2.12 - FALLEN IDOL

Original airdate: December 3, 1978

Everybody knows that the best thing about steamy 80s nighttime soaps is all the middle-aged dudes talking about business...so that's how the episode grabs ya right from the start. Bobby is off to a meeting with an architect while J.R. talks on the phone to some oil crony named Jeb. The important thing here is that we're midway into the second season and J.R.'s eyebrows have really taken on a life of their own. Does he comb them that way to make himself seem more evil? Does he subconsciously twirl them as an old-timey villain twirls his moustache? Who can say. All I know for sure is that they are two luscious feathered caterpillars crawling up to Heaven, and I love them.

En route to his big important meeting, Bobby is waylaid by a fluffy-haired old college pal who went–and probably still goes–by the charming nickname "Guzzler." Bobby cancels his big important meeting in favor of lunch with Guzzler, where they look at the football Bobby carried for 80 yards to win the sports match and Guzzler sexually harasses their waitress. In the midst of all their reminiscin', Bobby says "We had some good times." Then they exchange these tender looks. "Good times?" Tender looks? Obviously they were secret lovers in college.

Bobby insists that Guzzler stay at Southfork while he's in town on business despite the fact that it's a huge inconvenience for him. But the Ewings always get what they want, so that night at dinner Guzzler entertains everyone with his tales of womanizing and other things he's done whilst womanizing. Well, J.R. isn't entertained, he thinks Guzzler talks too much. And Pam isn't impressed by the bravado either, which can only mean one thing: PAM EYEROLL right at the table in the middle of a story because she rules so hard.

J.R. has had enough and splits before everyone retreats for post-dinner cocktails. Instead of going with her husband, Sue Ellen says bye because she finds Guzzler "fascinating." Now, I was about to lose my mind here because I thought Sue Ellen had better judgment than that (yes, even considering she married J.R.), but I should have known: it's a ruse! She finds a quiet corner and calls Cliff to arrange some A.S.A.P. Afternoon Delight.

Everyone* chimes in to let Guzzler know he's so great and he simply must stay at Southfork for as long as he wants and they're all so excited–especially Lucy, who practically melts into a pile of googly eyes and hair at the prospect of 24 hour access to Unkie Guzz.

*EVERYONE EXCEPT PAM, who gives the whole idea some side eyes so sharp they will cut a bitch. It added 30 years to my life and then took away 50. Yes, I'm dead right now and it was totally worth it.

forever my queen

The next day, Bobby takes Guzzler to one of his new construction sites to show off and get some advice since Guzzler is a big businessman building big high-rises in big Venezuela. Guzzler sort of kind of manipulates Bobby into straight-up asking for help and proposing a partnership, and gosh I sure hope that the title of this episode isn't some kind of spoiler about how it will all work out! For now, everything is super just like old times, and so Bobby and the Guzz (I suddenly wish that was a spin-off show) head out to celebrate.

They stay out until the wee hours and return to Southfork completely plastered. After Bobby passes out, Guzzler attempts to put the moves on Pam. Can you believe the nerve? He is not worthy of receiving her withering glares, never mind any sexnanigan-related kindnesses! After a wee bit o' struggle, Pam's NO MEANS FUCKING NO finally gets through Guzzler's fluffy head. Or does it? The next morning, he's back to teasing and flirting and it's just gross. Of course, no one mentions the crap he tried to pull the night before.

 just no

Oh, and speaking of sexnanigan-related kindnesses, Sue Ellen's Day of the Nookie is here and so she blasts off in her Battle Wagon to go get some. There is just not enough Sue Ellen in this episode, I'll tell you right now.

Meanwhile, J.R. has brought some oil dudes out to Southfork to reassure his cronies that there is, in fact, a shit ton of oil lurking under the ground, just a-waitin' to be drilled into. You see, J.R. has told these guys that Jock amended his will to allow drilling on Southfork land after he's dead, but Miss Ellie doesn't know anything about it, so all this talkin' and prospectin' must be kept secret. The real secret, as you may imagine, is that it's a fake will. That J.R., such a schemer! This seems like too much, even for him. He can't possibly pull this one off, can he?

Bobby tells Pam about his new partnership with Guzzler and Pam is not having it. Didn't Bobby want to go into business for himself? Isn't that why he fought with his family? Why is Guzzler playing such a big role all of a sudden? Bobby pulls out the "UR just jealous" argument, suggesting that Pam doesn't want to share Bobby's attentions. Pam is really not having this shit. Unfortunately for Bobby (but fortunately for us) she's got her collar popped and she's wearing her take-no-nonsense vest. She busts out a "Don't flatter yourself!" and I swear, I felt the Earth tilt on its axis.

Dallas sure does love to play with our emotions, though. One moment we experience the dizzying high of popped-collar Pam going off, and the next we experience the puke-inducing low of Guzzler hitting on Lucy by the pool. "Women are like snowflakes," he tells her. "Every one is different, and every one is beautiful. Also they have a lot of corners. Sometimes they melt, and sometimes they pile up–they pile up really high, Lucy. Really high."

Okay maybe I made up some of his awful snowflake speech, but that's only to distract myself from the fact that it's all caused Lucy's tiny sex goblin powers to activate and she suggests that she and Guzzler go somewhere and, you know, do it. Hold on, I have to shudder and dry-heave for a few minutes.

Unfortunately for them (but fortunately for us), Pam enters the scene and she's still got on her vest. TGIPam! She shuts this shit down right quick with some cocked brows and sarcastic comments.

Lucy slithers away to take a cold shower while Guzzler and Pam have it out. He gives her a sad tale about how hard he had it growing up and how he only has good intentions when it comes to Bobby: "I love Bobby...if a man can use that word about another man nowadays without it sounding dirty." Yes, Guzzler has thrown down a late-70s NO HOMO. Fortunately for him (and unfortunately for us), Pam buys it! She suddenly sees Guzzler in a new, more sympathetic light, which means that J.R. is our last anti-Guzz hope. I believe in the power of his eyebrows.

I also believe in the power of his eclectic desk art collection, because I can't get enough of it. I imagine him spotting that snail at Pier 1 Imports or in the homegoods aisle of TJ Maxx and he's like yes. Yes, I love this snail, I must have it and I will put it right on my desk so I can see it all the time. I'll put it next to my choo-choo.

Guzzler's big idea is to put a shopping center on a remote strip of Southfork land and as you might guess, Miss Ellie takes some convincing. Oh the purity and beauty of Southfork and her daddy loved the land and blah blah blah. Once Jock reminds her that it'll make Bobby super happy, though, she's in. The only thing she loves more than the land is her sons. YEAH WE KNOW, MISS ELLIE, SOUTHFORK AND YOUR SONS ARE ALL YOU TALK ABOUT.

Things begin to spiral out of control as Guzzler's vision of the shopping center grows. It began as a market and maybe a dry cleaner, but now Guzzler has three major "first-class" department stores on board, an underground parking facility planned...it's gonna be "the biggest thing to happen since the invention of the hot dog!" So, you know, obviously very, very big. LIKE HOT DOG HUGE YOU GUYS.

The hot dog huge problem with Guzzler's plan, however, is that the site of the future Shopping Mall of America is where J.R. intends to drill after Jock dies. Of course, this is a secret plan, so he must rectify the situation in the best way he knows how: nefariously. He hires a private investigator to look into Guzzler's background, and while that dirt is dug he placates the grumblings of Jeb and the Holograms with a resounding SLAP. Literally! Jeb makes vague threats against Bobby should he not back down from his development deal, and J.R. counters with a backhand. Nobody threatens a Ewing!

The private investigation results are in: Guzzler is a scammer, a broke crook! He sets up these development deals everywhere and then splits town, leaving investors in the lurch. Apparently authorities in Montana want to question him. Overall it seems that Bobby is just another mark. J.R. shares this info with Pam, of all people, because he thinks she's the one who might be able to talk some sense into Bobby. She decides to talk to Guzzler first, though, and here's where I feel the first stirrings of pity for the man: look at this tropical monstrosity of a bedroom they've forced him to stay in!

Pam really lays into him and gives him what for, and Guzzler busts out another sad tale, this one about how he peaked in college, burned out young, and his life has been a big mess ever since. Once again Pam's big heart gets the better of her and ultimately she's unsure how to proceed. But her worries are short-lived: Bobby has been awake this whole time and more to the point, he's known about Guzzler's troubles the whole time. This partnership was meant to be a "way back" for Bobby's college hero, for him to get his life on track and be something more like the man he was. But the Southfork development is too much, and Bobby has decided to find another project for them to work on.

But it's too late! Guzzler has called a cab and is ready to depart for Venezuela–or wherever he's really going–and Bobby will have to make do without him. He's just too important and too needed elsewhere! Bobby leaves the partnership offer on the table and the men hug each other for their lives but don't worry, it's still NO HOMO. Their undying love for each other must remain unspoken for another day.

Aside from Lucy's googly eyes, this episode is simply not salacious enough for me. Sue Ellen appears for maybe a minute, and while J.R. does get in a good smack to Jeb's smug face, he's fairly subdued overall. If it weren't for Pam's ire gettin' all up, it would be rather dreadful. Still, there are lessons to be learned. The characters all learned that saving face is the most important thing of all, while we learned that Bobby-centric episodes are a fucking drag. Wait, I bet we already knew that, didn't we?

2.10 - ACT OF LOVE

Original airdate: November 19, 1978

I tell you what, it's more like "Act of Everyone is an Adulterer" up in here, because there's a lot of...you know...adulterin' to be adulterated. But we'll get to that in good time. For now, there are far more important things going on, such as OLD PEOPLE NEWS: THE MORNING EDITION. This just in: Jock Ewing rises early, enjoys juice as creepy wife looks on.

It's just another Manic Whateverday at Southfork! Jock drinks his aforementioned juice, Pam and Bobby both scramble to get to work, and Lucy and Sue Ellen argue about whether or not Lucy should have her own car. This argument doesn't work out in Lucy's favor, but oh, it so does work out in mine. First, their harping on each other so early in the morning nets us a glorious Pam eyeroll, performed daringly on-the-fly...with juice.

Then a few moments later, as Lucy whines to Jock, Linda Gray nearly breaks character.

She pulls it together, but the whole scene is really strange. It's seemingly one long, continuous take as actors move in and out of frame and the camera pans around trying to catch it all; it's both very theater-feeling and very modern-feeling. Kudos to the director for trying something new, but it's jarring. Way more jarring (and depressing), though, is that the bulk of the scenes at Southfork are now filmed on a soundstage. Why, those fields, they're not fields...they're matte paintings! Sure, sure, it saves costs. But I care not for costs! I care because everything feels flimsy and fake and it sucks. I took those location shots for granted. Damn you, me!

But enough about that, it's lunchtime. You know what that means: Cliff is having lunch. Or, more to the point, he's waiting for someone to join him before he lunches. Pam is having lunch at the same restaurant with some girls from The Store, and as she and her brother chat a bit, in walks Sue Ellen. GASP this is person Cliff was waiting for! Pam then chats with her for a bit, and it's super awkward, not least of all because what in the Grimace hell is Sue Ellen wearing.

Sue Ellen pulls the ol' "I was just leaving" bit, but she and Cliff exchange some meaningful "Aw dang, we were gonna do it" looks before she leaves.

Meanwhile, Bobby is engaged in some meeting and something something business funds blueprints business it's all too much for my woman brain. But I don't even care because Bobby's meeting with Nicolas Coster, who of course played Lionel Lockridge (son of Minx Lockridge) on television's Santa Barbara.

Santa Barbara was the shit! Hmm, maybe I should start a Santa Barbara blog next...

*sees there were 2137 episodes*
*shoots self*

J.R. is off to Washington, D.C. for a few days to look after the Ewings' political interests somehow. Later that night, after everyone is asleep, Sue Ellen calls Cliff Barnes to let him know that come the next morning they'll be free to enjoy several days' worth of...of...well, I'm not sure exactly, but the saxophone music that plays hints that it will be something sexy!

The next day at Ewing Oil, Bobby is something something businessing again, but this time I can understand some of the words: he's going to throw a party at Southfork to impress someone who has money or something, and Pam absolutely, onehundredpercently must be the hostess. The whole deal hinges on it, which obviously makes total sense.

I was right! Sue Ellen and Cliff are totally engaging in sexnanigans! Sue Ellen pulls out all the stops, including booze and a black negligee. Also, they have apparently been meeting in secret and gettin' it on for six weeks now, what the heck! Why didn't they tell us?

(Aside: did you know Mrs. Robinson's famously sexy leg on The Graduate movie poster actually belongs not to Anne Bancroft, but to Linda Gray? It's true, dazzle your friends with trivia!)

Pam is freaking out over the very important party because she's never thrown a very important party before. She asks Sue Ellen to lunch to ask her advice, but Sue Ellen is cranky. She's wasting valuable doin' it time having lunch with Pam! She consoles herself with some booze, but not before being snarky with Pam. Sue Ellen needs to relax...she's been Cliffmatized and if she keeps acting up, it's only gonna be a matter of time before someone finds out.

In D.C., J.R. is having his own weekend tryst with an anonymous blonde and OH GOD HE'S WEARING A SATIN SHORTIE KIMONO WHY

Sue Ellen and Cliff take a little walk and try to assess this affair they're having. Do they really like each other, or are they only canoodling to get back at J.R.? Cliff picks her a hideous flower and tells her that's what she can expect from him because he ain't rich. Sue Ellen agrees ("You Barneses are disgustingly poor!") but she's into it regardless.

Over at The Store, Pam gets a promotion, hooray Pam! She's a buyer now, see, which means she absolutely must go to Paris for a few days to see some fashion shows. In a shocking twist, she has to leave for Europe two days before Bobby's very important party. "Uh oh," I assume Pam thinks to herself.

The dinner table is half empty that night. J.R. is away on business having an affair, Sue Ellen is out with girlfriends having an affair, and Lucy is staying over at a friend's having and affair staying over at a friend's. This is one night out of a million nights, but Jock laments that the family is falling apart and as always I want to puke.

Pam tries to talk to Bobby about the impending trip to Paris, but then she remembers that the very important party is very important and she wimps out.

Sue Ellen visits the doctor the next day because she's been feeling out of sorts. Perhaps her Cliffmatization has led to difficulties and/or complications! Yes, we all know that the blood test results will reveal that she's come down with a case of the babies, but this shit has to get dragged out so we wait.

Bobby goes to see Pam's boss Liz at The Store and asks for her assistance in picking out a dress for Pam, for she has a very special occasion coming up. In a classic Three's Company-style mix-up, Bobby thinks Liz is talking about the very important party, and Liz thinks Bobby is talking about Paris. Of course, Bobby doesn't even know about Paris...until Liz tells him when they're leaving. "Uh oh," I assume Bobby thinks to himself.

Back at Southfork, Lucy is still bitching about her lack of wheels. Well, I should say her lack of a car...I don't mean she laments that she does not have wheels on her person, but holy shit that would be so awesome if she did.

Sue Ellen gets a phone call. It's the doctor and SURPRISE she's pregnant. Yup, after allllllll this time of fruitless fornication with her husband, she's become a human nesting doll. Everyone is happy, it's finally happened! Jock calls J.R. and when Sue Ellen tells him, even he seems happy about it, promising to book a flight home in the morning.

"I love you, J.R.," Sue Ellen says.
"Take care," he replies.

Pam and Bobby have a chat that night. He hopes that the baby will ease tensions between him and J.R., that maybe they can act like brothers for once. Then they talk about how much Pam loves her job. She says it makes her feel good, like a real person, and that next to him it's the most important thing in her life. This time, Bobby might just get it, you guys. Progress.

The next day, Sue Ellen takes another stroll with Cliff to tell him about the baby and to break off the affair. He's not convinced that the kid isn't his, but he says that it doesn't really matter. She ain't gonna give up those sweet Ewing dollas for the likes of him, but he does really care for her regardless. And she totally cares for him, or at least she cares for those GD awful flowers.

That night, Bobby presents Pam with the dress he bought her for...her trip to Paris! Yes, he wants her to go to Paris. But Pam is all "Thanks, but I want to stay here for the very important party." Wow, this is some O. Henry shit!

Meanwhile, Sue Ellen celebrates her pregnancy in the traditional manner by having some booze. Like Cliff, J.R. finds the whole timeline dubious. Now she's pregnant? Now, after all this time? When they hardly even fornicate anymore? She assures him that heh heh heh, she's been "just as faithful" to their marriage vows as he has, and really, the only thing he cares about is a Ewing heir anyway.

J.R. slaps her (!) and when he tells her that he'll do whatever he wants, Sue Ellen counters with an oh yeah, motherfucker?, saying "I finally have something that you want." Whether or not it's his baby, he's stuck claiming it as his own to save face. "Chances are it's yours, J.R.," she says and walks out. Aww yeah, Sue Ellen's got the power. Finally. It won't last long, but man is it nice to see a freeze frame on J.R.'s face when he's put in his place. "Uh oh," I assume J.R. thinks to himself.

2.9 - SURVIVAL

Original airdate: November 12, 1978

A plane crashes in a swamp. Tears squirt out. Faces get slapped. Hugs get hugged. This week's episode has all the drama of a Lifetime movie, and I am not complaining one little bit.

"Survival" begins in New York City, where Pam is on a business trip with Liz Craig. Bobby calls and gives her grief because she didn't accompany him on his business trip, and she's working way too much, and wah wah he's such an insecure manbaby I could puke. Why can't he see that Pam is a True Professional Lady? She doesn't mess around! She's so competent, she even brings every pen she owns and her glass rolling pin to the hotel on this business trip.

I mean, I assume Pam brought all those pens. If I'm wrong, I don't wanna be right! Or something.

Their business meetings concluded, Bobby and J.R. are about to leave New Orleans in a puddle jumper when the pilot tries to beg off. There's a mighty storm a-brewin' out there, and it could mean trouble! J.R., however, waits for no man. J.R. waits for no weather! They take off even though it's a bad idea, and I, for one, am glad. The stormy weather really brings out the evil in J.R.'s magnificent eyebrows.

At Southfork, Jock is told for the millionth time by his doctor and Miss Ellie that he's still recovering from his bypass and he needs to "go easy" lest he keel over. Meanwhile, LUCY'S HAIR. WHAT IS IT AND WHY.

"Yeah, I tied a bunch of weeds from the yard in my hair. I'm so fucking bored in this house. Please kill me!"

Cliff Barnes is at his office doing lawyer stuff when guess who walks in. Here's a hint:

Wait, that's not a hint, that's the answer. Yes, Sue Ellen has shown up at Cliff's, and when she walked in I let out one of those "ooooOOOOO!" sounds you heard from the audience on, like, Married With Children whenever someone did or said something naughty.

Supposedly she's there to enlist Cliff in helping her track down the Black Market Mama that J.R. drove out of town because Sue Ellen still wants that baby. Cliff says there's absolutely no way she can adopt a baby without J.R.'s consent, but in order to cheer her up he'll take her to lunch. ooooOOOOO!

By the way, there's been a sort of running theme in Dallas so far, that Cliff is really into lunch. I love this.

Oh hey, that plane is going down, J.R.'s menacing eyebrows and all! Uh oh. I sure hope that two of the show's major characters survive!

Miss Ellie gets a call that the plane has dropped off the radar and has most likely crashed in a swamp. She immediately launches Operation: Really Fucking Bad Idea, which entails no one telling Jock lest he, you know, keel over from the news. Miss Ellie commands everyone to go on Emotional Lockdown and pretend that nothing is wrong. Yes, even you, Pam, who (uggggghh) returned home from New York early to assuage the feelings of your manbaby husband. Sure, he's probably dead...but wash away your Sadness Tear® and act like everything is fine! That's really what Miss Ellie tells her to do. Miss Ellie is still the absolute worst.

Okay, maybe this Dollar Tree Carmen Sandiego-meets-Charlie Chaplin hat is the worst. But still, Miss Ellie sucks!

Sue Ellen and Cliff are having a grand ol' time at lunch. She's boozing it up, he's charming it up, and they're primed and ready for some Afternoon Delight, nawmean?

Their plans to do it are thwarted when Sue Ellen calls Southfork; she was hoping to tell J.R. that she'd be home late, but now he's inconveniently (and inconsiderately) gone missing. She has to rush home, but she promises Cliff that they'll have their afternoon "some other time." ooooOOOOO!

Dinner at Southfork that night is super tense. Everyone has to scramble to keep Jock in the dark. They tell him that the storm over New Orleans kept Bobby and J.R. there for another night, and that phone lines there are down. It's bad enough that Jock is clueless about what's really going on, but Pam and Sue Ellen being forced to engage in small talk? Miss Ellie, what a twisted game you play! Well, Sue Ellen doesn't seem to mind so much so long as the booze is flowin'.

flawless queen

Lucy has snuck off to make a few calls. She's hoping to track down her father Gary because she thinks he should be here in this time of crisis. Sue Ellen catches her and hangs up the phone, and then they get into it. Sue Ellen calls Lucy's motivations into question, thinking she just wants her father to take over Southfork if J.R. and Bobby are dead. Lucy reminds Sue Ellen that she's not actually a Ewing, and if her husband is dead she'll be thrown out on her ass. There's a lot of scowling on both sides. It's pretty great.

Later, Ray forms a posse to keep reporters off of Ewing property. Miss Ellie reminds Jock yet again that he needs to take it easy.

And Sue Ellen is pretty blitzed.

Pam comes in to check on her, but Sue Ellen is in full-on drunken soliloquy mode, which nets us two eyerolls from Pam. In other words, I love this scene so much.

While Pam eyerolls are the best, I must admit that Sue Ellen's speech is pretty insightful. She realizes that her entire identity is based solely on her husband: everything she has and everything she is is because of J.R.. She's nothing except "Mrs. J.R. Ewing" and he doesn't even love her. If she loses him, she loses herself. I tell ya, it's the most self-reflection anyone on this show has ever (or probably will ever) engage in!

Then Sue Ellen takes it too far and starts projecting her insecurities and self-loathing onto Pam, calling her a gold digger and saying she's never had anything that a man didn't give her. Pam is all WHAT? BITCH I WORK and smacks her. She smacks her! And whoa...Pam's final Not the One form is fucking terrifying.

A pesky reporter finds a way past Ray's posse and shows up at the front door. Miss Ellie brandishes both a shotgun and righteous anger to shoo him away...and while the shooing works, Jock has overheard everything. Miss Ellie cops to lying to him, and although he gets teary-eyed, Jock does not, in fact, keel over.

Miss Ellie blah blah blahs at Pam about her sons and how wonderful they were and surely still are while Jock springs into action by, uh, telling Ray to spring into action. Ray's gonna go up in a chopper, see, and find those boys. He just needs to look for anything in a group of three--three rocks, three sticks, three evil eyebrows, etc--because "put things in a group of three" is a survival tip he gave J.R. when he was a kid.

You know, that info might have been useful to the search party that started looking for the plane for 20 hours ago. It might be useful to them now! But only Ray gets to hear it, because I guess Jock wants to keep even the search and rescue operation in the family.

But not the whole family! Lucy brings up calling Gary to fill him in on his missing brothers, and Jock basically tells her to go screw.

But no matter! Super Ray finds J.R. and Bobby in no time. No word on the pilot, so I guess he's either dead or alive depending on whether you're a glass half full type or not. But really, the fucking plane was totally obliterated and none of them would have walked away from it in real life. I mean:

But walk away they do, and the boys return to Southfork looking not all that much worse for wear.

Everyone is happy for the moment. For some reason Miss Ellie says, "Maybe now we can be a family again!" and Sue Ellen gives her the best "Dafuq?" face of all time.

I so, so wish the episode had ended with a freeze frame of that, but it goes on for another minute as everyone goes inside and Lucy scoffs at the idea that J.R. might need anything from his wife. It's a weird downbeat ending, especially after all the high-stakes drama throughout the episode. Not that anyone with half a brain would ever think that Bobby or J.R. would die in a plane crash in a swamp, of course. I'm talking all that booze, all the tears, all the slapping...what a rush!