Yes you read that right, Dallas Reviewed has moved...and expanded. Now I'm writing Dallas recaps and so much more at my new site, Nightsoaps!
This means that I won't be updating this site anymore, but Dallas recaps will still be published on Fridays (there's a new one up, even!), they'll just be published at Nightsoaps from now on. Over there I'll be talking about Dallas beyond the recaps, and I'll be discussing lots of other classic nighttime soap operas as well. I hope you'll join me over there! So many voluminous gowns, hairstyles, and shoulder pads await.
Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, "How can this week's episode possibly top the dizzying highs of last week's sexless sexnanigans?" A valid question, but let me tell you--"Royal Wedding" tops it in so many ways, I don't have enough fingers to count them! From the opening seconds it's obvious we're in for something special. Don't believe me? Then take a look at the opening seconds of this episode yourself:
A full minute dedicated to a disco scene with yes, Lucy Ewing and Kit Mainwaring amongst the satin-clad bootyshakers. Is it not glorious? It's been awhile since we've had a proper scene of the young folk shaking their groove things...if I recall correctly, the last was all the way back in episode 2, when a new disco opened in Braddock and Pam and Bobby got the fuck down. I know we're not going to get many more disco scenes--if any--as the show continues, and that's such a shame. What a time it was! Cocaine and hair flying, people of all stripes smiling and dancing, not a lick of irony or cynicism in sight. The Ronald Reagan era (aka the beginning of the end) was still a few years away and "greed" wasn't the total way of life for American society yet. Did the uber-wealthy families of Dallas help usher in that "money and mine above all" sentiment? It is certainly possible! But those are thoughts for another time. This episode in particular deserves respect. I'm serious, it does! You'll see, I swear.
Anyway yes, Lucy and the "gorgeous" Kit Mainwaring, whom we met last episode, are an item. A make-y-out-y item, as we see when the duo returns to Kit's place for some "backgammon." I don't know why I put that in quotes, it's not a euphemism. They really play backgammon. And they make out. Did I mention they make out? Because they do.
See? Told you
Lucy mentions that there's a college in New England she wants to attend after she graduates high school, but she's sure her grandparents will make her stay in Dallas, which is gross. Kit's family is a wealthy oil family like the Ewings, but his parents aren't as gross and don't force him to live with them. He's got his very own, very brown apartment like a big boy, but they did hire a butler (named Jesús) to keep an eye on him...so, okay, they're partially as gross as the Ewings are. What is with these rich people?
Lucy is ready to go all the way, if you know what I mean (SEX), but Kit demurs. He cares too much about her and doesn't want to treat her like she's "cheap," after all. She starts casually throwing around the word "marriage," but he demurs about that, too. Hmm. HMM I SAY.
Kit takes Lucy home and they run into J.R., who is all smiles and sunshine when he sees the young Mr. Mainwaring. Lucy and I have the same thought: That is not at all like J.R. What is he up to? Our paths then diverge: Lucy makes out with Kit again while I...well, I guess I watch them make out. That sounds pervy, but may I remind you this is a television show, it is meant to be watched.
J.R.'s smile immediately fades the moment he enters his bedroom, and the reason why is immediately apparent. The boozophone starts playing. What's the boozophone? This is the boozophone:
And what does the boozophone herald? The boozophone heralds this:
Reader, I know there is nothing funny about a heavily pregnant woman who is passed out dead drunk, glass in hand. But oh, that music and this image had me going for a good long while I tells ya.
The next morning, the requisite "breakfast at Southfork" scene is a pastiche of clueless dysfunction. Pam tells Bobby she might have to work late, and he reminds her yet again that she "can always quit" the job she obviously really loves. Sue Ellen is still a bit drunk, and Lucy is "just gonna have a little eggs" because she's still on a diet. She ends up skipping the eggs altogether when J.R.--clearly still up to something--suggests that she and Kit have dinner with him and Sue Ellen. The notion makes her too sick to eat her breakfast, you see, but she reluctantly agrees to the dinner.
At said dinner, J.R. says that when we was but a wee bonny lad, he would follow Jock to the Ewing Oil offices and working in the family business is all he's ever wanted to do. Kit, on the other hand, is only at Mainwaring Oil to please his parents and get a touch of "real life" which will he claims help inform his true career aspirations as a writer. "He's even been published!" Lucy exclaims, all googly-eyed. J.R. then intercepts Sue Ellen's booze order, calls her and himself "old folks," and earns himself another one of her patented sideways glares that I love so so much:
As he stands to leave, J.R. gives Kit and Lucy some money to treat themselves to another night at Jimmy's Disco (!!!) and again Lucy wonders what his ulterior motives are.
The next day we get a taste of Kit's "real life" experiences at Mainwaring Oil. His father is pleased to see him being responsible and doing...I don't know, business paperwork, especially considering that Kit was apparently wild for a while after he left home, drinking and gambling and who-knows-what-else-ing. If Kit is serious about Lucy, his family will overlook their bad feelings about the Ewings and support his settling down with her. To prove they're serious, they're going to a party--excuse me, to a gala celebration the Ewings are throwing for some reason.
This partygala celebration, dammit is so good, you guys, every minute of it. First of all, if you think that the Ewings don't know how to par-tay, you'd better think again! I mean, just check out the band they hired!
Is this The Coffins, playing at one of Lucy's parties at last? "Why not," says I. "Certainly not!" says Sue Ellen. The final decision, reader, is yours.
Speaking of Sue Ellen, SURPRISE she's drunk! She's drunk and flirting heavily with a gentleman, and before she can make a complete fool of herself, Pam and Miss Ellie try to whisk her off to a Southfork interior far away from the festivities. Sue Ellen, however will not be whisked easily! She puts up a brief, angry-drunk fight, but eventually relents. It is important to note that like the booze, the gowns are flowing.
Ray and Lucy share a nice moment where Ray tells her how happy for her he is, and she tells him how happy for herself she is, and she's in love, and couldn't you just awwwwww.
Meanwhile, Kit and Bobby are having a chat and like the booze and the gowns, the velvet and the chest hair are flowing.
AND THEN.
Kit's parents show up but who cares about them? I care about the appearance of another party guest: my beloved Alpha Queen in Purple is there! IN PURPLE!
Listen, we will get to her in a bit, oh yes we will. But first! Pam and Bobby share a tender moment...under the chicken piñata??
Reader, I gasped. Although I suppose I should have expected its appearance; after all, nothing says "gala celebration" like a single, random chicken piñata.
I began to suspect that all the way back in 1979, the Dallas producers and set designers and directors could see me in the future, eyes scouring every corner of the screen as I soak up every detail to regale you with later in my recaps, and so they filled every background of every shot of this party gala celebration with wonders just for me (and subsequently you). How else to explain that chicken? How else to explain not only that first appearance of the Alpha Queen in Purple, but also that she fucking blatantly and oh so boldly photobombs Lucy and Kit as they tell everyone that they've just gotten engaged?
Yeah yeah, Lucy and Kit got engaged, sure, whatever.
Aw, I shouldn't downplay it so much. According to the society pages in the newspaper the next morning, this is big news!
Lucy says that she and Kit want a small wedding with just the two families, but J.R. reminds her of her "social responsibilities." Sue Ellen suggests there'll be around 300 guests, but at least everyone is, you know, considerate enough to allow Lucy to invite her parents Val and Gary to the wedding.
J.R. then tells Lucy that he wants to buy her a car as a graduation gift, and finally she's like "Okay yes I want the car but why are you being so nice lately?" He doesn't go into specifics with her, but he does tell her that as a Ewing, she should know when there's a deal to be made.
And a deal to be made there is! With Mainwaring Oil! Cliff Barnes and the Office of Land Management have already approved Mainwaring's plans for an oil refinery in the gulf. J.R. is going to use the pending merger of Kit and Lucy (sounds hot) as a way to glom on to that refinery deal. The refinery will make them rich(er), and J.R. can give the metaphorical middle finger (also sounds hot) to Barnes and the oildudes who gave Ewing Oil the brushoff in the previous episode.
That night, Lucy, Kit, Bobby, and Pam head to the disco once more. Again, I may not get many of these scenes in the future but boy is this episode treating me right! There are shiny fabrics and shiny faces as far as the eye can see. Kit and Lucy take a break and a particularly shiny young man comes over to say hello to Kit. Lucy is pleased to be talking to this person, while Kit is...decidedly less pleased. Hmm. HMM I SAY.
The shiny young fellow leaves and Kit explains that he is Sam, and Sam was Kit's college roommate. AGAIN I SAY HMM I SAY.
And yes, this means that Kit is out of college, hasn't lived at home in years, works a job after time carousing...and is dating a high school student. But don't worry! They make a point of telling us that she's "almost 19." (She wasn't when she was canoodling with Ray in The Hayloft of Sin, but we don't talk about that anymore, okay? Okay??)
After this shiny encounter, Kit and Lucy head to Kit's apartment again but backgammon is not on the menu tonight, oh no. Kit wants Lucy. Kit needs Lucy. It is time to DO IT. And once more I say oh, Dallas producers and set designers and directors, are you calling out to me from the past? Is that why Kit has a chicken print on his wall? To amuse me? Or is that in fact a male chicken, if you know what I mean, and deliberately there to cheekily hint at what we, uh, might already suspect about Kit?
In the post-coital times, Lucy is positively moony. She's never felt this way about anyone, and no one has ever treated her the way that Kit does. He gives her love and attention! He respects her! She's no longer the spoiled rich brat we've seen in every previous episode. She's a woman now, and she's in lurve. Kit assures her that he loves her also but he seems...mmm...not as excited as she is about all of this, let's say.
The next day he goes to see Bobby at Ewing Oil HQ in order to ask some advice. It's been a few weeks now since the engagement announcement, and Kit needs to call off the wedding. What should he do? Shockingly, Bobby doesn't accept "I just can't go through with it" as a good enough excuse to break Lucy's heart, so he presses Kit for a reason. Finally Kit says it! "I'm a homosexual, Bobby." To say the least, Bobby is stunned.
See? Told you
Kit goes on to explain that he originally went out with Lucy for appearances. He grew to truly love her as a person and admire her, but that doesn't change who he is, and neither did sleeping with her the night before. He doesn't want to hurt her any further, so he needs to call off the wedding. Bobby is...pretty cool about all of this, actually. He doesn't like that it's going to hurt his niece and he can't help in that regard, but he says Kit's personal life is his own business. Reader, I gasped!
And I gasped again, even louder, in the next scene when guess who I see pawing over Lucy's wedding gifts whilst waiting for Sue Ellen?
There she is again! IN PURPLE! Ahem, excuse me, she will always be the Alpha Queen in Purple, but here we finally learn that her name is Marilee. I googled to make sure I was spelling her name right and you guys, hold onto your butts: she is listed as being in 73 episodes of this show. She is Marilee Stone and while I got only the barest hint of what is come for her (I didn't want to spoil myself or you), let me just say that I am so psyched and I am hereby proclaiming myself to be the #1 (and #only, to be sure) Marilee Stone stan. So say we all.
Sue Ellen finally shows up and almost passes out. But she's fine! She's just a little dizzy because pregnancy doesn't agree with her, that's all. Honest! Do Marilee Stone and Not Marilee Stone believe this excuse? What does this screencap tell you?
Miss Ellie obviously doesn't believe Sue Ellen, and neither does Lucy. In fact, when all the Daughters of the Alamo finally head out to lunch, Lucy doesn't believe it for so long that she ends up staring directly into the camera for several seconds, as if willing the director to cut.
I tell you, the gifts this episode gives me are endless.
At Ewing Oil HQ, J.R. has forged that refinery deal with Kit's father, but Bobby tells him not to get too excited about it because Kit's about to call off the wedding. J.R. refuses to accept this, but Bobby assures him it's in Lucy's best interest. "What's she got to do with this?" he asks, and goes on to reveal that he knows all about Kit's secret. And that secret is no excuse, according to J.R. "Women marry homosexuals all the time!" he says. "Seems to suit a lot of 'em."
Bobby is shocked that J.R. would sink so low as to investigate Kit Mainwaring and I say really, Bobby? This shocks you? Of course J.R. knows, he knows everything about everybody! He knows so much that he's practically the Shadow Broker from Mass Effect! That's a video game reference that probably none of you will get but I'm going to make it anyway because trust me, it's pretty spot on. Anyway, as Bobby learns all of this, he makes nearly the same face he makes when he learned that Kit is gay. I guess this is Bobby's "learning something" face.
J.R. threatens to make a big stinky scandal if Kit calls off the wedding, because Kit is no threat to him. "Kit Mainwaring is more of a man, J.R., than you'll ever be," Bobby says, and I high-fived my television.
Unsurprisingly, J.R. goes to Kit's apartment to talk him out of calling off the wedding. Kit needs a beard after all, doesn't he? And if he's a part of J.R.'s family, no one ever has to know the truth. Lucy will be happy, J.R. will be happy, and Kit...well, I guess Kit doesn't matter.
But I'll tell you what does matter: Kit has a piece of art on his coffee table that is...a severed foot?? THIS IS MY FAVORITE EPISODE.
That night, Kit tells Lucy the truth. Sam wasn't just his roommate, they were lovers. He got with her to try to be "socially normal" and "accepted" and make his parents happy, but he just can't go through with it. Lucy insists that she can, that everything will be fine and she'll live with the arrangement. No, Kit insists. "I've got to learn to like myself the way I am," he says, and reader, I gasped.
Incidentally, this is Lucy's "learning something" face
Lucy is crushed, of course, but she promises to handle J.R. and promises that there will be no scandal for anyone.
It is remarkable to me that this show would frankly address homosexuality in a way that is so informed and respectful. I can't really stress enough how groundbreaking this was. The period between the 1969 Stonewall riots (which marked the beginning of gay liberation) and the AIDS epidemic that would begin in the very early 80s was one of great progress and change for the LGBT community. Throughout the 1970s gay folks began...well, being acknowledged. News programs treated homosexuality as a bit of a curiosity, something that needed explaining for the average viewer. Gay characters appeared occasionally in movies, but oftentimes they either killed or were killed. It wasn't until 1977's Soap that a gay character regularly appeared on a TV sitcom. In TV dramas there was...no one that I know of.
For Dallas--which was a smash success and would soon be on top of the ratings for several years--to feature a character like Kit Mainwaring is truly daring. He is treated with respect by the other characters on the show (even J.R. just wants to use it as blackmail fodder, as you'd expect). Even more importantly, Kit has respect for himself. There is no "love of a good woman" that can change him, no matter how good that woman is. He wants to live his life on his own terms. That he is afforded this is truly pioneering for 1979. Heck, we're only just starting to see gay characters that don't have to die at the end of a narrative or don't end up alone or they aren't the villains. Dallas was way ahead of its time here, and I don't think I've ever loved it more.
ESPECIALLY considering that we get more Marilee Stone! The Daughters of the Alamo have returned from their all-day lunch, and Marilee shadily brings up Sue Ellen's "dizzy spells" and I was in Heaven. Then Lucy shows up and promptly tells everyone that the wedding is off. She makes up a story about how Kit would get really jealous and possessive whenever she talked to her friends so she doesn't want to marry him. J.R. tries to object, but everyone hushes him up. Meanwhile, Marilee and Not Marilee are psyched as shit about this gossip and practically leave a trail of fire behind them as they promptly leave.
I'm her #1 fan, you know
Lucy has gone into another room to (understandably) bawl her eyes out, and Bobby earns maximum Cool Uncle points for talking her through it. He tells her that if Kit didn't really love her, he would have gone ahead and married her under false pretenses, and that it took a lot of guts for Kit to tell her the truth about himself. Reader, you guessed it. I gasped! This show!
Surely this is one of the best episodes in Dallas's entire run, no? Sure, it's not as salacious or crazy as the really fun stuff, but it's honestly a piece of television history that deserves recognition and respect. It's a wonderful showcase for Charlene Tilton, who runs the gamut from comedic mugging to googly-eyed love to shaking her satin-clad booty to full-on sobbing heartbreak. She's really terrific here and as a viewer you can tell she's really got a grip on who Lucy Ewing is. You love to see it.
And let's not forget about that chicken piñata! Why this episode didn't win all the Emmys I'll never understand.
Pam still hasn't returned to Southfork, but that's not good enough for J.R. In "Call Girl" we see just how far he'll go to get her out of his eyebrows for good. This episode bears all the hallmarks of what I love so much about this show and some hallmarks I didn't know I wanted. In a word, it's salacious! In two words, it's very salacious! In three? It's very mildly salacious!
The episode begins with a rather lengthy sequence of SPORTS ACTION as Bobby and J.R. face off on the racquetball courts. They are both sweaty, but Bobby makes it look sex-ay, all glistening in his tank top and shorty shorts.
Lest you think to yourself "J.R. and Bobby play racquetball? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This racquet club location--conveniently called The Racquet Club, natch--is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.
But that is to come! To now, Pam is overseeing some kind of fashion shoot for The Store, which is great. I love the sort of nebulous career Pam has with this department store. She's a buyer! She's a fashion designer! She attends fashion shows and oversees fashion shoots! She works the floor! She creates displays! Sheeeeee's every woman (that is, if every woman works for The Store) and it's all in her. And it's no mystery as to why. The creativity on display here, with the woman lethargically posing in front of a plain background, is breathtaking.
One of those lethargic posers is Leanne, played by Veronica Hamel, who would go on to star in television's Hill Street Blues a couple of years later. Leanne and Pam are best friends...and lest you think to yourself "Pam and this character I've never seen or heard of before are best friends? Huh. Okay, I guess," trust me. This best friendship is vital to the schemes and shenanigans to come.
All de-sweat-ed and cleaned up and back at Ewing Oil headquarters, J.R. is not having the best of times. It seems thanks to his position with the Office of Land Management, Cliff Barnes wields massive power and is making life difficult for his nemesis. (I told you, reader, leather padfolios and pen holders speak to said power!) J.R.'s cronies Jeb Ames and Willie Joe Garr failed to beat the manslaughter rap for Julie's death, and Ewing Oil and Villain in Chief no longer hold much clout with the rest of the oilmen. So long as Barnes is a risk, ain't no one joining forces with J.R. As you can plainly see, he is troubled by this development.
But as we know by now, J.R. and his eyebrows will not be held down for long. He's cooking up a scheme to get to the man who got Cliff the job in the first place, Ben Maxwell. Now, sure, I intimated--well, I outright stated--that Ben Maxwell is evil-seeming and creepy. He wants Cliff to displace folks in low-income neighborhoods and tear down their homes to make way for business developments, and he's got an unsettling manner that gives me the willies. But! "Call Girl" reveals his heretofore hidden depths of purity and goodness. He is not truly an evil overlord, he is simply beholden to some. (What's the difference, says I, but you catch Ben's drift.) He is dedicated to his wife and has no vices, not the sexy kind nor the boozy kind. He does play racquetball, however, and so he ends up on the court with J.R.
After a rousing match they head to The Racquet Club lounge where Maxwell proves maddeningly incorruptible. He will not do anything about the Cliff Barnes situation, nor will he drink any alcohol. Club soda and loving his wife are all he needs, thank you!
Best friends Pam and Leanne are also having lunch at The Racquet Club because Pam was hoping Bobby would be there, but alas. His absence and their marital problems have given Pam a real case of the sads, so Leanne suggests that Pam move into her spare bedroom. They are best friends, after all. Didn't you know? They run into J.R. and Ben Maxwell on their way out, and the encounter is delightful for two reasons: one, you can practically see a lightbulb go off above J.R.'s head when he gets and eyeload of Leanne. Two, when he asks "Can I buy you girls a drink?" Pam simply says NO and walks away.
But again, J.R. cannot be held down, and surprise, he's waiting at Leanne's apartment when she returns home.
Excuse me...he's waiting at Leanne's hideous eyesore of an apartment. I know I've talked before about the sensory overload the Dallas sets can induce, but Leanne's place is another level. Another garish level. It's like someone handed the set designer a blank check and just said "Go nuts. And when I say 'nuts,' I mean NUTS."
Anyway. It turns out that J.R. and Leanne already knew each other...although when they were in business cahoots and she was "running a string of girls," she was going by the name Amber. But she's turned her life around! She has a daughter now, who is staying with Leanne's mother. She's got a regular old job (you know, as a model) and she's left that call girl life in the past. Of course, no one is able to get a fresh start or leave their old life behind them when J.R. has a use for said old life, and so it is here. J.R. offers Leanne a wad of cash to seduce ol' pure boy Ben Maxwell, but she basically tells him to get stuffed. J.R. reminds her that the Texas child welfare system probably wouldn't look too kindly on a single mother with a call girl past, so mayhaps she will want to reconsider.
Later that evening, Pam calls Bobby to let him know that she's moved in with Leanne. He responds with "What's that? I'm sorry honey, I can't hear you over the hideously loud wallpaper behind you."
good lord
J.R. has telephoned one of his pals that works in the Vice Squad, and that slimeball offers to give Leanne "the B treatment," which means he tells her she's being arrested for solicitation, convinces her there's nothing she can do about it because no one will believe "a hooker," drives her around for an hour, then lets her go with a warning that he could do it again unless she "thanks" her "powerful friends." Here Dallas teaches us a vital lesson that resonates loudly even today: ACAB.
When Leanne returns home after her lesson, J.R. is waiting again. He not only wants her to seduce Ben Maxwell, he also wants her to rope Pam into it somehow. This will eliminate two of his birds with one scandal, and he'll give Leanne enough money to ensure that she truly can get that fresh start with her daughter. It is tempting, but setting up her best friend in the process? As you can plainly see, she is troubled by this development.
The dulcet tones of what I think is the Dallas sexophone play out, but it's actually the dulcet tones of the boozophone, which can only mean one thing: Sue Ellen is sloshed!
Seriously, let's all give Linda Gray all the standing ovations for finding ways to pose with a glass and/or bottle of booze every single week. I never get tired of it, but surely she did.
Apparently she skipped dinner, which we all know is a capital crime around Southfork. J.R. kindly reminds her that she's a "lush" and a "tramp" and the "only thing standing between her and the gutter" is the baby she's carrying so she'd better show up at the dinner table every night. It's positively shocking that she drinks, I tells ya!
Meanwhile, Bobby and Ray have been investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. It seems some good ol' boys cut a hole in the fence around Southfork and made off with some cattle. Bobby and Ray end up at a saloon where it turns out that Kit Mainwaring, son of another venerable Dallas oil family, is also investigating The Case of the Cattle Rustlers. Before you can say "TESTOSTERONE," fists and sawdust are flying in a bonafide barroom brawl. I am not exaggerating when I say that I counted the sounds of 29 punches. And oops, somehow Bobby's shirt flew open in the scuffle!
At breakfast the next morning, Bobby explains his scratched up face and Jock is jealous: "Nothin' I like better than a little fight now and then!" and his glee over this is...somehow...it's somehow...hold on, this painful for me to say.
It's somehow...endearing. I don't understand it, but there it is. This is the first episode in which I found myself liking Jock for more than just his incredible hair, and it's because I am enjoying his ridiculous childish machismo! 2020 continues to be a wild ride, I guess.
Kit Mainwaring shows up (at Bobby's invitation) so they can discuss The Case of the Cattle Rustlers and uh oh, Lucy's tiny sex goblin senses start tingling. He's "gorgeous," she proclaims, all googly-eyed and giggly, and methinks this may not be the last we see of young Mr. Mainwaring.
Leanne has decided to go through with J.R.'s scheme, and as such she "just happens" to run into Ben Maxwell at The Racquet Club. J.R. spies on them for a bit to make sure that Operation: Seduce Ben Maxwell has launched, and reader, let me tell you...I desperately want to get this moment tattooed somewhere on my person:
The image of J.R. nefariously snooping next to a potted plant filled me with the same glee Jock feels for fistfights and violence! I feel refreshed, revived, and reinvigorated. It is as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Oil of Olay's age-defying--excuse me, as if I have slathered my externals and internals in Principal Secret's age-defying salves, lotions, unguents, ointments, and balms.
Satisfied, J.R. enlists the services of a photographer who is also trying to leave his sordid past behind him--he doesn't take these types of incriminating photos anymore! But J.R. and his money talk some sweet talk and so even more morals are compromised in this episode.
Leanne wields her feminine wiles and gets Ben Maxwell good and liquored up. Having convinced him that she's super horny for him, she brings him to Chez Hideous for a "nightcap" (sex). She tricks him into going into Pam's bedroom, and I am reminded of the inciting incident in the 1980 Canadian slasher flick Terror Train where as a prank, a bunch of jerks trick poor Kenny into hopping into bed with a corpse they stole from a medical college. There, Kenny's mind snaps and he goes on a murderous revenge spree. Here, it's not a corpse, it's a sleeping Pam. And Ben Maxwell's mind doesn't snap, he gets mad; nor does he go on a murderous revenge spree. He just leaves! So I guess it's not really like Terror Train much at all, but like I said that's where my mind went and I just thought you should know.
Pam wakes up during all this and is as confused as you likely are about all that Terror Train business.
"Wha-huh? Phew, thought I was a corpse for a second there"
This Three's Company-style mix-up was caught on film by the morally compromised photographer and the next morning the scandal is front page news, complete with a headline in, like, 500pt font.
It is so stupid and I love it endlessly.
The paper is passed around the Southfork breakfast table and reactions are mixed. Miss Ellie doesn't believe Pam would be caught in a love nest. Lucy proclaims it "awful," while Sue Ellen is all in. "It looks like she didn't learn anything during her time here," she says. I do adore it when Sue Ellen gets all rich lady snooty!
Bobby doesn't believe it either, and goes so far as to accuse J.R. of having something to do with it. J.R. denies it--Pam is just a simple tramp, that's all, which causes Bobby's eyes of madness to activate.
You know what that means: scuffle! Jock pries his sons apart and barks at J.R.: "If I find out you had anything to do with it, I'll kick your tail over into the next county!"
WHY DO I LOVE THIS? Is this a Covid symptom?
Her job done, Leanne packs her bags and is ready to split. Pam hasn't seen the newspaper yet and still has no idea that any of this was a purposeful setup and not a simple (and sexy!) late-night mistake. Leanne, ever the best friend, is like "leave me alone, the apartment doesn't matter, don't ask me any questions, sorry, bye."
J.R. meets with his fellow oilmen, all ready to celebrate Ben Maxwell's downfall. But the oildudes still aren't ready to join forces with Ewing Oil again. Cliff Barnes is still making trouble at the pleasure of Maxwell's boss. Womp womp, J.R., your scheme was for naught!
The other half of his scheme, wherein he sought to break up Bobby and Pam for good, also fails. It doesn't drive them apart; rather, it unites them like they've never been united before. Pam takes a lot of convincing--she was all packed and ready to skip town to avoid the scandal and surely no one at Southfork wants her there because of the scandal and oh she'll never recover from the scandal. "It's time to come home, Pam," Bobby says, reminding her that if she leaves, J.R. finally gets what he wants. She doesn't want J.R. to win, does she? To beat J.R. she must live with J.R.! FOREVER.
And so, at long last, Pam returns to Southfork. As with the scandal, reactions are mixed. Lucy and Miss Ellie are elated. Jock is...fine with it.
Sue Ellen, booze in hand, is less enthused. She's surprised Pam would show her (perfect) face around the ranch after she's brought such disgrace to the family. With the scandal, duh. Call me crazy, but it kind of seems like Sue Ellen is projecting.
They draw out the Pam/J.R. reunion for a few comedic moments, with the latter unaware that his morning is about to be ruined by the reappearance of his nemesis-in-law, who is lurking behind him.
This reminded me of the 1978 slasher flick Halloween...you know, this scene where Annie is out in the little laundry house, washing the pants she spilled butter all over and talking on the phone with Paul, and Michael Myers lurks in the shadows, watching her.
Yeah, that scene! Anyway, all of J.R.'s plans got foiled so hard in this episode, the ending may as well have included the Price is Right loser horn jingle. Again I say: womp womp, J.R. Womp womp indeed!
Oh my, my, my y'all, things are starting to heat up! This week we've got some wheeling, some dealing, some chest heaving and some new hair...cleaving. Uh, yes, that all makes perfect sense. Read on to find out how!
The last time we saw Sue Ellen's titular sister Kristin, she was seductively eating pears in J.R.'s general direction. Now J.R. has invited her to Southfork where she is dazzling the Ewing men with her backgammon prowess. The women are decidedly less impressed, especially Lucy, who storms out of the room because Grandpa Jock doesn't pay her enough attention while this new young lass is hanging around.
Of particular note in this scene is Bobby's chest, all hanging out there. Let me tell you, if you are a Bobby's chest enthusiast you will be positively thrilled with "Sue Ellen's Sister." This episode cranks the beefcake meter up to eleven!
Kristin decides that backgammon needs some higher stakes--some ten cents per point stakes. "A girl's gotta think about her future," she says. Sue Ellen notes this. J.R. notes this. Kristin notes them noting this. The room is suddenly awash with the scent of deviousness! And, if I had to wager, probably Brut by Fabergé.
In the boudoir later, Sue Ellen has bedded her old pal booze and a book. First of all, I really want to know what she's reading! Second...she is just a straight-up alcoholic now and a very pregnant one at that. I love the Booze Ellen storylines in a salacious soap opera way, but the way no one comments on it despite the risk to the unborn child they're usually salivating over is a big yikes. Those were the days!
Anyway, Sue Ellen susses out J.R.'s scheme; seducing her little sister might be a step too far, even for him. But using Kristin to further drive a wedge between Bobby and his absentee wife Pam...yes, that might be just the thing.
The next morning, Sue Ellen and Kristin get to talking. Sue Ellen wants to dissuade her little sister from following in her footsteps lest she make the same mistakes. Money isn't everything, after all, and a different path would have led to a happier life. Kristin is not convinced, and I can't say I blame her. Sue Ellen hasn't provided any details as to why her life at Southfork is a living heck. Also they're, you know, having this conversation in and around the in-ground swimming pool whilst their every need is met by servants.
Besides! Kristin is tired of living in Sue Ellen's shadow. Growing up it was always "Sue Ellen is so pretty" this and "have a Sue Ellen hand-me-down" that...and what better way to stop being seen as a pale imitation of Sue Ellen than to, uh, marry a Ewing and move into Southfork?
Before Sue Ellen can argue with Kristin's sound logic, Cliff calls her. Don't get excited! The embers of their dead romance may still glow, but they're not being resuscitated today. Cliff simply wants the inside scoop on some Ewing oil land leases. J.R. doesn't discuss business with her, but she has overheard and memorized a shit ton of details. Let that be a warning to all of us: Sue Ellen hears you, and she knows.
Excuse me. I need to take a moment here as I prepare to reveal this episode's most shocking development. At my advanced age (I am 86 years old) I avoid things like bungee jumping, rollercoasters, hot peppers, episodes of Punk'd, State of the Union addresses, and anything else that might startle me too much. This episode should have come with a trigger warning, but it did not! And so I am providing one for you, or at least I am acting as a kind of buffer, warning you to brace yourself for what is to come. Are you sitting down? Okay. Here it comes.
PAM GOT BANGS.
I knew the glory days would have to end at some point. Look, don't get me wrong! These bangs are not bad. These days are still pretty glorious. But I can't help but look at them as a sort of death knell. I know what's coming. I've seen the pictures. Sure, sure, we all love and loved the 80s but mark my words. Mark them! Those bangs might feel like a light breeze, but trust...there's a storm on the horizon, a typhoon of terrible tresses, and those bangs are its harbinger.
But let's not dwell on the dark days to come, hmm? Pam and her new bangs are meeting with Bobby (even though he left her standing on the street in a fabulous coat at the end of the previous episode...the nerve) but, you know, their minds are not meeting. They still cannot seem to find a path forward together. Pam loves Bobby, but not his family. Bobby is like "okay, I hear you, but come live with my family anyway." Will they ever reunite? Or are Pam's new bangs one of those breakup / fresh start hairdos?
So about those oil field leases I mentioned earlier. Cliff is meeting with an old ranch dude who is the last holdout against signing a deal with the Ewings. Without a lease to his land, the Ewings can't drill and they're losing millions of dollars. Cliff, as the new head of the Office of Land Management, knows this and uses it as an opportunity to stick it to his nemeses. He convinces old ranch dude to sell a percentage to Digger, who can then reap the rewards from tappin' dat oil.
The only hitch in his plan is that, uh, no one knows where Digger is, and Cliff doesn't have enough money on his own to buy the percentage. He asks Pam to get a loan from her husband to cover the rest of it and when she balks, he plays the "Oh wow, you don't want to help dad? Are you a Barnes or a Ewing?" card. What a jerk! It would be bad enough if he were just giving her a massive guilt trip, but Cliff has conveniently not mentioned how this plan will screw over the Ewings.
I say Pam should get a buzzcut à la Imperator Furiosa and drive a big rig on outta all these fools' lives forever, but she doesn't. Instead, she asks Bobby and Bobby says sure, have some money.
That night, Kristin is twirling around the Southfork foyer, surely fantasizing about spending the rest of her days there. Before you can say "Wow, that reminds me of Sue Ellen," Lucy enters and says "You remind me of Sue Ellen." In fact, Lucy appears several times throughout the episode to act as Kristin's own personal Kassandra of Troy, giving her "advice" and/or simply snarking at her. It's pretty great.
The next morning, Sue Ellen once again reminds J.R. that she simply will not stand for his using Kristin as a pawn in his devious games...as if, what, J.R. would say "You're right, sugar, my bad," and stop? He lives to scheme! And scheme he does, telling Kristin that she should ask Bobby to drive her into Dallas so she can check out the "really nice architecture."
A few moments later we learn that "really nice architecture" is not a euphemism. In the car, Kristin name-drops I.M. Pei and talks about her interest in architecture and her desire to attend school in southern California to study it...unless, of course, a nice husband comes along first. HINT HINT.
"MAYBE THERE'S A NICE HUSBAND IN THIS CAR RIGHT NOW."
Meanwhile, J.R. finds out that Pam and the money she got from Bobby are the reasons the old ranch dude is still holding out on signing the oil lease over to the Ewings. Way more importantly, this scene is a reminder of J.R.'s large snail paperweight which, it should be said, is also not a euphemism!
J.R. is mad about all of this but he's also, you know, kinda psyched about it because he can use it to widen the divide between Pam and Bobby. And use it he does, telling Bobby all about it and telling Kristin that Bobby's marriage is over and it's time to wrap up the ol' seduction.
Bobby asks Pam about it and she's as shocked as I was over those bangs, but she refuses to believe her brother had any bad ulterior motives. Bobby lays into her, calling her hypocritical for always thinking the worst about the Ewings but the best about Cliff. Pobody's nerfect, after all. "It's time you grew up, Pamela," he says and leaves her in the metaphorical dust.
That night, Jock is fuming about all the bidness holdups and the millions of dollars it's costing the family. J.R. hasn't been able to seal the deal, but Bobby volunteers to talk to Cliff and old ranch dude to see what can be done. "You fail," Jock says, "and we'll do whatever we have to." I wonder...are we supposed to be on Jock's side here? Surely no, right? Surely we're meant to see his behavior in this scene as the reason why J.R. is so ruthless and why Bobby is so brainwashed? How the need to please "daddy" has warped their morality? How this beloved patriarch / domineering a-hole has ruined the lives of everyone around him, even while their buckets and buckets of money leave them feeling that everything is fine? Or is it just me?
That evening, Bobby and Pam are still at an impasse. Pam and her bangs suggest they have lunch the next day but Bobby and his bare chest are all "Nah, what's the point?" and he hangs up on her. The brown and yellow that have exploded all over these two sets serve to emphasize the sad feelings.
The next day, Bobby tries to settle the lease deal with Cliff, but Cliff ain't backing down. In addition to everything else they've done to the Barneses, the Ewings ruined the election for him and they got him thrown in jail on a trumped up murder charge. He'll stop at nothing--nothing, I tells ya--to get back at 'em...even if it means using Pam to do so! Bobby warns him that if Cliff doesn't give this up he'll let J.R. go hog wild on him (sadly, this is also not a euphemism) and the Ewings will absolutely destroy him. Yay!
Before he heads off to see the old ranch dude, Bobby swings by Southfork where Kristin is acting awfully thirsty, if you know what I mean. Lucy, lounging by the pool, advises her that she'd be better off pointing her boner at J.R. because even though he's having marriage troubles, Bobby's not the kind to stray.
Rather than heed this advice, Kristin heads to Bobby's bedroom, just as Bobby happens to be buttoning up his shirt. This episode has enough bare chest shots to compose a beefcake calendar!
What in the dowdy-ass HELL is Kristin wearing?
Kristin convinces him to play some tennis with her after he sees the old ranch dude. Bobby's like what? Architecture? Tennis? Is there anything Kristin can't do? As it turns out, no, there's nothing she can't do, because her mother has given her extensive...ahem..."geisha training." This means she should be "good but not too good at anything that might interest a man," and yet again this episode has left me reeling! It is difficult to know whether or not the writers are passing judgment on Kristin or her mother here. But the glimpses of feminism we get in the show from time to time are fascinating. Second-wave feminism and the idea of "women's liberation" were really starting to inform pop culture, and Dallas is a prime example of ideologies clashing. There's Pam's desire to have a career vs. Jock's "the Ewing women don't work" stance. There's the question of whether the Daughters of the Alamo should have political minds of their own or simply back their husbands'. We have Lucy's rebellious nature contrasted with Kristin's "how to please a man" lessons, and Sue Ellen warning Kristin that she, too, had a desperate desire to land a husband and her life turned out miserable because of it. I love this show!
Anyway, Bobby offers the old ranch dude a 21% stake in the profits; it's not the 25% it's worth, but it's a better deal than what he'll get if the Ewings take him to court. To get my dander up even more over his scumbag capitalist behaviors, Bobby says "Now let's go play tennis!" to Kristin. And then they do!
That night, J.R. sidles up to Kristin to see how Operation: Land Bobby is going. Bobby is convinced that this intimate scene implies canoodling rather than conniving, and chastises his older brother for putting the make on Sue Ellen's sister.
You can see how Bobby might have misinterpreted
Meanwhile, Pam confronts Cliff. Did he just use her to get back at Bobby? Is he only making things worse for her marriage? Finally Cliff is honest--like J.R., he is also trying to break up the marriage. Pam needs to get back to her roots! She can't be a Barnes and a Ewing, and she needs to choose. You probably know how Pam reacts to this.
Wonder Pam powers activate! Form of...Not the One
Pam is really caught between a Barnes and a Ewing place. Is there any difference between the two? She apologizes to Bobby for not believing him about Cliff's involvement, but she also says that if Cliff is a rat it's only because J.R. turned him into one. This makes Bobby mad! Will this drive him into Kristin's arms?
Sort of! That night Kristin makes her move, telling Bobby he looks sad and then going right in for a kiss.
To his credit, Bobby demurs. He sees Kristin like he sees Lucy, and he'd like it if they could be friends. But that's not enough for Kristin...it's husband or bust for her!
On her way out of Bobby's room she runs into Lucy, who gloats whilst holding a large glass of milk.
She tells Kristin that she's better off leaving, that she's in Lucy's way and if she stays at Southfork she'll end up "a big loser." A strange expression crosses Lucy's face, though whether it's that she feels bad about saying mean things to Kristin or whether she realizes that staying at Southfork will also make her a big loser is unclear.
Kristin finds no quarter with her big sister, either. Sue Ellen tells her that it's best if she goes to join their mother in Santa Fe.
Poor, sad Kristin! Of course, savvy Dallas fans know that she'll be back, oh yes indeed. However, when she returns she won't be Colleen Camp anymore...she'll be Mary Crosby. Ah, the magic of television!
Bobby and Pam have yet another conversation about the state of their relationship. Pam says she doesn't want to be a Barnes or a Ewing anymore...what if (GASP) she and Bobby made a life of their own, away from all the family feuds? They could go anywhere! Anywhere that is not Southfork! But Bobby will only take Southfork as an answer. Living somewhere else would mean, I don't know, the terrorists would win or something. The only possible way for them to prove they really love each other is to live in a single room in someone else's house!
You know what, bangs or no bangs, she looks great
He leaves Pam with a mandate: decide. The choice seems obvious to me, but we're left hanging until next time!
