2.15 - FOR LOVE OR MONEY

Original airdate: January 14, 1978

Ha! Episode title, please. Are we expected to believe that anyone on this show would be torn when choosing between love and money? At best, the Ewings might conflate the two--is Ellie putting Southfork above all else an act of love? Or is it more she's accustomed to the moneyed lifestyle and is actually putting that above all else? And Pam, who grew up poor, might choose love...but is it really love if her husband or brother ultimately chooses money? I wonder if any college philosophy curriculums include this episode. Maybe I should start my own college to be sure.

It's just another leisurely morning at Southfork. As always the outfits are on point and orange juice is poured liberally. Sue Ellen's mother phones ("Mother?!" you exclaim. "She has a mother? And here I thought she was born from the skull of Jack Daniels!") and we're told that not only is La Mère back in Dallas, she and Sue Ellen met up the night before. It's all pleasant until La Mère begins angling for an invite to Southfork for herself and Sue Ellen's little sister Kristin in the hopes that Kristin will also meet "the right man." We can tell by the way Sue Ellen blankly stares into the distance and hems and haws that she's not into the idea. We can also tell because she plainly says she's not into the idea, that the time is not right. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin...oh, her time will come! It won't be long before she is, in fact, motorin', if you know what I mean. I think you do! (Sex.)

I love a photo cube! 

I love a mustard phone!

Cliff is at The Store getting fitted for a new suit. According to him, the underdog look is no longer a fashion trend--this season is all about the winner look, baby. Pam, flawless as usual, reminds him that the election is still two years away, which reminds me that now, (math) years later, America miserably exists in the throes of a perpetual election cycle. I wonder if any college political science curriculums include this episode. I really need to start that college!

It's now round 'bout noontime and Sue Ellen is hanging with The Bitches Who Lunch at a fancy hotel restaurant. They're all complimenting her on her incredible stamina, what with driving all the way to Fort Worth whilst pregnant. Sue Ellen eats up the compliments as she joyfully twirls the oversized novelty olives in her martini. If these ladies thought her driving a whole half an hour to meet them was amazing, just wait until she does it again--pregnant and buzzed--for her return trip to Dallas. Our Sue Ellen is truly a profile in courage!

Sue Ellen is also boasting (aka lying) about how great her life is. J.R. is excited about the baby! They've never been more in love! He loves his job and he's in Austin right now doing his job! It's all perfect! As expected, this all blows up in Sue Ellen's face minutes later when the gaggle is leaving the hotel just as J.R. is checking in with some young lass. "Didn't Sue Ellen say J.R. was in Austin? I swear that was him," one of them says while the Alpha Queen in Purple smirks and floofs her hair. Floofs her hair! These bitches are ruthless! I love it.

Meanwhile, round 'bout noontime elsewhere, Cliff is meeting with some very powerful businessmen. You can tell they're powerful because they are doing business near a conference table that is stocked with padfolios and pens...but not just any padfolios and pens. The padfolios are leather--leather, reader--and the pens are housed in pen holders.

powerful business accessories

I am not a businesswoman, powerful or otherwise, but every time I see a padfolio I so wish I were. I dream of owning a padfolio, but of course I dream humbly. A leatherette padfolio seems more my speed. Maybe one with a calculator inside for the easy calculating of business figures. I suppose I could get myself one even for my life as a not-businesswoman, but is it worth it if I am not attending meetings wherein I can show it off? If a padfolio is brandished at a conference table in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even exist? Hmm, perhaps this is a question best left for the philosophy students at my college.

Anyway, the businessmen are willing to guarantee Cliff a position as the head of the Bureau of Land Management, provided he declares eminent domain to rid South Dallas of "low cost, low class" houses in order to make way for Business Interests. Cliff tells 'em to shove it. He ain't gonna sell out, not for a lofty position, not for no money no how!

That night, Sue Ellen is working on a glass of booze when J.R. finally shows up at home. Words are had! Words like "tramp," which J.R. objects to--the woman Sue Ellen spotted him with wasn't a tramp at all; rather, she was a nice young lady. Sue Ellen tries to give him an ultimatum: if he doesn't stop with the philanderin', she's gonna leave and take the baby that might be his with her! J.R. immediately capitulates, promising to love and honor and cherish Sue Elle--HAHA psych! J.R. doesn't take kindly to ultimatums, of course, and he knows he holds all the cards even if Sue Ellen holds all the babies (in her uterus). She sure enjoys the money and the lifestyle being his wife affords her, and he knows she ain't goin' nowhere. In the long run, at least.

In the short run, she's heading to Cliff's.

Over a glass of yes even more booze (that poor baby), she and Cliff discuss their relationship, or lack thereof. Cliff says it's over, Sue Ellen says but what about this maybe-baby? (I mean that maybe the baby is Cliff's, not that it's maybe a baby or maybe not a baby. I'm pretty sure that it's really a baby in there.) Then she turns off the lights and tells him that while she might not need him tomorrow, she needs him tonight. She really needs him. FOR SEX.

The next morning, we're treated to yet another Southfork breakfast scene, but this one is sans Sue Ellen. It's remarked upon ("She must have got up early and left!") but J.R. doesn't seem to mind, telling everyone he doesn't pay much attention to whatever she's got going on. Miss Ellie comments that Sue Ellen should bring her mother and her sister to Southfork, Jock volunteers Lucy to be Kristin's friend, and then Jock and Miss Ellie are off to a doctor's appointment. So exciting! It must have been Sweeps Week when this originally aired.

J.R. stops by to see Sue Ellen's mother, and for a minute I don't hear any dialogue because I am completely overtaken by the sight of a huge barometer on the wall.

My gramma also had a huge barometer on the wall next to her front door--well, a barometer-thermometer combo, to be exact, all wood and brass and glass (aka all plastic). I don't think anyone knew how to read the barometer part, or how it worked or what it was meant to signify. Whenever my gramma walked us to the door as we left, she would peep at it and flick the glass (plastic) a few times for some arcane purpose. Hmm, maybe she knew how to read it and how it worked and what it was meant to signify but never shared its secrets. I will never know.

But enough about gramma aesthetics (even though I can never get enough gramma aesthetics, honestly)! Kristin descends the stairs in a powder blue terrycloth shorts-n-tank top combo and you can practically hear the boi-oi-oinnng of J.R.'s boner through the screen. She begins to eat a pear in a flirty fashion, and she, her mother, and J.R. all agree that she won't have any problems landing a husband as good as Sue Ellen's. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin won't have any problems landing Sue Ellen's actual husband. And yes, Colleen Camp was the original Kristin Shepherd!

Still Life: Colleen Camp + Pear

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen has packed her bags and is ready to split when she's stopped by Bobby, who wants to know what's up. "You really care?" Sue Ellen asks, since Bobby has never showed her much interest in the seven years they've lived under the same roof and good lord I know we've talked about it--in the last post, even--but these adults all live together and have lived together for years and I don't understand how they're not all murderously insane! I don't even want to live with myself, never mind my entire family.

When J.R. returns, Bobby tells him that Sue Ellen has left him. J.R. puts in a call to a private investigator and orders a tail on her. Who is she seeing? Who is she talking to?

The answer, it turns out, is her mother and sister. Sue Ellen is worried that her mother is grooming Kristin the way she herself was groomed: that marrying a wealthy man is the most important thing they can do as women. It's all very House of Hilton! But mama never taught Sue Ellen "how to live without a man in her bed, or what to do when her man is off with a floozy somewhere." Both mama and Kristin counter that Sue Ellen's priorities are wrong and "exclusive rights" aren't essential if that man has money.

Jock storms into the Ewing Oil Headquarters like he owns the place (oh wait, he does) and starts yelling at J.R. about The Whole Sue Ellen Thing. They've had seven years to have problems, but they chose to have problems now? Now, when Jock's grandchild is on the way? When Miss Ellie is excited over this same grandchild? Won't someone think of JOCK AND MISS ELLIE? "We want her back at Southfork," Jock says with finality, and I can't decide what I hate more: Jock himself, or the fact that he continues to have such great hair.

jerk

Sue Ellen has returned to Cliff's apartment, but this time the lights stay on. She tells him she's leaving her husband, to which Cliff responds "Okay." This is not the fireworks reception Sue Ellen was expecting! But Cliff is being a pragmatist--will J.R. really let Sue Ellen go? Can she accept a Cliff-flavored life that doesn't have all the Ewing trappings she's used to? Sue Ellen says she will try, and we immediately know they are both doomed. Doomed and clad in brown. Not Earth tones--just brown. There is so much brown everywhere! It's in the decor, it's in the clothes...of all the colors in the spectrum, I can't believe brown was such a huge trend for so long. It's the one misstep of the 1970s. THE ONLY ONE. Although before long we'll be in the pastel 80s, and I'll probably pine for the 70s brown. OR WILL I? I guess we'll all find out. How thrilling!

This was a "tender" moment in action but this still makes it look like a murder moment

J.R.'s private eye reports in: Sue Ellen has been coming and going (and coming...wink wink) from Cliff Barnes's place. J.R. is actually surprised that his wife would be so devious as to canoodle with his greatest enemy. The camera dramatically zooms in on J.R.s face. "I suppose it's time we do somethin' about old Cliff Barnes," he says as the sinister music swells.

I know, you've been biting your nails since paragraph three, wondering about Cliff's made-to-order suit. Well, bite your nails no longer, reader (unless you're into biting your nails, in which case I would still suggest you no longer do that, but ultimately the choice is yours), for a Pam is here, suit in hand, resplendent even in brown pants.  She spots-n-sniffs a scarf and knows immediately that Sue Ellen has been there. If Pam ever gets tired of working at The Store, mayhaps she should consider a career as a private eye. Oh my goodness, imagine a spin-off where Pam solves mysteries and crimes and looks fabulous while doing it...wait, she could team up with Sue Ellen in Ewing Mysteries! I could be blogging about that show right now! But I'm not. And in this lesser (but still great) reality where I only have Dallas, Pam is unleashing some righteous fury (the only fury she can unleash, natch) on her brother. If J.R. finds out about this affair he will ruin Cliff--and Pam won't blame him one bit. Cliff kicks her out, and Sue Ellen emerges from another room, having overheard the whole argument. They look at one another, their gazes inscrutable.

Our Pam, always not the one

Back at Southfork, Pam indulges in some booze, which prompts Bobby to remind her yet again that she can always quit her job. What a jerk! Does he want her to quit The Store so she can realize her destiny and become a private eye? No! He wants her to quit and be a stay-at-home Ewing Lady. The worst. Pam is cryptically lamenting that it's not only the Ewings who will sink to any depth to get what they want. "Barnes? Ewing? What's the difference?" she asks.

"Outside of a couple million dollars, not a whole lot. Except there are more of us. Including you," Bobby replies. The worster.

Pam thinks he's great, though, and the two head off into the city for a date night.

Those padfolio businessmen have sent Cliff a bunch of styrofoam cubes and cylinders, which are meant to represent their vision for a new South Dallas. Cliff is unimpressed and still holding strong to his values. But then J.R. waltzes into Cliff's office and calls him a "cheap little man" having a "cheap little romance" with his wife while harboring "little dreams." They fight over the baby, each telling the other to back off. But J.R. delivers the coup de grâce: Ewing power and money will wash away any embarrassment if the baby isn't his, whereas Cliff will never amount to anything and the scandal would ruin him. And isn't that what he wants? Power? Cliff angrily swats those styrofoam cubes and cylinders right off the table, and I fear that his values will not hold, captain!

J.R. then catches up with his wayward wife at her mother's house and wins back her heart with sweet talk and a promise--HAHA psych! He warns her that if she doesn't come back to Southfork, he'll get a couple of boys to bring her to a hospital where she'll be forced to have an abortion, and then he'll reward her with a messy divorce that will leave her friendless and penniless. He delivers the poop cherry on this shit sundae (sorry) by telling her that Cliff won't take her, anyway.

Sue Ellen meets with her paramour and sadly he confirms it: "You can't fight City Hall," Cliff says, ever the poet. He loves Sue Ellen "in his own way" (whatever that means) but he can't have her and the things he wants in life. What a weasel! What a...a...small man! Sue Ellen likens it all to a game--"Is that what I am? Just the marbles?"--and it's a terrible metaphor (Have children played with marbles since the 30s or whenever? Then again, has Sue Ellen ever actually played a game? Does she know what a game is?), but she's upset so let's forgive her.

Just the marbles

J.R. is waiting for her in the parking lot with Sue Ellen's bags packed and in his backseat. Defeated but silently fuming, she climbs in. They'll make it back to Southfork in time for a nice family dinner, but afterwards J.R. has business to attend to. By "business" he means "sex business" and Sue Ellen needn't wait up. He is relentlessly cruel and stone cold! I've never loved to hate anyone more.

Back in his office, Cliff picks up the styrofoam cubes and cylinders from the floor. He makes a call...he takes a job. The "low cost, low class" houses will soon be gone to make way for Padfolio Business Park. Cliff's willing to give the businessmen whatever they want, so long as they help him accrue massive amounts of power. "How's that for playing the game?" Cliff says to no one.

But he should know that in the game of marbles, nobody wins.

I guess? I have no idea how the game of marbles actually works. I'm not that old, geez.

2.13 - KIDNAPPED

Original airdate: December 17, 1978

Well, well! The creators of Dallas must have jumped in a time machine, travelled from 1978 to last week, read my review of the previous episode, travelled back to 1978, discussed the fact that I wanted an episode with some action and not just lechy manbaby whining, and then they produced this episode. I mean, how else to explain it all? Look at that title: Kidnapped! What does it scream if not excitement? Hold on to your bolo ties everyone, for I am sure we will find out.

It's breakfast time at Southfork for everyone except Pam, who peels out of the ranch in her black Vette and heads to The Store. This prompts some passive aggressive "concern" from Miss Ellie–Pam leaves earlier and earlier (GEE I WONDER WHY)–but Bobby flexes his manbaby muscles and says it's not a problem unless she starts working nights. Lucy's body dysmorphia is coming along nicely and she's decided to skip breakfast because she's gaining weight. Miss Ellie suggests she skip the candy machine at school instead, but Lucy counters that it's womanservant Teresa's mashed potatoes causing her to balloon, not candy. Sue Ellen has received a letter from her mother, who sends her regards to the family and promises to visit soon. Jock then disparages her mother's town, and J.R. makes it clear that she is not welcome to stay at Southfork.

And then a huge sinkhole opens up on the property and Southfork plummets into the very depths of Hell and all of these awful people are gone for good except for Teresa.

Just kidding, that doesn't happen until the finale of Season 27. Look for my recap in January 2189!

Anyway, Bobby and J.R. finally go to work and it seems like just another ordinary day, right? Well guess again, chump! At that very moment, a trio of bad guys enjoys a detailed slide show detailing lots of details about the Ewing clan: This is Jock, this is Bobby's car, this is Ray Krebbs, this is the Ewing Oil building...and on and on and on and ON. Just as you open your mouth to yell/brag that you already know all this stuff, it all becomes Crystal Light clear: they're planning a kidnapping, just as the episode title promised! They're gonna snatch J.R. right off the street and demand all of the Ewing monies. Or at least some of them. Now, you might think that this guy is the worst of the bad guy trio because of his ornery scowl and "no fucks given" hairdo:

But here's the spoileriffic truth of it: it's this mom-looking bitch who's the real sociopath of the bunch. She won't hesitate to get her murder on if things go badly and she's all about the Tubmans, honey, dolla dolla bills y'all.

Over yonder at the Ewing Oil building, Bobby has some business to do, a meeting to attend or whatever, but lo, alas, alack, his car has a flat tire so he takes J.R.'s car instead. For his part, J.R. is at a hotel all kinds of topless, lounging, and engaging in a little Afternoon Delight with an unnamed floozy. And yes, I engaged in a little Afternoon Dry Heaves.

Hey, I know we're not supposed to actively root for the bad guys, but when they drive around looking like this, what am I to do but hope against hope that they will get away with every crime forever?

As you undoubtedly expected, this all leads to a Three's Company-style mixup: the kidnappers stop J.R.'s car, but they find Bobby behind the wheel. Any Ewing will bring the cash, though, so they snatch Bobby and bring him to a rundown house that apparently once belonged to the notorious gangster/slob Pancho Lee.

Other graffiti in the house includes "REAR DOOR," "YOUR," and "PUNK RULE." A++ job there, set designer!

The kidnappers call Cliff Barnes and tell him that for some reason he will be the go-between in this mess. Cliff heads to Southfork to tell everyone that Bobby's been kidnapped and he has explicit instructions to follow if they hope to get Bobby back alive. At this news, Pam is obviously incredibly distraught and on the verge of collapse. No...really.

J.R. and Jock don't want Cliff Barnes nosing in on any family matters and they decide to do things their way: they're fixin' to call in the FBI despite the kidnappers being all "Guys, don't call the FBI, okay? Just give us 1.5 million dollars." Boy, that Jock Ewing sure is an a-hole...but as much as it pains me to say it, I must admit he is also a flawlessly styled a-hole.

The kidnappers become wise to the FBI's involvement and they get angry, so J.R. and Jock relent and have Cliff follow the instructions he's been given. Cliff grabs the suitcase full of money and goes on the world's most boring scavenger hunt; he looks for notes all over town that lead to the exchange location, but the kidnappers don't show up because they think the FBI might still be involved.

When a Bobby-less Cliff returns to Southfork, everyone blames him for the failure and they decide to try it the Ewing way again. When Pam balks out of, you know, fear for her husband's life, everyone gangs up on her and her brother. "You don't understand this family yet!" Jock tells her. Pam may not understand this family, but I sure do. THEY'RE THE WORST.

Finally she manages to convince them that it's best if Cliff tries again...but it's obvious that J.R. still intends to try things his own way. And then...and then...Pam slowly curls her fist as if to silently threaten a good punchin' and reader, it is the most sublime, perfect thing I've ever seen in my life. I want it engraved on my headstone and on my heart, and I want to rearrange all of the stars in the sky into this image.

EVERYTHING

Meanwhile, at the hench-house, the sociopathic mom-looking bad guy is alone with Bobby. He tries to appeal to her better nature–or, to be more precise, her money-loving nature–and promises big bucks for her and her alone if she'll ditch her cohorts, unchain him, and let him go. Joke's on Bobby, though, she doesn't have a better nature! She begins to talk about the desperation of being truly poor, but before you can feel some empathy, she is overcome by Bobby's manliness and she begins sexually assaulting him. Yes, Bobby is about to be raped, but the other kidnappers return to the hench-house in time. Man, this show can get fucking dark! For a moment, Bobby bears the look of a man who has officially Been Through Some Shit, but as this is Dallas, the moment passes and I'm sure the trauma of sexual assault will have no lasting effect on him.

Cliff finally makes an arrangement for the Bobby-cash exchange, but will J.R. and Jock let it play out and not get involved? Of course they will not! They organize a posse to lie in wait so they can ensure Cliff will not screw things up, and also to ensure that the kidnappers are killed instead of, you know, sent to jail. And that's what happens! The exchange goes off without a hitch, but then J.R. and Ray and a bunch of Southfork goobers pop up and shoot the kidnappers dead. Well, they shoot the male kidnappers. I guess not shooting the woman is chivalrous? The important thing here is that even though Bobby's life was at stake, even though he had to lie in wait amongst the dry Texas shrubland for hours, even though there was high tension and they'd be facing off again a criminal element and the outcome was uncertain...J.R. put on a fucking ascot for this. I'm not gonna lie: my eyes became cartoon hearts and then popped out of my head.

Bobby has been rescued and is back home at Southfork. Cliff is angry because he wasn't quite in the clear when the shooting began. Pam and Bobby and Sue Ellen are all "You could have killed Cliff!" and J.R. is all "Who, me?" and he smiles. It's a really weird place for the episode to end, but I suppose the Barnes-Ewing feud can't, you know, be settled in Season Two. We've only just begun!

1.5 - BARBECUE

Original airdate: April 30, 1978

I know what you're thinking. "'Barbecue'? This episode is called 'Barbecue'? That sounds about as exciting as an episode called 'Laundry' or 'DMV'" Well folks, in ordinary circumstances you'd be right...but this is Dallas we're talking about. The title may portend banality, but when this episode was over, I had to check to see if it was written by Charles Dickens because "Barbecue" is some best of times/worst of times shit, I tell you what!

In this age of wisdom and foolishness, Bobby is out enjoying some athleticism, including but not limited to jogging, hopping over fences, and doing adorable tiny little basketball layups. Meanwhile, Jock is helping to set up the annual Ewing Barbecue, which is apparently a huge deal for the Who's Who of the greater Dallas area. I so wish I could go, you guys. I SO WISH.

Bobby casually lets slip that there's going to be a reunion at the festivities this year because Digger Barnes is coming. Jock gives a look that's the visual equivalent of a SAY WHAT? record scratch, and then we learn two things: Digger's real name is Willard (total disappointment), and Jock is an asshole. Oh wait, we knew that!

Yes indeed, Digger is fixin' to come to the BBQ and have what is surely to be the reunion to end all reunions. Far away from Southfork, at Stately Cliff Barnes Manor, Pam helps a sober Digger get ready for the day. Digger reminds us of why his sobriety is a rare thing by listing off all the ways Jock Ewing ruined his life, including but not limited to stealing his half of the oil fortune and also his sweetheart Miss Ellie and--

SAY WHAT? record scratch! Digger and Miss Ellie used to be an item? Sure, I'll buy it. Miss Ellie was "a sweet little thing"? Okay, that I refuse to believe.

At any rate, the most important thing for us to take away from this scene is that Cliff Barnes enjoys fucking enormous macramé wall art.

Pam heads home to Southfork and promptly makes a phone call. Boy oh boy, those Ewings are rich. How rich? They're so rich that they have a phone at the head of the bed and at the foot of the bed. Unbelievable! Now that is livin', my friends.

what, no phone in the middle of the bed? lame

I know that Pam has called the doctor's office because someone answers the phone and says "Doctor's office." Then "The Doctor" gets on the line and tells Pam that Bobby's Magic Baby Batter has done its job...she's pregnant! Pam plays it coy when it's time to tell Bobby about Babby: "I learned a riddle today," she says. Bobby enthusiastically replies with a "Let's hear it!" and he gets so excited that I've decided he's secretly wicked into riddles and everyone just sort of puts up with it. I tell ya, making up ridiculous headcanons for Dallas characters sure does delight me (see also: Episode 1.3, "A Spy in the House"). Oh, in case you were wondering, here's Pam's riddle:

Q: What do you get when you cross a Barnes and a Ewing?
A: A boy or a girl.

I imagine that although Bobby was overjoyed at the baby news, he died a little inside over Pam's truly shitty riddle.

But who cares about new life and believing the children are our future and all that? It's barbecue time! Man, the Ewings have gone all out for this shindig, even setting up a makeshift dance floor.

That shot was immediately followed by this shot...

...and dang if I wasn't supremely disappointed when I realized that's not a trophy, that's a coffee urn. I wanted a barbecue dance competition!

Digger shows up with Jimmy, Pam's cousin, and they're greeted by Miss Ellie. She quickly absconds with Digger, saying they need to "rehash ancient history", which is surely the best idea. Everybody knows that dredging up resentments and anger is as vital to a barbecue as potato salad.

Lucy pulls Ray off the dance floor (where he's drinking and two-stepping with a floozie) (I guess it's two-stepping, but to be honest I don't know for sure) (I'm totally 100% positive about the drinking though) (and the floozie) to tell him about Pam's pregnancy. As she waggles her eyebrows with her usual devilish glee over the consternation the news causes, Ray has a feeling.

Then there's a strange interlude with the party's caterers, who have been working this yearly BBQ gig for over a decade. They're downright worried about Jock (he's skulking and smoking and drinking more than usual!) and his imminent reunion with Digger (with Bobby marrying that Barnes girl, it was bound to happen!). The conversation goes on for a bit, and it's...weird. They're not telling us anything we don't already know, and--eh. I suppose I should simply be thankful there are finally some people of color featured on this show. Also I want to watch a spin-off about their catering company where they gossip about their clientele whilst serving up delicious smoked meats.

We leave the party proper to join Miss Ellie and Digger on their stroll around Southfork, as she imparts the tale of why she had to dump him for Jock so long ago: it was to save the ranch. It was the '30s, the Depression, you see, and marrying Jock meant Southfork would remain in her family. They "made a good marriage" and they love each other and she has no regrets, but she totally thinks about Digger often, honest. Judging by his expression, I'd say that Digger and I are on the same page here, and that page is "Oh, go fuck yourself, Miss Ellie."

Sue Ellen finds out about Pam's pregnancy from Lucy, of course, who once again busts out her patented Devilish Glee Face as she watches Sue Ellen pretend to be really happy for her sister-in-law.

if you put your ear up to the screen, it's like you can hear the eyebrows waggling

That's right--pretend to be happy. Sue Ellen has lost the race to make a Ewing heir, so she turns to her friend Booze, downing several glasses of champagne in succession. Folks, Sue Ellen has now planted both feet on that sloppy slippery slope to Drunksville and I, for one, could not be happier. I say this not because I want my beloved Sue Ellen to be a miserable drunk, necessarily...it's more that her miserable drunken antics are positively delightful. But oh, I'm getting ahead of myself! This is still but the fifth episode, and it's a long time before Sue Ellen hits the bottom of that slope.

Still, today's boozin' does lead to some wonderful moments. First, she rushes to tell J.R. about Pam's oven bun and how it's his fault she doesn't have an oven bun of her own. The point is, J.R.'s special barbecue outfit is my new everything. I'd murder any one of you to get a pair of those glasses!

A few glasses later, Sue Ellen is hammered and holds court with a table full of bouffanted grey hairs, and it's just the best. She downs wines both white and red as she goes on and on and on about her "unfulfilled needs" and the "conjugal circumstances" between her and J.R. No one responds with anything but a stare and I'm not sure whether or not this scene is supposed to be hilarious, but it 100% is.

Finally, it's reunionin' time! Bobby and Pam have finally rounded up Jock, Digger, and Miss Ellie to tell them about their fruitful "conjugal circumstances." For a moment--just a moment--it seems like everything might be okay. Everyone is happy and excited about the baby, Miss Ellie tells Jock he's "out of style" when he says he hopes it's a boy, and Pam's dreams of her kid having two granddaddies don't seem so far-fetched. Why, Digger and Jock even share a quick handshake, agreeing to try (or, at least, to try to try) to get along. Hooray for everything!

But oh, alas, alack, nothing gold can stay. Jock and Digger barely take a sip of their celebratory drinks (bourbon and soda, respectively) before they're at each others' throats again. Jock wants to spoil the grandkid and give it everything, Digger balks at Jock trying to take over everything again. Digger is all "you've stolen everything from me" and Jock is all "Pam needs to learn the truth"--the way he sees history, he just had to take all the oil claims because Digger would've gambled it all away. Jock really lays into Digger, saying "he's been a loser every day of his life--he couldn't even kill me the time he tried" and man, everyone present thinks Jock is an asshole. Even Miss Ellie tells him to shut up, and I admit, it was pretty great.

All of this drives Digger to grab the nearest bottle and start drinking, and no one can stop him. No one, I tells ya!

It's not long before poor ol' Daddy Barnes is completely sloshed and making a fool out of himself. Oh Digger, why'd you have to give Jock the satisfaction? This barbecue is turning into a complete disaster! Except for all of the people gathered around to watch this:


Once again, Jock is such an asshole...and also once again, David Wayne plays a really great drunk. And "As long as it's not Jimmy Ewing!" is one of the best things anyone has ever or will ever say on this show.

Say, where is Jimmy Ewing Barnes, anyway? Why, he's in the Hayloft of Sin with the tiny sex goblin, of course! Pam finds him and asks him and Lucy to take Digger home. She then decides to hang out there a while, despite the countless venereal pathogens that hay has surely soaked up.

Outside the barn, Sue Ellen is wasted, riding around in circles on a horse, and oh my goodness I love this show.

Bobby shows up, then J.R. shows up and he, too, is completely wasted. He calls Pam "trash, just plain trash" and what do you think happens? Why, Bobby punches him, of course, but not before making a pretty primo Grumpy Cat face.

As J.R. rolls around in the dirt whining "just plain trash" over and over, Bobby takes Sue Ellen back to the house. J.R. spots Pam up in the hayloft window and decides to go apologize...but Pam is having none of it. She and Bobby have decided to leave this hellhole! J.R. implores her not to go, not to break up the family, and then...well...

OOPS!

No, Pam is not dead--DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT HAPPENING--but she done lost the baby...and by "lost" I do not mean "misplaced." I told you- the best of times, the worst of times!

As she lies in bed recuperating, crying, and commiserating with Bobby, Jock interrupts to...well, not exactly to apologize, but to lay down some real fuckery: "Digger can't help being what he is anymore than we can help being what we are." Bobby says that the big issue now is that they lost the baby, and Jock says...Jock says...

"It's been a rough day for everybody."

Are you kidding me with that? At this point, I'm wondering if I might hate Jock more than I hate Miss Ellie, no matter how nice his hair is. The only good to come out of this is that it makes Pam dole out another glorious eyeroll.

Jock then gets to the real reason why he came up to the bedroom: he doesn't want Pam and Bobby to move out. He wants to keep the family together you see, and doesn't want to lose another son the way he lost Gary. Hey, here's a helpful tip for you, Jock: keeping your family together is about being good to them and not being an a-hole, not about forcing them to live under your roof forever like a weirdo power monger creep! Sakes alive, the Ewings are so fucked up!

Much to my chagrin, Pam agrees to stay at Southfork. The camera zooms in on her and Bobby holding hands, so you know that they're totally in love.

Outside, Sue Ellen leaves J.R. alone with his coffee and his thoughts...and as she walks away without touching him at all, you know they are totally not in love.

But who cares about love? No matter what your parents told you, you don't need love to make a baby. There's still a chance Sue Ellen could pop out a Ewing blanket ham before Pam does...but only if J.R., like, pays attention to her, if you know what I mean. You know. "Conjugal circumstances."

We'll have to wait until future episodes to see who's gettin' it on, though, because that's it for "Barbecue." That's also it for Season One, can you believe it? Yes, the first season of Dallas was a five-episode miniseries, and we've plowed through it. Next week we start Season Two: more punches, more booze, more sex, more eyerolls, and, I hope, more fucking enormous macramé wall art.