2.15 - FOR LOVE OR MONEY

Original airdate: January 14, 1978

Ha! Episode title, please. Are we expected to believe that anyone on this show would be torn when choosing between love and money? At best, the Ewings might conflate the two--is Ellie putting Southfork above all else an act of love? Or is it more she's accustomed to the moneyed lifestyle and is actually putting that above all else? And Pam, who grew up poor, might choose love...but is it really love if her husband or brother ultimately chooses money? I wonder if any college philosophy curriculums include this episode. Maybe I should start my own college to be sure.

It's just another leisurely morning at Southfork. As always the outfits are on point and orange juice is poured liberally. Sue Ellen's mother phones ("Mother?!" you exclaim. "She has a mother? And here I thought she was born from the skull of Jack Daniels!") and we're told that not only is La Mère back in Dallas, she and Sue Ellen met up the night before. It's all pleasant until La Mère begins angling for an invite to Southfork for herself and Sue Ellen's little sister Kristin in the hopes that Kristin will also meet "the right man." We can tell by the way Sue Ellen blankly stares into the distance and hems and haws that she's not into the idea. We can also tell because she plainly says she's not into the idea, that the time is not right. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin...oh, her time will come! It won't be long before she is, in fact, motorin', if you know what I mean. I think you do! (Sex.)

I love a photo cube! 

I love a mustard phone!

Cliff is at The Store getting fitted for a new suit. According to him, the underdog look is no longer a fashion trend--this season is all about the winner look, baby. Pam, flawless as usual, reminds him that the election is still two years away, which reminds me that now, (math) years later, America miserably exists in the throes of a perpetual election cycle. I wonder if any college political science curriculums include this episode. I really need to start that college!

It's now round 'bout noontime and Sue Ellen is hanging with The Bitches Who Lunch at a fancy hotel restaurant. They're all complimenting her on her incredible stamina, what with driving all the way to Fort Worth whilst pregnant. Sue Ellen eats up the compliments as she joyfully twirls the oversized novelty olives in her martini. If these ladies thought her driving a whole half an hour to meet them was amazing, just wait until she does it again--pregnant and buzzed--for her return trip to Dallas. Our Sue Ellen is truly a profile in courage!

Sue Ellen is also boasting (aka lying) about how great her life is. J.R. is excited about the baby! They've never been more in love! He loves his job and he's in Austin right now doing his job! It's all perfect! As expected, this all blows up in Sue Ellen's face minutes later when the gaggle is leaving the hotel just as J.R. is checking in with some young lass. "Didn't Sue Ellen say J.R. was in Austin? I swear that was him," one of them says while the Alpha Queen in Purple smirks and floofs her hair. Floofs her hair! These bitches are ruthless! I love it.

Meanwhile, round 'bout noontime elsewhere, Cliff is meeting with some very powerful businessmen. You can tell they're powerful because they are doing business near a conference table that is stocked with padfolios and pens...but not just any padfolios and pens. The padfolios are leather--leather, reader--and the pens are housed in pen holders.

powerful business accessories

I am not a businesswoman, powerful or otherwise, but every time I see a padfolio I so wish I were. I dream of owning a padfolio, but of course I dream humbly. A leatherette padfolio seems more my speed. Maybe one with a calculator inside for the easy calculating of business figures. I suppose I could get myself one even for my life as a not-businesswoman, but is it worth it if I am not attending meetings wherein I can show it off? If a padfolio is brandished at a conference table in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even exist? Hmm, perhaps this is a question best left for the philosophy students at my college.

Anyway, the businessmen are willing to guarantee Cliff a position as the head of the Bureau of Land Management, provided he declares eminent domain to rid South Dallas of "low cost, low class" houses in order to make way for Business Interests. Cliff tells 'em to shove it. He ain't gonna sell out, not for a lofty position, not for no money no how!

That night, Sue Ellen is working on a glass of booze when J.R. finally shows up at home. Words are had! Words like "tramp," which J.R. objects to--the woman Sue Ellen spotted him with wasn't a tramp at all; rather, she was a nice young lady. Sue Ellen tries to give him an ultimatum: if he doesn't stop with the philanderin', she's gonna leave and take the baby that might be his with her! J.R. immediately capitulates, promising to love and honor and cherish Sue Elle--HAHA psych! J.R. doesn't take kindly to ultimatums, of course, and he knows he holds all the cards even if Sue Ellen holds all the babies (in her uterus). She sure enjoys the money and the lifestyle being his wife affords her, and he knows she ain't goin' nowhere. In the long run, at least.

In the short run, she's heading to Cliff's.

Over a glass of yes even more booze (that poor baby), she and Cliff discuss their relationship, or lack thereof. Cliff says it's over, Sue Ellen says but what about this maybe-baby? (I mean that maybe the baby is Cliff's, not that it's maybe a baby or maybe not a baby. I'm pretty sure that it's really a baby in there.) Then she turns off the lights and tells him that while she might not need him tomorrow, she needs him tonight. She really needs him. FOR SEX.

The next morning, we're treated to yet another Southfork breakfast scene, but this one is sans Sue Ellen. It's remarked upon ("She must have got up early and left!") but J.R. doesn't seem to mind, telling everyone he doesn't pay much attention to whatever she's got going on. Miss Ellie comments that Sue Ellen should bring her mother and her sister to Southfork, Jock volunteers Lucy to be Kristin's friend, and then Jock and Miss Ellie are off to a doctor's appointment. So exciting! It must have been Sweeps Week when this originally aired.

J.R. stops by to see Sue Ellen's mother, and for a minute I don't hear any dialogue because I am completely overtaken by the sight of a huge barometer on the wall.

My gramma also had a huge barometer on the wall next to her front door--well, a barometer-thermometer combo, to be exact, all wood and brass and glass (aka all plastic). I don't think anyone knew how to read the barometer part, or how it worked or what it was meant to signify. Whenever my gramma walked us to the door as we left, she would peep at it and flick the glass (plastic) a few times for some arcane purpose. Hmm, maybe she knew how to read it and how it worked and what it was meant to signify but never shared its secrets. I will never know.

But enough about gramma aesthetics (even though I can never get enough gramma aesthetics, honestly)! Kristin descends the stairs in a powder blue terrycloth shorts-n-tank top combo and you can practically hear the boi-oi-oinnng of J.R.'s boner through the screen. She begins to eat a pear in a flirty fashion, and she, her mother, and J.R. all agree that she won't have any problems landing a husband as good as Sue Ellen's. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin won't have any problems landing Sue Ellen's actual husband. And yes, Colleen Camp was the original Kristin Shepherd!

Still Life: Colleen Camp + Pear

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen has packed her bags and is ready to split when she's stopped by Bobby, who wants to know what's up. "You really care?" Sue Ellen asks, since Bobby has never showed her much interest in the seven years they've lived under the same roof and good lord I know we've talked about it--in the last post, even--but these adults all live together and have lived together for years and I don't understand how they're not all murderously insane! I don't even want to live with myself, never mind my entire family.

When J.R. returns, Bobby tells him that Sue Ellen has left him. J.R. puts in a call to a private investigator and orders a tail on her. Who is she seeing? Who is she talking to?

The answer, it turns out, is her mother and sister. Sue Ellen is worried that her mother is grooming Kristin the way she herself was groomed: that marrying a wealthy man is the most important thing they can do as women. It's all very House of Hilton! But mama never taught Sue Ellen "how to live without a man in her bed, or what to do when her man is off with a floozy somewhere." Both mama and Kristin counter that Sue Ellen's priorities are wrong and "exclusive rights" aren't essential if that man has money.

Jock storms into the Ewing Oil Headquarters like he owns the place (oh wait, he does) and starts yelling at J.R. about The Whole Sue Ellen Thing. They've had seven years to have problems, but they chose to have problems now? Now, when Jock's grandchild is on the way? When Miss Ellie is excited over this same grandchild? Won't someone think of JOCK AND MISS ELLIE? "We want her back at Southfork," Jock says with finality, and I can't decide what I hate more: Jock himself, or the fact that he continues to have such great hair.

jerk

Sue Ellen has returned to Cliff's apartment, but this time the lights stay on. She tells him she's leaving her husband, to which Cliff responds "Okay." This is not the fireworks reception Sue Ellen was expecting! But Cliff is being a pragmatist--will J.R. really let Sue Ellen go? Can she accept a Cliff-flavored life that doesn't have all the Ewing trappings she's used to? Sue Ellen says she will try, and we immediately know they are both doomed. Doomed and clad in brown. Not Earth tones--just brown. There is so much brown everywhere! It's in the decor, it's in the clothes...of all the colors in the spectrum, I can't believe brown was such a huge trend for so long. It's the one misstep of the 1970s. THE ONLY ONE. Although before long we'll be in the pastel 80s, and I'll probably pine for the 70s brown. OR WILL I? I guess we'll all find out. How thrilling!

This was a "tender" moment in action but this still makes it look like a murder moment

J.R.'s private eye reports in: Sue Ellen has been coming and going (and coming...wink wink) from Cliff Barnes's place. J.R. is actually surprised that his wife would be so devious as to canoodle with his greatest enemy. The camera dramatically zooms in on J.R.s face. "I suppose it's time we do somethin' about old Cliff Barnes," he says as the sinister music swells.

I know, you've been biting your nails since paragraph three, wondering about Cliff's made-to-order suit. Well, bite your nails no longer, reader (unless you're into biting your nails, in which case I would still suggest you no longer do that, but ultimately the choice is yours), for a Pam is here, suit in hand, resplendent even in brown pants.  She spots-n-sniffs a scarf and knows immediately that Sue Ellen has been there. If Pam ever gets tired of working at The Store, mayhaps she should consider a career as a private eye. Oh my goodness, imagine a spin-off where Pam solves mysteries and crimes and looks fabulous while doing it...wait, she could team up with Sue Ellen in Ewing Mysteries! I could be blogging about that show right now! But I'm not. And in this lesser (but still great) reality where I only have Dallas, Pam is unleashing some righteous fury (the only fury she can unleash, natch) on her brother. If J.R. finds out about this affair he will ruin Cliff--and Pam won't blame him one bit. Cliff kicks her out, and Sue Ellen emerges from another room, having overheard the whole argument. They look at one another, their gazes inscrutable.

Our Pam, always not the one

Back at Southfork, Pam indulges in some booze, which prompts Bobby to remind her yet again that she can always quit her job. What a jerk! Does he want her to quit The Store so she can realize her destiny and become a private eye? No! He wants her to quit and be a stay-at-home Ewing Lady. The worst. Pam is cryptically lamenting that it's not only the Ewings who will sink to any depth to get what they want. "Barnes? Ewing? What's the difference?" she asks.

"Outside of a couple million dollars, not a whole lot. Except there are more of us. Including you," Bobby replies. The worster.

Pam thinks he's great, though, and the two head off into the city for a date night.

Those padfolio businessmen have sent Cliff a bunch of styrofoam cubes and cylinders, which are meant to represent their vision for a new South Dallas. Cliff is unimpressed and still holding strong to his values. But then J.R. waltzes into Cliff's office and calls him a "cheap little man" having a "cheap little romance" with his wife while harboring "little dreams." They fight over the baby, each telling the other to back off. But J.R. delivers the coup de grâce: Ewing power and money will wash away any embarrassment if the baby isn't his, whereas Cliff will never amount to anything and the scandal would ruin him. And isn't that what he wants? Power? Cliff angrily swats those styrofoam cubes and cylinders right off the table, and I fear that his values will not hold, captain!

J.R. then catches up with his wayward wife at her mother's house and wins back her heart with sweet talk and a promise--HAHA psych! He warns her that if she doesn't come back to Southfork, he'll get a couple of boys to bring her to a hospital where she'll be forced to have an abortion, and then he'll reward her with a messy divorce that will leave her friendless and penniless. He delivers the poop cherry on this shit sundae (sorry) by telling her that Cliff won't take her, anyway.

Sue Ellen meets with her paramour and sadly he confirms it: "You can't fight City Hall," Cliff says, ever the poet. He loves Sue Ellen "in his own way" (whatever that means) but he can't have her and the things he wants in life. What a weasel! What a...a...small man! Sue Ellen likens it all to a game--"Is that what I am? Just the marbles?"--and it's a terrible metaphor (Have children played with marbles since the 30s or whenever? Then again, has Sue Ellen ever actually played a game? Does she know what a game is?), but she's upset so let's forgive her.

Just the marbles

J.R. is waiting for her in the parking lot with Sue Ellen's bags packed and in his backseat. Defeated but silently fuming, she climbs in. They'll make it back to Southfork in time for a nice family dinner, but afterwards J.R. has business to attend to. By "business" he means "sex business" and Sue Ellen needn't wait up. He is relentlessly cruel and stone cold! I've never loved to hate anyone more.

Back in his office, Cliff picks up the styrofoam cubes and cylinders from the floor. He makes a call...he takes a job. The "low cost, low class" houses will soon be gone to make way for Padfolio Business Park. Cliff's willing to give the businessmen whatever they want, so long as they help him accrue massive amounts of power. "How's that for playing the game?" Cliff says to no one.

But he should know that in the game of marbles, nobody wins.

I guess? I have no idea how the game of marbles actually works. I'm not that old, geez.

2.14 - HOME AGAIN

Original airdate: January 7, 1979

The episode begins with a glimpse into the exciting lives of the women of Southfork as Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen discuss potential color schemes for the nursery. "Oh yeah," I think to myself. "Sue Ellen is pregnant."

Okay, so me saying "exciting lives" was disparaging and sarcastic, but I suppose that is unfair. Some people do get excited about things like babies and nurseries, and furthermore I don't have much room to talk when a glimpse into my exciting life would show me, you know, making toast or more likely just thinking about making toast. Besides, it doesn't matter if Sue Ellen is talking about nurseries or toast or whatever, because her outfit is so on point in this scene that it far supersedes the ultimate hollowness of her life.

J.R. doesn't have time to discuss color possibilities because he actually, truly does live an exciting life. He's giving a speech to the Chamber of Commerce: "They want to hear my success story," he says. and I can't decide whether or not it's a lie. Who cares? I love it and it's 100% priceless ego perfection either way.

Side note 1: Sue Ellen calls Cliff Barnes on the down low to ask for his nursery color suggestions and he's like "Please stop calling" and she's like "But I just want to share" and it's kind of sad that they can't just be together. It's much less sad, however, when you remember that they can't be together because Sue Ellen is too greedy to give up that Ewing lifestyle! Well, also because who knows what J.R. would do if she left him for his nemesis–I mean, he's all sorts of abusive and threatening to everyone, particularly his wife. She's as trapped as she is selfish!

Side note 2: I know I've mentioned this before, but holy fuck is it weird that everyone lives at Southfork forever. I love that if you're poor and forced to live with your parents for whatever reason–hey, maybe it's circumstances or maybe it's just what you want to do–it's a source of shame and people insult you if it's brought up. But if you're a Ewing, it's simply how things are even though they're all rich enough to have a million places of their own. "You live in your mom's basement!" is a scathing indictment, but it's okay to live in your mom's hideously decorated spare bedroom? Whatever, man, whatever.

I realize I may be coming off as a bit defensive here and you're wondering if that's because I live in my mom's basement, so let me assure you that I do not. This is but one of the many colors in my rainbow of Dallas feelings, one of the many squares in the quilt of my Dallas thoughts.

Anyway, some guy takes the wrapper off a painting he commissioned and he hates it. It's awful, it's a cartoon, why didn't he have one of the most famous artists in Europe do it instead? What a hothead, geez. On the other hand...the painting really isn't so great.

He hand delivers it to Southfork, intending to give it to Miss Ellie, but she's not home. Later that evening, she opens it and gets all weird–that little cartoon ranch house is Southfork back in the day, can you believe it? If you think that's completely totally insane, get this: the some guy who dropped it off isn't just any old some guy–he's Miss Ellie's brother Garrison! She hasn't seen him in 40 years! She thought he was dead! C'EST UN SCANDALE!

The reaction to Garrison's coming...wait for it...home again...is decidedly mixed. Miss Ellie is beside herself, or at least she gets tears in her eyes. Jock is less than thrilled, as Garrison and he have never liked each other and besides, Garrison was best pals with that no-good Digger Barnes. Pam is pleasant and happy enough because Garrison was best pals with that no-good Digger Barnes. Lucy is ecstatic because, bless her heart, the name Garrison reminds her of the name Gary, which is, of course, her father's name. J.R. is immediately suspicious: Garrison must be sniffing around for some sweet, sweet Ewing money. Sue Ellen then worries the same and seethes a bit. Or maybe she's just seething because she's once again wearing that awful grape jumpsuit we saw a few episodes ago.

Oh, and Bobby...eh, who cares about Bobby.

It turns out that Daddy Southworth actually left Southfork entirely to Garrison when he died. As Garrison had split town long before that, however, Miss Ellie eventually filed paperwork declaring her brother legally dead, which made Southfork hers. This was done at Jock's behest, and it was his money from the oil industry that transformed the place from what you see in that terrible painting to its current tacky splendor.

Now that her brother has returned and he's obviously not a zombie–meaning he never actually died–Miss Ellie's conscience kicks in and she thinks she wants to give Southfork back to him because "it's right." As you may suspect, her sons and husband aren't having it at all. Things get heated to the point where Jock busts out with a...he busts out with a...(sorry, it's hard for me to type when I'm shaking with fury)...he eventually yells "You're overstepping your place, Miss Ellie!" HER PLACE! Because he's "head of the household" and all decisions are ultimately his and...her rage at this sexist bullshit is second only to my own. I swear, during this scene my bra flew off my body, and it joined all my other bras and they suddenly combusted, burning themselves. At the same time, I am sure Gloria Steinem got her Obi-Wan on (her alive Obi-Wan, I mean) and felt a serious disturbance in The Force. All around the world, my fellow Seven Sisters alumnae opened their checkbooks and made pledges even though they already gave this year, or maybe they only thought about giving because you know, just because they went to a Seven Sisters college that doesn't necessarily mean they're a rocket scienceologist or a super-rich CEO of Whatever, Inc...maybe they are just a humble writer-type who kind of mostly "gets" "by" and eats toast and enjoys writing recaps of 40-year-old nighttime soaps and never compares herself to her classmates who are saving the world or whatever and no I'm not talking about me at all why are you looking at me like that there's nothing wrong with any of my life choices.

The point is, this scene reiterates that Jock is a sexist a-hole and Miss Ellie might get a little mad about it but she's of a generation where ultimately she just accepts it...and if that were not depressing enough, the scene is also so very, very brown.

With the possibility of losing Southfork to his mother's whims lurking, J.R. goes into full paranoia mode. He's convinced that Kathy, Garrison's traveling companion and Presumed Interesting Lady Friend (PILF), is a gold digger who's goaded the old man into returning and snatching all that land up. Hmm, in that scenario, I guess Garrison would also be a gold digger, wouldn't he, if he were cozying up to Miss Ellie just for the money? Or would he only be the poor, manipulated put-upon because only women can be "gold diggers"? Ugh this show is pushing all my feminist buttons today.

I will say this for J.R.: he is awful, but he doesn't hide it. He doesn't merely think and wonder these things about Kathy, he takes her for a tour of the ranch and accuses her of gold diggery right to her face! It's rude, yes, but if I am to believe what I see on social media, "Telling It Like It Is" is apparently something to be admired, so.

On the show, however, this brash behavior only serves to make everyone angry. Kathy is insulted; Garrison decides that fuck it, he does want Southfork and he's gonna fight for it; Miss Ellie yells at J.R.; Bobby...eh, who cares about Bobby.

Okay, fine: Bobby and Pam go to Garrison's to try to smooth things over a bit, and it's here they learn The Terrible Secret. Kathy isn't Garrison's gold-digging hoochie mama, she's his nurse! Garrison is dying and he came home to see his sister and make amends and...you know. To Die. Pam and Bobby act surprised at the news, but I am dubious about their ignorance because they showed up apparently already dressed for Garrison's funeral.

Also, just so you know, I paused this moment in the scene and stared at it for a long, long time:

I couldn't take my eyes off of Garrison's hair. I had that faint itching at the back of my brain: what does his hair remind me of? Where have I seen it before? Images and names passed through my mind, always hazy and beyond reach. I tried to let it go, but I couldn't. What was it? Was it going to drive me insane? Would it come to me in the middle of the night? Did it actually remind me of anything at all? Was this a past-life experience? Finally...finally after like ten minutes and some furious pacing around my apartment where I tried to think about it really hard without thinking about it at all, it came to me.

Right?

Anyway. Now that that's out of the way...Bobby tells Miss Ellie about The Terrible Secret, and she rushes to Garrison's side and manipulates him into telling her on his own terms. She convinces him to spend his remaining days at Southfork (OF COURSE), and when she tells the rest of her family the news, well, J.R. looks mildly chagrined but Jock apologizes for his behavior. Miss Ellie says she's not angry: "At least I found out you love this ranch as much as I do."

Are you fucking kidding me? That's the lesson she learned?? That's her takeaway from this? Not "At least I found out my husband is a terrible sexist, my son is an all-around disgusting greedy person, and my life is reprehensible!"? Really, Miss Ellie? REALLY?

Hmm, actually...it's more likely that she already knew those things and she didn't need to learn them here necessarily. I mean, we knew all that already, I didn't need EPISODE 2.14 HOME AGAIN to tell me. I'll assume that's what Miss Ellie meant, because the alternative is just too much for me to handle right now, what, with all the fury I've been feeling and all the thinking I've been doing.

Well, nice knowing you, Garrison. Your storyline and The Battle for Southfork should have been at least a 2-part arc! Sure, you're alive at the episode's end...but come on. You'll die in the hazy interim before the next episode, yes? It is The Way of Things on Dallas. Trauma: out of sight, out of mind!

2.13 - KIDNAPPED

Original airdate: December 17, 1978

Well, well! The creators of Dallas must have jumped in a time machine, travelled from 1978 to last week, read my review of the previous episode, travelled back to 1978, discussed the fact that I wanted an episode with some action and not just lechy manbaby whining, and then they produced this episode. I mean, how else to explain it all? Look at that title: Kidnapped! What does it scream if not excitement? Hold on to your bolo ties everyone, for I am sure we will find out.

It's breakfast time at Southfork for everyone except Pam, who peels out of the ranch in her black Vette and heads to The Store. This prompts some passive aggressive "concern" from Miss Ellie–Pam leaves earlier and earlier (GEE I WONDER WHY)–but Bobby flexes his manbaby muscles and says it's not a problem unless she starts working nights. Lucy's body dysmorphia is coming along nicely and she's decided to skip breakfast because she's gaining weight. Miss Ellie suggests she skip the candy machine at school instead, but Lucy counters that it's womanservant Teresa's mashed potatoes causing her to balloon, not candy. Sue Ellen has received a letter from her mother, who sends her regards to the family and promises to visit soon. Jock then disparages her mother's town, and J.R. makes it clear that she is not welcome to stay at Southfork.

And then a huge sinkhole opens up on the property and Southfork plummets into the very depths of Hell and all of these awful people are gone for good except for Teresa.

Just kidding, that doesn't happen until the finale of Season 27. Look for my recap in January 2189!

Anyway, Bobby and J.R. finally go to work and it seems like just another ordinary day, right? Well guess again, chump! At that very moment, a trio of bad guys enjoys a detailed slide show detailing lots of details about the Ewing clan: This is Jock, this is Bobby's car, this is Ray Krebbs, this is the Ewing Oil building...and on and on and on and ON. Just as you open your mouth to yell/brag that you already know all this stuff, it all becomes Crystal Light clear: they're planning a kidnapping, just as the episode title promised! They're gonna snatch J.R. right off the street and demand all of the Ewing monies. Or at least some of them. Now, you might think that this guy is the worst of the bad guy trio because of his ornery scowl and "no fucks given" hairdo:

But here's the spoileriffic truth of it: it's this mom-looking bitch who's the real sociopath of the bunch. She won't hesitate to get her murder on if things go badly and she's all about the Tubmans, honey, dolla dolla bills y'all.

Over yonder at the Ewing Oil building, Bobby has some business to do, a meeting to attend or whatever, but lo, alas, alack, his car has a flat tire so he takes J.R.'s car instead. For his part, J.R. is at a hotel all kinds of topless, lounging, and engaging in a little Afternoon Delight with an unnamed floozy. And yes, I engaged in a little Afternoon Dry Heaves.

Hey, I know we're not supposed to actively root for the bad guys, but when they drive around looking like this, what am I to do but hope against hope that they will get away with every crime forever?

As you undoubtedly expected, this all leads to a Three's Company-style mixup: the kidnappers stop J.R.'s car, but they find Bobby behind the wheel. Any Ewing will bring the cash, though, so they snatch Bobby and bring him to a rundown house that apparently once belonged to the notorious gangster/slob Pancho Lee.

Other graffiti in the house includes "REAR DOOR," "YOUR," and "PUNK RULE." A++ job there, set designer!

The kidnappers call Cliff Barnes and tell him that for some reason he will be the go-between in this mess. Cliff heads to Southfork to tell everyone that Bobby's been kidnapped and he has explicit instructions to follow if they hope to get Bobby back alive. At this news, Pam is obviously incredibly distraught and on the verge of collapse. No...really.

J.R. and Jock don't want Cliff Barnes nosing in on any family matters and they decide to do things their way: they're fixin' to call in the FBI despite the kidnappers being all "Guys, don't call the FBI, okay? Just give us 1.5 million dollars." Boy, that Jock Ewing sure is an a-hole...but as much as it pains me to say it, I must admit he is also a flawlessly styled a-hole.

The kidnappers become wise to the FBI's involvement and they get angry, so J.R. and Jock relent and have Cliff follow the instructions he's been given. Cliff grabs the suitcase full of money and goes on the world's most boring scavenger hunt; he looks for notes all over town that lead to the exchange location, but the kidnappers don't show up because they think the FBI might still be involved.

When a Bobby-less Cliff returns to Southfork, everyone blames him for the failure and they decide to try it the Ewing way again. When Pam balks out of, you know, fear for her husband's life, everyone gangs up on her and her brother. "You don't understand this family yet!" Jock tells her. Pam may not understand this family, but I sure do. THEY'RE THE WORST.

Finally she manages to convince them that it's best if Cliff tries again...but it's obvious that J.R. still intends to try things his own way. And then...and then...Pam slowly curls her fist as if to silently threaten a good punchin' and reader, it is the most sublime, perfect thing I've ever seen in my life. I want it engraved on my headstone and on my heart, and I want to rearrange all of the stars in the sky into this image.

EVERYTHING

Meanwhile, at the hench-house, the sociopathic mom-looking bad guy is alone with Bobby. He tries to appeal to her better nature–or, to be more precise, her money-loving nature–and promises big bucks for her and her alone if she'll ditch her cohorts, unchain him, and let him go. Joke's on Bobby, though, she doesn't have a better nature! She begins to talk about the desperation of being truly poor, but before you can feel some empathy, she is overcome by Bobby's manliness and she begins sexually assaulting him. Yes, Bobby is about to be raped, but the other kidnappers return to the hench-house in time. Man, this show can get fucking dark! For a moment, Bobby bears the look of a man who has officially Been Through Some Shit, but as this is Dallas, the moment passes and I'm sure the trauma of sexual assault will have no lasting effect on him.

Cliff finally makes an arrangement for the Bobby-cash exchange, but will J.R. and Jock let it play out and not get involved? Of course they will not! They organize a posse to lie in wait so they can ensure Cliff will not screw things up, and also to ensure that the kidnappers are killed instead of, you know, sent to jail. And that's what happens! The exchange goes off without a hitch, but then J.R. and Ray and a bunch of Southfork goobers pop up and shoot the kidnappers dead. Well, they shoot the male kidnappers. I guess not shooting the woman is chivalrous? The important thing here is that even though Bobby's life was at stake, even though he had to lie in wait amongst the dry Texas shrubland for hours, even though there was high tension and they'd be facing off again a criminal element and the outcome was uncertain...J.R. put on a fucking ascot for this. I'm not gonna lie: my eyes became cartoon hearts and then popped out of my head.

Bobby has been rescued and is back home at Southfork. Cliff is angry because he wasn't quite in the clear when the shooting began. Pam and Bobby and Sue Ellen are all "You could have killed Cliff!" and J.R. is all "Who, me?" and he smiles. It's a really weird place for the episode to end, but I suppose the Barnes-Ewing feud can't, you know, be settled in Season Two. We've only just begun!

2.12 - FALLEN IDOL

Original airdate: December 3, 1978

Everybody knows that the best thing about steamy 80s nighttime soaps is all the middle-aged dudes talking about business...so that's how the episode grabs ya right from the start. Bobby is off to a meeting with an architect while J.R. talks on the phone to some oil crony named Jeb. The important thing here is that we're midway into the second season and J.R.'s eyebrows have really taken on a life of their own. Does he comb them that way to make himself seem more evil? Does he subconsciously twirl them as an old-timey villain twirls his moustache? Who can say. All I know for sure is that they are two luscious feathered caterpillars crawling up to Heaven, and I love them.

En route to his big important meeting, Bobby is waylaid by a fluffy-haired old college pal who went–and probably still goes–by the charming nickname "Guzzler." Bobby cancels his big important meeting in favor of lunch with Guzzler, where they look at the football Bobby carried for 80 yards to win the sports match and Guzzler sexually harasses their waitress. In the midst of all their reminiscin', Bobby says "We had some good times." Then they exchange these tender looks. "Good times?" Tender looks? Obviously they were secret lovers in college.

Bobby insists that Guzzler stay at Southfork while he's in town on business despite the fact that it's a huge inconvenience for him. But the Ewings always get what they want, so that night at dinner Guzzler entertains everyone with his tales of womanizing and other things he's done whilst womanizing. Well, J.R. isn't entertained, he thinks Guzzler talks too much. And Pam isn't impressed by the bravado either, which can only mean one thing: PAM EYEROLL right at the table in the middle of a story because she rules so hard.

J.R. has had enough and splits before everyone retreats for post-dinner cocktails. Instead of going with her husband, Sue Ellen says bye because she finds Guzzler "fascinating." Now, I was about to lose my mind here because I thought Sue Ellen had better judgment than that (yes, even considering she married J.R.), but I should have known: it's a ruse! She finds a quiet corner and calls Cliff to arrange some A.S.A.P. Afternoon Delight.

Everyone* chimes in to let Guzzler know he's so great and he simply must stay at Southfork for as long as he wants and they're all so excited–especially Lucy, who practically melts into a pile of googly eyes and hair at the prospect of 24 hour access to Unkie Guzz.

*EVERYONE EXCEPT PAM, who gives the whole idea some side eyes so sharp they will cut a bitch. It added 30 years to my life and then took away 50. Yes, I'm dead right now and it was totally worth it.

forever my queen

The next day, Bobby takes Guzzler to one of his new construction sites to show off and get some advice since Guzzler is a big businessman building big high-rises in big Venezuela. Guzzler sort of kind of manipulates Bobby into straight-up asking for help and proposing a partnership, and gosh I sure hope that the title of this episode isn't some kind of spoiler about how it will all work out! For now, everything is super just like old times, and so Bobby and the Guzz (I suddenly wish that was a spin-off show) head out to celebrate.

They stay out until the wee hours and return to Southfork completely plastered. After Bobby passes out, Guzzler attempts to put the moves on Pam. Can you believe the nerve? He is not worthy of receiving her withering glares, never mind any sexnanigan-related kindnesses! After a wee bit o' struggle, Pam's NO MEANS FUCKING NO finally gets through Guzzler's fluffy head. Or does it? The next morning, he's back to teasing and flirting and it's just gross. Of course, no one mentions the crap he tried to pull the night before.

 just no

Oh, and speaking of sexnanigan-related kindnesses, Sue Ellen's Day of the Nookie is here and so she blasts off in her Battle Wagon to go get some. There is just not enough Sue Ellen in this episode, I'll tell you right now.

Meanwhile, J.R. has brought some oil dudes out to Southfork to reassure his cronies that there is, in fact, a shit ton of oil lurking under the ground, just a-waitin' to be drilled into. You see, J.R. has told these guys that Jock amended his will to allow drilling on Southfork land after he's dead, but Miss Ellie doesn't know anything about it, so all this talkin' and prospectin' must be kept secret. The real secret, as you may imagine, is that it's a fake will. That J.R., such a schemer! This seems like too much, even for him. He can't possibly pull this one off, can he?

Bobby tells Pam about his new partnership with Guzzler and Pam is not having it. Didn't Bobby want to go into business for himself? Isn't that why he fought with his family? Why is Guzzler playing such a big role all of a sudden? Bobby pulls out the "UR just jealous" argument, suggesting that Pam doesn't want to share Bobby's attentions. Pam is really not having this shit. Unfortunately for Bobby (but fortunately for us) she's got her collar popped and she's wearing her take-no-nonsense vest. She busts out a "Don't flatter yourself!" and I swear, I felt the Earth tilt on its axis.

Dallas sure does love to play with our emotions, though. One moment we experience the dizzying high of popped-collar Pam going off, and the next we experience the puke-inducing low of Guzzler hitting on Lucy by the pool. "Women are like snowflakes," he tells her. "Every one is different, and every one is beautiful. Also they have a lot of corners. Sometimes they melt, and sometimes they pile up–they pile up really high, Lucy. Really high."

Okay maybe I made up some of his awful snowflake speech, but that's only to distract myself from the fact that it's all caused Lucy's tiny sex goblin powers to activate and she suggests that she and Guzzler go somewhere and, you know, do it. Hold on, I have to shudder and dry-heave for a few minutes.

Unfortunately for them (but fortunately for us), Pam enters the scene and she's still got on her vest. TGIPam! She shuts this shit down right quick with some cocked brows and sarcastic comments.

Lucy slithers away to take a cold shower while Guzzler and Pam have it out. He gives her a sad tale about how hard he had it growing up and how he only has good intentions when it comes to Bobby: "I love Bobby...if a man can use that word about another man nowadays without it sounding dirty." Yes, Guzzler has thrown down a late-70s NO HOMO. Fortunately for him (and unfortunately for us), Pam buys it! She suddenly sees Guzzler in a new, more sympathetic light, which means that J.R. is our last anti-Guzz hope. I believe in the power of his eyebrows.

I also believe in the power of his eclectic desk art collection, because I can't get enough of it. I imagine him spotting that snail at Pier 1 Imports or in the homegoods aisle of TJ Maxx and he's like yes. Yes, I love this snail, I must have it and I will put it right on my desk so I can see it all the time. I'll put it next to my choo-choo.

Guzzler's big idea is to put a shopping center on a remote strip of Southfork land and as you might guess, Miss Ellie takes some convincing. Oh the purity and beauty of Southfork and her daddy loved the land and blah blah blah. Once Jock reminds her that it'll make Bobby super happy, though, she's in. The only thing she loves more than the land is her sons. YEAH WE KNOW, MISS ELLIE, SOUTHFORK AND YOUR SONS ARE ALL YOU TALK ABOUT.

Things begin to spiral out of control as Guzzler's vision of the shopping center grows. It began as a market and maybe a dry cleaner, but now Guzzler has three major "first-class" department stores on board, an underground parking facility planned...it's gonna be "the biggest thing to happen since the invention of the hot dog!" So, you know, obviously very, very big. LIKE HOT DOG HUGE YOU GUYS.

The hot dog huge problem with Guzzler's plan, however, is that the site of the future Shopping Mall of America is where J.R. intends to drill after Jock dies. Of course, this is a secret plan, so he must rectify the situation in the best way he knows how: nefariously. He hires a private investigator to look into Guzzler's background, and while that dirt is dug he placates the grumblings of Jeb and the Holograms with a resounding SLAP. Literally! Jeb makes vague threats against Bobby should he not back down from his development deal, and J.R. counters with a backhand. Nobody threatens a Ewing!

The private investigation results are in: Guzzler is a scammer, a broke crook! He sets up these development deals everywhere and then splits town, leaving investors in the lurch. Apparently authorities in Montana want to question him. Overall it seems that Bobby is just another mark. J.R. shares this info with Pam, of all people, because he thinks she's the one who might be able to talk some sense into Bobby. She decides to talk to Guzzler first, though, and here's where I feel the first stirrings of pity for the man: look at this tropical monstrosity of a bedroom they've forced him to stay in!

Pam really lays into him and gives him what for, and Guzzler busts out another sad tale, this one about how he peaked in college, burned out young, and his life has been a big mess ever since. Once again Pam's big heart gets the better of her and ultimately she's unsure how to proceed. But her worries are short-lived: Bobby has been awake this whole time and more to the point, he's known about Guzzler's troubles the whole time. This partnership was meant to be a "way back" for Bobby's college hero, for him to get his life on track and be something more like the man he was. But the Southfork development is too much, and Bobby has decided to find another project for them to work on.

But it's too late! Guzzler has called a cab and is ready to depart for Venezuela–or wherever he's really going–and Bobby will have to make do without him. He's just too important and too needed elsewhere! Bobby leaves the partnership offer on the table and the men hug each other for their lives but don't worry, it's still NO HOMO. Their undying love for each other must remain unspoken for another day.

Aside from Lucy's googly eyes, this episode is simply not salacious enough for me. Sue Ellen appears for maybe a minute, and while J.R. does get in a good smack to Jeb's smug face, he's fairly subdued overall. If it weren't for Pam's ire gettin' all up, it would be rather dreadful. Still, there are lessons to be learned. The characters all learned that saving face is the most important thing of all, while we learned that Bobby-centric episodes are a fucking drag. Wait, I bet we already knew that, didn't we?