2.17 - THE RED FILE part one

Original airdate: February 2, 1979

If you ask me, this episode should be called Now That's What I Call Juicy because let me tell you, juicy is what I call it! It truly has it all, as you'll come to read. But right off the bat we know we're in for something special as our eyes are treated to the sight of J.R. and Julie strolling together down a boardwalk on the gulf.

The ascot! The fancy glasses and bubbly! The fur-knit combo featuring Julie's perfectly feathered hair perfectly feathering around her toque! This scene should be narrated by Robin Leach because truly it is some champagne wishes and caviar dreams shit.

Despite the fact that they are in the midst of a perfectly blissful three-day getaway, these two illicit lovebirds can't help but let their insecurities shine through. Julie asks J.R. what he's thinking and feeling about her, for she can never be fully sure where she stands. J.R., meanwhile, asks her to rate Cliff Barnes's nookie game on a scale of 1-10. It's not weird at all!

Speaking of Cliff Barnes and champagne, Cliff Barnes is enjoying some champagne to celebrate his new job as the Chief of the Office of Land Management. Yes, he done sold his soul in order to "bury J.R. Ewing." And I might mean "sold his soul" literally, because the businessman who got Cliff the gig has a real creepy way of talking and staring and gives off some serious Tom Noonan in The House of the Devil vibes.

The next morning, Sue Ellen and her baby bump answer the telephone because, you see, it was ringing. It's Cliff! But he's calling for his sister Pam. I guess Cliff and Sue "just the marbles" Ellen are truly over.

More importantly (although truly, is anything more important than Sue Ellen Ewing? no) this scene establishes that there is a mysterious man in a van listening to Cliff's phone calls. Now that's what I call foreshadowing!

ATTENTION PLEASE: we have reached the beefcake portion of the show! Bobby has daringly unbuttoned his shirt rather low, right there in the Ewing Oil offices.

He and Ray are discussing plans for building Ray's house--remember that l'il chunk o' land Jock bestowed upon the ranch hand to trap him at Southfork forever thank him for years of service? Ray is unsure he wants to stay at Southfork though, as he's still stinging over his sweetie Garnet McGee canoodling with J.R. Who can blame him? She's an electrifying performer and a powerful singer! Also she is Kate Mulgrew.


Really, though, I appreciate the show's repeated use of callbacks. Sure, plotlines are generally resolved quickly and characters often up and disappear completely, but a reference to someone or something from a previous episode enriches the world of the show and really gives it a soap opera feel. This is especially true in "The Red File" not only because of the Garnet reference, but also because of, you know, the red file. The one that's got J.R.'s secret paperwork in it. And, of course, there's Julie herself, who has, uh, returned and who knows just where that paperwork is.

Although he doesn't know about the red file, Ray knows that something's up at Southfork. Roughnecks--particularly one Charlie Waters--have been spotted out at a remote corner of the property poking around. We know that those oil crews have been hired by J.R., who wants to tap that land after Jock dies. Now that's what I call dramatic irony! Bobby agrees to quietly help Ray with his investigatin'.

Cliff holds a meeting in his new office and we are given visual proof of the massive amounts of power he now wields: behold, y'all, the padfolios and pen holders! And the positively enormous ashtrays! And *squints* by gorsh...are those women? In a business-flavored meeting? Dallas continues to inch its way toward a Ms. Magazine sponsorship and I love it.

One of the women even speaks!

Ray heads to a bar in search of roughneck Charlie Waters (listen, they say "roughneck" about fifty times in this episode so I, too, will say it every time it's applicable) and he finds him...or more like roughneck Charlie Waters's fist finds Ray's face! The roughnecks beat Ray up but good for stickin' his nose in their bidness. He's got shiny shiners everywhere.

Bobby tells him he shouldn't be "playing Barnaby Jones" all by himself, a statement from which I suppose we can surmise that Bobby watches Barnaby Jones. Finally Bobby does something I approve of! But it's here, dear reader, that I must confess my shame; whenever I mention my beloved geriatric detectives (and mention them often, I sure do), I automatically go to Columbo and Jessica Fletcher. Occasionally I will add Matlock for a little pizazz, although I admit, I think the theme song is the best part of that show. Doesn't it just make you want to don a seersucker suit and dance under a full Georgia moon? Then there's that surprise slide whistle ending (not a euphemism) and it never fails to startle. Anyway, my point is that I have greatly neglected Barnaby Jones over the years whilst pontificating on geriatric detectives. Is Barnaby himself not the very model of a geriatric detective? Indeed he is. I can make one vow today: I will neglect him no more! (I just felt a disturbance in the force, which is all of my friends shuddering at the thought of having to hear about Buddy Ebsen and/or Barnaby Jones in the future.)

J.R. and Julie have returned home from their getaway only to catch some respective winds: J.R. learns of Ray's investigatin' and sends roughneck Charlie Waters off to Mexico. Julie learns that another J.R. henchman--or someone, at any rate--snooped through her apartment while she was away. But oh ho ho, she is unconcerned! "You'll never find it," she says, "'cause you don't know where to look." Now that's what I call solid reasoning! The "it" is the key to a locker that presumably contains the red file, and she's got it taped to the underside of a jewelry box. So clever, Julie, but this isn't just marbles. This is a dangerous game you play!

At lunch, Julie happens to run into Cliff Barnes. It's no surprise--after all, we should know by now how much Cliff loves lunch. They're friendly and a bit flirty. She's got a job interview, which Cliff finds surprising. She's not working for Ewing Oil? Why, she's gorgeous enough to be their vice president! And being gorgeous is really the only qualification one needs for the job. Our current vice president is proof enough of that. Cliff reminds Julie that he's always open to buying whatever Ewing secrets she's selling, but she says he can't afford it...to which Cliff replies that she simply hasn't been hurt by J.R. enough yet. Across the way, a man very, very, very, no really so very casually watches them.

unnoticeable

That fellow is an oil crony of J.R.'s, and he warns J.R. that he needs to be wary of Julie. What if she's giving away all their secrets to Cliff? J.R. doesn't seem very worried, and when he mentions it to Julie that night it's more of a flirt than it is a confrontation. And she flirts right back with a "well you had someone snoop through my apartment while I was gone" and J.R.'s is all "who, me?" and no this relationship isn't toxic at all, why do you ask?

Then J.R. leans in and asks Julie what Cliff is like. You know. What is he like sexually. Julie laughs it off and J.R. insists she tell him. Between this and the "rate Cliff 1-10" he brought up earlier...look, in case he's reading this, I have to say: J.R., if you want to kiss Cliff Barnes so badly then just tell him! Y'all could stop the fussin' and the feudin' and get to huggin'! Sheesh. Those two, I swear.

"Okay, I'll be me and you be Cliff. JUST FOR PRETEND. I hate him so much I want to know what it'd be like to sleep with him, that's all hahaha. What?"

Later, as he's getting ready to leave, J.R. casually tells Julie that she should sleep with Cliff again to get some secrets out of him during pillow talk. Lest Julie think this is a slimy offer, J.R. insists that he will pay her well for her services. Julie, nude and enjoying some post-fornication bed cheese (as you do) says it all without saying a word.

"Da--and I cannot stress this enough--fuq?"

Of course, she does then say a word, and that word is "no."

A few minutes later she says some more words to Cliff's answering machine: it seems that J.R.'s attempt at pimping her out is the last straw (like we haven't heard that before, Julie) and she's ready to sell dem secrets. She also sticks that locker key in an envelope, addresses it to someone, and drops it in the mailbox. You might think all of this is important, but the truly important thing about this scene is that Julie has yet another robe that is color coordinated with her telephone. She might be playing dangerous games, but she knows how to live, baby!

At Southfork, Bobby learns that Jock fired roughneck Charlie Waters years earlier after he stole some tools. He shouldn't be on their property at all! He confronts J.R. about it and J.R. pleads ignorance. Bobby gets heated and when J.R. saucily said "Are you gonna punch me out?" I felt so good that someone was finally acknowledging Bobby's insane temper and the way he always Hulks out and immediately wants to deck people.

HEY remember the man in the can we saw earlier? The one who tapped Cliff's phone line? Well natch he heard Julie's message about selling secrets...but he doesn't tell J.R. He tells J.R.'s oil cronies! They show up at Julie's apartment and tell her to pack a bag and split right now...and this shit turns into a horror movie for a minute.

Julie escapes out of her apartment's back door (an apartment in a high rise apartment building has a back door? sure, I guess)! But there's another oil crony waiting at the bottom of the stairwell! He starts to chase her!

She ends up on the roof, amongst the shadows and under a full moon!

There's nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide! Cliff has arrived and finds Julie's apartment empty. He doesn't know she's right there up above running for her life!

The oil cronies catch her, and they've got black gloves and everything. We're in cowboy giallo country!

There's a tussle, a fall, and...a splat. Julie, you've only just returned but already you're leaving us for Heaven. I assume.

The next morning, Julie's death is front page news. As it should be.

Everyone is shocked, no one more than J.R., who excuses himself for some privacy and some booze. Dare I say--is that almost a tear in his eye? Is J.R. actually having...feelings?

He and Julie did almost marry once, and she knew all his weird sexual proclivities. It's probably the closest J.R. has ever come to--or will ever come to--actually loving someone, which is sad if you think about it. But he's a monster, so who cares.

The van man finally reports to J.R. about Julie's phone call to Cliff. Yes, even the van man is a dirty double dealer! I'm surprised that it's The X-Files that's known for "trust no one" and not Dallas. Here's the thing about that message Julie left on the answering machine: we know she was talking about J.R., but she never mentions him by name so it sounds like she's blackmailing Cliff, not agreeing to work with him. J.R. is convinced that Cliff has killed Julie. Or at least that's what he's going with.

Detectives had called Cliff in for some questions, because he was seen at Julie's apartment the night before. But then J.R. tips them off about that answering machine message and apparently that's enough evidence to arrest Cliff for murder. His disheveled hair and tie (not to mention that five o'clock shadow) signify that he is not having a good time!

Pam visits him in the clink and Cliff explains how J.R. tapped his phone and set him up, and that Julie was ready to reveal all the dirty Ewing secrets. Pam gets back to Southfork that evening and takes a moment in the driveway to compose herself. Look at this dramatic lighting, with her face half in shadoe! It's, you know, like a visual representation of Pam's two inner halves at odds with each other. Can she be a Barnes and a Ewing? Will she ever find peace in this family?

BOY OH BOY do we get an answer to that. Pam is in a rage like we've never seen her in before: it's a calm fury, if you know what I mean. It's not her patented righteous anger tears, oh no. She doesn't cry. She doesn't blink. She. Is. Furious.

She lays into J.R.: he framed her brother because he knew Cliff would show that "the Ewing empire is built on deceit and downright theft."

Jock immediately butts in with "That's enough of that, Pam!" but she keeps going.

"You'd rather have Cliff dead than have the world find out how rotten the Ewings really are!" she says and storms out and it's possible that I squealed with delight.

She goes to her room and packs a damn bag, and when Bobby tries to stop her because this shouldn't come between them, she turns that calm fury on her husband. "I don't know if I can be married to a Ewing!" she says, and she keeps on packin'.

She heads out the door, gets in her Corvette, and for a moment I thought she was going to stop herself from leaving. But she doesn't stop herself! In fact, she fucking peels out and is gone. It's the best thing that's happened on this show so far!

J.R. and Sue Ellen watch her go. "That's no loss," he says, and the look Sue Ellen gives him is absolute perfection.

"What kinda man are you, anyway?" she says, and I should have turned off the DVD right there. I should have ended this entire series right there, because how could it get better? Sue Ellen is openly disgusted with and sneering at J.R. Pam has peeled out of the Ewing family at long, long last. It's a perfect ending!

But I didn't stop the DVD. J.R. and Sue Ellen went back inside Southfork for dinner. Pam, like Julie, will return and once again become entangled with these truly awful people. And as the voiceover fatefully said during the episode-ending freeze-frame, we'll be back next week for the conclusion of this storyline.

I can't wait!

2.16 - JULIE'S RETURN

Original airdate: January 26, 1979

Let me just say right up front that in these uncertain times, I appreciate an episode title that leaves me feeling quite certain that I know what I'm gonna get. Some lady named Julie is gonna return!

In case you can't remember who exactly this so-called "Julie" is (how dare you forget her??), she is the ex-lover and ex-secretary of one mister J.R. Ewing. We last saw her all the way back in episode 1.3 ("Spy in the House"), wherein she got fed up with J.R., then slept with Cliff Barnes and gave him some incriminating paperwork, for which Pam got blamed. Julie's returning, you see, to Dallas, to Dallas, and to our hearts. Will she return to Cliff's bed? To J.R.'s bed? Or has she set her sights higher?

Thanks to her last appearance, we know that she is a wiz at coordinating her eyeshadow with her bedsheets. Upon her return, we learn that she is also a wiz at coordinating her sweaters with her telephone. Is there anything this woman can't do?

She's on the phone with the maître d' at the Cattlemen's Club, asking that he call her should Jock Ewing ever show up there. It seems to me that the maître d' probably has enough going on and shouldn't have to add this to his list of tasks? But what do I know, add it he does.

Before Bobby and Pam leave for their tennis date, Jock asks his son about...horse stuff...or cow stuff? I don't know...as Bobby insists it's all been done already or will be done tomorrow without Jock's help. The truly important thing here is that Pam looks great, even against a brown car interior.

Inside Southfork, the Daughters of the Alamo are having a wee meeting. We learn that one of the Daughters is rebelling against the idea that they are only a political body when they're supporting their husbands' positions (puke). "What about our positions? Our opinions?" she says. Who is this feminist hero? Why, it's none other than the Alpha Queen in Purple that we met in the last episode!

As you can see, she's wearing purple again and she means business. Sue Ellen, perhaps still smarting from the shit-talk of the Bitches Who Lunch but too polite to say anything, shoots eye daggers at her. Or perhaps Sue Ellen despises/envies a Dallas society woman who refuses to accept gender inequality. Whatever it is, my mind has embiggened this rivalry and I want it to last and last, although I am 100% sure that this is probably the last we will see of it.

Jock wanders in for a drink and right there in front of all these women Miss Ellie tells him he's only allowed to have soda and suggests he go take a nap like a big, old baby. He wanders outside, where Lucy is having a pool party (she has friends? sure). He tries to pick up a li'l barbecue grill but Lucy stops him, because it will be too much effort for his old man body. A virile teen male moves it instead, and I am here for Jock getting infantilized at every turn. I hope you know that this is solely because I think Jock is a jerk.

Case in point: that night at dinner, Jock goes on about how he can't wait for his grandson to bust out of Sue Ellen's womb place. "What if it's another granddaughter?" Lucy says.

Sue Ellen shuts down this slight hint of women's libbery with a snippy "Hush up, Lucy." Lucy and I both seethe.

Miss Ellie keeps harping on Jock. No salt! No meetings! No this! No that! And finally Jock has had it. "Day I start taking orders from anybody is the day they bury me!" he yells and storms out. I wonder how he would feel about the need for face masks in the Time of Corona. Pam would wear a mask, and she'd eventually convince Bobby to wear one. Lucy might, but only if it was sparkly or some shit. The rest of them? At the risk of sounding like Meryl Streep at the end of Doubt, I have doubts.

Anyway, the truly important thing about this dinner scene is that Pam looks great.

Jock defies his wife and goes to a meeting at Ewing HQ, wherein the oil guys tell him that his ways are the ways of the past, man. Now it's all about fracking. I felt my blood turn to ice at the mention of that word! (Meanwhile, RuPaul was dialing up Ewing Oil to do some bidness.) After the meeting, Jock's pal Punk is not available for lunch so Jock heads to the Cattleman's Club on his own. You know what this means: Commissioner Maître D' lights up that Julie signal!

She saunters in and just happens to see the elder Ewing, then just happens to stop by his table to apologize for that whole giving away company secrets thing. Jock chalks it up to politics--why, surely they've done damage to Cliff Barnes in the past (ya think??) so it was fair play. "Welcome home, Julie," he says, and for some reason Julie suddenly gets the soft focus treatment. I can't tell if it's meant to be alluring, like a love-vision or something, or it's a mistake, or maybe it's an indicator that Jock is developing cataracts? Choose your own adventure, reader!

She reminds Jock of his younger, manlier days when he fought a fire for three days straight with no food or sleep, and he is so taken that he not only decides to accompany her while she shops, they decide to meet for lunch again the following day. In a Three's Company-esque moment of shock (or something...you know, milder than that), Pam and Bobby arrive to dine at the very same restaurant!

Bobby shows concern over the return of this spy in the house, but Pam is decidedly less concerned, but she looks great. Unlike Sue Ellen, she doesn't seem to hold a grudge. She should! At the least it might get her out of Southfork somehow.

Jock was supposed to meet Bobby at the Ewing offices later that day, but he doesn't show. He's still with Julie, and he doesn't care! "You're the first woman that ever made me miss an appointment," he tells her, which I guess is a compliment. When he finally shows up at Southfork hours later, J.R. and Bobby try to talk to him about his behavior, but he blows them off, only intimating that he had a "real good day."

J.R. cannot let this stand, of course. He heads straight to Julie's and waits as someone delivers flowers to her. Flowers he ordered. Did he truly mean to welcome her back? Or was it simply a ruse to get his foot literally in her door when she opened it? He is forever an enigma, our J.R. So is 70s decor. Witness: the enormous butterfly wall sculpture in Julie's kitchen. And yes, we are still in brown town. And yes yes, Julie is once again coordinated with her phone. She is living the life!

Anyway, J.R. kinda puts the moves on her but also kinda wants to know what she's doing with his daddy but also kinda really wants to know what she's gonna do about the Red File. You might think this is another accessory to match her telephone and outfits but no--the Red File, if you'll remember from episode 2.12 ("Fallen Idol") (how dare you forget??) has to do with the fake will J.R. made in Jock's name that will allow him to drill on Southfork land once Jock croaks. Julie teases as to whether or not she'll rat J.R. out about the Red File, which doesn't seem like a good idea to me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it seems like a very bad idea. If J.R. thinks you're a threat, at the least he'll destroy you professionally! And Julie should be particularly mindful of this: as she's been spending all of her time since returning to Dallas with Jock, she hasn't even found a job yet.

As for all that time she spending with Jock, Julie says that "his wife treats him like a child. His children treat him like an invalid. I treat him like a man." Again, I felt my blood turn to ice!

J.R. puts the moves on again and Julie stops him. While she used to be happy with whatever time he afforded her, she also felt used and it's over. Things are gonna be different now, see? Different! J.R. leaves, but not before dumping his drink in the flowers he bought for her and reminding her that he always gets what he wants. Look, we're halfway through Season 2 and so far, he's not wrong. I think Pam's continued presence is his only failure, but this just proves that her power is unworldly.

The next morning, Jock returns from a jog--ah, Julie has filled him with such youthful vigor!--and J.R. confronts him about Julie, warning that she's "dirt" and only wants "money...and more money."

Jock no care! Me Jock, me see Julie "today, tomorrow, the next day, whenever [me] damn please!" He also threatened to kick J.R.'s as and while I am not one to condone violence, I admit I would absolutely devour a scene of Jock and J.R. fist-fighting. A whole episode, even. A whole season!

J.R. sees no recourse but to narc on his daddy to his mama. Miss Ellie asks Jock what he's been doing in all of his time away from Southfork and the family. As he ties the littlest necktie, he tells her what he apparently told her when they married: I account to no woman for my time." He leaves, and here I am feeling strange. I loathe both of the elder Ewings and I should love to see strife between them! But I get all hear me roar whenever Jock's sexist attitude flares up, and in this episode that means by default I'm siding Miss Ellie, which is something I never want to do. There is a dissonance, reader, and it's very jarring. Couldn't they just murder each other for my sake?

Instead, Miss Ellie calls Julie and summons her to Southfork. Julie is dressed to kill (those boots!) but lets Miss Ellie know that she and Jock are just friends. Everyone around them is too busy to see their pain and loneliness (I feel like this probably only applies to her?) and they hang out and respect each other. That's all! It's not what you think! Miss Ellie responds that it's "far more serious." If only Julie were a common floozy or tramp!

Also...I don't know if it's quarantine brain talking or what, but in these last couple of episodes I've found the environments so suffocating. I know I've mentioned the dreaded brown, but it's more than that. Every room is stuffed to the rafters with..stuff...that doesn't match and there's no rhyme or reason and there's patterns and florals and gewgaws and telephones everywhere and it's making me crazy!

Anyway. Jock heads to the Ewing offices for a meeting and in one shot the "scenic view" out the window is so very obviously a paper backdrop that it soothed my jangled nerves and filled me with glee and something I haven't felt in months: hope for our future.

Bobby, too, questions Jock about his relationship with Julie, and Jock...well, he says this:

"Even if I was cheating on your mama--which I'm not!--you should be able to understand."

Does he mean that he, like, has eminent domain over women and so he can cheat on/sleep with whomever he pleases whenever he pleases? Or does he mean that Miss Ellie is so awful that Bobby should understand if Jock is driven into the arms of another woman? I am not one to condone cheating, of course, but if he's saying the latter, well, he certainly has a point.

Speaking of Miss Ellie, she shows up at the office looking for her husband. She tells him she saw Julie and while she explained their "friendship," she knows it won't stop there (my blood...she is ice again). She tells him in an ultimatum-y way (ie there was dramatic music playing) that dinner at Southfork is at six. Jock splits--he's got other plans! Miss Ellie is so emotional and so shocked by this betrayal, she slightly opens her mouth.

The clock strikes six and in the Southfork dining room, no one speaks. All around the Jock-less table, there is only the sound of the scraping of fancy utensils on fancy plates. At length, Lucy excuses herself. Finally J.R. has had enough of the furtive glances, the meaningful looks. He's gonna say what they're all thinking! Miss Ellie can't handle it and bolts from the room. Bobby can't handle it and immediately tries to fight J.R. Pam can't handle it, but more importantly she does look great. She screams at her husband--her ever-violent husband with the hair trigger temper--and then goes to see Miss Ellie.

She reminds Miss Ellie--and me, unfortunately--of the, uh, heartwarming story Mater Ewing told her back in episode 2.3 ("Old Acquaintance") (how dare you forget??) about how she horse-whipped Jock into submission once upon a time. "What happened to that woman?" Pam wants to know. That woman should be in jail! But instead, that woman is inspired and heads to Julie's to reclaim her man...violently, if she must!

This show, I swear. I love it!

At Julie's, she and Jock are also eating in silence. It seems that this May-December Friendship is at an end. Before he leaves, Jock gives her a necklace. Whether or not it was originally intended as a goodbye gift, that's what it is now. Julie cuddles Jock's hand and then cuddles the necklace after he leaves. It's weird both times.

She's not alone for long, however. J.R. has been waiting in the shadows, and now it's time to strike! He forces his way inside her apartment! He grabs her! She insists she doesn't want him anymore, but she totally does! The episode ends on a freeze-frame of them...kissing? I guess...and I wonder why he can't have a physical interaction with her that isn't painful looking. Oh well. There goes my blood again...pure ice!

2.15 - FOR LOVE OR MONEY

Original airdate: January 14, 1978

Ha! Episode title, please. Are we expected to believe that anyone on this show would be torn when choosing between love and money? At best, the Ewings might conflate the two--is Ellie putting Southfork above all else an act of love? Or is it more she's accustomed to the moneyed lifestyle and is actually putting that above all else? And Pam, who grew up poor, might choose love...but is it really love if her husband or brother ultimately chooses money? I wonder if any college philosophy curriculums include this episode. Maybe I should start my own college to be sure.

It's just another leisurely morning at Southfork. As always the outfits are on point and orange juice is poured liberally. Sue Ellen's mother phones ("Mother?!" you exclaim. "She has a mother? And here I thought she was born from the skull of Jack Daniels!") and we're told that not only is La Mère back in Dallas, she and Sue Ellen met up the night before. It's all pleasant until La Mère begins angling for an invite to Southfork for herself and Sue Ellen's little sister Kristin in the hopes that Kristin will also meet "the right man." We can tell by the way Sue Ellen blankly stares into the distance and hems and haws that she's not into the idea. We can also tell because she plainly says she's not into the idea, that the time is not right. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin...oh, her time will come! It won't be long before she is, in fact, motorin', if you know what I mean. I think you do! (Sex.)

I love a photo cube! 

I love a mustard phone!

Cliff is at The Store getting fitted for a new suit. According to him, the underdog look is no longer a fashion trend--this season is all about the winner look, baby. Pam, flawless as usual, reminds him that the election is still two years away, which reminds me that now, (math) years later, America miserably exists in the throes of a perpetual election cycle. I wonder if any college political science curriculums include this episode. I really need to start that college!

It's now round 'bout noontime and Sue Ellen is hanging with The Bitches Who Lunch at a fancy hotel restaurant. They're all complimenting her on her incredible stamina, what with driving all the way to Fort Worth whilst pregnant. Sue Ellen eats up the compliments as she joyfully twirls the oversized novelty olives in her martini. If these ladies thought her driving a whole half an hour to meet them was amazing, just wait until she does it again--pregnant and buzzed--for her return trip to Dallas. Our Sue Ellen is truly a profile in courage!

Sue Ellen is also boasting (aka lying) about how great her life is. J.R. is excited about the baby! They've never been more in love! He loves his job and he's in Austin right now doing his job! It's all perfect! As expected, this all blows up in Sue Ellen's face minutes later when the gaggle is leaving the hotel just as J.R. is checking in with some young lass. "Didn't Sue Ellen say J.R. was in Austin? I swear that was him," one of them says while the Alpha Queen in Purple smirks and floofs her hair. Floofs her hair! These bitches are ruthless! I love it.

Meanwhile, round 'bout noontime elsewhere, Cliff is meeting with some very powerful businessmen. You can tell they're powerful because they are doing business near a conference table that is stocked with padfolios and pens...but not just any padfolios and pens. The padfolios are leather--leather, reader--and the pens are housed in pen holders.

powerful business accessories

I am not a businesswoman, powerful or otherwise, but every time I see a padfolio I so wish I were. I dream of owning a padfolio, but of course I dream humbly. A leatherette padfolio seems more my speed. Maybe one with a calculator inside for the easy calculating of business figures. I suppose I could get myself one even for my life as a not-businesswoman, but is it worth it if I am not attending meetings wherein I can show it off? If a padfolio is brandished at a conference table in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even exist? Hmm, perhaps this is a question best left for the philosophy students at my college.

Anyway, the businessmen are willing to guarantee Cliff a position as the head of the Bureau of Land Management, provided he declares eminent domain to rid South Dallas of "low cost, low class" houses in order to make way for Business Interests. Cliff tells 'em to shove it. He ain't gonna sell out, not for a lofty position, not for no money no how!

That night, Sue Ellen is working on a glass of booze when J.R. finally shows up at home. Words are had! Words like "tramp," which J.R. objects to--the woman Sue Ellen spotted him with wasn't a tramp at all; rather, she was a nice young lady. Sue Ellen tries to give him an ultimatum: if he doesn't stop with the philanderin', she's gonna leave and take the baby that might be his with her! J.R. immediately capitulates, promising to love and honor and cherish Sue Elle--HAHA psych! J.R. doesn't take kindly to ultimatums, of course, and he knows he holds all the cards even if Sue Ellen holds all the babies (in her uterus). She sure enjoys the money and the lifestyle being his wife affords her, and he knows she ain't goin' nowhere. In the long run, at least.

In the short run, she's heading to Cliff's.

Over a glass of yes even more booze (that poor baby), she and Cliff discuss their relationship, or lack thereof. Cliff says it's over, Sue Ellen says but what about this maybe-baby? (I mean that maybe the baby is Cliff's, not that it's maybe a baby or maybe not a baby. I'm pretty sure that it's really a baby in there.) Then she turns off the lights and tells him that while she might not need him tomorrow, she needs him tonight. She really needs him. FOR SEX.

The next morning, we're treated to yet another Southfork breakfast scene, but this one is sans Sue Ellen. It's remarked upon ("She must have got up early and left!") but J.R. doesn't seem to mind, telling everyone he doesn't pay much attention to whatever she's got going on. Miss Ellie comments that Sue Ellen should bring her mother and her sister to Southfork, Jock volunteers Lucy to be Kristin's friend, and then Jock and Miss Ellie are off to a doctor's appointment. So exciting! It must have been Sweeps Week when this originally aired.

J.R. stops by to see Sue Ellen's mother, and for a minute I don't hear any dialogue because I am completely overtaken by the sight of a huge barometer on the wall.

My gramma also had a huge barometer on the wall next to her front door--well, a barometer-thermometer combo, to be exact, all wood and brass and glass (aka all plastic). I don't think anyone knew how to read the barometer part, or how it worked or what it was meant to signify. Whenever my gramma walked us to the door as we left, she would peep at it and flick the glass (plastic) a few times for some arcane purpose. Hmm, maybe she knew how to read it and how it worked and what it was meant to signify but never shared its secrets. I will never know.

But enough about gramma aesthetics (even though I can never get enough gramma aesthetics, honestly)! Kristin descends the stairs in a powder blue terrycloth shorts-n-tank top combo and you can practically hear the boi-oi-oinnng of J.R.'s boner through the screen. She begins to eat a pear in a flirty fashion, and she, her mother, and J.R. all agree that she won't have any problems landing a husband as good as Sue Ellen's. But as anyone who has seen Dallas knows, Sister Kristin won't have any problems landing Sue Ellen's actual husband. And yes, Colleen Camp was the original Kristin Shepherd!

Still Life: Colleen Camp + Pear

Back at Southfork, Sue Ellen has packed her bags and is ready to split when she's stopped by Bobby, who wants to know what's up. "You really care?" Sue Ellen asks, since Bobby has never showed her much interest in the seven years they've lived under the same roof and good lord I know we've talked about it--in the last post, even--but these adults all live together and have lived together for years and I don't understand how they're not all murderously insane! I don't even want to live with myself, never mind my entire family.

When J.R. returns, Bobby tells him that Sue Ellen has left him. J.R. puts in a call to a private investigator and orders a tail on her. Who is she seeing? Who is she talking to?

The answer, it turns out, is her mother and sister. Sue Ellen is worried that her mother is grooming Kristin the way she herself was groomed: that marrying a wealthy man is the most important thing they can do as women. It's all very House of Hilton! But mama never taught Sue Ellen "how to live without a man in her bed, or what to do when her man is off with a floozy somewhere." Both mama and Kristin counter that Sue Ellen's priorities are wrong and "exclusive rights" aren't essential if that man has money.

Jock storms into the Ewing Oil Headquarters like he owns the place (oh wait, he does) and starts yelling at J.R. about The Whole Sue Ellen Thing. They've had seven years to have problems, but they chose to have problems now? Now, when Jock's grandchild is on the way? When Miss Ellie is excited over this same grandchild? Won't someone think of JOCK AND MISS ELLIE? "We want her back at Southfork," Jock says with finality, and I can't decide what I hate more: Jock himself, or the fact that he continues to have such great hair.

jerk

Sue Ellen has returned to Cliff's apartment, but this time the lights stay on. She tells him she's leaving her husband, to which Cliff responds "Okay." This is not the fireworks reception Sue Ellen was expecting! But Cliff is being a pragmatist--will J.R. really let Sue Ellen go? Can she accept a Cliff-flavored life that doesn't have all the Ewing trappings she's used to? Sue Ellen says she will try, and we immediately know they are both doomed. Doomed and clad in brown. Not Earth tones--just brown. There is so much brown everywhere! It's in the decor, it's in the clothes...of all the colors in the spectrum, I can't believe brown was such a huge trend for so long. It's the one misstep of the 1970s. THE ONLY ONE. Although before long we'll be in the pastel 80s, and I'll probably pine for the 70s brown. OR WILL I? I guess we'll all find out. How thrilling!

This was a "tender" moment in action but this still makes it look like a murder moment

J.R.'s private eye reports in: Sue Ellen has been coming and going (and coming...wink wink) from Cliff Barnes's place. J.R. is actually surprised that his wife would be so devious as to canoodle with his greatest enemy. The camera dramatically zooms in on J.R.s face. "I suppose it's time we do somethin' about old Cliff Barnes," he says as the sinister music swells.

I know, you've been biting your nails since paragraph three, wondering about Cliff's made-to-order suit. Well, bite your nails no longer, reader (unless you're into biting your nails, in which case I would still suggest you no longer do that, but ultimately the choice is yours), for a Pam is here, suit in hand, resplendent even in brown pants.  She spots-n-sniffs a scarf and knows immediately that Sue Ellen has been there. If Pam ever gets tired of working at The Store, mayhaps she should consider a career as a private eye. Oh my goodness, imagine a spin-off where Pam solves mysteries and crimes and looks fabulous while doing it...wait, she could team up with Sue Ellen in Ewing Mysteries! I could be blogging about that show right now! But I'm not. And in this lesser (but still great) reality where I only have Dallas, Pam is unleashing some righteous fury (the only fury she can unleash, natch) on her brother. If J.R. finds out about this affair he will ruin Cliff--and Pam won't blame him one bit. Cliff kicks her out, and Sue Ellen emerges from another room, having overheard the whole argument. They look at one another, their gazes inscrutable.

Our Pam, always not the one

Back at Southfork, Pam indulges in some booze, which prompts Bobby to remind her yet again that she can always quit her job. What a jerk! Does he want her to quit The Store so she can realize her destiny and become a private eye? No! He wants her to quit and be a stay-at-home Ewing Lady. The worst. Pam is cryptically lamenting that it's not only the Ewings who will sink to any depth to get what they want. "Barnes? Ewing? What's the difference?" she asks.

"Outside of a couple million dollars, not a whole lot. Except there are more of us. Including you," Bobby replies. The worster.

Pam thinks he's great, though, and the two head off into the city for a date night.

Those padfolio businessmen have sent Cliff a bunch of styrofoam cubes and cylinders, which are meant to represent their vision for a new South Dallas. Cliff is unimpressed and still holding strong to his values. But then J.R. waltzes into Cliff's office and calls him a "cheap little man" having a "cheap little romance" with his wife while harboring "little dreams." They fight over the baby, each telling the other to back off. But J.R. delivers the coup de grâce: Ewing power and money will wash away any embarrassment if the baby isn't his, whereas Cliff will never amount to anything and the scandal would ruin him. And isn't that what he wants? Power? Cliff angrily swats those styrofoam cubes and cylinders right off the table, and I fear that his values will not hold, captain!

J.R. then catches up with his wayward wife at her mother's house and wins back her heart with sweet talk and a promise--HAHA psych! He warns her that if she doesn't come back to Southfork, he'll get a couple of boys to bring her to a hospital where she'll be forced to have an abortion, and then he'll reward her with a messy divorce that will leave her friendless and penniless. He delivers the poop cherry on this shit sundae (sorry) by telling her that Cliff won't take her, anyway.

Sue Ellen meets with her paramour and sadly he confirms it: "You can't fight City Hall," Cliff says, ever the poet. He loves Sue Ellen "in his own way" (whatever that means) but he can't have her and the things he wants in life. What a weasel! What a...a...small man! Sue Ellen likens it all to a game--"Is that what I am? Just the marbles?"--and it's a terrible metaphor (Have children played with marbles since the 30s or whenever? Then again, has Sue Ellen ever actually played a game? Does she know what a game is?), but she's upset so let's forgive her.

Just the marbles

J.R. is waiting for her in the parking lot with Sue Ellen's bags packed and in his backseat. Defeated but silently fuming, she climbs in. They'll make it back to Southfork in time for a nice family dinner, but afterwards J.R. has business to attend to. By "business" he means "sex business" and Sue Ellen needn't wait up. He is relentlessly cruel and stone cold! I've never loved to hate anyone more.

Back in his office, Cliff picks up the styrofoam cubes and cylinders from the floor. He makes a call...he takes a job. The "low cost, low class" houses will soon be gone to make way for Padfolio Business Park. Cliff's willing to give the businessmen whatever they want, so long as they help him accrue massive amounts of power. "How's that for playing the game?" Cliff says to no one.

But he should know that in the game of marbles, nobody wins.

I guess? I have no idea how the game of marbles actually works. I'm not that old, geez.