2.18 - THE RED FILE part two

Original airdate: February 9, 1979

Last week's episode "The Red File: Part One" was so exhilarating, it reminded me of biting into a York Peppermint Pattie! The uncomfortable-osity of being confronted with J.R.'s kinks, the thrill of watching Pam leave Southfork and the Ewing family, the shock of Julie Grey's death: I felt all of these sensations and many more. It stands to reason, then, that I anticipated this episode like it was...like it was...well, like it was going to be another York Peppermint Pattie, I suppose. With Cliff in jail, framed for Julie's murder, and Pam striking out on her own, I was ready for fireworks! Did I get 'em? I guess you'll have to read on and see, won't you? 

We are 18 episodes into the second season and Dallas is really pushing the "Bobby beefcake cam" at every opportunity! Whether he's getting dressed or undressed or simply "being casual," he's wearing his shirt unbuttoned an awful lot these days. Oh la la, scandale!

He's been real mad at his family since Pam left, to the point where he's (GASP) not joining the others for breakfast. Jock thinks this is what his son deserves for marrying a Barnes girl, but Miss Ellie can't comprehend why Bobby says he would "resign from the Ewing family if he could." Bobby tells her the family will do anything and hurt anyone in their desire for money and power, and yes, apparently it has only just occurred to him that they're like this. Miss Ellie blows off his concerns, particularly when it comes to the Barneses; Digger would have ended up a drunk even if Jock didn't cheat him out of money and oil rights! J.R. probably didn't frame Cliff for Julie's murder, that's just Cliff looking for a scapegoat! "Don't let your problem with Pam turn you against your own family," she tells him, and it seems that Miss Ellie has finally ascended into her "Mafia Don" final form. I wonder how people felt about her back in 1979. You know, regular weekly viewers. Did they actually like this woman and her husband? The very notion boggles my mind. 

Pam is holed up in a hotel. Well, "holed up" makes it sound as if she's done something wrong, and we all know that she's so not wrong, no one's ever been righter. Or something. The point is, Bobby calls to tell her that The Store wants her to take a leave of absence until this whole "Cliff is a murderer" business blows over. Poor Pam! Her brother framed. Temporarily losing her job. And when she tells her husband that she needs time and space, he says he'll see he later that day and he hangs up. I'm pretty sure Pam and I had the same facial expression through all of this. Just swap out the fancy pink satin bathrobe with my shameful Covid-19 ensemble and this could be a photo of me. Honest!

Bobby isn't the only steamed ham person under the Southfork roof, nor is he the only person who skipped the family breakfast. Sue Ellen is mad about J.R.'s treachery toward Cliff, and she is lounging in bed telling him so.

Sue Ellen is sassin' him real good and givin' him what for with all kinds of "oh, you think you're so big" and the such. I mean, just look at her, also in pink satin! (I wonder if she and Pam got a BOGO deal à la Payless Shoes?) She pushes her luck too far, though, when she plays the "UR just jealous" card, as if that's why J.R. is going through all of this trouble to land Cliff in jail. I'm sure that Sue Ellen's affair with Cliff hurt J.R.'s ego in some way, but it's certainly not because he's so in love with Sue Ellen. And he tells her as much: "Don't flatter yourself, sugar," he says, and goes on to compare her to an oil lease. She's just another disposable Ewing asset. Sue Ellen never gets the last word / sick burn when sparring with her husband, but I sure hope she keeps trying because I live for it.

J.R. also gets into it with Bobby, repeating what he said at the end of the previous episode: Pam's leaving Southfork is no big loss. Bobby is immediately overcome with his patented Eyes of Madness, and I'm shocked no punches were thrown. 

Bobby finally meets up with Pam, who tells him that she's not ready to go back to Southfork yet. First of all, she's only been gone for like ten minutes. Second, her brother is sitting in jail, accused of murder because of someone else who lives at Southfork. And then there are all the other shitty people at Southfork, like Jock, who barely tolerates her. It's a den of snakes! Who can blame her for leaving and staying away? Her husband, that's who, who says she's just looking for excuses. He's there, after all. Isn't that enough reason to come back?

I will point this out now...I have pointed this out in the past...I will point this out again in the future and, I'm sure, later in this very recap: they could just move. They could just move out of Southfork! Bobby could visit his family as often as he pleases, Pam could never see them again unless maybe she felt like being nice at the holidays or something, and they would have the actual freedom to, oh, I don't know, eat fucking breakfast or dinner whenever and wherever they wanted without two crotchety old bastards being all "where were you???? We had breakfast and you weren't there! HOW DARE YOU! Make sure you're here for dinner promptly at six o'clock. Well, for cocktails first and then for drinks." I'm sorry, I'll simply never get over this, even though it's one of the foundations of the show. The only reasonable way for Dallas to end, in my opinion, is with a mushroom cloud to appear over Southfork when Pam (or Sue Ellen or Lucy) has finally had enough. I can't wait!

Bobby (this is a very Bobby-centric episode, much to my chagrin) visits Cliff in the clink and asks how he can help because he's really into the idea of having a friendship with Cliff lately, I guess. Cliff refuses a Ewing lawyer and Ewing money; the only help he'll accept from the family that set him up is them finding out who really killed Julie Grey.

And if it's gonna happen, it'd better happen fast, because we're already in the "examining trial" phase of this saga! I had no idea what that was or if it was real, so I looked it up. It's very real, and it seems to be a Texas thing. Bravo, writers! In the examining trial, witnesses and evidence are presented to a judge, who determines if there was probable cause for the arrest, and whether the case should move before a grand jury. 

District Attorney Sloan--played by Charles Siebert, whom you will recognize immediately because he's been in a million TV shows but you won't be able to recall any of them specifically--gets a doctor to reveal on the stand that Julie had bruises on her arms and her face, as if she'd been grabbed and hit before she died.

Everyone in the peanut gallery looks very sad and uncomfortable about this, especially Sue Ellen, who wants to leave. She can't, though, because J.R. is going to testify and he needs her to play the doting wife. "Look on it as a wonderful lesson in civics," he says with a smirk. "You can help Lucy with her government class." And Sue Ellen and Lucy...

Those two shots are my highlight of the episode, honestly. There have been several instances of Sue Ellen looking at J.R. and others like that and I hope that by the end of this series I have a gallery of them that numbers in the thousands.

J.R.'s testimony sure is incriminating. Julie resigned from Ewing Oil after she had an affair with Cliff and gave him confidential documents that she stole--confidential documents that contained incriminating information on Cliff himself! I feel like that last bit is a lie, but what even is the truth anymore? The tapestry of backstabbings and double-crossings and deceptions and fakeries is never-ending. And so beautiful. 

Cliff's best friend Bobby retrieves Cliff's mail from his apartment and oh ho HO, what's this in Cliff's letter pile? Why, it's that envelope that Julie mailed in "The Red File: Part One"! 

I love that the props folks put very little effort into the other envelopes. Look at the next letter in the pile! That is a truly half-assed attempt at an address.

Our poor Julie may have been a fool for love, but she was not a fool for intrigue! Or something. Anyway, she mailed him a pawn shop ticket and a key to an attaché case. Bobby heads out to retrieve whatever it is while Pam prepares to testify.

Also, can we just talk about the fact that Julie was only in her new apartment for what, a month at most? And already she has either ordered and received personalized stationery OR she got a personalized rubber stamp. Either way, she was truly a glamorous angel and we didn't deserve her. Gone too soon but in our hearts forever, or at least until the next episode. 

Bobby has opened up his shirt again (beefcake alert) for his big pawn shop visit. It turns out that the attaché contains--yes, you guessed it--photocopies of the contents of the titular Red File. Bobby gets a load of the fake will J.R. made for their daddy and heads to Ewing HQ to confront his brother. 

J.R. clarifies in J.R. fashion that it's not a forgery, it's a business maneuver! This doesn't make it okay for Bobby, who asks J.R. flat out if he murdered Julie. "I've never killed anybody in my life," J.R. replies. "Not even in the war!" and...whoa. Whoa, right?? J.R. is a war veteran? What in the Private Benjamin hell?? I want my "J.R. shows up to boot camp in an ascot" prequel now, please. I wonder if this is the first and last we'll hear of this. 

Anyway, J.R. finally tells Bobby about the man in the van, who told him about the message on Cliff's answering machine. But it's also apparent that the man in the van told someone else about the message on Cliff's answering machine. Bobby heads to the man in the van's office to find out about the mystery person(s), and if you assumed that Bobby threatened violence two seconds into the conversation, well, then you've been watching Dallas! 

He finds out that the van man was also working for J.R.'s oil cartel cronies, so he heads to their office to punch talk sense into them. Here we meet another one of Dallas's great bit players, whom I shall call Great Value Jessica Lange. She's the secretary for the cronies, and let me tell you, the actress goes all in and makes the most of her one scene. She is practically eating Bobby with her eyes! And after she tells him that the cronies are heading to the airport to catch a plane to Alaska, he gives her a Benjamin and tells her to buy some more of that perfume she's wearing...and she practically eats that money with her mouth!

Meanwhile, Pam is on the stand. She has obviously tried to camouflage herself by matching the brown tones of the wood paneled courtroom in the hopes that the district attorney wouldn't find her, but alas. She  reluctantly testifies about Cliff's affairs and how he didn't help her when she was blamed for stealing the documents that Julie took from Ewing Oil. 

We see you, girl

It's not looking great for Cliff; the wire tap on his phone may have been illegal, but it seems that the answering machine tape will be entered into evidence regardless. But! Super Bobby called a pal of his who is head of airport security and got him to delay the oil cronies. Bobby confronts them with evidence from the Red File: they've been paying off politicians and doing crooked deals. They tell him that Julie's death was an accident, and Bobby tells them they need to turn themselves in. With a simple confession, they'll get manslaughter. With the Red File evidence, it'd be Murder One, baby! And yes, Bobby has conveniently omitted all the evidence that implicates his own brother in any wrongdoing. 

Dumb and Dumber

The cronies confess, Cliff is free to go, and Bobby won't tell him or Pam what he did or what he found at the pawn shop. In fact, he demands J.R.'s copy of the fake will and he burns them both. "For the first time in my life, I know exactly what you're all about," he tells J.R. Say what? This is the first time? Apparently Bobby has not been watching Dallas.

Pam and Bobby meet up, and Bobby still won't tell her about the Red File. It's fine if they have secrets from each other, so long as they love each other. That's enough, right? I mean, I agree with Bobby here. Everybody knows that the #1 relationship advice is "keep secrets from each other." Keep as many secrets as possible, I say! Are you a werewolf? A vampire? A chupacabra? Don't tell your spouse! Let it be your secret. Just love them, and that will be enough.

I thought Pam would end up back at Southfork for sure, but I never should have doubted my queen. Even though Cliff is free, she's not ready to live under the same roof as J.R. She shouldn't be expected to! Again: they could just move. They don't have to live at Southfork for fuck's sake! But Bobby doesn't understand this at all, and any doubts he had about his family at the beginning of the episode have been totally erased, even though J.R. has been proven to be a slimeball criminal. "I was a Ewing when you married me and I'll be a Ewing until I die," he says. Pam can either get on board with that or not! And reader, he turns around and walks away. He walks away! And leaves Pam there to cry. In that coat!

This terrible ending is even terribler after the dizzying high of the ending of last week's episode. Now we have to see her feeling bad when she absolutely should not feel bad, and next week she'll come crawling back I'm sure. This is an indignity. I knew I should have stopped watching after she peeled out of that driveway! 

1.2 - LESSONS

original airdate: April 9, 1978

Welcome back, hogs and heifers, as I dive into "Lessons", the second episode of the first season. While there are, in fact, many lessons to be learned over the 48 minutes spent with this episode, I posit that a better name for it would be "Asses, Asses Everywhere" because...well, you'll see.

It's wintertime and snow gently blankets the disgusting brownness of Southfork. All is still save the clip-clop of horseshoes as Lucy, our tiny sex goblin, rides to the mailbox at the front of Southfork's long drive. She quickly paws through the box's contents, takes out the letter she was searching for, and sets it on fire. What oh what is that l'il scamp up to now?

Speaking of horses and lessons and combinations of the two, Bobby is in the barn with Pam, teaching her how to ride. As he helps Pam up onto the horse, her ass and the magnificence contained therein pass mere inches from his face and it's all Bobby can do to contain himself. Bobby says, essentially, "Me want sex!" but alas, Pam replies "Me want horse!" and off she trots.

Ray and another ranch hand pull up in Ray's truck, discussing which of them is going to drive Lucy to school. Ray busts out some working class grammar to end the argument ("I got a ranch to run, I ain't got no time to be no warden."), but Bobby butts his curly head in: "Make time, Ray. My daddy told you to take Lucy to school every day." I have so many problems with this, I don't even know where to begin.

Wait, yes I do: BOBBY, YOU ARE A 30-YEAR-OLD MAN. DO NOT CALL YOUR FATHER "DADDY". For the record, I would say the same if he were a 30-year-old woman. I find adults using the term "daddy" in any context to be completely weird and creepy. If you are one of those adults, look, I'm sorry but it's weird and creepy and bad and you should feel weird and creepy and bad.

Also, why does Ray have to drive Lucy to school? The dude has this huge ranch to run and hundreds of head of cattle to take care of and a shit ton of work to do. 70% of the Ewings don't have jobs, why can't one of them take her? This whole scene just made me hate entitled rich people. More than I already do, I mean.

Anyway, it's time for the big family breakfast, hooray! Family breakfasts, family cocktail hours, family dinners, family after-dinner coffee hours...that is entirely too much family on a daily basis, and I would absolutely kill myself if I had to be subjected to that kind of torture all the time. I don't care how much money I'd be rolling around in, I'd go suck a tailpipe and put myself out of my misery ASAP. And that's really saying something because the Ewings do have a lot of money. How much? So much that they drink their breakfast milk out of fancy goblets!

Jock, let me nestle in your soft shiny hair and sleep forever

Lucy and her schooling are the big topics of conversation this morning. Is Lucy skipping breakfast? Is she going to school? What about all those letters the school used to send? Lucy used to like school, does she still like school? Who cares if she likes it, all that matters is that she goes.

See what I mean? The tailpipe is a pretty attractive option, isn't it?

Lucy finally appears and after a few cursory "good morning"s, Sue Ellen and J.R. suggest that Lucy go change out of her jeans-and-sweater combo before school. It doesn't seem like a particularly scandalous outfit to me, and I gather the wardrobe change was written in so Lucy would have to exit the room, which means the camera can pan down and focus on her ass as she goes.

Pam throws shade at J.R. over the fact that Bobby is now a Ewing Oil executive. Later, she suggests that Sue Ellen drive in to Dallas with her later, but Sue Ellen throws that shade right back: without looking at Pam, she simply says "No thank you" and walks away. Oooh, winter ain't the only thing that's ice cold around these parts!

Lucy and Ray take off for school, J.R. and Bobby take off for the office, Sue Ellen takes off for wherever, and poor Pam is stuck talking to Miss Ellie over coffee. Miss Ellie confides that she knows that Lucy is playing games and skipping school, and then she gives this lovely little speech:

"I always wanted a daughter. Maybe it's a good thing I never had one. The Ewing men are strong. Lucy's father...he wasn't strong. Couldn't compete. That's why he left, and left Lucy with us."

Pam's eyebrow game expresses my feelings perfectly:

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

So it's not your shitty parenting skills and neglect- not to mention that you stole Lucy away from her birth mother- that have made the teenager rebel...it's that she's a girl? I told you last week- Miss Ellie is the absolute worst! Sadly, Pam is so desperate for attention from anyone in this miserable family that she doesn't call Miss Ellie on her bullshit.

INTERIOR. RAY'S TRUCK.
Lucy casually mentions that there's a new disco opening in Braddock that night and my heart skips, like, three beats. Then she starts getting her sex goblin on, rubbin' up all over Ray and suggesting that they skip the drive to school and head back to The Hayloft of Sin and my stomach lurches, like, three times. Ray makes the unwise decision to turn the truck around because...well, I guess because he has a boner? Oh Dallas, why do you force me to think about these things? And Ray, what about all that work you had to do? I want to be on your side, here, dammit!

Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie leave for parts unknown without a word to Pam, who watches them go, staring out a window all gauzy and forlorn like she's in a deleted scene from Picnic at Hanging Rock or some such. It is the best thing.

Before she can further contemplate murder and/or suicide, the phone rings. It's Mr. Miller from Lucy's school, enquiring as to the tiny sex goblin's whereabouts and the status of all the letters they've been sending home. Pam decides it's time to actually do something with her life, so she makes haste for the barn.

Pam calls to Ray and threatens to tattle on him if The Hayloft of Sin isn't once again merely The Hayloft of Hay. Ray leaves before Pam can tell him to torch all of the hay that he and Lucy have sexed all over. I assume that's what she would tell him, anyway, because no cows or horses or whatevers should be subjected to eating that stuff. Do farm animals actually eat hay? Or do they poop on it? Hmm, I find that I actually do not know. And I don't want to know, so don't tell me!

Lucy emerges looking like an extra from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and it's time for a battle of the wills. Pam threatens more tattling if Lucy doesn't get her shit together and go to school. Of this, I approve. Of Pam's use of "I'm a Ewing now!" as a point of leverage and authority, I do not approve. This is nothing to brag about, Pam, what is wrong with you? Lucy tries some of her usual tactics- she always manages to convince everyone to let her do whatever she wants because they feel guilty over Gary abandoning her- but Pam counters with a "Well, babyface, that won't work with me!" Pam has had enough of everyone's shit, apparently, and I like it!

Meanwhile, at Ewing Oil Headquarters...

Bobby suspects that J.R. is engaging in some serious oilnanigans to make the business successful, but he doesn't have any proof; nor can he talk directly with J.R. about it because secretary Julie always cockblocks him and J.R. always sneaks out the door. Look, all you really need to know here is that Julie's hair gives me life.

Pam won the battle of the wills and is tasked with shuttling Lucy to school. She takes it to another level of embarrassment when she decides to walk Lucy all the way to class. She has a lovely chat with Mr. Miller, who says he'll do whatever he can to help Lucy catch up on her work, how sweet.

At the end of the school day, The President of the Letter Club acts all creepy and weird and lechy with Lucy...but as I see things, she deserves it! If she puts out as much as the rumors claim she does, then why won't she sleep with this guy? She should sleep with anyone who wants it! Pfft, women, amirite?

Lucy does her best to ignore him and Pam arrives to shuttle her home, but not before remarking what a nice boy that President of the Creep Club is. Then she hands Lucy a box and tells her that she spent the day buying her all new school clothes. I admit, I'm starting to feel smothered here. Not enough to make me want to have sex with Ray Krebbs on top of a pile of hay, of course, but enough to make me want to throw the new clothes out of the car window- which is exactly what Lucy does, and the accompanying music is so intense that I could barely stand it.

That night, Lucy dons her finest Frederick's of Hollywood finery and takes a pair of scissors to the clothes Pam bought her. I don't even care what that l'il scamp is up to now, for I'm too skeeved out by the fact that this show wants viewers to lust after a high schooler.

We don't have to wait long for Lucy's scheme to come to fruition. There she is the next day, looking like The Littlest Stewardess and indulging in some tutoring with Mr. Miller one minute, then taking off her blazer to reveal a cut-up blouse the next. She runs out of the room, screaming that Mr. Miller accosted her. Wow, that's...not a thing you do to an innocent person. What price freedom, Lucy? What price?

this outfit rules my world

Little does The Littlest Liar know, however, that The President of the Creep Club saw the whole thing! Yes, he was watching her get tutored, which is not a euphemism so it must have been really boring to stand there and spy for an hour.

Pam is there once again to drive Lucy home (oh what, was Miss Ellie too busy doing NOTHING?) but Lucy's long gone. The President of the Creep Club is there, though, corroborating Lucy's story, filling Pam in on all that transpired, and teaching us one of this episode's many titular lessons: everyone in the world is horrible. Hooray!

Well, maybe not everyone: what of poor, innocent Mr. Miller? He's about to get booted because the school principal fears the power of the mighty Jock Ewing. Pam decides she'll save the day by talking to Lucy, whose story she does not believe even one small bit. Mind you, back at home, Lucy totally cops to what she did. After all, in the world of he said-she said, everyone will believe the doe-eyed goblin; Lucy uses Mr. Miller's job as leverage to get Pam to leave her alone: "See what happens when you care about people?" So much blackmailing and leveraging! I tell ya, it must be exhausting to be caught in the whirling Ewing cesspool.

Once again, this episode does not feature enough Sue Ellen...but, at least, the little that we do get is a real treat, just pure Sue Ellen bitchiness. She comments that the clothes that Pam bought for Lucy are nice, and follows up with  a knowing smirk: "She should have good taste...after all those years working in department stores." So much shade, I love it. And hey, it's tally time:

EPISODES SO FAR: 2
EPISODES WHEREIN SUE ELLEN FLAWLESSLY CANOODLES WITH BOOZE: 2

Lucy receives a phone call from The President of the Creep Club, who blackmails her into going on a date with him that night.

Upstairs, Bobby and Pam talk about Lucy and how Pam is totally sincere in her efforts to help and WHO CARES WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT, THEY'RE GOING TO THE NEW DISCO.

People, this disco. First of all...FIRST OF ALL...what's the DJ spinning tonight? A disco-ified version of the Dallas theme. When I realized this, I spent the next 18 minutes blacked out from the excitement.

Lucy and The President of the Creep Club are there. Ray, wearing a goddamn neckerchief, shows up with some broad. Then Bobby and Pam arrive, and...you guys. You guys. I no longer need food or water or air to survive- I only need this clip, forever.


See? Asses, asses everywhere! But lest you think that only women are objectified in the Braddock disco, here's a random man ass for you:

Lucy is having a terrible time with The President of the Creep Club, and when she spots Ray she pleads with him to take her back to The Hayloft of Sin. He demurs, but she starts a-pawin' at him...and Bobby sees them all entwined! As you might expect, Bobby flips out and punches Ray, which means that once again, it's tally time:

EPISODES SO FAR: 2
EPISODES WHEREIN BOBBY GETS CRAZY VIOLENT AT THE DROP OF A HAT: 2

the eyes of madness

Things wrap up quickly from here: Ray and Bobby settle their shit, with Ray promising to leave both Lucy and Pam alone. Pam figures out what the President of the Creep Club is up to and tells him to beat it. This does not endear her to Lucy, however, and the ladies do not settle their shit. With regards to Pam's meddling, Lucy lays it down.

"You know what? You make Sue Ellen look sincere. She's a simp, but she doesn't fling it like you do." Then she adds perhaps the greatest insult of all: "You're a Ewing already, you know that?"

Ooh, apply ice to that burn! Pam gets all teary-eyed, so Bobby has a chat with Lucy. He tells her that although the family loves her, they don't have time to, like, talk to her. But Pam does! And she truly cares, honest! Rather than saying FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE and leaving, Lucy makes up with Pam and the three of them dance the night away, their cares and worries saved for another time, another episode. Aww.

While I did not think it possible, I have to say- after "Lessons", my love for the 1970s has only grown. I mean, I already knew that the 70s had the best music, the best movies, and obviously the best in television. But what makes that era so perfect forever and always is that men could unironically dress like these fellows...

...and spend the night dancing. There was freedom, my friends, and the rallying cry was "I don't give a fuck!" Wouldn't we all be better off if we recaptured even just a little of that spirit? I think so. It'll be easy: all we need to start is an Alicia Bridges album, some satin shirts, and a big bowl of cocaine.