2.20 - CALL GIRL

Original airdate: February 23, 1979

Pam still hasn't returned to Southfork, but that's not good enough for J.R. In "Call Girl" we see just how far he'll go to get her out of his eyebrows for good. This episode bears all the hallmarks of what I love so much about this show and some hallmarks I didn't know I wanted. In a word, it's salacious! In two words, it's very salacious! In three? It's very mildly salacious!

The episode begins with a rather lengthy sequence of SPORTS ACTION as Bobby and J.R. face off on the racquetball courts. They are both sweaty, but Bobby makes it look sex-ay, all glistening in his tank top and shorty shorts.

Lest you think to yourself "J.R. and Bobby play racquetball? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This racquet club location--conveniently called The Racquet Club, natch--is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.

But that is to come! To now,  Pam is overseeing some kind of fashion shoot for The Store, which is great. I love the sort of nebulous career Pam has with this department store. She's a buyer! She's a fashion designer! She attends fashion shows and oversees fashion shoots! She works the floor! She creates displays! Sheeeeee's every woman (that is, if every woman works for The Store) and it's all in her. And it's no mystery as to why. The creativity on display here, with the woman lethargically posing in front of a plain background, is breathtaking.

One of those lethargic posers is Leanne, played by Veronica Hamel, who would go on to star in television's Hill Street Blues a couple of years later. Leanne and Pam are best friends...and lest you think to yourself "Pam and this character I've never seen or heard of before are best friends? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This best friendship is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.

All de-sweat-ed and cleaned up and back at Ewing Oil headquarters, J.R. is not having the best of times. It seems thanks to his position with the Office of Land Management, Cliff Barnes wields massive power and is making life difficult for his nemesis. (I told you, reader, leather padfolios and pen holders speak to said power!) J.R.'s cronies Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr failed to beat the manslaughter rap for Julie's death, and Ewing Oil and Villain in Chief no longer hold much clout with the rest of the oilmen. So long as Barnes is a risk, ain't no one joining forces with J.R. As you can plainly see, he is troubled by this development.

But as we know by now, J.R. and his eyebrows will not be held down for long. He's cooking up a scheme to get to the man who got Cliff the job in the first place, Ben Maxwell. Now, sure, I intimated--well, I outright stated--that Ben Maxwell is evil-seeming and creepy. He wants Cliff to displace folks in low-income neighborhoods and tear down their homes to make way for business developments, and he's got an unsettling manner that gives me the willies. But! "Call Girl" reveals his heretofore hidden depths of purity and goodness. He is not truly an evil overlord, he is simply beholden to some. (What's the difference, says I, but you catch Ben's drift.) He is dedicated to his wife and has no vices, not the sexy kind nor the boozy kind. He does play racquetball, however, and so he ends up on the court with J.R.

After a rousing match they head to The Racquet Club lounge where Maxwell proves maddeningly incorruptible. He will not do anything about the Cliff Barnes situation, nor will he drink any alcohol. Club soda and loving his wife are all he needs, thank you!

Best friends Pam and Leanne are also having lunch at The Racquet Club because Pam was hoping Bobby would be there, but alas. His absence and their marital problems have given Pam a real case of the sads, so Leanne suggests that Pam move into her spare bedroom. They are best friends, after all. Didn't you know? They run into J.R. and Ben Maxwell on their way out, and the encounter is delightful for two reasons: one, you can practically see a lightbulb go off above J.R.'s head when he gets and eyeload of Leanne. Two, when he asks "Can I buy you girls a drink?" Pam simply says NO and walks away.

But again, J.R. cannot be held down, and surprise, he's waiting at Leanne's apartment when she returns home.

Excuse me...he's waiting at Leanne's hideous eyesore of an apartment. I know I've talked before about the sensory overload the Dallas sets can induce, but Leanne's place is another level. Another garish level. It's like someone handed the set designer a blank check and just said "Go nuts. And when I say 'nuts,' I mean NUTS."

Anyway. It turns out that J.R. and Leanne already knew each other...although when they were in business cahoots and she was "running a string of girls," she was going by the name Amber. But she's turned her life around! She has a daughter now, who is staying with Leanne's mother. She's got a regular old job (you know, as a model) and she's left that call girl life in the past. Of course, no one is able to get a fresh start or leave their old life behind them when J.R. has a use for said old life, and so it is here. J.R. offers Leanne a wad of cash to seduce ol' pure boy Ben Maxwell, but she basically tells him to get stuffed. J.R. reminds her that the Texas child welfare system probably wouldn't look too kindly on a single mother with a call girl past, so mayhaps she will want to reconsider.

Later that evening, Pam calls Bobby to let him know that she's moved in with Leanne. He responds with "What's that? I'm sorry honey, I can't hear you over the hideously loud wallpaper behind you."

good lord

J.R. has telephoned one of his pals that works in the Vice Squad, and that slimeball offers to give Leanne "the B treatment," which means he tells her she's being arrested for solicitation, convinces her there's nothing she can do about it because no one will believe "a hooker," drives her around for an hour, then lets her go with a warning that he could do it again unless she "thanks" her "powerful friends." Here Dallas teaches us a vital lesson that resonates loudly even today: ACAB.

When Leanne returns home after her lesson, J.R. is waiting again. He not only wants her to seduce Ben Maxwell, he also wants her to rope Pam into it somehow. This will eliminate two of his birds with one scandal, and he'll give Leanne enough money to ensure that she truly can get that fresh start with her daughter. It is tempting, but setting up her best friend in the process? As you can plainly see, she is troubled by this development.

The dulcet tones of what I think is the Dallas sexophone play out, but it's actually the dulcet tones of the boozophone, which can only mean one thing: Sue Ellen is sloshed!

Seriously, let's all give Linda Gray all the standing ovations for finding ways to pose with a glass and/or bottle of booze every single week. I never get tired of it, but surely she did.

Apparently she skipped dinner, which we all know is a capital crime around Southfork. J.R. kindly reminds her that she's a "lush" and a "tramp" and the "only thing standing between her and the gutter" is the baby she's carrying so she'd better show up at the dinner table every night. It's positively shocking that she drinks, I tells ya!

Meanwhile, Bobby and Ray have been investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. It seems some good ol' boys cut a hole in the fence around Southfork and made off with some cattle. Bobby and Ray end up at a saloon where it turns out that Kit Mainwaring, son of another venerable Dallas oil family, is also investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. Before you can say "TESTOSTERONE," fists and sawdust are flying in a bonafide barroom brawl. I am not exaggerating when I say that I counted the sounds of 29 punches. And oops, somehow Bobby's shirt flew open in the scuffle!

At breakfast the next morning, Bobby explains his scratched up face and Jock is jealous: "Nothin' I like better than a little fight now and then!" and his glee over this is...somehow...it's somehow...hold on, this painful for me to say.

It's somehow...endearing. I don't understand it, but there it is. This is the first episode in which I found myself liking Jock for more than just his incredible hair, and it's because I am enjoying his ridiculous childish machismo! 2020 continues to be a wild ride, I guess.

Kit Mainwaring shows up (at Bobby's invitation) so they can discuss The Case of the Cattle Rustlers and uh oh, Lucy's tiny sex goblin senses start tingling. He's "gorgeous," she proclaims, all googly-eyed and giggly, and methinks this may not be the last we see of young Mr. Mainwaring.

Leanne has decided to go through with J.R.'s scheme, and as such she "just happens" to run into Ben Maxwell at The Racquet Club. J.R. spies on them for a bit to make sure that Operation: Seduce Ben Maxwell has launched, and reader, let me tell you...I desperately want to get this moment tattooed somewhere on my person:

The image of J.R. nefariously snooping next to a potted plant filled me with the same glee Jock feels for fistfights and violence! I feel refreshed, revived, and reinvigorated. It is as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Oil of Olay's age-defying--excuse me, as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Principal Secret's age-defying salves, lotions, unguents, ointments, and balms.

Satisfied, J.R. enlists the services of a photographer who is also trying to leave his sordid past behind him--he doesn't take these types of incriminating photos anymore! But J.R. and his money talk some sweet talk and so even more morals are compromised in this episode.

Leanne wields her feminine wiles and gets Ben Maxwell good and liquored up. Having convinced him that she's super horny for him, she brings him to Chez Hideous for a "nightcap" (sex). She tricks him into going into Pam's bedroom, and I am reminded of the inciting incident in the 1980 Canadian slasher flick Terror Train where as a prank, a bunch of jerks trick poor Kenny into hopping into bed with a corpse they stole from a medical college. There, Kenny's mind snaps and he goes on a murderous revenge spree. Here, it's not a corpse, it's a sleeping Pam. And Ben Maxwell's mind doesn't snap, he gets mad; nor does he go on a murderous revenge spree. He just leaves! So I guess it's not really like Terror Train much at all, but like I said that's where my mind went and I just thought you should know.

Pam wakes up during all this and is as confused as you likely are about all that Terror Train business.

"Wha-huh? Phew, thought I was a corpse for a second there"

This Three's Company-style mix-up was caught on film by the morally compromised photographer and the next morning the scandal is front page news, complete with a headline in, like, 500pt font.

It is so stupid and I love it endlessly.

The paper is passed around the Southfork breakfast table and reactions are mixed. Miss Ellie doesn't believe Pam would be caught in a love nest. Lucy proclaims it "awful," while Sue Ellen is all in. "It looks like she didn't learn anything during her time here," she says. I do adore it when Sue Ellen gets all rich lady snooty!

Bobby doesn't believe it either, and goes so far as to accuse J.R. of having something to do with it. J.R. denies it--Pam is just a simple tramp, that's all, which causes Bobby's eyes of madness to activate.

You know what that means: scuffle! Jock pries his sons apart and barks at J.R.: "If I find out you had anything to do with it, I'll kick your tail over into the next county!"

WHY DO I LOVE THIS? Is this a Covid symptom?

Her job done, Leanne packs her bags and is ready to split. Pam hasn't seen the newspaper yet and still has no idea that any of this was a purposeful setup and not a simple (and sexy!) late-night mistake. Leanne, ever the best friend, is like "leave me alone, the apartment doesn't matter, don't ask me any questions, sorry, bye."

J.R. meets with his fellow oilmen, all ready to celebrate Ben Maxwell's downfall. But the oildudes still aren't ready to join forces with Ewing Oil again. Cliff Barnes is still making trouble at the pleasure of Maxwell's boss. Womp womp, J.R., your scheme was for naught!

The other half of his scheme, wherein he sought to break up Bobby and Pam for good, also fails. It doesn't drive them apart; rather, it unites them like they've never been united before. Pam takes a lot of convincing--she was all packed and ready to skip town to avoid the scandal and surely no one at Southfork wants her there because of the scandal and oh she'll never recover from the scandal. "It's time to come home, Pam," Bobby says, reminding her that if she leaves, J.R. finally gets what he wants. She doesn't want J.R. to win, does she? To beat J.R. she must live with J.R.! FOREVER.

And so, at long last, Pam returns to Southfork. As with the scandal, reactions are mixed. Lucy and Miss Ellie are elated. Jock is...fine with it.

Sue Ellen, booze in hand, is less enthused. She's surprised Pam would show her (perfect) face around the ranch after she's brought such disgrace to the family. With the scandal, duh. Call me crazy, but it kind of seems like Sue Ellen is projecting.

They draw out the Pam/J.R. reunion for a few comedic moments, with the latter unaware that his morning is about to be ruined by the reappearance of his nemesis-in-law, who is lurking behind him.

This reminded me of the 1978 slasher flick Halloween...you know, this scene where Annie is out in the little laundry house, washing the pants she spilled butter all over and talking on the phone with Paul, and Michael Myers lurks in the shadows, watching her.

Yeah, that scene! Anyway, all of J.R.'s plans got foiled so hard in this episode, the ending may as well have included the Price is Right loser horn jingle. Again I say: womp womp, J.R. Womp womp indeed!