2.21 - ROYAL WEDDING

Original airdate: March 9, 1979

Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, "How can this week's episode possibly top the dizzying highs of last week's sexless sexnanigans?" A valid question, but let me tell you--"Royal Wedding" tops it in so many ways, I don't have enough fingers to count them! From the opening seconds it's obvious we're in for something special. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the opening seconds of this episode yourself:


A full minute dedicated to a disco scene with yes, Lucy Ewing and Kit Mainwaring amongst the satin-clad bootyshakers. Is it not glorious? It's been awhile since we've had a proper scene of the young folk shaking their groove things...if I recall correctly, the last was all the way back in episode 2, when a new disco opened in Braddock and Pam and Bobby got the fuck down. I know we're not going to get many more disco scenes--if any--as the show continues, and that's such a shame. What a time it was! Cocaine and hair flying, people of all stripes smiling and dancing, not a lick of irony or cynicism in sight. The Ronald Reagan era (aka the beginning of the end) was still a few years away and "greed" wasn't the total way of life for American society yet. Did the uber-wealthy families of Dallas help usher in that "money and mine above all" sentiment? It is certainly possible! But those are thoughts for another time. This episode in particular deserves respect. I'm serious, it does! You'll see, I swear.

Anyway yes, Lucy and the "gorgeous" Kit Mainwaring, whom we met last episode, are an item. A make-y-out-y item,  as we see when the duo returns to Kit's place for some "backgammon." I don't know why I put that in quotes, it's not a euphemism. They really play backgammon. And they make out. Did I mention they make out? Because they do.

See? Told you

Lucy mentions that there's a college in New England she wants to attend after she graduates high school, but she's sure her grandparents will make her stay in Dallas, which is gross. Kit's family is a wealthy oil family like the Ewings, but his parents aren't as gross and don't force him to live with them. He's got his very own, very brown apartment like a big boy, but they did hire a butler (named Jesús) to keep an eye on him...so, okay, they're partially as gross as the Ewings are.  What is with these rich people?

Lucy is ready to go all the way, if you know what I mean (SEX), but Kit demurs. He cares too much about her and doesn't want to treat her like she's "cheap," after all. She starts casually throwing around the word "marriage," but he demurs about that, too. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

Kit takes Lucy home and they run into J.R., who is all smiles and sunshine when he sees the young Mr. Mainwaring. Lucy and I have the same thought: That is not at all like J.R. What is he up to? Our paths then diverge: Lucy makes out with Kit again while I...well, I guess I watch them make out. That sounds pervy, but may I remind you this is a television show, it is meant to be watched.

J.R.'s smile immediately fades the moment he enters his bedroom, and the reason why is immediately apparent. The boozophone starts playing. What's the boozophone? This is the boozophone:



And what does the boozophone herald? The boozophone heralds this:

Reader, I know there is nothing funny about a heavily pregnant woman who is passed out dead drunk, glass in hand. But oh, that music and this image had me going for a good long while I tells ya.

The next morning, the requisite "breakfast at Southfork" scene is a pastiche of clueless dysfunction. Pam tells Bobby she might have to work late, and he reminds her yet again that she "can always quit" the job she obviously really loves. Sue Ellen is still a bit drunk, and Lucy is "just gonna have a little eggs" because she's still on a diet. She ends up skipping the eggs altogether when J.R.--clearly still up to something--suggests that she and Kit have dinner with him and Sue Ellen. The notion makes her too sick to eat her breakfast, you see, but she reluctantly agrees to the dinner.

At said dinner, J.R. says that when we was but a wee bonny lad, he would follow Jock to the Ewing Oil offices and working in the family business is all he's ever wanted to do. Kit, on the other hand, is only at Mainwaring Oil to please his parents and get a touch of "real life" which will he claims help inform his true career aspirations as a writer. "He's even been published!" Lucy exclaims, all googly-eyed. J.R. then intercepts Sue Ellen's booze order, calls her and himself "old folks," and earns himself another one of her patented sideways glares that I love so so much:

As he stands to leave, J.R. gives Kit and Lucy some money to treat themselves to another night at Jimmy's Disco (!!!) and again Lucy wonders what his ulterior motives are.

The next day we get a taste of Kit's "real life" experiences at Mainwaring Oil. His father is pleased to see him being responsible and doing...I don't know, business paperwork, especially considering that Kit was apparently wild for a while after he left home, drinking and gambling and who-knows-what-else-ing. If Kit is serious about Lucy, his family will overlook their bad feelings about the Ewings and support his settling down with her. To prove they're serious, they're going to a party--excuse me, to a gala celebration the Ewings are throwing for some reason.

This party gala celebration, dammit is so good, you guys, every minute of it. First of all, if you think that the Ewings don't know how to par-tay, you'd better think again! I mean, just check out the band they hired!

Is this The Coffins, playing at one of Lucy's parties at last? "Why not," says I. "Certainly not!" says Sue Ellen. The final decision, reader, is yours.

Speaking of Sue Ellen, SURPRISE she's drunk! She's drunk and flirting heavily with a gentleman, and before she can make a complete fool of herself, Pam and Miss Ellie try to whisk her off to a Southfork interior far away from the festivities. Sue Ellen, however will not be whisked easily! She puts up a brief, angry-drunk fight, but eventually relents. It is important to note that like the booze, the gowns are flowing.

Ray and Lucy share a nice moment where Ray tells her how happy for her he is, and she tells him how happy for herself she is, and she's in love, and couldn't you just awwwwww.

Meanwhile, Kit and Bobby are having a chat and like the booze and the gowns, the velvet and the chest hair are flowing.

AND THEN.

Kit's parents show up but who cares about them? I care about the appearance of another party guest: my beloved Alpha Queen in Purple is there! IN PURPLE!

Listen, we will get to her in a bit, oh yes we will. But first! Pam and Bobby share a tender moment...under the chicken piñata??

Reader, I gasped. Although I suppose I should have expected its appearance; after all, nothing says "gala celebration" like a single, random chicken piñata.

I began to suspect that all the way back in 1979, the Dallas producers and set designers and directors could see me in the future, eyes scouring every corner of the screen as I soak up every detail to regale you with later in my recaps, and so they filled every background of every shot of this party gala celebration with wonders just for me (and subsequently you). How else to explain that chicken? How else to explain not only that first appearance of the Alpha Queen in Purple, but also that she fucking blatantly and oh so boldly photobombs Lucy and Kit as they tell everyone that they've just gotten engaged?

Yeah yeah, Lucy and Kit got engaged, sure, whatever.

Aw, I shouldn't downplay it so much. According to the society pages in the newspaper the next morning, this is big news!

Lucy says that she and Kit want a small wedding with just the two families, but J.R. reminds her of her "social responsibilities." Sue Ellen suggests there'll be around 300 guests, but at least everyone is, you know, considerate enough to allow Lucy to invite her parents Val and Gary to the wedding.

J.R. then tells Lucy that he wants to buy her a car as a graduation gift, and finally she's like "Okay yes I want the car but why are you being so nice lately?" He doesn't go into specifics with her, but he does tell her that as a Ewing, she should know when there's a deal to be made.

And a deal to be made there is! With Mainwaring Oil! Cliff Barnes and the Office of Land Management have already approved Mainwaring's plans for an oil refinery in the gulf. J.R. is going to use the pending merger of Kit and Lucy (sounds hot) as a way to glom on to that refinery deal. The refinery will make them rich(er), and J.R. can give the metaphorical middle finger (also sounds hot) to Barnes and the oildudes who gave Ewing Oil the brushoff in the previous episode.

That night, Lucy, Kit, Bobby, and Pam head to the disco once more. Again, I may not get many of these scenes in the future but boy is this episode treating me right! There are shiny fabrics and shiny faces as far as the eye can see. Kit and Lucy take a break and a particularly shiny young man comes over to say hello to Kit. Lucy is pleased to be talking to this person, while Kit is...decidedly less pleased. Hmm. HMM I SAY.

The shiny young fellow leaves and Kit explains that he is Sam, and Sam was Kit's college roommate. AGAIN I SAY HMM I SAY.

And yes, this means that Kit is out of college, hasn't lived at home in years, works a job after time carousing...and is dating a high school student. But don't worry! They make a point of telling us that she's "almost 19." (She wasn't when she was canoodling with Ray in The Hayloft of Sin, but we don't talk about that anymore, okay? Okay??)

After this shiny encounter, Kit and Lucy head to Kit's apartment again but backgammon is not on the menu tonight, oh no. Kit wants Lucy. Kit needs Lucy. It is time to DO IT. And once more I say oh, Dallas producers and set designers and directors, are you calling out to me from the past? Is that why Kit has a chicken print on his wall? To amuse me? Or is that in fact a male chicken, if you know what I mean, and deliberately there to cheekily hint at what we, uh, might already suspect about Kit?

In the post-coital times, Lucy is positively moony. She's never felt this way about anyone, and no one has ever treated her the way that Kit does. He gives her love and attention! He respects her! She's no longer the spoiled rich brat we've seen in every previous episode. She's a woman now, and she's in lurve. Kit assures her that he loves her also but he seems...mmm...not as excited as she is about all of this, let's say.

The next day he goes to see Bobby at Ewing Oil HQ in order to ask some advice. It's been a few weeks now since the engagement announcement, and Kit needs to call off the wedding. What should he do? Shockingly, Bobby doesn't accept "I just can't go through with it" as a good enough excuse to break Lucy's heart, so he presses Kit for a reason. Finally Kit says it! "I'm a homosexual, Bobby." To say the least, Bobby is stunned.

See? Told you

Kit goes on to explain that he originally went out with Lucy for appearances. He grew to truly love her as a person and admire her, but that doesn't change who he is, and neither did sleeping with her the night before. He doesn't want to hurt her any further, so he needs to call off the wedding. Bobby is...pretty cool about all of this, actually. He doesn't like that it's going to hurt his niece and he can't help in that regard, but he says Kit's personal life is his own business. Reader, I gasped!

And I gasped again, even louder, in the next scene when guess who I see pawing over Lucy's wedding gifts whilst waiting for Sue Ellen?

There she is again! IN PURPLE! Ahem, excuse me, she will always be the Alpha Queen in Purple, but here we finally learn that her name is Marilee. I googled to make sure I was spelling her name right and you guys, hold onto your butts: she is listed as being in 73 episodes of this show. She is Marilee Stone and while I got only the barest hint of what is come for her (I didn't want to spoil myself or you), let me just say that I am so psyched and I am hereby proclaiming myself to be the #1 (and #only, to be sure) Marilee Stone stan. So say we all.

Sue Ellen finally shows up and almost passes out. But she's fine! She's just a little dizzy because pregnancy doesn't agree with her, that's all. Honest! Do Marilee Stone and Not Marilee Stone believe this excuse? What does this screencap tell you?

Miss Ellie obviously doesn't believe Sue Ellen, and neither does Lucy. In fact, when all the Daughters of the Alamo finally head out to lunch, Lucy doesn't believe it for so long that she ends up staring directly into the camera for several seconds, as if willing the director to cut.

I tell you, the gifts this episode gives me are endless.

At Ewing Oil HQ, J.R. has forged that refinery deal with Kit's father, but Bobby tells him not to get too excited about it because Kit's about to call off the wedding. J.R. refuses to accept this, but Bobby assures him it's in Lucy's best interest. "What's she got to do with this?" he asks, and goes on to reveal that he knows all about Kit's secret. And that secret is no excuse, according to J.R. "Women marry homosexuals all the time!" he says. "Seems to suit a lot of 'em."

Bobby is shocked that J.R. would sink so low as to investigate Kit Mainwaring and I say really, Bobby? This shocks you? Of course J.R. knows, he knows everything about everybody! He knows so much that he's practically the Shadow Broker from Mass Effect! That's a video game reference that probably none of you will get but I'm going to make it anyway because trust me, it's pretty spot on. Anyway, as Bobby learns all of this, he makes nearly the same face he makes when he learned that Kit is gay. I guess this is Bobby's "learning something" face.

J.R. threatens to make a big stinky scandal if Kit calls off the wedding, because Kit is no threat to him. "Kit Mainwaring is more of a man, J.R., than you'll ever be," Bobby says, and I high-fived my television.

Unsurprisingly, J.R. goes to Kit's apartment to talk him out of calling off the wedding. Kit needs a beard after all, doesn't he? And if he's a part of J.R.'s family, no one ever has to know the truth. Lucy will be happy, J.R. will be happy, and Kit...well, I guess Kit doesn't matter.

But I'll tell you what does matter: Kit has a piece of art on his coffee table that is...a severed foot?? THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE.

That night, Kit tells Lucy the truth. Sam wasn't just his roommate, they were lovers. He got with her to try to be "socially normal" and "accepted" and make his parents happy, but he just can't go through with it. Lucy insists that she can, that everything will be fine and she'll live with the arrangement. No, Kit insists. "I've got to learn to like myself the way I am," he says, and reader, I gasped.

Incidentally, this is Lucy's "learning something" face

Lucy is crushed, of course, but she promises to handle J.R. and promises that there will be no scandal for anyone.

It is remarkable to me that this show would frankly address homosexuality in a way that is so informed and respectful. I can't really stress enough how groundbreaking this was. The period between the 1969 Stonewall riots (which marked the beginning of gay liberation) and the AIDS epidemic that would begin in the very early 80s was one of great progress and change for the LGBT community. Throughout the 1970s gay folks began...well, being acknowledged. News programs treated homosexuality as a bit of a curiosity, something that needed explaining for the average viewer. Gay characters appeared occasionally in movies, but oftentimes they either killed or were killed. It wasn't until 1977's Soap that a gay character regularly appeared on a TV sitcom. In TV dramas there was...no one that I know of.

For Dallas--which was a smash success and would soon be on top of the ratings for several years--to feature a character like Kit Mainwaring is truly daring. He is treated with respect by the other characters on the show (even J.R. just wants to use it as blackmail fodder, as you'd expect). Even more importantly, Kit has respect for himself. There is no "love of a good woman" that can change him, no matter how good that woman is. He wants to live his life on his own terms. That he is afforded this is truly pioneering for 1979. Heck, we're only just starting to see gay characters that don't have to die at the end of a narrative or don't end up alone or they aren't the villains. Dallas was way ahead of its time here, and I don't think I've ever loved it more.

ESPECIALLY considering that we get more Marilee Stone! The Daughters of the Alamo have returned from their all-day lunch, and Marilee shadily brings up Sue Ellen's "dizzy spells" and I was in Heaven. Then Lucy shows up and promptly tells everyone that the wedding is off. She makes up a story about how Kit would get really jealous and possessive whenever she talked to her friends so she doesn't want to marry him. J.R. tries to object, but everyone hushes him up. Meanwhile, Marilee and Not Marilee are psyched as shit about this gossip and practically leave a trail of fire behind them as they promptly leave.

I'm her #1 fan, you know

Lucy has gone into another room to (understandably) bawl her eyes out, and Bobby earns maximum Cool Uncle points for talking her through it. He tells her that if Kit didn't really love her, he would have gone ahead and married her under false pretenses, and that it took a lot of guts for Kit to tell her the truth about himself. Reader, you guessed it. I gasped! This show!

Surely this is one of the best episodes in Dallas's entire run, no? Sure, it's not as salacious or crazy as the really fun stuff, but it's honestly a piece of television history that deserves recognition and respect. It's a wonderful showcase for Charlene Tilton, who runs the gamut from comedic mugging to googly-eyed love to shaking her satin-clad booty to full-on sobbing heartbreak. She's really terrific here and as a viewer you can tell she's really got a grip on who Lucy Ewing is. You love to see it.

And let's not forget about that chicken piñata! Why this episode didn't win all the Emmys I'll never understand.