1.3 - SPY IN THE HOUSE

Original airdate: April 16, 1978

Here we are, another Friday, another episode of Dallas as we march ever onward and unravel the Ewing mysteries.

Holy shit, why wasn't there ever a spinoff called Ewing Mysteries starring Sue Ellen as a private investigator, featuring guest stars like Charles Napier and Lee Grant? It's not too late, someone get Hollywood on the phone! Ugh, enough about my perfect dream ideas...let's get to this week's episode, shall we?

Things kick off in downtown Dallas at Ewing Oil HQ, where everyone is on edge because of a noisy remodel going on in Bobby's office. Julie decides it's lunchtime, and as she and J.R. flirt their way through his lunch order, we learn what he eats every afternoon: roast beef on rye with mustard and mayonnaise. This lends credence to my long-standing belief that you should never, ever trust anyone who enjoys rye bread. It's the worst bread. The worst! Even worse than the bread I bit into that time and I was immediately all "This is weird in a terrible way!" and I looked and there was mold on the bottom. Yes, rye bread tastes worse than that.

Ugh, enough about my superior taste in breads...the point here is that we've learned something about J.R., and it's not the last thing we'll learn about him today.

"Ooh, tell me more about your condiment choices, lover."

Bobby totally can't handle the incessant construction noise in his office, so with a "That tears it!" he's off to work at home. He and Julie walk out together, making small talk about his new position in the company and how's the new marriage going and blah blah and Bobby says:

"You know, it probably would have been a lot easier on Pammy if J.R. had married you instead."

WHAT. First of all, what is this "Pammy" shit? "Momma", "Daddy", "Pammy"...why does Bobby feel the need to infantilize everyone--ohhhh, is it a manifestation of his resentment over everyone calling him "Bobby" despite the fact that he's a grown man? I'm going to say YES and let my wild speculation color my viewing of every future episode.

At any rate, Julie insists that J.R.'s choosing to marry Sue Ellen instead of her is "ancient history" and she's just fine and dandy and happy being relegated to a life as his secretary/kept woman/sandwich fetcher.

Bobby leaves and Cliff Barnes strolls up. He asks Julie out to dinner for I guess the millionth time and she refuses for I guess the millionth time because after all, he's an enemy of the Ewings and therefore an enemy of her. Look, to be honest, I kind of stopped paying attention to what they were saying because I became enthralled with all of the "background artists" who couldn't keep their eyes off of the camera. The rest of the scene was like a Where's Waldo of awesome people!

At Southfork, Jock entertains a crony with drinks and a game of Gin Rummy like a proper Old Person. It turns out that the crony is a longtime friend and a senator to whom Jock loaned $50,000 years ago. No demands have been made regarding repayment, but the senator has voted in favor of Ewing Oil every time the opportunity has arisen. Imagine that! Cliff Barnes smells corruption and is closing in, but Jock teaches us an important lesson: corruption is okay as long as the scheme involves a friend. What a slimeball he is! Still, though, that hair.

would it be weird to make a sweater out of it

Bobby gets a whole two hours of work done before Pam insists on a boink break in "the little house", which you'll be happy to know is not a euphemism. They actually live in a little house right off Southfork's main driveway, and on the walk there, we are treated to a taste of what is perhaps the biggest injustice in Dallas's history.

Okay, so we know that Jock drives a Cadillac, J.R. drives a Mercedes sedan, and Bobby drives a Mercedes convertible. Miss Ellie doesn't seem to drive because she's an entitled twat who needs chauffeuring. If I recall correctly, later on in the show both Pmadam (typo that stays) and Lucy end up driving Porsches, which leaves us with Sue Ellen. The Ewings have all the money in the world and don't shy away from using it on fancy cars...so what does Sue Ellen drive?

A fucking battle wagon! The most glamourous Ewing of all drives a giant GD woody! I don't care who makes it, this is a travesty of the highest order. Any problems that Sue Ellen may have or cause throughout the years can be directly attributed to the fact that she's made to drive this enormous, ugly, Family Truckster piece of shit.

Lucy needles Sue Ellen, asking if she's jealous that Bobby and Pam are engaging in a little Afternoon Delight whilst J.R. never comes home early for daytime sexnanigans. But today, J.R. does come home early! Sadly, this is only due to the overwhelming noise at the office and not some sudden desire to, like, sleep with his wife. In fact, he's somehow completely turned off when he spots the sexy negligee Sue Ellen bought earlier in the day, and when she puts the moves on him he tells her to knock it off. She's not acting like a lady at all, which he attributes to Pam's influence. Not even a pleading "We don't make love anymore!" from Sue Ellen will change his mind, and with a "That tears it!", J.R. is out the door. Sue Ellen, bereft and alone, leans on the mantel and cries. I would be sadder, but I was really excited about this second use of "That tears it!". Sorry, Sue Ellen.

How dare you try to seduce your husband, stand here and think about what you've done!

As you might suspect, J.R. has jumped right into Julie's arms...or he tries to, anyway. She tells him he ought to go home and be with his wife, that this lifestyle doesn't work for her anymore and she's oh so tired of waking up to another breakfast alone. J.R. insists, "You're the only one that ever turned me on...the only one that ever knew how."

Before I can stop shuddering at the direction this scene is taking, Julie replies, "You taught me how. You told me what you liked." At the risk of driving you to close your browser window and never read Dallas Reviewed again, here's what I decided in light of that conversation: J.R. likes a finger up his ass during sex! Right? I'm going to say YES and let my wild speculation color my viewing of every future episode.

Julie tries to stay strong, but ultimately she can't resist J.R.'s...well, smushing and crushing of her, or whatever this method of seduction is called.

After the deed has been done, J.R. realizes that he missed Julie's recent birthday. Of course he can't stay for breakfast, but he ever-so-sweetly drops a Benjamin on her in a pay-the-prostitute-esque fashion, insisting she buy herself a "real nice" belated gift.

Once again, Julie is left alone with her thoughts. I know she's thinking about how shitty she's been treated, but I wish she were thinking about all the future eyeshadow-and-bedsheet color coordination possibilities she can engage in now that she's $100 richer.

J.R., how many bare-shouldered women must you leave in your wake?

The cad has gone too far, and now it's time for...Julie's Revenge! She calls Cliff Barnes and finally takes him up on his dinner offer.

The next day, Bobby gets to work and realizes that he left some very important- and very incriminating- paperwork about that big senator loan deal thing at home. He calls Pam, who finds the folder, brings it to Ewing HQ...and leaves it with Julie. Big mistake- Julie is still in a revengenin' mood! She gives the documents to Cliff, who holds a press conference later that day to shine a light on the corrupt senator and the Ewings' involvement.

During breakfast at Southfork (breakfast is a big theme in this episode), J.R. receives a call about the press conference and promptly accuses Pam of being a spy; she was the last one with the paperwork, after all, and Cliff is her brother. Everyone just looks at each other for a while before Pam, an indignant vision in beige, storms out.

Pam asks Cliff to reveal his source so she won't shoulder the blame for the leak, but he won't give it up. Jock, meanwhile, refuses to do his own dirty work and makes Bobby confront the senator, who resigns his seat since he can't immediately pay back the 50k loan.

Because of all the tension at home, Pam and Bobby shack up at a hotel for the night. He's angry that no one else came to her defense, that they all automatically presume she's guilty. Pam isn't angry, though. She's apologetic! "I hate coming between you and your family." Why oh why doesn't she see that coming between Bobby and his family, or between herself and all of them, is the best possible outcome? Distance yourself from that fuckery, gurl. Sigh. Instead, she slowly connects the dots that Julie must be the leak, as she also had access to the documents.

The next morning, Pam and Bobby snoop around and find evidence in Julie's Rolodex: Cliff's brand new, unlisted phone number! An amateur mistake, Julie, tsk tsk...and yet I must say I'm thankful for it, because this scene has caused my desire for that Ewing Mysteries spinoff to flare up again.

my bursitis is also flaring up again, but I think it's unrelated

Julie is with Cliff when he learns that the senator has resigned. While a marginally less-corrupt governing body is lovely, he can't celebrate- in fact, he gets all angry- because the Ewings managed to avoid implication once again. Julie finds his monomania off-putting, and she realizes that she's being used by a man yet again. Cliff insists that while yes, he is using her, he told her he was going to, which makes it okay! Oh, Cliff. I think it's high time you dusted off some Nietzsche for a refresher because that Ewing abyss is gazing into you, my friend.

"I'm coming apart! Oh mother of God, I'm coming apart!"

Outside of Cliff's apartment, Pam confronts Julie. She ignores the bigger issues of corruption and everyone being terrible, and instead makes everything about herself, lashes out, brags about her wonderful Ewing marriage, and throws it all in Julie's face: "What've you got now, Julie? Nothing. Not even your self-respect." I hate everyone on this show. I love it!

Julie storms into Ewing Oil, tells J.R. that she slept with Cliff and gave him the papers, and quits. As she takes that long-overdue walk out of his life, J.R. almost has a feeling.

Back at Southfork that night, J.R. is the only one to apologize to Pam for thinking she was a big traitor. Once again, everyone else just looks around silently. What a bunch of assholes! And again once again, Pam makes excuses for these assholes, saying she would have thought the same thing had she been in their shoes. Lucy makes it weird by insisting that J.R. and Pam kiss and make up, and the episode ends on this exquisite freeze-frame after he kisses her on the cheek:

Ah, it's wonderful: Sue Ellen shooting eye daggers at Pam, Lucy doing that thing with her eyes that she always does, that thing that's the equivalent of dastardly moustache-twirling, and Miss Ellie...eh, who gives a shit about Miss Ellie? I, for one, have already had enough unpleasant thoughts thanks to this episode!

1.2 - LESSONS

original airdate: April 9, 1978

Welcome back, hogs and heifers, as I dive into "Lessons", the second episode of the first season. While there are, in fact, many lessons to be learned over the 48 minutes spent with this episode, I posit that a better name for it would be "Asses, Asses Everywhere" because...well, you'll see.

It's wintertime and snow gently blankets the disgusting brownness of Southfork. All is still save the clip-clop of horseshoes as Lucy, our tiny sex goblin, rides to the mailbox at the front of Southfork's long drive. She quickly paws through the box's contents, takes out the letter she was searching for, and sets it on fire. What oh what is that l'il scamp up to now?

Speaking of horses and lessons and combinations of the two, Bobby is in the barn with Pam, teaching her how to ride. As he helps Pam up onto the horse, her ass and the magnificence contained therein pass mere inches from his face and it's all Bobby can do to contain himself. Bobby says, essentially, "Me want sex!" but alas, Pam replies "Me want horse!" and off she trots.

Ray and another ranch hand pull up in Ray's truck, discussing which of them is going to drive Lucy to school. Ray busts out some working class grammar to end the argument ("I got a ranch to run, I ain't got no time to be no warden."), but Bobby butts his curly head in: "Make time, Ray. My daddy told you to take Lucy to school every day." I have so many problems with this, I don't even know where to begin.

Wait, yes I do: BOBBY, YOU ARE A 30-YEAR-OLD MAN. DO NOT CALL YOUR FATHER "DADDY". For the record, I would say the same if he were a 30-year-old woman. I find adults using the term "daddy" in any context to be completely weird and creepy. If you are one of those adults, look, I'm sorry but it's weird and creepy and bad and you should feel weird and creepy and bad.

Also, why does Ray have to drive Lucy to school? The dude has this huge ranch to run and hundreds of head of cattle to take care of and a shit ton of work to do. 70% of the Ewings don't have jobs, why can't one of them take her? This whole scene just made me hate entitled rich people. More than I already do, I mean.

Anyway, it's time for the big family breakfast, hooray! Family breakfasts, family cocktail hours, family dinners, family after-dinner coffee hours...that is entirely too much family on a daily basis, and I would absolutely kill myself if I had to be subjected to that kind of torture all the time. I don't care how much money I'd be rolling around in, I'd go suck a tailpipe and put myself out of my misery ASAP. And that's really saying something because the Ewings do have a lot of money. How much? So much that they drink their breakfast milk out of fancy goblets!

Jock, let me nestle in your soft shiny hair and sleep forever

Lucy and her schooling are the big topics of conversation this morning. Is Lucy skipping breakfast? Is she going to school? What about all those letters the school used to send? Lucy used to like school, does she still like school? Who cares if she likes it, all that matters is that she goes.

See what I mean? The tailpipe is a pretty attractive option, isn't it?

Lucy finally appears and after a few cursory "good morning"s, Sue Ellen and J.R. suggest that Lucy go change out of her jeans-and-sweater combo before school. It doesn't seem like a particularly scandalous outfit to me, and I gather the wardrobe change was written in so Lucy would have to exit the room, which means the camera can pan down and focus on her ass as she goes.

Pam throws shade at J.R. over the fact that Bobby is now a Ewing Oil executive. Later, she suggests that Sue Ellen drive in to Dallas with her later, but Sue Ellen throws that shade right back: without looking at Pam, she simply says "No thank you" and walks away. Oooh, winter ain't the only thing that's ice cold around these parts!

Lucy and Ray take off for school, J.R. and Bobby take off for the office, Sue Ellen takes off for wherever, and poor Pam is stuck talking to Miss Ellie over coffee. Miss Ellie confides that she knows that Lucy is playing games and skipping school, and then she gives this lovely little speech:

"I always wanted a daughter. Maybe it's a good thing I never had one. The Ewing men are strong. Lucy's father...he wasn't strong. Couldn't compete. That's why he left, and left Lucy with us."

Pam's eyebrow game expresses my feelings perfectly:

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

So it's not your shitty parenting skills and neglect- not to mention that you stole Lucy away from her birth mother- that have made the teenager rebel...it's that she's a girl? I told you last week- Miss Ellie is the absolute worst! Sadly, Pam is so desperate for attention from anyone in this miserable family that she doesn't call Miss Ellie on her bullshit.

INTERIOR. RAY'S TRUCK.
Lucy casually mentions that there's a new disco opening in Braddock that night and my heart skips, like, three beats. Then she starts getting her sex goblin on, rubbin' up all over Ray and suggesting that they skip the drive to school and head back to The Hayloft of Sin and my stomach lurches, like, three times. Ray makes the unwise decision to turn the truck around because...well, I guess because he has a boner? Oh Dallas, why do you force me to think about these things? And Ray, what about all that work you had to do? I want to be on your side, here, dammit!

Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie leave for parts unknown without a word to Pam, who watches them go, staring out a window all gauzy and forlorn like she's in a deleted scene from Picnic at Hanging Rock or some such. It is the best thing.

Before she can further contemplate murder and/or suicide, the phone rings. It's Mr. Miller from Lucy's school, enquiring as to the tiny sex goblin's whereabouts and the status of all the letters they've been sending home. Pam decides it's time to actually do something with her life, so she makes haste for the barn.

Pam calls to Ray and threatens to tattle on him if The Hayloft of Sin isn't once again merely The Hayloft of Hay. Ray leaves before Pam can tell him to torch all of the hay that he and Lucy have sexed all over. I assume that's what she would tell him, anyway, because no cows or horses or whatevers should be subjected to eating that stuff. Do farm animals actually eat hay? Or do they poop on it? Hmm, I find that I actually do not know. And I don't want to know, so don't tell me!

Lucy emerges looking like an extra from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and it's time for a battle of the wills. Pam threatens more tattling if Lucy doesn't get her shit together and go to school. Of this, I approve. Of Pam's use of "I'm a Ewing now!" as a point of leverage and authority, I do not approve. This is nothing to brag about, Pam, what is wrong with you? Lucy tries some of her usual tactics- she always manages to convince everyone to let her do whatever she wants because they feel guilty over Gary abandoning her- but Pam counters with a "Well, babyface, that won't work with me!" Pam has had enough of everyone's shit, apparently, and I like it!

Meanwhile, at Ewing Oil Headquarters...

Bobby suspects that J.R. is engaging in some serious oilnanigans to make the business successful, but he doesn't have any proof; nor can he talk directly with J.R. about it because secretary Julie always cockblocks him and J.R. always sneaks out the door. Look, all you really need to know here is that Julie's hair gives me life.

Pam won the battle of the wills and is tasked with shuttling Lucy to school. She takes it to another level of embarrassment when she decides to walk Lucy all the way to class. She has a lovely chat with Mr. Miller, who says he'll do whatever he can to help Lucy catch up on her work, how sweet.

At the end of the school day, The President of the Letter Club acts all creepy and weird and lechy with Lucy...but as I see things, she deserves it! If she puts out as much as the rumors claim she does, then why won't she sleep with this guy? She should sleep with anyone who wants it! Pfft, women, amirite?

Lucy does her best to ignore him and Pam arrives to shuttle her home, but not before remarking what a nice boy that President of the Creep Club is. Then she hands Lucy a box and tells her that she spent the day buying her all new school clothes. I admit, I'm starting to feel smothered here. Not enough to make me want to have sex with Ray Krebbs on top of a pile of hay, of course, but enough to make me want to throw the new clothes out of the car window- which is exactly what Lucy does, and the accompanying music is so intense that I could barely stand it.

That night, Lucy dons her finest Frederick's of Hollywood finery and takes a pair of scissors to the clothes Pam bought her. I don't even care what that l'il scamp is up to now, for I'm too skeeved out by the fact that this show wants viewers to lust after a high schooler.

We don't have to wait long for Lucy's scheme to come to fruition. There she is the next day, looking like The Littlest Stewardess and indulging in some tutoring with Mr. Miller one minute, then taking off her blazer to reveal a cut-up blouse the next. She runs out of the room, screaming that Mr. Miller accosted her. Wow, that's...not a thing you do to an innocent person. What price freedom, Lucy? What price?

this outfit rules my world

Little does The Littlest Liar know, however, that The President of the Creep Club saw the whole thing! Yes, he was watching her get tutored, which is not a euphemism so it must have been really boring to stand there and spy for an hour.

Pam is there once again to drive Lucy home (oh what, was Miss Ellie too busy doing NOTHING?) but Lucy's long gone. The President of the Creep Club is there, though, corroborating Lucy's story, filling Pam in on all that transpired, and teaching us one of this episode's many titular lessons: everyone in the world is horrible. Hooray!

Well, maybe not everyone: what of poor, innocent Mr. Miller? He's about to get booted because the school principal fears the power of the mighty Jock Ewing. Pam decides she'll save the day by talking to Lucy, whose story she does not believe even one small bit. Mind you, back at home, Lucy totally cops to what she did. After all, in the world of he said-she said, everyone will believe the doe-eyed goblin; Lucy uses Mr. Miller's job as leverage to get Pam to leave her alone: "See what happens when you care about people?" So much blackmailing and leveraging! I tell ya, it must be exhausting to be caught in the whirling Ewing cesspool.

Once again, this episode does not feature enough Sue Ellen...but, at least, the little that we do get is a real treat, just pure Sue Ellen bitchiness. She comments that the clothes that Pam bought for Lucy are nice, and follows up with  a knowing smirk: "She should have good taste...after all those years working in department stores." So much shade, I love it. And hey, it's tally time:

EPISODES SO FAR: 2
EPISODES WHEREIN SUE ELLEN FLAWLESSLY CANOODLES WITH BOOZE: 2

Lucy receives a phone call from The President of the Creep Club, who blackmails her into going on a date with him that night.

Upstairs, Bobby and Pam talk about Lucy and how Pam is totally sincere in her efforts to help and WHO CARES WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT, THEY'RE GOING TO THE NEW DISCO.

People, this disco. First of all...FIRST OF ALL...what's the DJ spinning tonight? A disco-ified version of the Dallas theme. When I realized this, I spent the next 18 minutes blacked out from the excitement.

Lucy and The President of the Creep Club are there. Ray, wearing a goddamn neckerchief, shows up with some broad. Then Bobby and Pam arrive, and...you guys. You guys. I no longer need food or water or air to survive- I only need this clip, forever.


See? Asses, asses everywhere! But lest you think that only women are objectified in the Braddock disco, here's a random man ass for you:

Lucy is having a terrible time with The President of the Creep Club, and when she spots Ray she pleads with him to take her back to The Hayloft of Sin. He demurs, but she starts a-pawin' at him...and Bobby sees them all entwined! As you might expect, Bobby flips out and punches Ray, which means that once again, it's tally time:

EPISODES SO FAR: 2
EPISODES WHEREIN BOBBY GETS CRAZY VIOLENT AT THE DROP OF A HAT: 2

the eyes of madness

Things wrap up quickly from here: Ray and Bobby settle their shit, with Ray promising to leave both Lucy and Pam alone. Pam figures out what the President of the Creep Club is up to and tells him to beat it. This does not endear her to Lucy, however, and the ladies do not settle their shit. With regards to Pam's meddling, Lucy lays it down.

"You know what? You make Sue Ellen look sincere. She's a simp, but she doesn't fling it like you do." Then she adds perhaps the greatest insult of all: "You're a Ewing already, you know that?"

Ooh, apply ice to that burn! Pam gets all teary-eyed, so Bobby has a chat with Lucy. He tells her that although the family loves her, they don't have time to, like, talk to her. But Pam does! And she truly cares, honest! Rather than saying FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE and leaving, Lucy makes up with Pam and the three of them dance the night away, their cares and worries saved for another time, another episode. Aww.

While I did not think it possible, I have to say- after "Lessons", my love for the 1970s has only grown. I mean, I already knew that the 70s had the best music, the best movies, and obviously the best in television. But what makes that era so perfect forever and always is that men could unironically dress like these fellows...

...and spend the night dancing. There was freedom, my friends, and the rallying cry was "I don't give a fuck!" Wouldn't we all be better off if we recaptured even just a little of that spirit? I think so. It'll be easy: all we need to start is an Alicia Bridges album, some satin shirts, and a big bowl of cocaine.

1.1 - DIGGER'S DAUGHTER

original airdate: April 2, 1978

It has long been a dream of mine to live at the Ewing compound, the sprawling Texas ranch called Southfork. I know it's a real place where I could go and stand around and steal things or whatever, but honestly I'd rather get my prostate examined ten times than live in a Ewingless Texas...and I don't even have a prostate. Or do I? Dun dun dunnnn...

Wait, why am I trying to make a mystery out of this? There's no riddle to be solved, I don't have a prostate. I will admit, however, that science is not my strong suit. Do I really know for sure what's going on inside my skinbag, what's in there and what's not? Do any of us?

Anyway, as I said, if the Ewings are not in residence, there's simply no point in going. Without them there, Southfork is but a big-ass house. With them there, it is a big-ass home. A big-ass hotbed! A big-ass hotbed of shit talk and repression and whispers and secrets and sexnanigans and cocktails and barbecued meats.

Now make no mistake- while this dream involves my living at Southfork, it certainly does not involve my becoming an actual member of the Ewing clan, oh dear no, they're dreadful people. Rather, I would just sort of be there all the time, lurking, hovering, watching all of their hijinks whilst I maintain the steady thrum of a mint julep buzz. Eventually someone (probably Miss Ellie) would start asking about the sweaty, drunken slug who's always loafing in a chaise lounge by the pool...then some "good ol' boys" would round me up and run me out of town or murder me and bury me in a shallow grave somewhere on the estate. But it would be worth it.

At any rate, I've come to terms with the fact that this dream is probably never going to come true. But because I'm a human doing as well as a human being, I'm not gonna sit around all day and cry over my unrealized weirdo fantasies. Instead, I'm gonna sit around all day and start this Dallas blog, which is obviously the next best thing and not at all also weird! There will be updates every Friday, the night Dallas aired for the majority of its 14-season original run. Yup, 14 seasons, from 1978-1991. 357 episodes. I'll be shackled to this task forever, even from beyond the grave. Also worth it.

To kick things off right, you need to take a moment to watch the jaunty Season 1 opening credits, dear reader. It'll get you in the mood for this endeavor like the finest of white wine spritzers!


The first characters we meet are Pam and Bobby, who were married not even 24 hours ago. As they cruise toward Southfork in Bobby's sweet Mercedes convertible, Pam, ever resplendent even in an unflattering puffy coat, voices some concern over the reception she's likely to receive from the family, for she is a Barnes, and apparently that's not a good thing. Bobby, looking like the cutest big brown Q-Tip you ever did see, assures her everything will be great. She may have been a Barnes before, but she's a Ewing now. She's been assimilated, hooray!

"One of us! One of us!"

Now we're introduced to the most famous (and infamous) Ewing of all: J.R., who's at the Ewing Oil headquarters watching some senator grill an ex-employee on TV. Some senator is just looking for some way to take the family down. The some senator's name is...Cliff Barnes. I know you're probably wondering, so let me set your mind at ease: no, this is not a coincidence; yes, he's one of those Barnseses. What are the odds?

What's pretty great about this scene is that we learn that J.R. is a scumbag and he doesn't even have to say a word: as he watches the testimony, we hear all about his duplicitous dealings...then he nonchalantly grabs and squeezes his secretary's thigh. Granted, his secretary (Julie) is played by Tina fucking Louise, but still! The sleaze is strong in this one.

J.R. gives a casual squeeze whilst Julie enjoys a snack

The newlyweds are still on the road and Pam has found something new to complain be concerned about: Bobby's position in the Ewing Oil Empire. More to the point: the fact that his position is nothing but taking road trips and plying oil industry buddies with hookers PR.

"I thought you had a hand in running the family business."
"I've got a hand in keeping the business running. It's the same thing."
"No, it's not."

Damn! Ain't been married a day and they're already having issues. They both need to cut their losses and run, of course, but they won't because they're "in" "love", whatever that means.

The action shifts to Southfork and we meet a few more of our key characters. Clan patriarch Jock pulls up to a barn in his enormous Cadillac (compensating, Jock?) and engages rancho honcho Ray in some conversation. Did Ray take Jock's granddaughter Lucy to school? Has he seen Lucy? Hey, when is Ray gonna bring "that fine-lookin' Barnes woman" around again? Ray needs to tell her to tell her brother to get off the family's back. YES THAT SENTENCE HAS DUBIOUS SYNTAX BUT THE POINT IS RAY WAS ALSO DATING PAM. I'll give you a moment to recover, as I'm sure you're in shock.

Ray offers a bunch of mumbles that he hasn't seen Lucy anywhere and sure he'll tell Pam, but guess what? The second Jock's gas-guzzler disappears, it's revealed that Lucy has been hiding in the hayloft! The hayloft of sin, where she and Ray have been making sexytimes and ooohhhhh, I don't want to think about them making sexytimes, why is the show making me think about it.

If it's not creepy enough that Ray is spreading his ranch dressing all over a high schooler's hidden valley- oh man, that's a very gross thing to say and I do apologize- well, Lucy takes it to an even creepier circle of hell when she wraps herself around Ray like a tiny sex goblin and demands that he call her "Pam". The entire scene makes me want to forgo mint juleps in favor of bleach juleps. It's so great!

For fuck's sake, Ray, my keychain is bigger and older than her. Are you going to sex that, too?

Pam and Bobby finally arrive at the homestead and Pam's fears prove eerily prescient as she is not welcomed into the family with open arms, but rather with a cold snub from clan matriarch Miss Ellie. Listen, if you're a big Miss Ellie fan, you're gonna find yourself a lot of grief around these parts. Also, why in the world are you a big Miss Ellie fan? She's the worst, the absolute worst, a USDA-certified Grade A twat. She's condescending, stuck-up, pushy, nosy...ugh, I could go on all day. But I won't, because despite everything that's happened so far (wait, has anything actually happened yet?) we're not even halfway through the episode. I'm just warning you, Miss Ellie is on my list. Yes, so is your kiss, but we can talk about that later.

the long-lost fourth Stygian Witch, I swear

Miss Ellie calls the office and tells Jock and J.R. to come home immediately because clearly this Pam business is an emergency. We're then hurtled forward in time to the magic of the Ewing Family Cocktail Hour, which happens every day without fail. It's never a wonderful family fun time, despite the ban on business talk imposed by Miss Ellie. Rather, it's all boredom or flaring tempers. Today we hear the scintillating tale of The Courtship of Pam and Bobby, which provides no information other than the fact that they were in New Orleans, they swapped "I love you"s and then wedding vows. How did they get to this point? Why were they both in New Orleans? Eh, who cares? The only thing we need to know is that Ray brought Pam around the house a few times and now she's married to Bobby.

Wait, there's one more thing we need to know: J.R.'s put-upon wife Sue Ellen is here, flawless as usual, with her best friend Booze.

Pictured: Sue Ellen, perfection (R), Miss Ellie, the worst (L)

Sue Ellen is the best, and if this premiere episode is lacking in any way, it's that it needs more of her in it. She has, like, two lines! Come on, Dallas, we don't want a pinch of Sue Ellen, we want a liberal seasoning.

J.R. wastes no time before whisking Pam outside and trying to buy her off. He raises a good point: she's going to be driven out of the family regardless, and it's better to split now with some cash than later with some nothing. Pam gets all insulted and indignant, but before much comes of it Bobby appears and whisks her back inside. Whisked everywhere, our Pam.

Later that evening, Jock sits outside in his Sherpa coat, enjoying a smoke, as you do. J.R. joins him and lets on that he tried to bribe Pam to leave. Jock calls his son a jackass, then further stirs things up by telling him that Bobby is no longer doing PR, but is now an executive at the Ewing Oil home office. Oh, and that he'd better get busy- and Jock does mean biz-zay- lest Bobby and Pam beat J.R. and Sue Ellen in the race to make a grandkid. Excuse me...to make a grandson. How else could the Ewing dynasty continue but with a new penis in the family? His fatherly duties complete, Jock heads inside. Ray appears, and he and J.R. conspire to break up the newlyweds but good.

EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS TERRIBLE AND I LOVE IT.

asshole

It's the next day and poor Pam doesn't receive a nice congratulations or a warm reception from her side of the family either. Her brother Cliff finds the marriage completely disgusting ("Bobby Ewing is not a man...he's a Ewing."). As for her father, Digger ("Digger", can you believe that shit, this show has the best character names)...the Barnes siblings find their dear ol' dad all drunk at a bar that's perfectly populated with old daytime boozers, a woman sitting alone in a booth, and two floozies. As they walk in, Digger is regaling everyone with the story of the genesis of the Ewing/Barnes feud: Digger and Jock were partners, Digger found oil, Jock cheated him out of it. There's been bad blood ever since. Why, Digger even tried to kill Jock three times! But alas, he says, he flubbed every attempt: "I can drill...but I can't kill!"

dad tells the best stories

Finally they get Digger's attention and tell him about Pam's marriage. I gotta say...man, I'm a big aficionado of pretend inebriation done well and David Wayne plays a great drunk, just slow and slurry and unfocused enough to be totally convincing. Because he's sloshed, it takes a bit for the identity of Pam's new husband to sink in. When it finally does, Digger goes from this:

to this:

Such is the power of his hatred of the Ewings! Rather than endure another minute of her father's icy, sloppy stare, Pam runs outside. She's been pushed to the very brink by all of this drama, and a single tear slowly rolls down her cheek. The tear, you see, symbolizes her sadness.

la tristesse

Things don't get any easier for her back at Southfork. Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen all but ignore her. Lucy tells her, "You ain't got a chance, lady!" and goes on to relate the story of her father, Gary, the curiously missing 3rd Ewing brother. He was a drunk ("Just like your daddy!") (damn, Lucy, that's cold) and he knocked up 15-year-old Valene. After Lucy was born, Gary got violent, so Valene took Lucy and fled to Virginia. J.R. sent a posse after her, nabbed the baby, and threatened Valene's life should she ever return to Texas. If the family don't want you, Lucy explains, the family'll get rid of you. She might be a creepy tiny sex goblin, but Lucy knows what's up!

a creepy tiny sex goblin in high-waisted jeans, that is

Pam feels like she has not a friend in the world (SHOULDA TAKEN THAT MONEY, GURL), and to make matters worse, J.R. is dragging Bobby all the way to Austin for some business something-or-other. As Bobby packs for the trip, J.R. suggests that Ray and Pam take a spin around the property in the family helicopter. GASP could this out of town trip and helicopter extravanganza be a part of the nefarious scheme to bust up the newlyweds? Why, yes...yes they could. We know this but Pam doesn't, and that, my friends, is an example of dramatic irony. Clueless Pam gets to da choppa, because she obviously doesn't want to miss a bird's eye view of the breathtaking beauty of Southfork.

that was an example of verbal irony

The nefarious scheme really kicks into high gear when Ray lands the copter by a little pond. He makes some small talk about how unhappy Pam must be, and how "like should stick with like". Then he checks his watch, picks Pam up, and...

...he fucking jumps in the filthy, freezing pond! Pam's smart outfit is totally ruined, they're both soaking wet, and what does Pam do? She laughs. She laughs! She thinks this was a funny, charming thing for him to do! I tell you what, if I were Pamela Barnes Ewing, I would kick that Ray Krebbs right in his Ray Krebbs, Jr and then I'd- aw heck, who am I kidding? If I were Pamela Barnes Ewing, I would spend my days making out with my reflection because I'd be so super gorgeous. Right?

Pam can get it

Now that Ray and Pam are water-logged, it's time for Phase Two of Operation: Nefarious Scheme to begin! Ray takes Pam back to his sad little man-shack for a warm fire and some hot coffee and...maybe something else, right? Something like...you know. You know..."you know"..."you"..."know" WINK. SEX.

JfC, Pam, look where you are

Just as Ray is about to really put the moves on, a car barrels across the Fields of Southfork toward the sad little man-shack. Why, it's J.R. and Bobby! But...but...weren't they headed to Austin? What could they be doing here at this most inopportune time, with all this flesh exposed? Pam realizes that she's the victim of a truly half-assed setup and tells Ray that if he doesn't back up her innocence, then she'll spill all about his and Lucy's exploits in the barn. Which...I guess she saw? Okay, sure.

J.R. busts in the door and is immediately disappointed that he doesn't find Pam and Ray in flagrante. Ray makes up the lame excuse that Pam fell in the pond and he had to fish her out or some shit. J.R. starts to question it, but Pam promptly tells him to shut up, that she knows it was all his idea. Bobby flips out and threatens violence, which is par for the course for him and also completely thrilling. Cliff Barnes is right, the Ewings are all total a-holes!

there's a lot of brown going on here

After all the admonishments and warnings have been doled out, Pam and Bobby head back to the house. As J.R. watches them drive off, he says oh so very ominously:

"I underestimated the new Mrs. Ewing. I surely won't do that again."

evil in a woolly collar

And with that, the first episode of Dallas comes to a close. It's pretty tame, for sure, but it does a terrific job of establishing the personality of virtually everyone (not to mention all the Ewing-Barnes animosity) through action rather than exposition. Oh, we have learned many things! We've learned that although he's a jerk, Jock has a great head of hair.

it just looks so soft

We've learned more than we wanted to about Ray and Lucy and their mixin'-n-matchin' genitalia (wait, I don't think anything matches? if it does, I don't want to know, thank you). We've learned that J.R. can never be trusted. We've learned that Pam had a very small dating pool. We've learned that everyone on the show is awful. Most importantly, we've learned that Miss Ellie is the worst of them all.

Tune in next week for Episode 2: Lessons. Things are just startin' to heat up!