree! So very generous. But no matter. Like everyone else, Ray will be here forever...and ever...and ever...

2.6 - DOUBLE WEDDING

Original airdate: October 22, 1978

Now, now,  don't go getting all excited by that episode title. Ain't no weddings taking place today, never mind two of 'em. In fact, "Double Wedding" is about three minutes' worth of plot dragged out over 48 minutes, so I'm gonna do things a bit differently this week. This is like a Dallas speed round because to go beat by beat through this episode would drown us in boredom...trust me. I mean, look at this shit, this episode should be called "People Looking at Pieces of Paper":

Okay, so you actually might want to know what happens in this episode, right? "What are all those papers!" you cry, unable to bear the suspense. Well here you go:

This guy shows up in Dallas one day and claims to be Pam's husband. She's all WHAT, NO and he's all WHAT, YES. They got married when Pam was in Mexico on a cheerleading trip (hot!) when she was like 16 or 17, but Digger had it annulled like five seconds after he and Pam got back to Dallas. The guy didn't know because he was in 'Nam (!), in a P.O.W. camp for years (!!) and then spent years in the hospital for "nerves and strain" (!!!) upon his return. Now he's back after a communication-less ten years and he wants Pam. Seems reasonable!

There are a lot of "where are those dang annulment papers?" scenes which, as you can imagine, cause much stress for everyone. Well, stress for Pam and Bobby anyway. J.R. learns of everything (OF COURSE) and sees it as an opportunity to get rid of that Barnes woman for good. Pam's first husband--I'll call him "Ed Haines" because that's the character's name--finds out about the J.R./Bobby tension and decides to use the potential scandal to get some blackmail money. Bobby's first project as a constructioneer (new word) is jeopardized because it's for a church group and this particular church is not into bigamy.

Oh! Then in a scene eerily reminiscent of the final sequence in Lucio Fulci's classic Italian horror film Zombie (aka Zombi 2 (don't ask),1979), a roving pack of the undead ambles towards the city. This, of course, is how the Dallas spinoff Zoms Landing came about.

Anyway, yeah, the annulment paper search takes pretty much the entire episode (Ed Haines stole copies and paid off town clerks, you see), and then it all wraps up in two seconds after Pam decides to call Haines's bluff. He splits town, the end.

For all its meh-ness, "Double Wedding" manages to haul out more than a few of my Dallas favorites, both recurring and brand new. For example: "Some slob is trying to run a scam!" - Bobby

Gawd, I wish someone would use the word "slob" in every single episode.

Then there's this nosy eavesdroppin' woman in the bar:

She doesn't say a word, opting instead to pretty much just stare at the camera. She is my past, my present, and my future.

Bobby threatens violence...several times!

Sue Ellen lovingly cradles booze in several scenes and throws shade nearly as often. Just look at the perfection of this boozed up sass face!

Bobby's "had enough" counter face is the best

Pam is at the height of her white hotness in this episode, looking super gorgeous and serving up perfect hair. I know it won't last much longer (the early 80s were so unkind to hairstyles), so we need to give her props while we still can.

Pam can still get it

Cliff shows up at Southfork to see Pam and Bobby, and he and Sue Ellen make eyes at each other and flirt so hard my pants caught on fire.

And that's pretty much it. I know. It's not much. And while it wasn't completely boring to watch, necessarily, it's pretty boring in the telling. But next week...next week's episode ("Runaway") is delicious. See you then, slobs!