2.19 - SUE ELLEN'S SISTER

Original airdate: February 16, 1979


Oh my, my, my y'all, things are starting to heat up! This week we've got some wheeling, some dealing, some chest heaving and some new hair...cleaving. Uh, yes, that all makes perfect sense. Read on to find out how!

The last time we saw Sue Ellen's titular sister Kristin, she was seductively eating pears in J.R.'s general direction. Now J.R. has invited her to Southfork where she is dazzling the Ewing men with her backgammon prowess. The women are decidedly less impressed, especially Lucy, who storms out of the room because Grandpa Jock doesn't pay her enough attention while this new young lass is hanging around.

Of particular note in this scene is Bobby's chest, all hanging out there. Let me tell you, if you are a Bobby's chest enthusiast you will be positively thrilled with "Sue Ellen's Sister." This episode cranks the beefcake meter up to eleven!

Kristin decides that backgammon needs some higher stakes--some ten cents per point stakes. "A girl's gotta think about her future," she says. Sue Ellen notes this. J.R. notes this. Kristin notes them noting this. The room is suddenly awash with the scent of deviousness! And, if I had to wager, probably Brut by Fabergé.

In the boudoir later, Sue Ellen has bedded her old pal booze and a book. First of all, I really want to know what she's reading! Second...she is just a straight-up alcoholic now and a very pregnant one at that. I love the Booze Ellen storylines in a salacious soap opera way, but the way no one comments on it despite the risk to the unborn child they're usually salivating over is a big yikes. Those were the days!

Anyway, Sue Ellen susses out J.R.'s scheme; seducing her little sister might be a step too far, even for him. But using Kristin to further drive a wedge between Bobby and his absentee wife Pam...yes, that might be just the thing.

The next morning, Sue Ellen and Kristin get to talking. Sue Ellen wants to dissuade her little sister from following in her footsteps lest she make the same mistakes. Money isn't everything, after all, and a different path would have led to a happier life. Kristin is not convinced, and I can't say I blame her. Sue Ellen hasn't provided any details as to why her life at Southfork is a living heck. Also they're, you know, having this conversation in and around the in-ground swimming pool whilst their every need is met by servants.

Besides! Kristin is tired of living in Sue Ellen's shadow. Growing up it was always "Sue Ellen is so pretty" this and "have a Sue Ellen hand-me-down" that...and what better way to stop being seen as a pale imitation of Sue Ellen than to, uh, marry a Ewing and move into Southfork?

Before Sue Ellen can argue with Kristin's sound logic, Cliff calls her. Don't get excited! The embers of their dead romance may still glow, but they're not being resuscitated today. Cliff simply wants the inside scoop on some Ewing oil land leases. J.R. doesn't discuss business with her, but she has overheard and memorized a shit ton of details. Let that be a warning to all of us: Sue Ellen hears you, and she knows.

Excuse me. I need to take a moment here as I prepare to reveal this episode's most shocking development. At my advanced age (I am 86 years old) I avoid things like bungee jumping, rollercoasters, hot peppers, episodes of Punk'd, State of the Union addresses, and anything else that might startle me too much. This episode should have come with a trigger warning, but it did not! And so I am providing one for you, or at least I am acting as a kind of buffer, warning you to brace yourself for what is to come. Are you sitting down? Okay. Here it comes.

PAM GOT BANGS.

I knew the glory days would have to end at some point. Look, don't get me wrong! These bangs are not bad. These days are still pretty glorious. But I can't help but look at them as a sort of death knell. I know what's coming. I've seen the pictures. Sure, sure, we all love and loved the 80s but mark my words. Mark them! Those bangs might feel like a light breeze, but trust...there's a storm on the horizon, a typhoon of terrible tresses, and those bangs are its harbinger.

But let's not dwell on the dark days to come, hmm? Pam and her new bangs are meeting with Bobby (even though he left her standing on the street in a fabulous coat at the end of the previous episode...the nerve) but, you know, their minds are not meeting. They still cannot seem to find a path forward together. Pam loves Bobby, but not his family. Bobby is like "okay, I hear you, but come live with my family anyway." Will they ever reunite? Or are Pam's new bangs one of those breakup / fresh start hairdos?

So about those oil field leases I mentioned earlier. Cliff is meeting with an old ranch dude who is the last holdout against signing a deal with the Ewings. Without a lease to his land, the Ewings can't drill and they're losing millions of dollars. Cliff, as the new head of the Office of Land Management, knows this and uses it as an opportunity to stick it to his nemeses. He convinces old ranch dude to sell a percentage to Digger, who can then reap the rewards from tappin' dat oil.

The only hitch in his plan is that, uh, no one knows where Digger is, and Cliff doesn't have enough money on his own to buy the percentage. He asks Pam to get a loan from her husband to cover the rest of it and when she balks, he plays the "Oh wow, you don't want to help dad?  Are you a Barnes or a Ewing?" card. What a jerk! It would be bad enough if he were just giving her a massive guilt trip, but Cliff has conveniently not mentioned how this plan will screw over the Ewings.

I say Pam should get a buzzcut à la Imperator Furiosa and drive a big rig on outta all these fools' lives forever, but she doesn't. Instead, she asks Bobby and Bobby says sure, have some money.

That night, Kristin is twirling around the Southfork foyer, surely fantasizing about spending the rest of her days there. Before you can say "Wow, that reminds me of Sue Ellen," Lucy enters and says "You remind me of Sue Ellen." In fact, Lucy appears several times throughout the episode to act as Kristin's own personal Kassandra of Troy, giving her "advice" and/or simply snarking at her. It's pretty great.

The next morning, Sue Ellen once again reminds J.R. that she simply will not stand for his using Kristin as a pawn in his devious games...as if, what, J.R. would say "You're right, sugar, my bad," and stop? He lives to scheme! And scheme he does, telling Kristin that she should ask Bobby to drive her into Dallas so she can check out the "really nice architecture."

A few moments later we learn that "really nice architecture" is not a euphemism. In the car, Kristin name-drops I.M. Pei and talks about her interest in architecture and her desire to attend school in southern California to study it...unless, of course, a nice husband comes along first. HINT HINT.

"MAYBE THERE'S A NICE HUSBAND IN THIS CAR RIGHT NOW."

Meanwhile, J.R. finds out that Pam and the money she got from Bobby are the reasons the old ranch dude is still holding out on signing the oil lease over to the Ewings. Way more importantly, this scene is a reminder of J.R.'s large snail paperweight which, it should be said, is also not a euphemism!

J.R. is mad about all of this but he's also, you know, kinda psyched about it because he can use it to widen the divide between Pam and Bobby. And use it he does, telling Bobby all about it and telling Kristin that Bobby's marriage is over and it's time to wrap up the ol' seduction.

Bobby asks Pam about it and she's as shocked as I was over those bangs, but she refuses to believe her brother had any bad ulterior motives. Bobby lays into her, calling her hypocritical for always thinking the worst about the Ewings but the best about Cliff. Pobody's nerfect, after all. "It's time you grew up, Pamela," he says and leaves her in the metaphorical dust.

That night, Jock is fuming about all the bidness holdups and the millions of dollars it's costing the family. J.R. hasn't been able to seal the deal, but Bobby volunteers to talk to Cliff and old ranch dude to see what can be done. "You fail," Jock says, "and we'll do whatever we have to." I wonder...are we supposed to be on Jock's side here? Surely no, right? Surely we're meant to see his behavior in this scene as the reason why J.R. is so ruthless and why Bobby is so brainwashed? How the need to please "daddy" has warped their morality? How this beloved patriarch / domineering a-hole has ruined the lives of everyone around him, even while their buckets and buckets of money leave them feeling that everything is fine? Or is it just me?

That evening, Bobby and Pam are still at an impasse. Pam and her bangs suggest they have lunch the next day but Bobby and his bare chest are all "Nah, what's the point?" and he hangs up on her. The brown and yellow that have exploded all over these two sets serve to emphasize the sad feelings.

The next day, Bobby tries to settle the lease deal with Cliff, but Cliff ain't backing down. In addition to everything else they've done to the Barneses, the Ewings ruined the election for him and they got him thrown in jail on a trumped up murder charge. He'll stop at nothing--nothing, I tells ya--to get back at 'em...even if it means using Pam to do so! Bobby warns him that if Cliff doesn't give this up he'll let J.R. go hog wild on him (sadly, this is also not a euphemism) and the Ewings will absolutely destroy him. Yay!

Before he heads off to see the old ranch dude, Bobby swings by Southfork where Kristin is acting awfully thirsty, if you know what I mean. Lucy, lounging by the pool, advises her that she'd be better off pointing her boner at J.R. because even though he's having marriage troubles, Bobby's not the kind to stray.

Rather than heed this advice, Kristin heads to Bobby's bedroom, just as Bobby happens to be buttoning up his shirt. This episode has enough bare chest shots to compose a beefcake calendar!

What in the dowdy-ass HELL is Kristin wearing?

Kristin convinces him to play some tennis with her after he sees the old ranch dude. Bobby's like what? Architecture? Tennis? Is there anything Kristin can't do? As it turns out, no, there's nothing she can't do, because her mother has given her extensive...ahem..."geisha training." This means she should be "good but not too good at anything that might interest a man," and yet again this episode has left me reeling! It is difficult to know whether or not the writers are passing judgment on Kristin or her mother here. But the glimpses of feminism we get in the show from time to time are fascinating. Second-wave feminism and the idea of "women's liberation" were really starting to inform pop culture, and Dallas is a prime example of ideologies clashing. There's Pam's desire to have a career vs. Jock's "the Ewing women don't work" stance. There's the question of whether the Daughters of the Alamo should have political minds of their own or simply back their husbands'. We have Lucy's rebellious nature contrasted with Kristin's "how to please a man" lessons, and Sue Ellen warning Kristin that she, too, had a desperate desire to land a husband and her life turned out miserable because of it. I love this show!

Anyway, Bobby offers the old ranch dude a 21% stake in the profits; it's not the 25% it's worth, but it's a better deal than what he'll get if the Ewings take him to court. To get my dander up even more over his scumbag capitalist behaviors, Bobby says "Now let's go play tennis!" to Kristin. And then they do!

That night, J.R. sidles up to Kristin to see how Operation: Land Bobby is going. Bobby is convinced that this intimate scene implies canoodling rather than conniving, and chastises his older brother for putting the make on Sue Ellen's sister.

You can see how Bobby might have misinterpreted

Meanwhile, Pam confronts Cliff. Did he just use her to get back at Bobby? Is he only making things worse for her marriage? Finally Cliff is honest--like J.R., he is also trying to break up the marriage. Pam needs to get back to her roots! She can't be a Barnes and a Ewing, and she needs to choose. You probably know how Pam reacts to this.

Wonder Pam powers activate! Form of...Not the One

Pam is really caught between a Barnes and a Ewing place. Is there any difference between the two? She apologizes to Bobby for not believing him about Cliff's involvement, but she also says that if Cliff is a rat it's only because J.R. turned him into one. This makes Bobby mad! Will this drive him into Kristin's arms?

Sort of! That night Kristin makes her move, telling Bobby he looks sad and then going right in for a kiss.

To his credit, Bobby demurs. He sees Kristin like he sees Lucy, and he'd like it if they could be friends. But that's not enough for Kristin...it's husband or bust for her!

On her way out of Bobby's room she runs into Lucy, who gloats whilst holding a large glass of milk.

She tells Kristin that she's better off leaving, that she's in Lucy's way and if she stays at Southfork she'll end up "a big loser." A strange expression crosses Lucy's face, though whether it's that she feels bad about saying mean things to Kristin or whether she realizes that staying at Southfork will also make her a big loser is unclear.

Kristin finds no quarter with her big sister, either. Sue Ellen tells her that it's best if she goes to join their mother in Santa Fe.

Poor, sad Kristin! Of course, savvy Dallas fans know that she'll be back, oh yes indeed. However, when she returns she won't be Colleen Camp anymore...she'll be Mary Crosby. Ah, the magic of television!

Bobby and Pam have yet another conversation about the state of their relationship. Pam says she doesn't want to be a Barnes or a Ewing anymore...what if (GASP) she and Bobby made a life of their own, away from all the family feuds? They could go anywhere! Anywhere that is not Southfork! But Bobby will only take Southfork as an answer. Living somewhere else would mean, I don't know, the terrorists would win or something. The only possible way for them to prove they really love each other is to live in a single room in someone else's house!

You know what, bangs or no bangs, she looks great

He leaves Pam with a mandate: decide. The choice seems obvious to me, but we're left hanging until next time!